I simply haven't met the right girl yet

[Dissident]

Depends. The most important things to some people are probably the things that your partner should be able to discuss with you. I'm in the same boat with music (and several other subjects). If I can't converse with my partner about these things, well, conversation is going to get boring. I know because it's one of the things I'm dealing with right now. :/ As a result... I spend more of my time doing things that aren't talking with her because it's boring. There's no mental stimulation whatsoever.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd prefer a geeky artistic girl who is a musician. I get along best with fellow musicians.

You may get along best with them, but what if by chance you met someone who wasn't a musician herself, but highly appreciated the skills it takes, and she loved to hear you play? Would you then turn her down because she was not a musician herself? Or would you love the fact that she appreciates it just as much, or if not more so, than you?

I would appreciate a woman who liked music. I couldn't date someone who couldn't discuss music with me...it's just not going to happen. Music is my life.

As tough as it might be to be with someone you can't talk to about certain things.. I think it's okay to keep an open mind. You can always share the love of music with your other music buddies. She can't be everything to you now, can she? At least, EYE don't think that's possible. Or maybe I've not experienced that to say it can happen.

What Lady said. I can understand that you want to have someone who loves doing what you do, but honestly, would you want to date yourself? Because if that's the case, you can just hold your own hand and be done with it. I do think it's important to have things in common, but she can't be a carbon copy to you. If someone were so interested as to just feel content to listen and appreciate your music, wouldn't that make you feel on top of the world?

Sure, it would be awesome to create music with her, but you can do that with other folks. The deeper connection there would be that she appreciates you and all you do.

---

You know, I'll just say this, because I completely forgot what I was gonna say...

You can find a connection with anybody. I could pull a random person off the street and find at least one thing I have in common with them. However, that deeper love for and connection with is when that person appreciates you and accepts you for who you are. If you can't do that for someone, how are you ever going to get that same courtesy back?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You can find a connection with anybody. I could pull a random person off the street and find at least one thing I have in common with them. However, that deeper love for and connection with is when that person appreciates you and accepts you for who you are. If you can't do that for someone, how are you ever going to get that same courtesy back?

You know, this raises an interesting point. And, to be honest, I don't know.

I don't know anymore if I am still capable of showing love to a woman. I know, at one point, I was ready for a relationship (ages 14-17 years old), but I was hurt so badly by girls at my high school that I vowed to never date. And I'm still at that point, where I feel almost like dating someone to hurt her, just to show the girls at my school that I can get the hot girl, screw her, and dump her, and make her feel what I felt.

This is an awful realization, because A.) I am not that type of person, and B.) it puts me off asking out attractive girls, because I don't want to do that, even unintentionally. I am still so bitter over my younger years that I don't feel I will ever be ready to date, and it is because of the bullying I received at the hands of attractive girls.

I don't feel like a sexual being, anyway, and this is due to long term insecurities based on being teased and treated like I'm inferior. I guess the only way I would be able to break out of this, would be if I was treated like I was worth something by an attractive girl, "who actually wanted to be with me in a relationship that involved sex."

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't know anymore if I am still capable of showing love to a woman. I know, at one point, I was ready for a relationship (ages 14-17 years old), but I was hurt so badly by girls at my high school that I vowed to never date. And I'm still at that point, where I feel almost like dating someone to hurt her, just to show the girls at my school that I can get the hot girl, screw her, and dump her, and make her feel what I felt.
This is an awful realization, because A.) I am not that type of person, and B.) it puts me off asking out attractive girls, because I don't want to do that, even unintentionally. I am still so bitter over my younger years that I don't feel I will ever be ready to date, and it is because of the bullying I received at the hands of attractive girls.

I don't feel like a sexual being, anyway, and this is due to long term insecurities based on being teased and treated like I'm inferior. I guess the only way I would be able to break out of this, would be if I was treated like I was worth something by an attractive girl, "who actually wanted to be with me in a relationship that involved sex."

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Whether you mean it that way or not, nearly every single thing you wrote above says (to probably a LOT of readers)...

"I want to have sex with hot chicks and that's all that will do it for me."
"If I can't have a hot chick, I don't want one at all."

You can say you didn't mean it in that context all you like, but the fact is, that IS what it indicates.
Also, the thought of someone actually even THINKING of targeting an attractive women, just to have sex with her and dump her to spite some girls from YEARS ago, who likely can't even remember you, SICKENS me.
Yes, sickens me.
Thinking of doing something awful to some random person to assuage their own bitter need for "revenge" for being made to feel inadequate is beyond "normal" in my opinion. You need to see a psychiatrist - desperately. These thoughts are not normal and in fact are pretty frightening.
Don't even bother responding to this, as it will only lead to a fight. You need to seriously consider what Ive said here and seek help.
It blows my mind to think that someone could consider doing such an inhuman thing to someone else just to make themselves feel better.

 

[Rosebolt]

This is an awful realization, because A.) I am not that type of person, and B.) it puts me off asking out attractive girls, because I don't want to do that, even unintentionally.

I think you missed the point, Eve. I personally did not get the impression that Muse only wanted to date hot chicks to screw them and dump them, then again, i am only one of many readers. I understand with your frustration, i think anyone would be frustrated if they just read the text you bolted out.

Muse, i think you do have an issue, as much as i hate using that word, but it's not one that requires an immediate psychiatric evaluation. It's clear to me, and probably anyone else, that your problem is your self esteem or lack thereof, coupled with your sole focus on girls to help fix that self esteem. You have to realise that if you want to turn your life around and make it better, you should pull away from the tunnel vision you appear to have right now. Lately, all you seem to be doing is find some sort of excuse for why you are without a girl. It's always about the girl, like the whole gender is an army of jesus made to make the entire male population happy. I know you don't think like that, it's just an observation.

In addition to working on your self esteem, it might be good to seek help for dealing with your apparent trauma.

Listen, Muse, i think you're a really great guy all around, but what you're doing is only showing just one bit of yourself, to yourself, and to us, and perhaps the people around you. I wouldn't know, i'm not there. Only you have the power to make yourself happy, no one else has.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I see what you're saying Rosebolt. I do.
But try to look at this from a female's perspective. Also, every time I tell myself Im going to stop letting these kinds of posts upset me, and that I wont respond to them, then something similar to this is posted. It's a FACT that a lot of females have left the forum over repeated posts like these. I try my best to ignore some of the stuff that gets posted here, but even on a good day it's very difficult. Those kinds of comments are just AWFUL to read. Yes, maybe it's because Im a woman, but isn't that who the remarks are about?
Everything else aside - Muse... you won't ever have a healthy relationship (if any at all) with your mindset the way it is now.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I am still so bitter over my younger years that I don't feel I will ever be ready to date, and it is because of the bullying I received at the hands of attractive girls.

Why be bitter about it? All of those girls have moved on, and you're still churning about what they did to you. This is why I don't see a point in being bitter about something. The only one (that we know of) that is suffering is you.

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Whether you mean it that way or not, nearly every single thing you wrote above says (to probably a LOT of readers)...

"I want to have sex with hot chicks and that's all that will do it for me."
"If I can't have a hot chick, I don't want one at all."

You can say you didn't mean it in that context all you like, but the fact is, that IS what it indicates.

I would also have to agree with you, Eve. And just by the post of his that I quoted above this:

"at the hands of attractive girls."

Is why I agree with you, Eve. Leaning, would it have been better if they were ugly in your eyes? I'm not understanding what heartache and heartbreak have to do with how they looked. The mediocre or uglier girls never broke your heart? I fail to see how looks have any play in what they did to you. They would have done the same thing to you regardless.

 

[defenestrate]

There are immature and vicious people in the world. Sometimes people can be so cruel and hateful. I cannot even begin to imagine what you might have gone through LeaningIntoTheMuse but I can tell your deeply hurt by your experiences. There's no way to truly know how you feel unless I've experienced the very same things. An acquaintance of mine struggles with coming to terms of his mistreatment in high school after all these years so I understand how difficult it can be. I think anyone who has ever experienced a poor relationship can relate to what your saying in some small way. I believe there is a process in coming to grips with what happened.

There is a process to forgiveness.
The rewards, difficulties, and mere possibility of forgiveness should not be dismissed.

I'm sure you already have some idea of what forgiveness means. I'm also sure you've probably been repeatedly told to forget about it already. Forgiveness does not mean what happened to you was “okay” or can be excused. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened to you was a small, unimportant thing. Forgiveness does not mean you will forget what happened to you. Forgiveness is meant for you and not the person who has wronged you. The pain that you are feeling is important, and it does matter. Asking someone to forget about their past is far too unreasonable. Instead, we remember, grow, and learn to continue our lives and use what we've learned to build happier relationships in the future.

True forgiveness is an ongoing process which never concludes. Even if you were hurt terribly, there may be a place for forgiveness, if not to the one who hurt you. Where there are relationships, there will be a need for forgiveness. Whether the need for forgiveness dwells in painful experiences in the past, divorce, or even health relationships, there will be both hurt and blame. Forgiveness of ourselves and each other is a very significant aspect of our lives.


Your already off to such a great start LeaningIntoTheMuse. I'm sure anyone would want to feel important or needed. These things take time, try to value and celebrate the small victories you make along the way to your destination. You'll reach it eventually.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thanks def. Out of all the responses, that was the only one that was helpful, and didn't make me feel like honeysuckle.

I never said I would do it. I was afraid that I would, because part of me feels like I would...so that's why I don't date. If I was going to do that, I would have. And I regret admitting that; it was something deeply personal, and apparently my own darkest thoughts are offensive.

I agree that my focus on "attractive women" is becoming unhealthy, and I think that is something that I have to blame on porn. Since I was 12, I've been watching porn...same types of women, etc, and I think I've somehow felt like I was entitled to that fantasy...even though real women don't look like that. I know that, and that site yourbrainonporn.com and other sites like it say the same thing. I should be open to dating women that aren't "my type" (I've never dated, how the hell should I know what my "type" is...other than what I've looked up on porn sites?)

I think my OP stands, but I need to talk this over with my therapist. Yes, I am seeing a therapist...I have been in therapy since I was 14, all thanks to the bullying and the bipolar that I had in high school. I have gotten a LOT better, Eve, so you don't have to worry about me. I'm more depressed than anything at the moment, and yes, I am the only one who is hurting from this. I used to have agoraphobia, and couldn't leave my house. At least I can go to college now without having meltdowns.

I'm debating whether or not to continue posting here. I think I've ruined any friendships I could have ever had here, so maybe it's best for me to move on. I've never really fit in here, anyway...I'm like a square peg in a circle hole.

---

I think I've exhausted my welcome here. I'll go on the other forum, where I actually have friends. People hate me here, so I guess I'll say goodbye.

 

[defenestrate]

Nevermind that. It's easy to isolate ourselves and judge ourselves harshly. I think that taking a moment to consider the purpose of typing messages might help you find some answers, but I'm always going to encourage anyone whose in pain to choose to talk about it. You've already overcome so much, I hope you can acknowledge that and feel proud of it.

I think you've raised an interesting point about knowing what your type is anyways. Sometimes we don't know what is it we want from a relationship or who we want in one. The only remaining possibility is to continue to grow and learn while attempting to better understand how to live a fulfilling life. If you find yourself unable to build relationships, or even platonic friendships because of a preoccupation you have, I would consider it to be a bad thing. I think it might be something to discuss with your therapist, I'm sure you'll gain some insight...

 

[nerdygirl]

Hm. Couldn't you date somebody who doesn't meet society's standards for beauty? Or do they have to possess this quality in order to be attractive to you? When you describe the things you need, looks don't seem to play a factor.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

nevermind, this is all just a bunch of stereotypical garbage.

I need to get off of this forum, because it is not a healthy place for me.

 

[nerdygirl]

I could, but part of me would always wonder what it would be like to be with a stereotypically attractive girl.

I think all guys want the hot girl, even if they are unattainable.

This whole thing is just sad. I'm focused on looks, because I assume that sexual attraction is based on looks...but I've never been in a situation where the girl has been sexually attracted back to me, as well as me to her...so I can't say that I really know what dating consists of.

Perhaps you could start working on teaching yourself to be sexually attracted to somebody based on who they are, rather than their appearance. You know what it would be like to be with a stereotypically attractive girl? It would be exactly the same as being with somebody who doesn't fit those standards... but, you know. She'd have a different face. We are not our faces, and there are kind beautiful girls as well as heartless ones. There are girls who not only lack looks, but also lack personality.

The nice thing is- when we are attracted to a person for who they are, the often become more physically appealing to us, as well. We stop seeing the misshapen nose and think about the expressive eyes. We stop thinking of the double chin and start thinking of their pretty toes.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'll try that, nerdy, but I will have a hard time with it, I'm sure. You can't just break out of something overnight.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'll try that, nerdy, but I will have a hard time with it, I'm sure. You can't just break out of something overnight.

Yes but you keep trying and if nothing is working, try to find other ways to work on it. I get what you're thinking here and I get how it can be offensive to women... but just remember one thing, you have that willpower and choice to make. You won't do things to hurt others.. there's nothing good you can gain from that. Try to let it go, I know how frustrated you are, at this age and not getting a suitable girl... but if you could at least try to see yourself more positively, look at life more positively and try to stop thinking negative thoughts about women or your life.... I think that will start to lead you somewhere.

Seriously, when I got so sick and tired of blaming myself for everything and looking at life so negatively, I changed my mindset and thought to myself, I'm gonna scrap all negative thoughts from now on and learn to love myself, with or without someone cos I owe myself that much. And that's when I start meeting so many ... and I repeat, so many freakin nice people... more than I have ever done so in my 23 years of living on earth then. Sometimes.. all it takes is that change of thought or perception and mindset within ourselves.. that will create change in other areas of your life. Just remove all negativity in your life.. it's taking up too much of you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Just remove all negativity in your life.. it's taking up too much of you.

Exactly. Bitterness included. It just consumes too much of anyone, and too much time, for no reason.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

This makes sense, lady and Vanilla. I think I'll take your advice.

I know things haven't worked out for me the way I want it to, but that doesn't mean that "nothing" has worked out. I've gotten further in college, I'm writing a book, I've created so many musical albums of original music, I've gotten better at playing guitar and piano, I have great nieces and nephews, etc. In so many ways, I am blessed...yes, sure, I don't have the love of a woman, or an actual family of kids that can call me "daddy", but that doesn't mean it will never happen.

I just need to look at the positive, and how far I've come, rather than where I have failed.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Exactly. And just because things haven't always worked out how you wanted them to, doesn't mean they never will. Things not working out in the past doesn't necessarily dictate what will happen after the fact. It's only failure when you give up.

 

[ardour]

I agree that my focus on "attractive women" is becoming unhealthy, and I think that is something that I have to blame on porn. Since I was 12, I've been watching porn...same types of women, etc, and I think I've somehow felt like I was entitled to that fantasy...even though real women don't look like that. I know that, and that site yourbrainonporn.com and other sites like it say the same thing. I should be open to dating women that aren't "my type" (I've never dated, how the hell should I know what my "type" is...other than what I've looked up on porn sites?)

There's a major part of your problem. You need to get that rubbish at our your head if you want to develop healthy self-respect and move forward.

Also I see women being *very* turned off by a man who habitually watches porn, and I don't blame them.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Not every woman is turned off by porn. One girl I knew in college was obsessed with mainstream porn, and she was very into guys who were into the same. In fact, she seemed to not find me attractive enough, because I was too vanilla.

That's kind of my problem. If I want kinky girls, I am never kinky enough to be with them, and the vanilla girls don't want me, either. It's odd.