I should be dead

[Thalamus]

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Amethyst]

Hi Thalamus

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story, your wall of text, gave me a reality check. My life has been pretty cosy compared to yours. I hope that you will never end things for yourself, as I see a very intelligent man who has fallen to some horrific experiences and circumstances. I applaud you for making this far, as your journey, sounds like you have been to hell and back, too many times.

I probably have no valuable advice to give you, except to offer my support in any way I can. May I ask have you ever been treated for PTSD (Post Trauma Stress Disorder)? I am a carer to someone who has many challenging disorders. I was also married to someone who has a bipolar disorder, for 15 years. No, wonder why you had a nervous breakdown! I see that you call it a "mental breakdown" I feel that this is a harsh word, as it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This does not mean that you will follow the same path as your mother, which I have interpreted from your posting.

I feel that you have peace within yourself before you start pulling down the walls that you have built around you. Have you heard the saying that you have to love yourself before loving another? Could it be that you loathe who you are? I know personally, I have loathed who I am on many occasions. As you have been institutionalized, you have had medical support etc. Did you find any support useful? I know that the person who I am a carer for hates the "so called professionals".

I had a nervous breakdown in my early 30's, for me I found having a belief worked for me. I became spiritual, practiced positive affirmations every day, learnt to meditate (which saved me, from further destruction) and became involved in Reiki Healings. I learnt to forgive others and myself, I learnt to love myself and to trust in myself, then I was able to trust others. Although the trust issue, sometimes rears its head.

I hope that I have helped, even in a small way. This forum is full of caring people, I know that they will offer you support too.

 

[Thalamus]

Amethyst.

Thanks for the words.

Where to start...? PTSD is not something I'm familiar with, if I'm honest. Always figured that was mainly for war-torn soldiers, not for your not-so-average-Joe.

And as for seeing a "professional", I have a deep distrust for them and anyone in that field. In fact it might even border intense hatred. I saw what they did with my mom, feeding her false hope and body contorting drugs. I don't like the idea of speaking to someone who actually has no idea what real stress is. If you have not experienced rock bottom, how on earth can you actually give advice? The only person in that field that I've ever actually trusted was my sponsor. And that's going waaaay back. But on the other hand I have considered the actual idea that I do need to talk to someone. Y'know, a lancing of the soul. But again, the distrust runs deep.

I don't know if I loathe myself, but there are definitely certain aspects that I don't like. And that's what I'm hoping to change.

And as for a belief, well that's kinda complicated. My first word as a baby was apparently 'Hallelujah' of all things. Religion played a big-ish part in my life when I was younger, and that's partially why I went into Satanism. I figured that if I had followed a belief that had no fruit, let's go the opposite way and see what we can get. Now, not so much. Don't get me wrong, there is definitely something out there, I've seen too much weird stuff to not believe. But that can't and won't bring me comfort. Not now, not ever.

I've tried to forgive my mom, as I do realise that everything that happened was totally out of her control. But it's hard. I have as little contact with her as possible, and whenever I go back for a holiday I get major panic attacks just thinking about paying her a visit. It's sad really.

But you are right about one thing. I'm terrified that I'll go down the same road as my mom. It almost feels inevitable, like it's my destiny. All you have to do is look at other people and their history. Most people who were abused, became abusers, etc.

And one last thing. When I was locked up in the asylum there were a lot of people in for various issues. Some appeared minor to me while others were colossal in scope and totally dwarfed my own experiences. But the one true thing Is that no matter your problem, in your head it's massive. It's the biggest thing in your life. So while you say your life was peachy compared to mine, the reality is that it was the same for you. Potentially life threatening.

Thala

 

[Walley]

yes, I would like to say thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you find some comfort and a bit of what you're looking for here.
the one point that stands out to me is this comment you made:

Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain

the key to finding love and happiness or even just be able to enjoy simple human contact?
well, it may sound cliché, but it all starts within. it honestly does.
if you don't love yourself, then loving or caring for someone else can be impossible.
a positive mentality is the root of happiness.
avoid looking backwards at things that bring you down. try to focus on what's in front of you. live in the current moments, not in your past.
as I've said many times, there isn't a lot you can do about things that have already happened, but there IS a lot you can do about things that are still yet to come.
and I really think it starts by changing your opinion about yourself and your own destiny.

 

[Thalamus]

Thx Walley

Just to touch on what I had said earlier. I don't plan on killing myself tomorrow, next week, or even in 5 years time. I try not to think about it. But it is my out, my failsafe if you will. And I don't dwell on my past either, in fact I make a point of not thinking about it because as you said, there's no point to it. I can't change it. But then equally I don't look towards the future either because it's scary as hell. I have my out and I leave it at that.

In all regards to everything, I'm not doom and gloom all the time. I try to make a conscious effort to try to stay above my darkness. But sometimes it overwhelms me and I struggle to get out of my funk. I find myself constantly angry at nothing(!) and at everything. No matter what side of the bed I get out of, it's always the wrong side.

My current barrier is human contact and all that comes with it. I need/want to break free of it. I like my bubble but enough is enough. I want to make myself a better person.

My story was just to give anyone here just a little insight into who I am and where I've come from. You need some history to take with you into the future.

 

[Drama]

I am sorry about what you had to go through. Not easy. Neither for you nor for your mom.

Yet, today you are still alive, and you have do the best you can with the days you have ahead.
You have mentioned that you eventually 'plan'? on taking your own life one day, and I can't help but wonder how could you start thinking about living a 'healthy' life if you already think about ending your life?
In my humble opinion, I think that you should first come to terms with your own fears and frustration, if that is ever possible.
Building a contact with others is difficult, but it is not inheritant. It is just a skill. You just put yourself in the lot, and at first it'd seem awful to you, but im not gonna lie to you perseverence is what is needed when one wants to have a social life.
I'd also suggest that you involve yourself in activities. maybe do something that relaxes you or makes you happy, and at the same time an activity that takes place outside your buble...idk it varried.. and you'd know better, and if you're not so sure what you want to do with your time why not try things? ANYTHING. there are surprises in things we undertake, and hopefully it will be for a better future.
I wish you best of luck, and I hope that you will find some peace and happiness at some point. But to get these things one has to work hard and NEVER lose hope. I bet that you already know all this but yeah.. good luck

---

I didnt read all the coms so sorry if there is repitition..

 

[Amethyst]

Hi Thala

You are very welcome.

It is a common myth that PTSD is only for “war-torn soldiers”, unfortunately PTSD is often misdiagnosed as psychotic episodes. PTSD can and will often mirror similar symptoms as many other illnesses such as bipolar, schizophrenia and extreme anxiety disorders. The person that I care for is 20 years old and he is my son, one of his illnesses is PTSD. As I mention previously my ex-husband has bipolar, PTSD brought on his condition, seven years after we married. Unfortunately, my ex-husband became a heavy drinker, refused to admit he had a medical problem and became a very violent man. We were informed that mental illness is known to be hereditary disease; this disease can lie in dormitory for many generations. I was unaware that the father of my children had any severe medical problems in his family until the day he went through a traumatic experience that he could not comprehend or come to terms with.

I can relate to why you have a ‘deep distrust” for the professions, as I have witness the exact same as you have with my two children. My son has had many cocktails of drugs (prescribed medications) that have set off a completely new area of problems, including the very same symptoms as schizophrenia…. That in itself is traumatising, the voices that he could hear, things he could see…. I have been there every step of the way.

My daughter was committed in an asylum for six weeks, for self-harming as she had been bullied at school for two terms before she could not take it anymore. Her experience of been locked up, was enough to push anyone over the edge. They had her on medication that was far too strong, which caused temporary blindness. Her anxiety levels as you could imagine sharply increased. It took me over 12 months with constant encouragement and support to get her to believe in herself and convince her that she was not crazy. I could not walk out of the room without her having a major panic attack. I am pleased to say two years later, that she has come a long way. Even though she still suffers from panic attacks occasionally, she is a beautiful well-adjusted young lady who is exceeding well in all her studies and life.

‘Satanism’, yes there is definitely something there and I agree with you it will never bring you comfort. I have also seen…. this is what that led me onto the path of spirituality. The belief in god and the higher goodness of the angels has helped me on so many levels.

Thala, I believe destiny can be changed. I also feel that you are strong enough to do this. You have been through more than the average person has. I get your point of “Most people who were abused, became abusers, etc.” yes, this has been the case many times…. NEVERTHELESS, these people are weak. The fact that you have survived through everything that you have been through, is a compliment in its self. You have already chosen a different path then your mum. You became your mum’s carer at the tender age of 10; you were just a mere child. You need to give yourself the credit that you deserve.

I have to go as my son has several appointments with the “professionals” today. Unfortunately, if he does not attend these appointments he will be not entitled to receive his pitiful but very essential youth support payments. I detest how they give him false hopes, as you watched with your mum. They need to come and live with him for a week, to see how much he struggles in life. I am Hi Thala

You are very welcome 

It is a common myth that PTSD is only for “war-torn soldiers”, unfortunately

PTSD is often misdiagnosed in younger and some older people as psychotic episodes. PTSD can and will often mirror similar symptoms as many other illnesses such as bipolar, schizophrenia and extreme anxiety disorders. The person that I care for is 20 years old and he is my son, one of his illnesses is PTSD. As I mention previously my ex-husband has bipolar, PTSD brought on his condition, seven years after we married. Unfortunately, my ex-husband became a heavy drinker, refused to admit he had a medical problem and became a very violent man. We were informed that mental illness is known to be hereditary disease; this disease can lie in dormitory for many generations. I was unaware that the father of my children had any severe medical problems in their family until the day he went through a traumatic experience that he could not comprehend or come to terms with.

I can relate to why you have a ‘deep distrust” for the professions, as I have witness the exact same as you have with my two children. My son has had many cocktails of drugs (prescribed medications) that have set off a completely new area of problems, including the very same symptoms as schizophrenia…. That in itself is traumatising, the voices that he could hear, things he could see…. I have been there every step of the way. My daughter was committed in an asylum for six weeks, for self-harming as she had been bullied at school for two terms before she could not take it anymore. Her experience of been locked up, was enough to push anyone over the edge. They had her on medication that was far too strong, which caused temporary blindness. Her anxiety levels as you could imagine sharply increased. It took me over 12 months with constant encouragement and support to believe in herself and that she was not crazy. I could not walk out of the room without her having a major panic attack. I am pleased to say three years later, that she has come a long way. Even though she still suffers from panic attacks occasionally, she is a beautiful well-adjusted young lady who is exceeding well in all her studies and life.

‘Satanism’, yes there is definitely something there and I agree with you it will never bring you comfort. I have also seen…. this is what I believe, that led me onto the path of spirituality. The belief in god and the higher goodness of the angels has helped me on so many levels.

Thala, I believe destiny can be changed. I also feel that you are strong enough to do this.
You have been through more than the average person has. I get your point of “Most people who were abused, became abusers, etc.” yes, this has been the case many times…. NEVERTHELESS, these people are weak. The fact that you have survived through everything that you have been through, is a compliment in its self. You have already chosen
a different path then your mum. You became your mum’s carer at the tender age of 10; you were just a mere child. You need to give yourself the credit that you deserve.

I have to go as my son has several appointments with the “professionals” today. Unfortunately, if he does not attend these appointments he will be not entitled to receive his pitiful but very essential youth support payments. I detest how they give him false hopes, as you watched with your mum. They need to come and live with him for a week, to see how much he struggles in life. I am pleased that I fought against the treatment that my daughter received, as she would have been led on the same path as her brother.

Do me a favour, please? Do not be so harsh on yourself and believe that you are in control of your destiny.

---

**** sorry went to do a quick grammar edit and it has copied by posting twice
Got to go, will be back later.

 

[Phaedron]

Sounds a lot like my life. I deal with a crazy old person everyday. My mother threw me as a baby, my father wanted to get rid of me. There was constant arguing, sickness, and hopelessness in the house I grew up in.

Never did the satanism part, but my father did. Satanists tend to eventually sacrifice themselves to satan through suicide. Mine did. There's little or no hope once you've sold your soul. Without hardcore spiritual repentance don't even bother trying.
I know that sounds mean and may make your situation worse, but it's a truth I've come to accept. In fact, not only was my loving fathers death a sacrifice to Satan, it perfectly accomplished what it intended to do: screw up my life completely.
He supposedly left all the satanism in the past, but you really can't. You become the property of demons and they pretty much control you. There are good reasons why "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." So both you and my father be lucky you're alive.
If either of you had met me under different circumstances you would not be.

Well that also depends if you were into the real stuff or just Anton Levay's mock Christianity and do what thou wildt. That's nothing to be concerned with.

Follow the satanism deeper (in learning) till you find out about the Saturn alchemists, eating of babies, and how they basically control the whole world. Perhaps this is why you were drawn to satanism? Don't expect anything good for pushing the forces of darkness. Since you aren't rich or powerful you'd might as well choose the side of good instead.

Well my situation seems hopeless too. I will probably die of a broken heart someday. I will prove my depression is king, as it will literally kill me. It would be a fitting death at least.

I know this isn't very comforting, but sometimes it's helpful to know we aren't alone. Sometimes I read these stories to remind myself I'm not alone.

 

[Amethyst]

Sounds a lot like my life. I deal with a crazy old person everyday. My mother threw me as a baby, my father wanted to get rid of me. There was constant arguing, sickness, and hopelessness in the house I grew up in.

Never did the satanism part, but my father did. Satanists tend to eventually sacrifice themselves to satan through suicide. Mine did. There's little or no hope once you've sold your soul. Without hardcore spiritual repentance don't even bother trying.
I know that sounds mean and may make your situation worse, but it's a truth I've come to accept. In fact, not only was my loving fathers death a sacrifice to Satan, it perfectly accomplished what it intended to do: screw up my life completely.
He supposedly left all the satanism in the past, but you really can't. You become the property of demons and they pretty much control you. There are good reasons why "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." So both you and my father be lucky you're alive.
If either of you had met me under different circumstances you would not be.

Well that also depends if you were into the real stuff or just Anton Levay's mock Christianity and do what thou wildt. That's nothing to be concerned with.

Follow the satanism deeper (in learning) till you find out about the Saturn alchemists, eating of babies, and how they basically control the whole world. Perhaps this is why you were drawn to satanism? Don't expect anything good for pushing the forces of darkness. Since you aren't rich or powerful you'd might as well choose the side of good instead.

Well my situation seems hopeless too. I will probably die of a broken heart someday. I will prove my depression is king, as it will literally kill me. It would be a fitting death at least.

I know this isn't very comforting, but sometimes it's helpful to know we aren't alone. Sometimes I read these stories to remind myself I'm not alone.

Phaedron

I am sorry for what your life has dealt to you. Your confusing posting has me wondering…. Yes curses, I am very well aware of, through ancestors paths. I am no hardcore spiritual repentance either. I have lived the most diverse life ever, I do not push my believes onto anyone, I share experiences that have worked for me and give support where I feel that I can support. I feel that you are a very negative stage with your correspondence in these circumstances. Although, I do not discourage your input, please make another posting to your reasons for seeking this forum.. You are NOT alone, I am listening, experienced in occultism (although, this is something I wished I did not know and elect) and I have empathy as a role; through parenting, carer and training in youth development.

 

[Midnight Sky]

You made the first step breaking out of your bubble by posting here.

 

[Thalamus]

To everyone that has posted here, thank you for you time and words. I've been very busy today and have a lot to process before I reply. It will happen, I just need more free time.

 

[phoenixdakota2014]

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

---

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you can one day move past it and let someone love you.

---

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

---

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

---

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.

---

Hi.

I'm a guy in my early 30s. Born and raised in good old Cape Town, South Africa. But have move over to not so sunny London. And my entire life has been.... Interesting. That would probably be the best word to describe it. Not fun and definitely not boring. Kind of reminds me of the phrase, "may you live in interesting times." Cause that's me all over.

Here's a brief inside look into who and what I am.

I'm an only child, raised by a single parent. My mother was raped by her uncle when she was very young, and it was witnessed by her own mother. Needless to say, nothing was ever done about it and the subject was swept under the rug.

She had me when she was 28, and her entire family tried to get her to abort me and when that failed they later pushed for me to be put up for adoption. Didn't happen.

When I was 10 she contracted M.E, which coupled with sever depression spelt certain doom for both of us. I was her carer. I bathed her, fed her, helped her in and out of bed, dressed her, you name it. All of that at the age of 10.

As the years passed by her depression became more and more severe. By the time I was 14 she was declared clinically insane and was locked away in a mental asylum. I was left to my own devices.

The way things were working out, I started to suffer myself. I was self harming, taking drugs and school was not an option. I was spiralling out of control and I tried to take my own life at the age of 15, the first of many.

I was eventually taken in by my mother's sister and lived there for several months. Unfortunately that 'family' did not believe my mom, they refused to acknowledge depression as an illness, and had no concept about self mutilation. Needless to say, I did not stay with them for long, and have since shut them out of my life completely.

I eventually made my way back to Cape Town and to my mom. She had been released and was now living with a friend she had met in the loonybin. Lemme tell you living with one crazy person is taxing. Living with two is just.... Crazy. Drugs became more of an issue, I got involved in Satanism and crime. Just about anything really to take my mind off my life and everything in it.

By my 17 birthday I was arrested for breaking and entering. And was promptly placed in rehab. It worked for a while and I was clean for about a year. My mom went off the rails again and attempted suicide again. I've actually lost count how many times she tried to end her life. And unfortunately I was always the Muppet who would find her.

By the age of 19 I suffered a mental breakdown and was put into a crazy house for young people. I went nuts. I really did. And I was there for quite some time. Eventually when I got out, the first thing I did was to deliberately O.D and try to die. And I did. I was clinically dead for 3 min. I should have died, and even now at the age of 33 I sometimes wish I did.

I eventually pulled some of my life together with the help of some very close friends(who incidentally also had shitty lives)and I got a job as an animator in a good company. But my life was still a mess. I suffered from massive mood swings, sever bouts of depression and self harming still played a big part in my life.

When I was 25 I had my first contact with my father, who had moved to he UK when I was about 5. Turns out he had put my inheritance from his mother into an account for me, only to be accessed when I turned 25. I actually had enough money to actually do something with my life.

Now unfortunately at this time, my mom was again out of the asylum and drinking heavily, and I was currently in my first and only serious relationship with a girl who actually shared my own name Needless to say it all turned to honeysuckle. My girl-friend cheated on me, and my mom went mental again. And that was when I realised that the only way to survive was to leave it all behind me. Get out of the country and don't look back. Which is what I did. I got an ancestral visa and moved to London along with my best friend and soul mate(in a totally heterosexual way, mind you)

Fast forward several years and I'm now where I am. I am in a mediocre job as I've never had the opportunity to have a decent and stable education, which I'm fine with. But my best friend is now married. And I'm totally thrilled for him in every way possible. While I shied away from human contact and love, he looked for it in everyday possible. But while I'm stoked for my buddy, I find myself in a dark and lonely place. I yearn to be loved and to love someone, but I can't handle human contact. I know that eventually I will be hurt and I honestly can't take it again. I've had enough hurt and honeysuckle in my life. It's frustrating and infuriating. I can see what the problems are but I'm incapable of dealing with it. The funny thing is that I'm actually good looking(even though stress has turned all my hair snow white), and I get asked a lot by women why I'm still single.

And to top it all off, I'm faced with a catch22. Thinking ahead I know I will end my own life, that much is certain. But if I want love how can I possibly inflict that on someone else. I had it, and it sucked. I couldn't bring myself to put someone else through that.

So now I've come here asking for one simple thing. How do I break out of my bubble and actually deal with human contact. Cause so far, I have no ******* clue. I don't like hugging(and in this day and age, when someone, anyone tries to hug you and you shy away, it makes for weird vibes) and even if I sit next to a friend, ill sit as far away as possible.

/sigh

I apologize for the wall of text, and that's not even half of it. But I needed to get it off my chest, because if I don't...... Well, I don't know.

Thanks for reading.