I Have a Problem With Expectations

[Cupcake Dog]

Hello, I've been looking at these boards for about a year now, but I have just now decided to make an account and post here.

I have a serious problem with expectations. Not only do I make unrealistic expectations about myself, but I also feel like I have unrealistic expectations about other people as well. If I do not meet these expectations, I become very frustrated and angry at myself (and sometimes other people).

I've been living with this mentality for as long as I can remember, but I've only recently realized that it's a problem. I do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and we always do sparring for the last 30 minutes of class. However, I can't seem to get it out of my mind that it is not a competition, and whenever I get submitted I get very upset at myself. I also lost all interest in video games because I always go in expecting one result and when that result isn't met, I'll just stop playing.

This problem has affected my social life as well. I hate making plans because I'm always scared that people will flake out on me. It has happened so many times I just expect it now. The only time I'll go out is when people invite me to come with them, which happens every now and then. I'm also terrible at dating because once again my unrealistic expectations set me up for failure.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is there anything I can do to get rid of this mentality?

 

[rivermaze]

No, you're not the only one. Certainly, there are at least two of us Although I still get frustrated with myself, it doesn't happen so often now. Time heals. Maybe try to be as kind and understanding for yourself as you are for others

 

[jjam]

I doubt "unrealistic" is the right adjective for your expectations. People flaking out on you has nothing to do with your expectations. It has to do with their piss poor behavior. Not everyone behaves that way. From my limited (though certainly in-depth enough) experience, I'd say flaky people usually only reveal themselves to be flaky at the point of a series of disappointments. Before that, they present themselves as sweetie pies. Heck, they'll present themselves as such while continuing to be flaky.

Our expectations about video games are shaped by all kinds of exposure games get, from developer round tables and videos to written previews/reviews and comparisons to games of the past. Many gamers experience disappointment in that department on a regular basis. It's not that we have unrealistic expectations. It's just that many games fail to live up to them entirely. The key is to try to enjoy the product for what it is rather than let your potential to enjoy the game be solely dependent on your expectations .

 

[Equinox]

This sounds oh so very familiar. I expect a lot from myself, and no less from friends, which probably explains why I have so few. It is a huge problem, and I hope I'll be able to work it out one day. Hoping the same for you!

 

[beans]

What about just enjoying life?

Do you like enjoy doing something without being good at it?

Because there are many people out there who are having jobs or hobbies they are good at but they absolutely hate doing.


So I'm just wondering what is it that you love doing. Maybe you should lay off competitive sports/games for a bit.

Just do something that requires no 'winning'.

Trust me when I say this, but everyone has some form of expectations and its completely normal. Even the most outgoing and chilled person have expectations of some kind. How do I know this? When they are unhappy. Even if you have no expectations, you'd be equally miserable.


It's good to have expectations, but just don't let it overtake you. I'd feel down sometimes when some of my friends don't live up to my expectations or disappoint me in a way, but I'll get over it within a few days or maybe longer.

But it doesn't mean I don't have expectations anymore. Having expectations is human and is necessary for some success in life.


I think you just don't like to be defeated or rejected and I think your view of failure is quite distorted. I used to feel like you until I read up on failure and did a little research on it. Anthony Robbins say there is nothing called failure, only outcomes.

And you only fail when you quit trying or didn't try at all.


Society has really defined failure and programmed it in a wrong way. A lot of people think the opposite of winning is failing. It's not true.

I have organized a social meeting on a social networking site before and I was afraid that nobody would turn up. I knew that I would feel sucky afterwards but I want to do it anyways. I told myself that if it went well, great, but if it didn't, at least I tried and I'm not going to take it personally.

I also really hate to be the one to initiate friendship on my part because I hate being rejected. I hate to be the one asking someone to hang out with me, but if I don't do that, how would they have any idea that I desire their company and friendship? Life is really about taking risks = with each thing you do, you don't really know what the outcome is. You don't mind if its good, but you'd want to avoid it if its bad. But don't do that. Go for it. Live life to the fullest. Try everything. Life is too short to be 'cautious' and trying to protect yourself. It would stop you from getting what you'd really want.

Just get used to taking risks, small ones first. I'm no where there. But I'm starting to take some and enjoying it. Enjoying getting rejected a little too because I guess I am not really aiming to get the numbers (friends), but I'm aiming at trying. Trying and trying.

Sorry to hear that you get so much of that. Maybe you can try to change your strategy a little? Do something different about it? But don't give up. Because if you give up, there is 0% chance of anything happening.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I also have perfectionistic attitudes. It helps for me to consider that every failure is just another step on the road to success; that I never fail so as long as I learn from the experience.