I wish I met her sooner...

[sylent]

Let me start off my saying that I appreciate that you have taken the time to read my post. I need perspective on my life and sometimes I am not sure where to go for help. Here is my story...

I am 24, m, married. I married when I was 21. At the time I was religiously devout and part of the reason I married was because of my religious beliefs. My wife is a wonderful person, she loves me like I am sure no one else will ever love me. And although this will sound ungrateful of my part, I cannot seem to love her the way she loves me. In hindsight getting married was a mistake. Simply because I had not seen enough of life to truly know the magnitude of the decision I made.

Six months ago my wife and I began having some difficulties in our relationship. She does not work. I on the other hand am very focused on establishing my career and work in a job that at times requires very long hours, weekends, and some travelling. During these busy periods of work she feels lonely and even though she says understands her actions demonstrate to me that she resents me. During one of these periods she decided to visit her family in another state for 1 month while I stayed back. I was working very long hours so it seemed like we wouldnt be seeing much of each other anyway. During the month that she was away I met someone, Anna.

I was with a group of friends that day and one of them brought Anna along. We were introduced and that was that. I didnt care to pay much attention because all i wanted was to take my mind off of work. To make this long story short Anna turned out to be an incredible person. We talked the entire time and there never was a dull moment.

Anna became one of the close circle of friends that I have and I began to see her more frequently. We have never been more than just friends. Sometimes Anna and I lock eyes and stare at each other. When this happens she smiles and looks down. As time has passed and as I have gotten to know Anna more I realize I have fallen in love with her. I also realized that I have never felt this for anyone else. I have felt affection but what I feel for Anna is more. I have never told her because it would be unfair.

It would also be unfair to my wife. She does not deserve it. But how do you tell the heart to love someone and not to love someone else?

I wish I had met Anna sooner. But I did not. The past cannot be changed. So even though I love her I will commit to never seeing her again because of the very fact that I love her. I know that as time passes and this feeling grows stronger I will want to tell her and that is only going to be a cause for pain and suffering. That is not what I want for the woman I love.

Please, tell me how bad of a person I am. I need know it but my heart justifies my actions and that is not a good thing.

 

[SullenGirl]

Oh dear God. O_O

 

[hbkdx12]

You really need to have a serious talk with your wife and determine if you really love her or make yourself believe you love her because you're married and that's what you're "supposed" to do

 

[sylent]

You really need to have a serious talk with your wife and determine if you really love her or make yourself believe you love her because you're married and that's what you're "supposed" to do

Yes, I am well aware of what I am supossed to do. This is afterall reality. But the thing is, what good does it do to tell her "hey by the way I dont think I ever loved you."? I rather swallow my feelings than to cause her that pain.

 

[hbkdx12]

You don't have to say that specifically but if by "swallow your feelings" means staying married to someone you don't want to be with then you're doing both of you a huge disservice

 

[sylent]

You don't have to say that specifically but if by "swallow your feelings" means staying married to someone you don't want to be with then you're doing both of you a huge disservice

This is where it gets even more complicated. My wife has not worked since we got married. I encouraged her to start her own career to accomplish something that she can be proud of. Afterall, we do not have any kids so she can devote time. She refuses though. I dont really mind that she does not work, but if we were to split up then she would literally jobless. She does not deserve that. So yes by "swallow my feelings" I mean just that. Call me stupid, but in my own twisted mind this is how I rationalize it.

 

[hbkdx12]

I'm 26 and not married so im not speaking from personal experience or from a place of age and wisdom but im sure a loveless marriage sucks beyond belief. So you're saying she doesn't deserve to be left stranded with nothing which is probably true but at the same time she doesn't deserve to live a life that may ultimate be sham. I'm not saying you just need to up and divorce the woman, best case scenario is that you guys can talk/work out how you really feel about each other, maybe through counseling? But its only right that you at least present her with that option

 

[MountainGhost]

What you're choosing to do in this situation is brave, although misguided.

The decision that you'll ultimately have to make has nothing to do with the other woman but focuses solely on you.
Are you willing to sacrifice the rest of your life (and that's what you'll be doing) for the sake of your wife?
I promise you that if you're not 100% sure of the decision you're making, I mean totally committed, that you'll live to regret it and end up hurting her more in the end.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

Well man, you can choose to "live for the now" and leave your wife for this new chick. It'll be fun while it lasts I'm sure! You only get to be in your 20's once right? Might aswell live it up before you hit 35!

But chances are things won't work out with this new chick like they have your wife. They may seem perfect, it may take weeks, months, or even years...but some time down the road you will end up alone.

 

[jjam]

I...

 

[sylent]

I appreciate all your points of view. Just to be clear separating from my wife does not necessarily mean I will be with Anna. I have never told Anna my feelings and I will not look to tell her unless my wife and I divorce and I have had sometime to make sense of all these comflicting feelings that torture me everyday. For all I know she has no interest in me. And that is fine, my love for her is not conditional upon her loving me. Its completely messed up, I keep on telling myself that. Here are these two women... on one hand my wife who absolutely demonstrates that I mean the world to her yet I cant bring myself to loving her... on the other hand Anna who makes my heart jump out of my chest even when I know there is a possibility she does not feel anything for me.

Somehow my wife knows that I do not love her. Just yesterday, she looked and me and said that if I ever stopped loving her not to tell her. I couldn't tell her. I keep on telling myself, she does not deserve this pain. My brain knows it yet I cannot force my feelings to change.

I am 24 and I am truly not sure who I am. I thought I had it all figured out. Everything was in perfect place. Now I question every single day the direction I am going. I know I am a coward for having these feelings and someone putting my head down and living another day whithout doing anything to change things.

 

[freedom]

wow, your story is very, very touching.

listen brother, as someone who has gone down this road already, let me tell you what i've learned and hopefully you can learn from me and making your decision will be much easier.

i won't go into the specifics of my situation, but if i were you, i would just be honest about what you're feeling. you do NOT want to live the rest of your life in regret for something that, down the road, you're going to realize was such an easy choice. first off, you haven't been married for long, so that's a good start. you didn't mention if you have kids or not, but if you don't, that's even better. just sit down with your wife, and tell her what you're feeling. i know it's easier said than done, but you have to imagine that the way things have been going, she is probably expecting the worst anyway.

you mentioned that you don't want to hurt your wife by telling her this, but think of the damage that you're already causing her and yourself by keeping this from her. your marriage is young. you're young, and you aknowledged that getting married was a mistake because you hadn't lived enough to constitute making that decision. from the outside looking in, the decision is clear. you need to go your seperate ways and enjoy yourself with the woman that you actually love.

you sound like someone that has the same background as i, and if that's true, then you probably realize that it's a mistake to live your life by the rules set forth by your elders and your religion, especially if it's one that you don't believe in. it sounds harsh, but it's true. what i'm saying is that you should live your life the way that you want to live it, and not how others (your parents, family) expect and want you to live it.

i kind of went a little off the topic there, but it definitely makes sense if you think about it. listen, i know i don't know you and you don't know me, but please listen to me and end your marriage. put her down gently, and no one will guarantee that it will end well, but it will end right and you can go on to be with the woman that you love. TRUST ME! it's not often that you meet a woman that you can actually love, fall in love with, care for, and actually want to spend your life with, so just go with your gut, follow you instinct, and allow yourself this opportunity to be happy, ok? any questions or comments, PM me.

i wish you luck on your ventures.

-freedom

 

[sylent]

Thank you for your comment. I really feel like you were able to understand where im coming from. If you don't mind, please do go into specifics about your experience? It would be extremely helpful.

Yes my marriage is young but we had dated for a long time before marriage. All in all we have been together for about 7 years, no kids though (thankfully).

You were right, religion and the opinion of some of my elders did factor into my decision to marry as early as I did. But hey, I had the final word so the blame is entirely on me.

And you are also right, as I time has passed I have come to question so much of my past that I simply attend religious gatherings because the people there are like my family and I enjoy spending time with them even if I don't necessarily share the same point of view anymore.
I will be honest, at the core of my decision there is also fear that my family (including people I respect like fathers, people who I have grown up with that are like brothers to me) will disassociate themselves from me because my actions are simply not in line with their beliefs. I think about all the things that will happen if I divorce, I play it over and over in my head, and the thought of it puts a knot in my throat. Simply put, I will literally walk away from everyone and everything I have ever known hurting people along the way that do not deserve to suffer any pain.

The core question becomes very simple yet so unbelievably difficult... Am I willing to lose absolutely everything at the expense of gaining nothing? As illogical and irrational as that may sound it seems like I cannot force my heart to make the "right" decision.

 

[Luna]

How depressing...

Sometimes the heart wants unreasonable things.
I think it's very saddening that one can feel that they love someone...then few years down the road it becomes "I have never loved you."

The attraction that you feel towards this Anna - she's new, there's the mystery etc and all of that still there.
Even if you did date her; who knows...perhaps you would find that she's just like any other woman.

I don't know what to say, but why stay with someone you're unhappy with?
But sometimes the problem isn't the other person - it's ourselves.
Some people are never satisfied with what they have no matter how good they have it.

 

[Peter Lorre]

The grass always looks greener on the other side (especially when you're going through some tough/dark times), but it often isn't.

 

[blackhole]

you don't "love" anna.

you are infatuated with anna.

you've got a woman at home who "loves you like no one else ever will".

why not use some of that pent up energy to try to grow your relationship,

see it as a challenge.

you obviously loved her enough to get married.

grow together or grow apart.

the choice is yours.

but as long as your cock is pointing at anna, you will not give the attention to your marriage that it needs.

people like you shouldn't get married.

 

[floffyschneeman]

but as long as your cock is pointing at anna, you will not give the attention to your marriage that it needs.

people like you shouldn't get married.

So harsh, he didn't even tell her he is having feelings for her, and he also said he made a decision not to see her. aaand he also said, he knows Anna might not share the same feelings as he is having.

Comments like that should not be posted.

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to the OP...

your situation is very sad. But you are right, this has nothing to do with Anna. Anna just showed you a glimpse of the things that you have missed for marrying early. But they don't mean you've made the wrong decision. I think that you should tell your wife about what you're going through and ask her to help you, as a couple. She is not a child that you have to take care off. She is your wife and both of you should work as partner in building your relationship.

You said that you have been with your wife for 7 years and that you feel you haven't loved her? If so, maybe things were so smooth with your relationship cos of the factor of religious beliefs, everything is laid down perfectly and you were just going along. That's safe and nice, but you will never know a person (including yourself), you will never realize the full extent of your feelings or care for someone, if you've not been through ''though times''. tough times with someone can make you ''know'' that person completely well than just spending some time with them.

In my opinion, I think that you should see it first and be very sure that you can never love your wife, and contemplate on that, before you tell her that you want a divorce. Tell her about your struggles and let her make what she can to help in building the relationship. Get to know each other again and maybe you just haven't seen the woman she can actually be. There's always that reason that made you marry her, look for that again.

Good luck.

 

[blackhole]

So harsh, he didn't even tell her he is having feelings for her, and he also said he made a decision not to see her. aaand he also said, he knows Anna might not share the same feelings as he is having.

Comments like that should not be posted.

i beg to differ.

he claims to be "in love" with another woman,

exactly how does that happen while one is living up to his vows?

not harsh at all, sorry i just don't tolerate emotional infidelity as leniently as you do.

different strokes for different folks.

simple truth is: while he is pining after anna, i can tell you what he is NOT doing, and that is thinking about his wife and family.

maybe harsh, but may also be the reason that most marriages fail.

don't jump in my honeysuckle for having principles.

if you don't like my delivery, then kiss off.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

It does indeed sound like the cock is pointed at Anna. Chances are she likes you because she knows you're already taken. It's like she can't have you, you're a challenge to her, women love that. Once you become available, she will date you for a month or two...and then leave you for someone else.

Stop chasing that dollar, give your marriage the attention it deserves. You're luckier than most guys honestly. Look at me, I threw away a wonderful relationship and since then its been nothing but short term and one night stands. All I want is someone who is willing to stick around with me for more than a month. I have enough drama and heartbreak for 10 guys, it's not a fun way to live.

Remember, worst case scenario, there is always the possibility if/when you do divorce your wife...you'll be subject to an endless amount of searching for that "true love" and die miserable, alone. It happens every single day.

 

[floffyschneeman]

He admitted having feelings for her, and feelings doesn't have a switch you can either turn on or off, it is indeed ill, but it can't be stopped unless he does something about it, . Example, admitting and asking help or advice, now you can judge or help. And to tell you honestly, I don't tolerate infidelity too, you'd realize that if you're not too busy thinking your the only just person here. You really don't know me, and you don't know anyone here, most people don't need aggression they need understanding and advice.


If his... was pointing to Anna, he'd be with her now and not writing this thread.

---

And, read his comments on other people's post too, not just the original thread.