i wish i could be fixed

[Emma ruby]

hello everyone.

this is my 1st post, i found this forum through my search for deppression test, i toke a look and it seems like im not the only one who is having hard time or issues or just different.

i dont know why i become a member, probably because i need to talk mostly about meaningless things ! things the pop up in my poor mind to leave scars or to annoy the heck out of me !!

i just wish if someone tell me what is wrong with me !
i wish if i can be fixed ! and be normal like most poeple are !

who am i : beautiful girl who did too many things in too little time , im never alone yet im so god dam lonely it hurt, i cant actually say a lot about my self because im different person every day and some times every second ! i cant decide who i am if im not just no body ..

i feel like i cant breathe, i wanna run away or just disappear into nothingness.

there is this sadness in me, i dont know the reason but i know i feel so sad i sometimes hide from every one and wrap my hands around me in a failure try to hold my self from feeling broken in so many pieces and some times i cry and cry with this pain in my heart, not only in my heart this pain wrap my own existence, my soul ! have you ever felt like something is sucking the life out of you!!

have you ever felt like you are not a live and you are not in your body and your body works out and thinks for its own like a programmed machine ?
poeple make me sad, news make me sad, my own existence makes me sad, my life makes me sad, poeple faces in the streets makes me sad, im so helpless and useless or may be selfish and only think about what i feel?

i dont know, im undecided on my problem or how to sort it out !

i loved people so much when i was a kid but i got hurt so much i tried to kill my self so many times but i guess in the end i understood that im a live for a reason and i should just find what is this reason and live for it but i cant seem to find it yet !

now and for years i shut down ! i wasnt always like that ! im still not like that

one day like today this is what i feel, may be tomorrow i would love everything in life even the little scraches in my car !!

next day i would feel great as if i was god gift to earth i feel like im here for great things!!

im 24 now and all of the sudden my life toke weird turns i dont know how i ended up leaving home, the whole country and go as far as i can to melt and disappear into this world, i cut all relation with my old life it is an old life, i think about the past but feel like it was someone else who lived it not me like im not this person and i never was!

i have no feelings so what ever towards people !

i cant fall in love, i dont even miss my own family who i left behind without even looking back, i dont miss anyone, no in fact i miss this one person so much but he is dead so basically i dont miss anyone that is alive!

even my friends who i would just leave behind as if they are disposable !

its just that i cant be attached to anything or anyone

as soon as i like someone there is this thing that works automatically
i control them i made them love me i enjoy seeing them suffer or hurt by me then i leave them and stay away and i wonder is it just that i dont love them or is it me that is hollow and drained out of good emotions !!

i know im empty and people who get close to me i worn them out that one day i wouyld leave them wouthout explaining and i wouldnt even care to look back and talk to them....
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or some times i fall in love specially if who ever i fall in love with is a hard person to get but as soon as i get them i fall out of love (i cant love anyone more than a day)

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some times i go by without feeling down for weeks, i party all the time, go to the beach and even sky diving, im out going and people will never be bpred around me then one second is all what it takes to brink me down..



im a bipolar II and this is my world....


yours

Nobody

 

[Dessa]

I'm sorry Emma Rubby. *HUG* I just wanna know if you are on medication? Because that might help the loneliness. You're so young to be bipolar which makes this even sadder. I don't really have anything to contribute but my presence. And if you ever wanna talk just PM me and I will reply. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to the site.

 

[Emma ruby]

thank you OCI ! i dont really wanna talk about it i guess i just felt like talking, i had pretty good week and i woke up today pretty ok thenall of a sudden my mood swing catch up with me.. ill be ok by tomorrow i dong get bad episodes that stays long time.. and no im not on medications

all what medication do is freeze my brain, i cant think of anything more than a minute or two !! putting my brain to sleep while my body is fully awake is no fun neither comfurtable..

but to be honest i am going tomorrow to my shrink , see the worse part about being bipolar is the other disorders that comes along like insomnia and anxiety and i think i would probably give medication another try as i dont like being in this mood, not fair on people arund me.. but thank you a lot xx

 

[SophiaGrace]

Hey emma, i too feel as though I have trouble emotionally bonding with other people. I drift a lot...
Being Bipolar sounds like hell though. Glad you're going to see a shrink.

 

[A new life]

"..........i enjoy seeing them suffer or hurt by me then i leave them and stay away.........."

Stop it!

 

[Psycrow]

I never heard the word bipolar but i tryed to google it and i get the picture of being you.
Could we call is Manic Depression

Sounds like you soul has gone on vacation huh
Ok enough fun

You might not think of you problem like a big one now, but it will grow worse
So i took some time and found this on google

Here is some fact you should try out.

Bipolar disorder requires long-term treatment. Since bipolar disorder is a chronic, relapsing illness, it’s important to continue treatment even when you’re feeling better. Most people with bipolar disorder need medication to prevent new episodes and stay symptom-free.

There is more to treatment than medication. Medication alone is usually not enough to fully control the symptoms of bipolar disorder. The most effective treatment strategy for bipolar disorder involves a combination of medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, and social support.

It’s best to work with an experienced psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder is a complex condition. Diagnosis can be tricky and treatment is often difficult. For safety reasons, medication should be closely monitored. A psychiatrist who is skilled in bipolar disorder treatment can help you navigate these twists and turns.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I can relate to U ...but not entirely.

Yeap..on a good everything and everybody is fucken retard to me.

I was like obsessing on someone today...felt good to allow myself to feel being in love..a couple hours later Im thinking...oh evertything is just so fucken retarded...

I have living tools N copping skills..but I been on the I dont givve a fresia mood for the past couple weeks...

I dont beat up myself though.
and I dont try ti figure it out...sucks when I get into compulsion.

I just know and belive theres nothing wrong with me...Im complete, perfect and whole already....
so..whatever the fresia I go through
is whatever the fresia i go through ..