I need your help

[AJR]

Hey guys I havent posted in a little bit and things for me havent improved. Im asking where I should go and what I should do. I want to die and I can feel my courage growing stronger the longer I try to cope. I have always been able to rely on my own cowardice to prevent suicide but I feel like Im almost strong enough, I thought of a foolproof way, the only way to stop me would be to lock me up and I dont want to be imprisioned and forced to endure when I dont feel like I can.

I've ruined everything I tried. I dont know if I just cant take being happy and I must destroy everything to prevent it or if I really am this bad at life. Until a few months ago I was confident I could make it and until I let myself trust someone and was once again betrayed. I know I am too nice and too trusting but I dont know how to be any different. I have to plan a class reunion and not only do I not have a clue what I am doing but I am so ashamed of what my life is I dont think I can face anyone.

This is most definately a cry for help. My family cant help all they do is deliver the same bullcrap about keep your chin up tomorrow will be better. Will I have to be doped up just to make it? Is there any hope for someone so lost as me? Thanks for listening to yet another whiny post from a hopeless loser.

 

[jjam]

What could it be if not depression?

[video=youtube]

Depression will make it difficult to appreciate even the little things, but try to focus on the little things. The bigger things can overwhelm many of us, and they're not as beautiful as the little things anyway.



Gosh, I hope that helps. Goodness knows I'm no doctor. Send me a message anytime, my friend.

 

[whispers]

Reading your post was like reading how i felt two years ago. Actualy, i felt like that many times...i am considered dangerous to myself. When i wake up with the idea of suicide... not much to be done exept check myself in the hospital. I simply tell them, ''keep me here or i'll kill myself''. Last time was the worst, they had to keep me in a secure facility, with no permission to leave for a month. Time to diagnose and adjust the medication. Major depression, beleive me, it is worth getting the help, not just meds but counseling also. I still see a psychologist every week. No shame in that, i'm alive, my chidren still have their mother.

Once, i had the rope aroung my neck, and a light appeared, and i heard it say...''It takes alot of courage to do what you are about to do... now take that courage and use it to change your life to become happy.''

PM me anytime if you need to talk

 

[Sci-Fi]

It sucks when people you expect to be there for you just tell you to "chin up". Really, if you want to get better you have to pull yourself up if no one else will help.

 

[Cinnamon]

Just replying so you know you're being heard. I'm pretty new around here and am still learning my way around, but if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to drop me a PM.

 

[fuzzybutt]

It sucks when people you expect to be there for you just tell you to "chin up". Really, if you want to get better you have to pull yourself up if no one else will help.

That takes a lot of inspiration, motivation, dedication, and microwaved pizza. So how does one do it after seeing no one will help?

 

[AJR]

Im pretty sure Im going to do it when I get my tax return. I'm not entirely sure when but Ill buy a quarter ounce of coke and sallow it. My friend died the same way, though his death was an accident of neccesity. I figure if I withold the date from myself maybe I can find a way out. I dont want to be scared anymore, dont want to be alone. I know Ill hurt a few people deeply but that would be sliver of the honeysuckle I deal with inside my head. I've often thought of jumping in front of traffic, but the thought of being unsuccessful would leave only personal dread and yet more finacial instability. Thought about a gun but the same situation applies. Drugs I know. I know if I swallowed that amount I would be dead before some idiot could call the police. I know what you must think, that I am weak and a coward unable to handle what so many before me have. I know some would have the impulse to contact the authorities but oh wouldnt it be worse, to be locked away in a looney bin, forced to endure a life I no longer have any desire for. So there it is. If I cant find a way to drastically alter my situation I will be dead in two months or so if Im lucky. No more sadness, no more rejection, no more momentary glimpses of the happiness that eludes me. I may drop in to update you all on my progress but know this, as I know the feelings of many on the subject I will be tight lipped from here on out. Trust is betrayal waiting to uncover itself and I wont have anyone ruin my plans.

Sadly it makes me feel even more pathetic that this is my sounding board. I told my mom last week I want to die and was given the same "encouragement" as I always have. But this time I take control, things will be better soon, one way or another. Thanks for listening to yet another pathetic rambling of the crazed shell of a man that I am. Until next time my friends

Anthony

 

[Ak5]

No, I don't think your weak or a coward or anything, I just think your rushing in this matter.

Go ahead and discuss anything you want with us.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Im pretty sure Im going to do it when I get my tax return. I'm not entirely sure when but Ill buy a quarter ounce of coke and sallow it. My friend died the same way, though his death was an accident of neccesity. I figure if I withold the date from myself maybe I can find a way out. I dont want to be scared anymore, dont want to be alone. I know Ill hurt a few people deeply but that would be sliver of the honeysuckle I deal with inside my head. I've often thought of jumping in front of traffic, but the thought of being unsuccessful would leave only personal dread and yet more finacial instability. Thought about a gun but the same situation applies. Drugs I know. I know if I swallowed that amount I would be dead before some idiot could call the police. I know what you must think, that I am weak and a coward unable to handle what so many before me have. I know some would have the impulse to contact the authorities but oh wouldnt it be worse, to be locked away in a looney bin, forced to endure a life I no longer have any desire for. So there it is. If I cant find a way to drastically alter my situation I will be dead in two months or so if Im lucky. No more sadness, no more rejection, no more momentary glimpses of the happiness that eludes me. I may drop in to update you all on my progress but know this, as I know the feelings of many on the subject I will be tight lipped from here on out. Trust is betrayal waiting to uncover itself and I wont have anyone ruin my plans.

Sadly it makes me feel even more pathetic that this is my sounding board. I told my mom last week I want to die and was given the same "encouragement" as I always have. But this time I take control, things will be better soon, one way or another. Thanks for listening to yet another pathetic rambling of the crazed shell of a man that I am. Until next time my friends

Anthony

I would offer encourgement, but i don't have much within myself, so I am not going to encourage.

Instead I am going to say that I think none of the bad things of you that you think of yourself. The opinion of others, towards you, differs drastically with what you think of yourself.

In addition I think all human beings have an innate worth. Don't ask me why I think this, there's just something sacred (why am I using a religious word when i am an atheist? It also occurs to me though that the word sacred means set aside, set apart, you could compare it to an ideal in an object form) about a life, or at least, thats the opinion of the majority since they put away those that take it away intentionally (murderers). So, I will also tell you that I value your life, and it grieves me to see a fellow human being so broken down and so in a hole of darkness that he (i assume you're a he) sees no other alternative, no other out, than the complete cessation of life.

Here's a thing that's always scared me about suicide. Thinking about not existing. Not thinking another thought, or seeing another day, or seeing anything ever again. Can you imagine a world in which you did not exist? It has been before you were born, this world, but, can you imagine, nothing, ever again? No sigh to cross your lips, the sensation of breath gone, you would be the black void of the universe, drifting on and on throughout eternity, nothing, you would become nothingness,you would become the endless dark void of space stretching on and on and on, without planets, without stars, worlds, without anything....nothing. What's more, can you imagine this void, this space, this nebulous cloying, indefatigueable, terrifyingly neutral, nothingness, reaching inside of you, taking over you (this is the process of dying), and then becoming you as if you never were?

ugh. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

 

[AJR]

I appreciate your words. Btw yes I am a male. The whole reason I posted this topic is because I am no longer afraid of what lies beyond human thought. For many years that has stayed my hand, cowardice, unable to face the beyond. I acknowledge that my passing will upset many, and if hell does exist I would indeed be going there, for my many sins as well as the last. Sadly the way you describe death is how I feel about life. I hate humanity, hate the happiness I could never hold onto, hate the fear it breeds into each of us, hate the unending lonely journey. I hate having to sit and watch as everyone I know leave and never look back. To feel the pure disgusting and vile way people talk about me. To reach out for someone and grasp only the air. I envision it like the void of space. Cold, devoid, and unforgiving.

It is my lack of fear that worries me so. The last time I felt it, I had no ALL Forrum to go to, I cut my wrists that very night. Obviously I failed then as I have failed so many things. I worry that if things dont change I will take them into my own hands, and this time I have the knowledge not to fail, this time, I have a plan.

Now I know life is hard, nothing that is worth obtaining is easy but it would be nice feel like it is for something. A reason why I must endure endless critisms, sadness and depression. I have no reason left to try, no one to make me strive to be better. I am 27 years old and it is already too late. Debt piles up, relationships fall apart, and the desire to live fades. What better way to be than be nothing. Yes without pain we cannot know true joy but even joy eludes me still. Tomorrow will not be better but much the same. I just dont know what to do, who to turn to anymore, there isnt anyone left to trust. I will say that I would rather die than be commited as it would only serve to bring about my most vile tendances, but where else would they send the suicidal? I even tried talking to my "friend" about her experience but she wont even respond to my most desperate plea for help.

 

[Cinnamon]

I'm not sure I can say anything that will help. Just wanted to offer a listening ear, someone to talk to if you feel like talking. I really hope you'll continue to reach out and at least allow yourself to be heard and supported.