I push people away...

[lonelydove]

I don't know why I do it...maybe I don't want to get hurt.
When someone wants to hang out with me, it's fine for a while then
I start pushing them away...
I want friends but I just dont keep them around and it makes me so mad and lonely.

Even when I'm with my husband, who I adore and love so much, I find myself pushing him away or starting a fight so he will leave for awhile. It's frustrating and I feel like such a *****.

Anyone else do this or know someone that does? I need advice please.

 

[Badjedidude]

Here's my theory on pushing people away:

You're scared of social interaction, and unsure about how you will be perceived and taken as a person. So in order to control how others perceive you, you purposely and unconsciously take steps to be pro-actively protective of who is allowed to perceive you.

And if you let someone be around you, you start the fights and act like you do because at least that way you're the one deciding how you get to be perceived, instead of leaving that particular judgment up to those who are around you.

*shrug* I dunno if any of that fits you, lonelydove, but that's my theory on the subject, anyway... and I hope it sheds some light for you.

Either way, good luck with working things out! *hug*

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sounds like you're your own worst enemy, or you've had someone hurt you really badly in the past and have now developed this defensive mechanism that's turned into a double edged sword.

 

[lonelydove]

That sounds about right.
I'm always worried about what people think and if I'm being to insecure.

I just don't know how to change it.

 

[tehdreamer]

I used to purposely push people away because I was hurt so many times in the past. I would start arguments with people without realizing it. Once I took a step back and thought about it, I realized these fights were stupid and I wasn't really upset. I only started them because I figured the person would turn on me and they were going to leave me anyway, so I would get so upset about every little thing. I still have walls built up around me, and I keep people are arms length, but I've since learned not to be so combative about things.

It's a process and it will take time, but you can learn to pick and choose your battles. Take a good look around and identify those people in your life who love you for who you truly are; those are the people you want to stick around. Work on not starting unnecessary fights with them and instead try to do things that will bring you closer to them.

 

[sadface]

I had a friend a lot like this - i deduced that it wasn't about him not wanting to get hurt as much as it was about him creating obstacles just to see who cared enough about him to cross them for him.

To him, if you were willing to get through them, it meant you cared, and would be there for the long haul.

 

[whirlingwaltzer]

I had a friend a lot like this - i deduced that it wasn't about him not wanting to get hurt as much as it was about him creating obstacles just to see who cared enough about him to cross them for him.

To him, if you were willing to get through them, it meant you cared, and would be there for the long haul.

That's rather a brilliant observation. I have a terrible--and increasing--history of pushing people away and it wasn't until I read about chronic loneliness described as "emotional anorexia" that I realized pushing away was possibly more than getting rid of people/baggage.

This book described loneliness as a quasi-conscious attempt of the individual to test the durability of the relationships in his/her life--not at all a manipulative endeavor, but a primal response to deep insecurity. I was comfortable with the theory because it was written by a person who, like me, describes herself as "life-long lonely" regardless of how many people were in her circle.

Whereas your friend may have been aware of the "testing" he was doing, I liked this "emotional anorexia" theory, because it didn't blame the lonely for her loneliness, but acknowledged the controlling quality of the isolation.

What a waffle--did that make sense? Ha!

 

[sadface]

it makes a lot of sense - and i really love the concept of emotional anorexia too - it really just makes sense.

 

[iBreathe]

I don't know why I do it...maybe I don't want to get hurt.
When someone wants to hang out with me, it's fine for a while then
I start pushing them away...
I want friends but I just dont keep them around...

Holy crack monkies! You might be my twin... o.o
On a serious note, I'm the same way and I can't understand for the life of me why I do it. I do this even with the people in my life that clearly love me.

Well, that's not entirely true... I think I know why I do it, but I'll be danged if I can figure out how to stop.

 

[change 4 good]

I'm another one that has to own up to doing this. .

With any friendship, inside I am thinking 'uh oh, hold on, just wait a minute! This is not right, how can you possibly like me! I am not good enough to be your friend!' So, therefore, I push that person away to save them from possibly having what I believe will be an awful, wasted friendship with me. I guess I fear that any friendship I have is bound to fail so I often dont give it the credit it deserves.

Of course, inside I am desperate for strong, secure friendships and I am trying so hard not to push people away but its not easy! I am beginning to wonder that maybe the wall that I put up when I am with someone is also there to protect me, to stop me from getting too close to a person, so at least then if it all goes wrong I'll not have got so attached to them that it will hurt so much!

Hmmm, I've got myself thinking now!

 

[VanillaCreme]

There are different reasons why I might push someone away. I may not like them. Or I may be nervous to allow someone to know me for whatever reason. Or I may just not pay attention to them enough to care.

 

[c2a8z]

You are more socially evolved than me!

I have symptoms of PTSD, including- hyper startle reflex syndrome.
I have this persistent tendency to overreact to everyday environmental stimuli, like noises, sudden social events, and even non-human things that move around me.

I even routinely avoid eye contact. I like to remain in control, but always feel abandoned. So, when I make eye contact, I feel like I am loosing control. How can I ever reasonably complain about loneliness when I will not create supportive social contact by simply providing basic 'open' body language, such as eye contact.

 

[change 4 good]

Eye contact is hard...I had the most awkward experience the week before last when I physically could not make eye contact with the person I was with. So much so that he started moving his head all over the place to try make me look at him. But I told him to stop it and that I was really having trouble looking at him (not that he is ugly or anything) as I was feeling so uncomfortable. After that, my anxiety just rocketed!

Nothing like actually telling yourself (or indeed blurting it out to the person you are with) that you cant do something! I need a volunteer who will let me practice looking into their eyes....

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Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you're under.

 

[oarivan]

Everyone thinks I'm high cause I won't look at someone when I speak to them. Usually I am but that's not the point.

This whole pushing people away thing...if I could solve my insecurities I could be quite the happy fellow.

 

[NOAH_FX]

I've always been this way as we'll.. I've always attributed it to being an army brat.. Most of my friends growing up were not my friends for long. After highschool i did the same thing.. I just won't seem to put the effort in with past friendships.. But i hope im learning to change with maturity and a more stable place. I have some great friends now, but i still seem to get edgy and become combative.. I have to really think about what im going to say these days. It's anoyying sometimes but this way i don't make snap comments that are rude for no reason.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

That's rather a brilliant observation. I have a terrible--and increasing--history of pushing people away and it wasn't until I read about chronic loneliness described as "emotional anorexia" that I realized pushing away was possibly more than getting rid of people/baggage.

This book described loneliness as a quasi-conscious attempt of the individual to test the durability of the relationships in his/her life--not at all a manipulative endeavor, but a primal response to deep insecurity. I was comfortable with the theory because it was written by a person who, like me, describes herself as "life-long lonely" regardless of how many people were in her circle.

...

Whirlingwaltzer, that's a pretty interesting theory that you read. Do you remember what book you read that out of, or who the author was?

 

[Nightwatcher]

Well, i kind of recognize that what you are describing in myself. Meeting a person once or twice in a shallow way is enjoyable. But in the next stage of the relationship when you actually get to know each other more deeply its then that you start pushing them away. I recognise the feeling that you want friends, but at a distance in myself.

I guess its a fear of exposing yourself to much to other people that is causing this. Its somewhat like "i dont want people to discover how tragic or wierd i am"

Atleast thats my view from personal experience. I hope i understod it correctly :shy:

 

[Lost Soul]

Usually it's people who push ME away. Sometimes I tend to push people away but I don't mean to.