I have no close friends

[RFPP]

I have friends but they just aren't very present in my life. Leftover from college, I guess.

I will say this though..... I started working out a year ago and going to the gym a lot and since then I haven't been so focused on my lack of friends, but more on myself. It's way easier and I feel good about myself 99% of the time because of it. That's the most important right?

I agree, the most important thing is to feel good about one self, but every person needs different things in order to feel good.
For you it might work to go to the gym, but it doesn't work for everyone.

Hi, I'm in the same situation and the workout helps me a lot too. When I go to the gym I don't feel so lonely and I have some small talk with other people which is good, and at the same time I'm healthy. I would like to give you some advices but I don't know, I tried a lot o stuff but after a while I see myself with no close friends again. The most funny thing is that my younger brother is very social and everyone loves him, I don't know how he does it, to me he seems really annoying some times. I envy him a lot, because I never have someone to hang out and he usually have to say no to many people :/ i can tell you he makes a lot of friends in the beach asking other guys to play football with him

 

[Dreamer88]

I dont have any friends. I talk to people at work but only about work related things. I spend most of my time on my own or visiting family. I would like friends, but whenever I try to talk to people it just feels like they're not interested. I feel lonely most of the time but I dont know what to do about it.

 

[lonelyfairy]

I have no close friends either... It's really devastating.

 

[LadyDaria]

Ok so here are my ideas.

In terms of meeting people it does no good to meet people that aren't like you. Either too old or too young... or too unlike you... religious nuts. So you must look for locations where you are likely to meet people reasonably like you.

In terms of where to meet people, it isn't sufficient to just appear someplace and hope someone "sticks". Why a meetup or an adult class just probably will be a waste of time. The way to get people to "stick" is to share a mutual "stress" -- one reason that I think we make friends as kids in school. School matters and so do grades... and plus, you are forced to be there. A meet up or a class or something usually doesn't require attendance and also there is no "important" thing you are working for.

Things that imho will not work to give you true real friends
(1) volunteering;
(2) meetups
(3) Adult classes
(4) Religion

What will
(1) working...
(2) real school -- grad school etc.
(3) some sort of adult competition... running, baseball, knitting etc.

And that is all I have for the moment.

 

[beautiful loser]

This forum has over 17.000 members, is there really no one who has any advice for me?

Dexter, I've read quite a few of these threads and a lot of you just lack social skills...no offense.

I've lost more friends than I can shake a stick at and mainly because of me losing interest (more on that later). I've always been very approachable and can carry a conversation on just about anything, but to have friends you have to be approachable and involve yourself more than idle chit chat.

When people walk by you do you look downward or look them in the eye and say "hello?" That will start the ball rolling right there. If you look down and don't say anything you can expect people to not want to take an interest in you...you come across as standoffish.

Let's say you passed the friendly stage and someone seems to take an interest in you. Are you seeking them out first, to say hello? Are you staying involved in the conversation? By being involved, I mean, ask them about stuff that interests them? If you don't know, ask them about hobbies, if they like movies/music/sports, do they have kids and/or pets...something that shows you are interested in them. There are tons of things you can talk about, but you have to put forth the effort.

Believe me, if you are the person that's not doing a lot of the talking people will find you boring and that's it, it's over. There is a lot of give and take involving a friendship.

Also, especially in the workplace (and from my experience), people like to be asked for their expertise in something or their opinion on something that can help you out. It shows you are trust their opinion/input/help. Don't go overboard, they will get annoyed, but I used that ploy a few months ago to get this stubborn guy to open up and not feel like a burden to go to his workstation so I can do my daily checks (I work in quality inspection). No one really cared for him, but he's actually not a bad guy, he's just extremely quiet and shy. Once I opened him up, he's been very friendly. Some co-workers joke that his eyes light up when I go by and say it's a love affair...LOL..but I digress. It's all in the way you treat others and put forth the effort.

If you want to PM and talk, hey you got a friend in me. I will talk about anything except politics..and in most cases, religion.

 

[Littlesecret]

This forum has over 17.000 members, is there really no one who has any advice for me?

I don't know if my advice will really help you, but I'll give it a go!
To be honest through out my life I've had "best friends" but I never really felt that close to them, until university. I've always suffered from social anxiety so it's always been harder than most to form close bonds with people.
However I made 3 really close friends in university that know pretty much know everything about me, I think it did help that they were my housemates but what made me close to them is how I first acted with them.
I was more confident than I am normally, I didn't change my personality but just said my words with a bit more conviction. We also all have the same sense of humour so if you can find someone that enjoys the same comedy films/shows as you that might help?
I only see them maybe once a month now but we speak every week on the phone and text throughout the day, so I think you can make close friends that might have a little distance between you, so try the internet?

Try forums of things you are interested in, you might find a kindred spirit through them.
If you want to talk more feel free to PM because I'm unsure whether any of this makes a blind bit of sense.

 

[beautiful loser]

Things that imho will not work to give you true real friends
(1) volunteering;
(2) meetups
(3) Adult classes
(4) Religion

I think the first one on the list can be removed. That is rubbish. Some of the closest friends I have are from one certain place where I volunteered for years. We were there because we had one main thing in common. Everyone is different but because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for Dexter and anybody else.


"In terms of meeting people it does no good to meet people that aren't like you. Either too old or too young... or too unlike you... religious nuts. So you must look for locations where you are likely to meet people reasonably like you."

Again, rubbish when it comes to the "too old or too young." I've never put age into determining if I'm going to get along with someone. Everyone has met young people who are old souls, as well as older people who still haven't grown up yet.

One of my best friends, and someone I think about on a weekly basis (she passed away five years ago) was 30 years older than me. And we got a long so well, that people were we volunteered joked we were mom and son. The woman was so youthful, that no one saw her as she was too old to belong. It's all about attitude, personality and how well you treat others...she had that in spades.

Right now, one of the guys at work that I constantly joke around with is only 19, but the kid has a mind much older than his peers. Yes, there is a generation gap or two, and pop culture references can go over his head, but he's one of the first to always greet me in the morning and we always have a laugh or two or three throughout the day. Never judge someone by their age.

 

[LadyDaria]

Again, rubbish when it comes to the "too old or too young."

It is amazing how no one had any advice until I gave some and now everyone has their two cents... no need to be so harsh calling it "rubbish" I don't think your advice is too keen either.

 

[Outcast]

Friends are easy to make, but close friends? not so much. I have plenty of people I talk to at work on a daily basis that I get along great with but never really talk to outside of work. It's hard making the jump from casual friends to close friends, in my opinion you have to find something in common with them on a deeper level. Not just chit chat and joking around. You also have to be willing to open up to that person. I have the personality to be somewhat reserved until I get a judge on someone's personality, so it can be hard, as could be said for any person.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I do have friends, however I don't feel as close to them these days. We have continued to drift apart unfortunately, but that's just the way that it is.

 

[MountainTop]

I feel you. I dont have ANY friends. people tick me off more than its worth for their company.
I guess ive switched from desperation to anger over the years...

 

[angel_in_view]

To the original poster....what others have said on here is true. Try to find things that you have similar interests in. I will be honest though...sometimes that works, sometimes its just not enough. I say that bc I took college classes a few yrs ago at night. I ended up being friends w/a girl that sat next to me. I thought we'd end up keeping in contact once we graduated. Hmm...didn't happen. We talked a few months afterwards, but she got a boyfriend and that was that. She emailed out of the blue 6 months later wanting my # so we could catch up. I'm still waiting on that call. Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I KNOW what it feels like bc I'm in that situation too. I NEVER EVER thought i'd find myself to be at that point in my life, but alas, here I am. I say it may not work, bc I've learned that(as others have said too)when it comes to friends...REAL friends, its a 50/50. If the other person isn't putting in the same effort while you are **** near killing yourself to make the best of it, you will just end up mad, sad and fed up. I've had that happen to me a few times and it has made me not even want to try to become new friends w/anyone. I know that sounds horrible, but these days it seems like some people have some sort of agenda. You hope, pray and believe that there are people out there like yourself, but then you see people's true colors and it just defeats you even more. My situation is a little different in that I actually have a few close friends, BUT they don't live near me. They are all spread out in different states. I think that's even sadder bc I'd LOVE to be able to see all of them and can't. I have 3-4 people here that I'm "friends/friendly" with, but we don't do stuff together. And yes, it does make you sad/mad/frustrated when you see those people out w/others, but there's not much you can do about it. I think you end up handling it better if you are used to going out by yourself anyway. I have never been that type of person, but know people who can do stuff by themselves(movies, going out to eat, go to a ballgame, etc) and not think anything about it.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm in the same boat: I have no friends in my area. I'm a loner: I entertain myself most of the time now. The only friends I have are through the internet now.

 

[nerveless]

I don't really no what to say about that. Most of the time I can somehow deal with this problem, but sometimes there are these moments when Iu realize it. That can be really annoying, sometimes that makes me sad and sometimes it even makes me angry.

I do not really know what I should do because of that. It is not always that easy for me to talk to other people, it can cost some power in order to approach other people. Lately I even somehow lost my motivation to search for friends.

you describe my estate especially ," Lately I even somehow lost my motivation to search for friends " ..the same here and this is really annoying! ..

 

[lonley1]

I can't believe how many people out there don't have close friends I have the same problem, a few superficial people in my life that pretty much keep me around because i'm nice and will do favors for them and thats about it!