Unwanted, unneeded, uncared for.
That's how I've been feeling the past little while.
Nothing bad is happening. Nothing is too great is happening, either.
I know I'm doing something wrong. I've felt the same way for 6 years. Worse in the last 4. I feel like somewhere in there, I've lost a really big part of myself. I barely have interests. I barely have friends. I have almost nothing to turn to.
Don't get me wrong, I have people in my life. I have my boyfriend, who I've been with for over three years. I have my best friend who I've known since grade 7. I've made a few friends online. I have some interests which make me really happy. But there's something missing. Part of me, some part of me.
A feel alone. A lot. My relationship is long distance, I don't get to talk to my boyfriend as much as I'd like to. I work night-shifts, because it's either that, or evenings, where I wouldn't be able to talk to him at all. My best friend is in university to become a nurse. I don't see her much because she's busy with school and doing homework. No ones at fault. It just blows.
I see her maybe once a month. Usually for coffee or dinner and drinks. I feel closer to her than anyone. We both know if we were able to see each other more often, we'd have the best friendship anyone could ask for. There's a closeness that no one could break.
I talk to my boyfriend usually every day. Our conversations usually aren't too serious. We get along best when we're both in good moods. I love him, but I can't turn to him when I'm feeling down. I get really bad thoughts, and if I try to talk to him about them, we end up arguing. He's not a bad person, he just doesn't know how to deal with emotions. Especially mine, when they seem to come out of no where and take over.
He's changed a lot from when I first met him. He was a baby, still is, but different. I know that, that happens sometimes. I still feel like we're connected, though. I still feel like something good could come out of what we have. I'm still in love.
Everything just seems so easy for him, though. It was easy for him to start making friends. Of course, when your job requires everyone to have the same interests in order to work there, you'll make friends with people who you already know are a lot like you. I'm not resentful towards my boyfriend because of this. I'm actually quite happy for him. This gives me some time to myself, which is something I've needed. Some time to figure myself out.
What I feel is missing, is having friends I could see more often. Having friends with similar interests as myself. I'm missing myself. I miss what I used to do to make myself happy. It seems as though I've been doing to exact opposite and I have no reason as to why. Why do I do things I know will make me unhappy? I'm bigger than I want to be. I tell myself to start eating healthier so I can lose weight. I do the opposite and I'm unhappy. I dwell on the past, which makes me miserable, but I don't do anything to change things for the better. I'm tired of it. I'm tried of sitting here and whining and not doing anything to change. I know what I need to do, it's all right in front of me. It's all waiting there for me and I'm not reaching out to it. It's driving me insane.
I've had enough. I'm making my plans, and I'm going to chase after them until I get to where I want to be. Underneath everything, I am not unhappy. I'm fun and exciting. I love doing things. I love being around people. I love to make jokes and have fun. I love being creative. I love connecting with people and nature. I love to draw and paint and do crafts. I hate being unhappy. I hate sitting around hoping things will magically get better or fall into place. I've got a long way to go, getting there, but I'm so excited to get started on bettering myself.
I had a friend who used to ask me "How bad does it have to get?". How bad does it have to get before you'll make it better? I've felt horrible way too long and I don't deserve it. As much as I think I do. No one deserves to be unhappy, but you cannot depend on anyone to make it better. I kept hoping someone would come and save me, or someone else could make things better for me. That's not going to happen. You have to do it for yourself. I know that now.
That's how I've been feeling the past little while.
Nothing bad is happening. Nothing is too great is happening, either.
I know I'm doing something wrong. I've felt the same way for 6 years. Worse in the last 4. I feel like somewhere in there, I've lost a really big part of myself. I barely have interests. I barely have friends. I have almost nothing to turn to.
Don't get me wrong, I have people in my life. I have my boyfriend, who I've been with for over three years. I have my best friend who I've known since grade 7. I've made a few friends online. I have some interests which make me really happy. But there's something missing. Part of me, some part of me.
A feel alone. A lot. My relationship is long distance, I don't get to talk to my boyfriend as much as I'd like to. I work night-shifts, because it's either that, or evenings, where I wouldn't be able to talk to him at all. My best friend is in university to become a nurse. I don't see her much because she's busy with school and doing homework. No ones at fault. It just blows.
I see her maybe once a month. Usually for coffee or dinner and drinks. I feel closer to her than anyone. We both know if we were able to see each other more often, we'd have the best friendship anyone could ask for. There's a closeness that no one could break.
I talk to my boyfriend usually every day. Our conversations usually aren't too serious. We get along best when we're both in good moods. I love him, but I can't turn to him when I'm feeling down. I get really bad thoughts, and if I try to talk to him about them, we end up arguing. He's not a bad person, he just doesn't know how to deal with emotions. Especially mine, when they seem to come out of no where and take over.
He's changed a lot from when I first met him. He was a baby, still is, but different. I know that, that happens sometimes. I still feel like we're connected, though. I still feel like something good could come out of what we have. I'm still in love.
Everything just seems so easy for him, though. It was easy for him to start making friends. Of course, when your job requires everyone to have the same interests in order to work there, you'll make friends with people who you already know are a lot like you. I'm not resentful towards my boyfriend because of this. I'm actually quite happy for him. This gives me some time to myself, which is something I've needed. Some time to figure myself out.
What I feel is missing, is having friends I could see more often. Having friends with similar interests as myself. I'm missing myself. I miss what I used to do to make myself happy. It seems as though I've been doing to exact opposite and I have no reason as to why. Why do I do things I know will make me unhappy? I'm bigger than I want to be. I tell myself to start eating healthier so I can lose weight. I do the opposite and I'm unhappy. I dwell on the past, which makes me miserable, but I don't do anything to change things for the better. I'm tired of it. I'm tried of sitting here and whining and not doing anything to change. I know what I need to do, it's all right in front of me. It's all waiting there for me and I'm not reaching out to it. It's driving me insane.
I've had enough. I'm making my plans, and I'm going to chase after them until I get to where I want to be. Underneath everything, I am not unhappy. I'm fun and exciting. I love doing things. I love being around people. I love to make jokes and have fun. I love being creative. I love connecting with people and nature. I love to draw and paint and do crafts. I hate being unhappy. I hate sitting around hoping things will magically get better or fall into place. I've got a long way to go, getting there, but I'm so excited to get started on bettering myself.
I had a friend who used to ask me "How bad does it have to get?". How bad does it have to get before you'll make it better? I've felt horrible way too long and I don't deserve it. As much as I think I do. No one deserves to be unhappy, but you cannot depend on anyone to make it better. I kept hoping someone would come and save me, or someone else could make things better for me. That's not going to happen. You have to do it for yourself. I know that now.
