I just completely lost it.

[Nina]

I just got off the phone with a woman I have been friends with for a good 7 or 8 years. I've been a reliable sounding board for her and always available when she needed emotional support. Lately, my own world has been getting messy and I've not once taxed her with any of it because anytime I try to get a word in edgewise, she comes back with, " that's nothing...let me tell you about my problem."

It bugged me more than a little, when my world, took a nosedive, that among all these folks I speak, text, e-mail and see on a daily basis, not a one of them wanted to hear anything about what might be bothering me. They've become use to me only listening to them.

I came HERE! One of the smartest things I've ever done too.

Today she started right in with what's wrong with her, hubs, kids and job. I listened. In the middle of her tirade it occurred to me that she NEVER even asks me how I am anymore...

When she finally wound down and was waiting for me to reply, I told her I thought she a selfish and self revolving person( I said a bit more than that but for privacy sake I'm editing). She gasped, said a few choice things and hung up on me.:club: I sort of feel a little guilty because I could have handled it a lot better but there is a part of me.....that feels **** GOOD that I finally did this.

No need for me to worry that she'll come in and read this though. She is pretty certain that she is the neatest thing since sliced bread and that the rest of the world simply doesn't know how to make her happy. That list would include the hubs, kids and her employer and fellow workers. She would never be lonely and upset...She raises the volumn, screams and demands more.

I'm always so laid back with stuff that this was a HUGE deal for me! I'm rarely confrontational but you know what? That might be changing. This site is helping.....I swear it's a few of you offering that open and direct advice that may have spurred me into this.

Growing a backbone isn't a bad thing.
Thanks for the words folks. Some of you may not consider yourselves..."normal" and I sooooo hate that word, but let me tell you some of the "normal" ones out there, can't hold a candle to you....

How many of you have had to do this? I'll bet a few of the mask wearers from the other thread have.....People see the smiles we wear and think "WELCOME" is written across your chest somewhere...

 

[VanillaCreme]

This is what I think:

She's no type of friend. Period.

Even if you blew up on her, which I applaud you for doing, she should have then taken it upon herself to apologize to you. You shouldn't have to tolerate such selfish behavior from a so-called friend. If she were any type of real friend, or a decent human being at that, she should have questioned herself.

Well, gee, maybe I do get caught in my own world... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to ignore how you feel. How are you today?

Is it really so hard?

I know where you're coming from. I deal with the same thing. I'm constantly listening to other people's problems, and maybe two or three of them ask me how I am, and listen and talk to me about issues I have. I speak with a lot of people on a daily basis, so for only a couple of people to do that really blows my mind.

Can't stand selfish, self-indulged people. Caring about others isn't that hard.

 

[rayousha]

So proud of you Nina! I hate it so much when people are being taken advantage of.

 

[csmswhs]

jeeze nina, now that's just a bunch of honeysuckle. i know alot of people like that too. the majority of them are my coworkers. i don't mind listening and being there for them, not at all. no big deal. but if i try to let something out, forget it! i don't matter. i'm glad your not going to take it anymore, that is so shitty what she does.

good luck

 

[SophiaGrace]

I hope she apologizes to you. :/

 

[Badjedidude]

I used to play the "grin and bear it" game.

But then I came to the realization that life is too short to censure yourself just to please others.

Now I tell people what I think of them when I'm thinking it. I have no shame about what I feel, and if it bugs someone else then they can just grin and bear it themselves.

*hug for Nina*

 

[Nina]

Thanks guys...She hasn't called back and I doubt she will but I feel better that I finally took a real stand with her. It isn't hard to be a decent person. Some folks just think they are entitled to just "use" others for whatever they need them for and give nothing in return. This may have given me the "hutz" to clear a few more users off my list....OMG....They'll think I've turned, "*****" on them....

 

[Nina]

LOL @ WanderingS...Reverse Psychology...I'll try it!

--bjd--
I can see where you get to that point. I never knew it was this bad until I had a problem of my own and saw that some of these folks just don't want to put an ounce of effort into anyone else. It makes you look at things from a whole different perspective.
I do have a few friends going through serious health issues and painful divorces and such. But this woman just professionally complains all the time.

 

[rayousha]

If she calls you back & apologizes that would be great. If not, that's fine too... Somebody had to tell her that the world does not revolve around her.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I was in this same kind of situation with someone I considered my best friend. Here's what I did:

I simply stopped talking to her for about three months...ignored messages, didn't return calls, etc. I wasn't rude to her...didn't get angry and curse at her - she was my friend. Sometimes people lose sight of those around them when they're having they're own maelstrom of difficulties, which what happened in her case. I felt sorry for her, she really was suffering, but neither did I want to be someone that she discounted because my life was slightly better than hers at the time. So, after three long months of ignoring her, I finally called her. After "hey" the first words from her mouth were "How have you been?!" That was about three or four years ago. Now, when she calls, she ALWAYS asks how I've been doing. I didn't want to lose her as a friend - I wanted her to stop and think. Apparently, she did.

 

[rayousha]

...just not all the freakin time.

Exactly... Not all the time. Other people have problems/issues too and to have someone incessantly chattering/whining/complaining about her life is like drilling your head when you have a migraine already. She could at least ask & offer some relief to numb the pain before drilling

 

[Nina]

Eve--
I'm glad to say I didn't go completely,"raving psycho" at her, but I did raise my voice, which is super rare for me. I just had to let her know that I had enough on my own plate right now and had neither the time nor the desire to listen to her drone on about the same complaints I've been listening to for the last 7 years. It's made me feel very empowered....I like the notion of just cutting her off for a few month, IF...and that's a big "if" she ever calls back. She's the type of person who doesn't tolerate much...But I may taking a page from her book for myself now....

WanderingS & rayousha--
That's it exactly. For years, I've been drifting along in all my own hectic life and just listening because my heart genuinely went out to her for her issues. Years passed and I realized this was just her MO for living. Everyone is wrong but her. Today---something snapped...I decided I'd had it. This is the first time in our friendship when I needed one kind word and she all but told me to, "can it" and just listen to her, like I always have. Everyone needs and deserves undivided attention at times, but in 7 years, I'd earned a moment of that attention too.

 

[nerdygirl]

Ohhhh yea. I would have cut her off without explanation. "ZOMG, Gotta run!" and I never would have called her back. I wouldn't have picked up the phone if she called (easier if you have caller ID). It's hard to eliminate people, though... even if you know you've gotten sick of them. So I'm proud of you.

 

[Nina]

Thanks nerdy

Wandering--That would have been rough over the phone and if in person she's nearly 6' tall, compared to my 5' and change and she's a sturdy gal too. That would be like a mouse tackling a pitbul. I'd be a goner.

Everyone, thanks for all the support. It means a lot.

 

[Chancy]

I'm really glad you stood up to her. There's a fine line between being a good listener and just being a doormat.

I don't know how many times I have experienced this situation. What's worse is when they actually DO ask you and you try to tell them but then they go off on some tangent and completely forget what you've said.

I wouldn't take it either. If we wanted to hear people's same problems non-stop then we would become psychologists and get paid to do it.

 

[Nina]

Chancy--
Thanks, this is a big issue with this person. She can take any angle and reposition it right back to her issues...*sigh*

My friend did send an e-mail last night and she did apologize. I give her credit for that.
Then she said that it's MY fault for always allowing her to go-on about her problems, while never mentioning mine. She made a very valid point that she isn't a mind reader.

I do have to own this and be accountable for my own actions through the years and simply face that I may have trained her to disregard me.

She ended the message with a long detailed description of her problems anyway....*sigh again*

I need to face the facts that I have written myself, as a person with needs and issues, right out of the equation with a god many of my friends. I'm not sure I can undo that now. I'm not sure I even want to. I've reached a point where I may have to simply start thinning out the folks who subtract and never feel the need to add anything of a supportive nature to their relationships with me.

In some ways I think I may have encouraged these actions deliberately...In keeping myself so focued on others, it allowed me to sidestep my own problems. I may have made the "WECOME" sign and glued it to my own chest as a sort of coping stratedgy....*sigh*

I didn't answer the letter. I'm going to step back and consider this all some more. We're all so complex.....

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

^^Well, she apologised. That's something. Perhaps, Nina, you did just too good a job of seeming like someone with no problems, to the extent that your (ex?) pal just presumed you hadn't any.

If I was in your situation, I'd give the gal another chance. Now that she knows how things are, the ball is in her court - if she allows herself to be your sounding board for once, than all to the good! If not ... well, I guess she is grossly insensitive, completely unable to learn from a mistake, and probably not very good friend material.

In fact, I personally would go so far as write a formal letter to her declaring the end of our friendship. Actually...no, don't do that. It's a bit too weird. Sorry.

 

[change 4 good]

Good for you Nina. I was in the same kind of position a couple of months ago with a friend and for once in my life I stood up for myself and went off on one at them down the phone! So very unlike me!!!
At least your friend now knows how you felt and she has apologised...thats a start, but very sad that she still had to 'blame' you and end the email with all her woes!

I ended up ending the friendship with my 'friend.' It was just too much for me.

I hope its all resolved...one way or another. )

 

[Nina]

Electric--
You may be right on my "mask" being a little too convincing. I'm not going to say anything to her for awhile. I need to ponder this whole set of dynamics for a little while longer.

change 4 good--
Thanks. It sounds like you're more prone to be silent in situations like these as well. Good for you, for standing up for yourself. We should form a cheering section to prompt each other to do it more frequently! I honestly think I have been, not just allowing this behavior from others, but actually encoraging it....It's got to change

 

[eris]

I hate people like that. She was rude to you but I don't think she even realized that - she was caught up in herself. You probably surprised her.