very_lost224
New member
I dont know what to think of myself... like why did god make me or why is he putting me through this. I dont know why I feel so lonely all the time.... I have lived a crappy life. My mom was 16 when she had me and my dad was 36... Im 19 now. My dad and mom never really took me or my younger siblings out abunch and if we would ask for anything I would feel guilty like if I wanted something for school like pictures. When I was really young my mom started sleeping around, and my mom and dad would fight constantly infront of me and my little brother. well then my mom had a baby girl when i was 9 and it turned out to be my dads. well my mom was still sleeping around and her boyfriends until I was 14 used to beat me and starve me and spit on me while other things in my life were going bad. my mom sent me and my brother to the zoo with my church when i was 10 and when we came home are dad was at work and my mom had taken everything and left him with nothing, and for 3 hours me and my brother were scared. It was the only time me and him were really close together. My mom had moved us to a town 3 hours away and told us that this new guy was daddy, he made me sleep on the floor of him and his friends house. my brother and sister got to sleep and be in my moms room but I wasnt. Well over the months of being there alot of my stuff went missing. well one month after moving in with him, she moved us to a trailer park. were I had to share a room with my brother.
My dad found out were we lived and where my mom was waiting tables for money and came up to visit us kids sometimes but most of the time he would just spend the time with my mom. Well my mom still had boyfriends coming around and they wouldnt let my dad see us kids. my mom used to take me to work with her on fridays so my dad could take me for the weekend, well one day I had my hopes up he called all day saying as soon as he was off work he would drive and pick me up, but he never showed up.. didnt call for two days. Well when I would go to my dads he would work during the weekend so I would go to my best and only friends house during the day. Him and His brother are still my only friends. We'll my mom was with a new guy when I just about turned 12 and he used my birthday to be a house showing for his family and everyone who showed up didnt even notice me they all kinda said happy birthday and went into the other room... even my brother. I did get to call my dad the next day and recieved my first birthday card ever the next day. Well in an attempt to make friends and try to warm up to my moms current boyfriend i signed up for 5th grade football. But there was no one ever there to pick me up so I would have to walk 5 miles every night after school and practice. We had one game and I missed it because no one would take me. the next my mom and dad both met up and showed up but the principle told them that I had went home because I wouldnt have a ride home that night.
When I was 13 my mom wouldnt let me stay home alone without a babysitter and the only person we could find was a lady who was in her 60's and her husband who was a known sex offender. Well I started getting rebellious, of course so would anybody who wasnt aloud to touch anything in the house. My mom would take us to the mom and I would have sudden outburst "I WANNA SEE MY DADDY, GRIZ IS NOT MY DADDY, I WANNA LIVE WITH DADDY" and my moms boyfriend griz would grab my wrist and pull me with force enough that i still have a scar on my wrist. Well I finally got my wish for a week because after I moved in with my dad my mom came back. Well I was turning 14 and I still only had one friend that I could go see. my mom wouldnt let me go any were else. My dad would let me go out sometimes with a kid from church, if my mom was at work. and I was Back in my dads home town and I was actually starting to make friends, but then I asked a girl from my class with to the fall dance and she said no, my face was to round and my teeth were to big. Well that kinda shot my confidence down to 0.
Well about the beginning of my 7th grade year, my dad starts making alot more money, but is later busted for a meth lab in his backyard , and were are taken in to foster care me and my brother are stuck together in a house with 8 other kids and my baby sister was taken to another house were she was beaten by the foster moms boyfriends. While in foster care I got beat up constantly at school and by my little brother, whom i was never aloud to fight back because I am much bigger body and strength wise.. hes about 4'8 and I'm (at the time {now im 6'1"}) 5'6" and im more muscular. but if I would have hit him back home I would have gotten grounded or a belt to my behind. well in foster care they would let him beat me up and at school they beat me up for trying to fit in.
Well after my dad made bail and didnt get sentanced he moved me and my family except him to Alabama. In Alabama, kids make fun of me for not having the cool new gear, like new nikes or new hollister clothing, but my mom did. well I got to the point were in alabama I would walk home because I didnt wanna talk to kids on the bus... and I met a girl, named hannah who always smiled at me in class and always stared at me in my algebra class. Well I asked her to a dance at the junior high for winter. well she said no, that she would like to but she couldnt go because of her mom. well here I go again no confidence, but I would still call my only friend back home and he would tell me how much they missed me and he and his brother were ready for me to move back. Well when I turned 15 I made a few friends, the gothic kids, there was one girl that was like me not gothic but not rich and preppy either.. She was lauren and she would write me letters and stick them in my backpack so when I went home I would find them and be happy until my mom found the stash of hidden letters under my bed. She told me to never see her again, so oneday I get an email saying that I only thought of myself and that I was a jerk. well my mom went to the hospital for appendicitis and she came back home sicker. Well she used this as an excuse to make me walk a 7 mile round trip to the main part of town with a restaurant and only barely gave me enough money for her food. and didnt cook or offer any to me but would split it with my little brother. and I lost so much wait that nobody even recognized me.
Well when I move back to missouri my best friend and his family start inviting me over more and more, and they invite me on family outings and holidays. Well my mom started making me start working, and it had to be close to home because I still had to walk everywhere, so I go to the only store in my little town of stanton. My dad never would takeme driving because my mom didnt trust me behind the wheel. well in an attempt to make my ex millitary father get closer and have more things to do together I joined the high school wrestling team, were I learned that I was only strong, not real coordinated, and the other wrestlers would make fun of me and complain about having to train with me. But I stayed in all season, and didnt quit, even with my dad only showing up to one match.
Well my dad got arrested again in florida for sudafed pills and weed. and went to prison for 4 years. well my dads best friend moved in to protect my mom... wink wink... Well my mom's new boyfriend took the truck that I was supposed to get when I turned 16 and my dads car that he was supposed to give my little brother when he turned 16. Well when i turned 16 I never got my license infact my mom didnt do anything when I turned 16. she made me work at the local gas station. I wasnt aloud to go out and party, or go to the movies,and all my money went to her so she and her boyfriend could go to oklahoma, where my grandpa lives. well In Oklahoma I was aloud alot more freedom. But ada isnt a normal town, no dances, an all church ran town. My moms boyfriend made me get a job at the local movie theater. so I worked at a movie theater, and I was making new friends, I found I had an unknown tallent for persuading customers. Well I met a girl there, who said that she and her boyfriend had just broken up and she would spend alot of her time with me, giving me rides home from work so that I wouldnt have to walk 5 miles to work and back everyday. well we got close and then she would go on dates with me and then the next day with her ex... and said I was her best friend... shooting more confidence to -25.
We'll on the school bus I met a young curly haired blonde girl that had a boyfriend but would always stare at me... well I got hired as a customer service rep at the local entertainment store after I quit the movies. My mom was still making me walk to work, in the rain, snow, any kind of weather possible... she was still taking my money. Well as I was entering my junior year I had kinda made friends. I was hanging out with the pot head kids but i wasnt using.. well The blonde girl started talking to me in the hall one day, and the next she would set and talk to me on the bus. and I was following her path, she was trying to get me to go to church with her. She even talked me into cutting my hair short. because It was at my shoulders and died blonde. well one day she told me that her and her best friend went to every house on in our neighborhood and knocked on every door right after school so She could take me to church... well her job at mcdonalds gets moved to the walmart down the street from where I work, so i walk her from mcdonalds to walmart a mile down the road, and she would were my bandana, and gave me a hug. well at school she would hold my hand and tell me that she would always love me. and give me a hug everyday after school... and after church. well She even opens up something Ive never known before. I am a good singer, and that her main goal in life was to be a performer, well we even went to school performing arts shows and sang. and she was my only audience, my family was never there and neither was hers.
Well she started hanging around other boys and talking about how a relationship isnt supposed to be physical, and could be JUST BEST FRIENDS. well We know each other for 2 years, I was there when her father died, I was there when she finally had the money for a new car, and she was there when I needed someone to talk to about life. my moms boyfriend would pin my against walls in the house... and kicked me out to the streets, well my best friend from missouri, picks me up at the airport. Well he moves me in with his dad and older brother. Me and his older brother become closer than they are. but he also was dating my cousin and they had just got pregnant. well my mom calls and says that she wants me to come home and that her boyfriends in jail. well I go back to oklahoma. no money, no car, just hand me down clothes and some old stuff from school... well back at my good school with the blonde girl, I perform in GUYS AND DOLLS but no one in my family shows up, and the girl never showed up, just a few people from work. Well my moms boyfriend gets out of jail and cracks me in the head so hard with a pan that I have a big white burn scar on the back of my head...
Well i start playing music in a band for school, and the blonde girl would come to my practices. well there Is this guy from school, from the football team, that ask her to prom and she accepts.. well he ask me to go on a double date with him and these two girls from a town or two over. on our way home he says that hes lucky he got the date to prom but her best girlfriend is hotter and would love to get with her. well I tell the blonde and she doesnt believe me, and stops talking to me. So out of pain of having no one again, I move to missouri with my friends brother and my cousin, who are getting ready to have a baby. well I'm 18 at this point and we end up become my first real family. going to concerts and the mall and working all the time and actually having money that was mine not my moms. well I get an email one day saying that the blonde is engaged and shes only known the fiancée for 5 months. Well i dont let it show that its getting to me. well I get laid off from walmart in december and they never contacted me back even after I call. well 3 months go by and I have my first real christmas, and we take family photos, but beings we are all not working because of the economy we move in to his moms house...
we'll this is only 2 weeks ago, but my dad got out on march 13th, the blond got married to the guy that she met only 9 months ago, and I have no companionship.. I had one girl friend since the blonde "Friend", and she left me a week after we started actually spending time at my house. my family is starting to fall apart. my cousin left my friend and they have a baby, and I've been taking care of him... he got drunk and spraing his ankle and I took care of him for 2 days... well he starts talking to my cousin again, who has moved in with my uncle, in the country 20 miles away. well today they decided to get a house together... well theres been nobody here for 4 days, and when I talked to my friend, he said its best for his family to stay in the same place... even tho all his stuff is here.... with me... I have no one anymore, I graduate in 2 months, I dont have a cap and gown, I dont have a date for prom, and I dont have family anymore to come see.. I dont know what to do, I'm depressed and I dont know what to do...
My dad found out were we lived and where my mom was waiting tables for money and came up to visit us kids sometimes but most of the time he would just spend the time with my mom. Well my mom still had boyfriends coming around and they wouldnt let my dad see us kids. my mom used to take me to work with her on fridays so my dad could take me for the weekend, well one day I had my hopes up he called all day saying as soon as he was off work he would drive and pick me up, but he never showed up.. didnt call for two days. Well when I would go to my dads he would work during the weekend so I would go to my best and only friends house during the day. Him and His brother are still my only friends. We'll my mom was with a new guy when I just about turned 12 and he used my birthday to be a house showing for his family and everyone who showed up didnt even notice me they all kinda said happy birthday and went into the other room... even my brother. I did get to call my dad the next day and recieved my first birthday card ever the next day. Well in an attempt to make friends and try to warm up to my moms current boyfriend i signed up for 5th grade football. But there was no one ever there to pick me up so I would have to walk 5 miles every night after school and practice. We had one game and I missed it because no one would take me. the next my mom and dad both met up and showed up but the principle told them that I had went home because I wouldnt have a ride home that night.
When I was 13 my mom wouldnt let me stay home alone without a babysitter and the only person we could find was a lady who was in her 60's and her husband who was a known sex offender. Well I started getting rebellious, of course so would anybody who wasnt aloud to touch anything in the house. My mom would take us to the mom and I would have sudden outburst "I WANNA SEE MY DADDY, GRIZ IS NOT MY DADDY, I WANNA LIVE WITH DADDY" and my moms boyfriend griz would grab my wrist and pull me with force enough that i still have a scar on my wrist. Well I finally got my wish for a week because after I moved in with my dad my mom came back. Well I was turning 14 and I still only had one friend that I could go see. my mom wouldnt let me go any were else. My dad would let me go out sometimes with a kid from church, if my mom was at work. and I was Back in my dads home town and I was actually starting to make friends, but then I asked a girl from my class with to the fall dance and she said no, my face was to round and my teeth were to big. Well that kinda shot my confidence down to 0.
Well about the beginning of my 7th grade year, my dad starts making alot more money, but is later busted for a meth lab in his backyard , and were are taken in to foster care me and my brother are stuck together in a house with 8 other kids and my baby sister was taken to another house were she was beaten by the foster moms boyfriends. While in foster care I got beat up constantly at school and by my little brother, whom i was never aloud to fight back because I am much bigger body and strength wise.. hes about 4'8 and I'm (at the time {now im 6'1"}) 5'6" and im more muscular. but if I would have hit him back home I would have gotten grounded or a belt to my behind. well in foster care they would let him beat me up and at school they beat me up for trying to fit in.
Well after my dad made bail and didnt get sentanced he moved me and my family except him to Alabama. In Alabama, kids make fun of me for not having the cool new gear, like new nikes or new hollister clothing, but my mom did. well I got to the point were in alabama I would walk home because I didnt wanna talk to kids on the bus... and I met a girl, named hannah who always smiled at me in class and always stared at me in my algebra class. Well I asked her to a dance at the junior high for winter. well she said no, that she would like to but she couldnt go because of her mom. well here I go again no confidence, but I would still call my only friend back home and he would tell me how much they missed me and he and his brother were ready for me to move back. Well when I turned 15 I made a few friends, the gothic kids, there was one girl that was like me not gothic but not rich and preppy either.. She was lauren and she would write me letters and stick them in my backpack so when I went home I would find them and be happy until my mom found the stash of hidden letters under my bed. She told me to never see her again, so oneday I get an email saying that I only thought of myself and that I was a jerk. well my mom went to the hospital for appendicitis and she came back home sicker. Well she used this as an excuse to make me walk a 7 mile round trip to the main part of town with a restaurant and only barely gave me enough money for her food. and didnt cook or offer any to me but would split it with my little brother. and I lost so much wait that nobody even recognized me.
Well when I move back to missouri my best friend and his family start inviting me over more and more, and they invite me on family outings and holidays. Well my mom started making me start working, and it had to be close to home because I still had to walk everywhere, so I go to the only store in my little town of stanton. My dad never would takeme driving because my mom didnt trust me behind the wheel. well in an attempt to make my ex millitary father get closer and have more things to do together I joined the high school wrestling team, were I learned that I was only strong, not real coordinated, and the other wrestlers would make fun of me and complain about having to train with me. But I stayed in all season, and didnt quit, even with my dad only showing up to one match.
Well my dad got arrested again in florida for sudafed pills and weed. and went to prison for 4 years. well my dads best friend moved in to protect my mom... wink wink... Well my mom's new boyfriend took the truck that I was supposed to get when I turned 16 and my dads car that he was supposed to give my little brother when he turned 16. Well when i turned 16 I never got my license infact my mom didnt do anything when I turned 16. she made me work at the local gas station. I wasnt aloud to go out and party, or go to the movies,and all my money went to her so she and her boyfriend could go to oklahoma, where my grandpa lives. well In Oklahoma I was aloud alot more freedom. But ada isnt a normal town, no dances, an all church ran town. My moms boyfriend made me get a job at the local movie theater. so I worked at a movie theater, and I was making new friends, I found I had an unknown tallent for persuading customers. Well I met a girl there, who said that she and her boyfriend had just broken up and she would spend alot of her time with me, giving me rides home from work so that I wouldnt have to walk 5 miles to work and back everyday. well we got close and then she would go on dates with me and then the next day with her ex... and said I was her best friend... shooting more confidence to -25.
We'll on the school bus I met a young curly haired blonde girl that had a boyfriend but would always stare at me... well I got hired as a customer service rep at the local entertainment store after I quit the movies. My mom was still making me walk to work, in the rain, snow, any kind of weather possible... she was still taking my money. Well as I was entering my junior year I had kinda made friends. I was hanging out with the pot head kids but i wasnt using.. well The blonde girl started talking to me in the hall one day, and the next she would set and talk to me on the bus. and I was following her path, she was trying to get me to go to church with her. She even talked me into cutting my hair short. because It was at my shoulders and died blonde. well one day she told me that her and her best friend went to every house on in our neighborhood and knocked on every door right after school so She could take me to church... well her job at mcdonalds gets moved to the walmart down the street from where I work, so i walk her from mcdonalds to walmart a mile down the road, and she would were my bandana, and gave me a hug. well at school she would hold my hand and tell me that she would always love me. and give me a hug everyday after school... and after church. well She even opens up something Ive never known before. I am a good singer, and that her main goal in life was to be a performer, well we even went to school performing arts shows and sang. and she was my only audience, my family was never there and neither was hers.
Well she started hanging around other boys and talking about how a relationship isnt supposed to be physical, and could be JUST BEST FRIENDS. well We know each other for 2 years, I was there when her father died, I was there when she finally had the money for a new car, and she was there when I needed someone to talk to about life. my moms boyfriend would pin my against walls in the house... and kicked me out to the streets, well my best friend from missouri, picks me up at the airport. Well he moves me in with his dad and older brother. Me and his older brother become closer than they are. but he also was dating my cousin and they had just got pregnant. well my mom calls and says that she wants me to come home and that her boyfriends in jail. well I go back to oklahoma. no money, no car, just hand me down clothes and some old stuff from school... well back at my good school with the blonde girl, I perform in GUYS AND DOLLS but no one in my family shows up, and the girl never showed up, just a few people from work. Well my moms boyfriend gets out of jail and cracks me in the head so hard with a pan that I have a big white burn scar on the back of my head...
Well i start playing music in a band for school, and the blonde girl would come to my practices. well there Is this guy from school, from the football team, that ask her to prom and she accepts.. well he ask me to go on a double date with him and these two girls from a town or two over. on our way home he says that hes lucky he got the date to prom but her best girlfriend is hotter and would love to get with her. well I tell the blonde and she doesnt believe me, and stops talking to me. So out of pain of having no one again, I move to missouri with my friends brother and my cousin, who are getting ready to have a baby. well I'm 18 at this point and we end up become my first real family. going to concerts and the mall and working all the time and actually having money that was mine not my moms. well I get an email one day saying that the blonde is engaged and shes only known the fiancée for 5 months. Well i dont let it show that its getting to me. well I get laid off from walmart in december and they never contacted me back even after I call. well 3 months go by and I have my first real christmas, and we take family photos, but beings we are all not working because of the economy we move in to his moms house...
we'll this is only 2 weeks ago, but my dad got out on march 13th, the blond got married to the guy that she met only 9 months ago, and I have no companionship.. I had one girl friend since the blonde "Friend", and she left me a week after we started actually spending time at my house. my family is starting to fall apart. my cousin left my friend and they have a baby, and I've been taking care of him... he got drunk and spraing his ankle and I took care of him for 2 days... well he starts talking to my cousin again, who has moved in with my uncle, in the country 20 miles away. well today they decided to get a house together... well theres been nobody here for 4 days, and when I talked to my friend, he said its best for his family to stay in the same place... even tho all his stuff is here.... with me... I have no one anymore, I graduate in 2 months, I dont have a cap and gown, I dont have a date for prom, and I dont have family anymore to come see.. I dont know what to do, I'm depressed and I dont know what to do...
It's always nice to talk to a girl, anyway...even if it doesn't turn into anything big...at least that's how I feel. ^_^
