If You Could Change Something About Yourself, What Would It Be?
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A
Arsenic Queen
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If I could, I'd erase and "try again" with the choices that broke me, but then I doubt I'd be here to talk about it. Time will tell where it'll lead me...
B
Bones
Guest
***I started to make a new thread called What Have You Learned Since Being ALLf, but decided not too since it still relates to this thread for something I would like to change about myself.***
There are a lot of good posts on ALLf and I attempt to keep the posts in mind and utilize the information as different situations permits it; and today, it was one of those times.
From the parking garage to the office, I was talking to "Shannon." As we got on a capacity filled elevator, I mentioned to her that I would make her day start off miserable in a joking manner. As I was getting off the elevator, I said WVU and was trying to bring up my elbow up like in a nudge, nudge gesture while acting like my WVU jacket was going to touch her. (She is a huge fan of an in-state rival for college football and would be considered almost "sacrilege" for my team colors to touch her.)
Instead, because the elevator was packed, I actually nudge her by accident a little to hard even though I did not mean to touch her and started laughing (at the perceived joke which would have been good if I had not touched her with my elbow.) (We worked on the same floor for about eight years and now she works on another floor.)
All day long and even now I have felt bad about it because I made a mistake and worried that I may have hurt her feelings and/or by accident invaded her personal space.
But, why did it bother me so much and why did I think about it all day?
The reason is that my father was a perfectionist; and if I made one tiny mistake and/or did not do something in HIS perfect order, he would scream, throw me up against the wall, pin me down, or other things. Therefore, I have huge conditioned response for anytime that I make a mistake from childhood.
How does this effect my "lonely life?"
Well, it is simple. While I already have a good nature about myself with others, worry about people's feelings all the time, and always worrying about making mistakes, I actually create an environment that minimizes mistakes. Therefore, I do not utilize the skills that I actually have to mingle with others because I am to worried about making a mistake - even the smallest of mistakes.
Therefore, this is why I really agree with EWF comment about (cited below): I'd like to be less sensitive to things people say to me. I'd like to be able to just not give a crap what anyone says. On the other side of that coin, I'd like to be able to tell people to piss off when they hurt my feelings and not feel any guilt about having done so. Im tired of always apologizing for what I feel.
It is the feeling of guilt and/or disappointment someone may have in me that runs my life without me thinking about it much by minimizing contact with others as much as possible.
Decreasing irrational fears of making a mistake, guilt, and/or the feeling of letting others down is what I really need to change for myself, but I do not think it is something I can accomplish in this lifetime after the conditioned response in childhood.
I will attempt try to end on a positive.
When I was growing up, I made a commitment to myself to never raise and/or treat my "daughter" the way my father did me.
At the time of this decision around age 6 (*as much as a six year old kid could process*), the Cat's in the Cradle was a popular song around 1974. It talked about how the son wanted to be like his father even though his father never had time for him. When the son grew up, the roles reversed and the son did not have time for his father. I knew then that I would never do my "daughter" the same way that my father did to me for the above conditioned response(s).
Maybe achieving this goal for my daughter and breaking the cycle is enough to make up for me not overcoming my fear of guilt, disappointment, etc.
For the younger people who might be parents someday, here is an updated version of the song that has a really powerful meaning for a trap to not fall into as a parent in my honest opinion:
[video=youtube]
There are a lot of good posts on ALLf and I attempt to keep the posts in mind and utilize the information as different situations permits it; and today, it was one of those times.
From the parking garage to the office, I was talking to "Shannon." As we got on a capacity filled elevator, I mentioned to her that I would make her day start off miserable in a joking manner. As I was getting off the elevator, I said WVU and was trying to bring up my elbow up like in a nudge, nudge gesture while acting like my WVU jacket was going to touch her. (She is a huge fan of an in-state rival for college football and would be considered almost "sacrilege" for my team colors to touch her.)
Instead, because the elevator was packed, I actually nudge her by accident a little to hard even though I did not mean to touch her and started laughing (at the perceived joke which would have been good if I had not touched her with my elbow.) (We worked on the same floor for about eight years and now she works on another floor.)
All day long and even now I have felt bad about it because I made a mistake and worried that I may have hurt her feelings and/or by accident invaded her personal space.
But, why did it bother me so much and why did I think about it all day?
The reason is that my father was a perfectionist; and if I made one tiny mistake and/or did not do something in HIS perfect order, he would scream, throw me up against the wall, pin me down, or other things. Therefore, I have huge conditioned response for anytime that I make a mistake from childhood.
How does this effect my "lonely life?"
Well, it is simple. While I already have a good nature about myself with others, worry about people's feelings all the time, and always worrying about making mistakes, I actually create an environment that minimizes mistakes. Therefore, I do not utilize the skills that I actually have to mingle with others because I am to worried about making a mistake - even the smallest of mistakes.
Therefore, this is why I really agree with EWF comment about (cited below): I'd like to be less sensitive to things people say to me. I'd like to be able to just not give a crap what anyone says. On the other side of that coin, I'd like to be able to tell people to piss off when they hurt my feelings and not feel any guilt about having done so. Im tired of always apologizing for what I feel.
It is the feeling of guilt and/or disappointment someone may have in me that runs my life without me thinking about it much by minimizing contact with others as much as possible.
Decreasing irrational fears of making a mistake, guilt, and/or the feeling of letting others down is what I really need to change for myself, but I do not think it is something I can accomplish in this lifetime after the conditioned response in childhood.
I will attempt try to end on a positive.
When I was growing up, I made a commitment to myself to never raise and/or treat my "daughter" the way my father did me.
At the time of this decision around age 6 (*as much as a six year old kid could process*), the Cat's in the Cradle was a popular song around 1974. It talked about how the son wanted to be like his father even though his father never had time for him. When the son grew up, the roles reversed and the son did not have time for his father. I knew then that I would never do my "daughter" the same way that my father did to me for the above conditioned response(s).
Maybe achieving this goal for my daughter and breaking the cycle is enough to make up for me not overcoming my fear of guilt, disappointment, etc.
For the younger people who might be parents someday, here is an updated version of the song that has a really powerful meaning for a trap to not fall into as a parent in my honest opinion:
[video=youtube]
Bones said:
Nolife Princess
Well-known member
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Excellent band to make the point! LOOOVE it!!
And believe it or not, I too am horribly sensitive... I play it off with my idiocy... just makes it easier ...
And believe it or not, I too am horribly sensitive... I play it off with my idiocy... just makes it easier ...
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
I didn't realize how many people have the same issue (being too sensitive to things people say to them). Perhaps someone should make a thread about this so we don't fill up this thread with off topic stuff. lol, someone feel free to make one.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
- More muscles
- More intelligence
- Actually have something I was good at, have a knack for something, especially something considered interesting and/or something that makes a lot of money
- More imagination
- Instinctive knowledge of the "right" things to say to make a good/attractive impression
- More stories, topics/conversation pieces, more to talk about that made me seem interesting to others.
Basically I'd change almost everything. I feel like I came off the assembly line with no advantages, nothing. Most of my life I've felt like a lemon of a person, or not a lemon but a bad, underpowered design in the first place, where I'm not broken, everything is working right, it's just not very good. As a kid I was able to escape those feelings with toys and fandoms, and took comfort in the knowledge that I had the rest of my life ahead of me to figure it out, to just randomly "get it" someday, or for me to get a lucky break like most people seem to. But it's been a long time since those things worked.
- More intelligence
- Actually have something I was good at, have a knack for something, especially something considered interesting and/or something that makes a lot of money
- More imagination
- Instinctive knowledge of the "right" things to say to make a good/attractive impression
- More stories, topics/conversation pieces, more to talk about that made me seem interesting to others.
Basically I'd change almost everything. I feel like I came off the assembly line with no advantages, nothing. Most of my life I've felt like a lemon of a person, or not a lemon but a bad, underpowered design in the first place, where I'm not broken, everything is working right, it's just not very good. As a kid I was able to escape those feelings with toys and fandoms, and took comfort in the knowledge that I had the rest of my life ahead of me to figure it out, to just randomly "get it" someday, or for me to get a lucky break like most people seem to. But it's been a long time since those things worked.
Abstamyous
Well-known member
I wish I didn't feel so low at the end of the day.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
AmyTheTemperamental said:
Has anything happened to make you extra tired or stressed lately?
I know that at least part of how I've been feeling is because my sleep schedule hasn't been very good. It's something I need to work on. I stayed up til about 4am the last two nights for no real reason, then had to wake up at 9 am in the morning. So that's part of it for me.
Abstamyous
Well-known member
TheSkaFish said:
It's just...quiet. Lol
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