I'm so lost.

[Jack _]

I used to be happy, once upon a time. I never used to worry, had a carefree attitude towards life, and did just about everything with a smile on my face. I made a promise to myself that i'd always try to make the best of things, no matter what. I never really strived to be the best at anything, or cared if I was. I held the belief that if I was happy, then thats all that mattered. It was all pretty simple back then. Uncomplicated. But I was fighting things I didn't know.

I get so upset when I think about the way I used to be and the way I am now. I underestimated life and how truly unforgiving it can be. It's left me not even a shadow of what I was before. I just feel empty, with no one and nothing. I feel like a worthless piece of honeysuckle who's of no use to anyone. And the worst part is I feel like I deserve it. Like I only have myself to blame for everything that's happened to me and everyone i've pushed away. Life has kicked me about so hard that i've lost sight of the person I used to be, and the things I believed in.

I just have no idea who I am. Or if I ever did.

 

[Baka]

I used to be happy, once upon a time. I never used to worry, had a carefree attitude towards life, and did just about everything with a smile on my face. I made a promise to myself that i'd always try to make the best of things, no matter what. I never really strived to be the best at anything, or cared if I was. I held the belief that if I was happy, then thats all that mattered. It was all pretty simple back then. Uncomplicated. But I was fighting things I didn't know.

I get so upset when I think about the way I used to be and the way I am now. I underestimated life and how truly unforgiving it can be. It's left me not even a shadow of what I was before. I just feel empty, with no one and nothing. I feel like a worthless piece of honeysuckle who's of no use to anyone. And the worst part is I feel like I deserve it. Like I only have myself to blame for everything that's happened to me and everyone i've pushed away. Life has kicked me about so hard that i've lost sight of the person I used to be, and the things I believed in.

I just have no idea who I am. Or if I ever did.

I feel the same, although I was never quite as sparkly as you were in the beginning. I can live with being different and not being a "social butterfly", that's fine. The problem is that lately I've been feeling increasingly hopeless and worthless.

I know who I am, but I don't really know what to do with that. I think I desire recognition from someone, who truly knows who I am and likes me for it. It's been ages since I've had friends and even back then I think they liked a "fake" version of me, the one they wanted to see.

Good post btw, I enjoyed reading it (I hope that's the correct thing to say).

 

[Jack _]

Thanks for replying.

I can relate to your desire for recognition. I can't say that I ever cared about being popular, because I didnt... it's just, I miss simply being acknowledged by people. I used to feel relevant, as if I was a part of something, and meant for bigger things. Now I just feel like a ghost. I've had too many people turn their backs on me, and I feel so small now in this world that I think would anyone actually notice if I was gone? Would anyone care?

I don't know.

 

[Alienated]

I couldn't have said it better Jack, I know exactly how you feel. And what's really funny is allot of others do to.

You also said : " I think would anyone actually notice if I was gone? Would anyone care?

Well my whole family is dead, I have no relatives, no friends, no job, and lived in isolation for 7 years. My family has a family plot 750 miles away, and if I died ?? No one on the Planet to see I am even buried with them. I have No heirs, and can't get 1 person to even have a cup of coffee with me...

And to top it all off... Watch someone reply calling me a liar, and not give a **** my family is dead !! Just watch !!

 

[Darkness]

I feel the same way Jack. I to use to be super happy, but over time the Darkness slowly took over.

 

[Garbageman]

Hey Jack,
Hang in there, no one in my opinion deserves to feel that way. I don't know why things changed in your life. Sometimes I think things in life sometimes hide and collect and eventually they surface and we must find a way to work through them. Keep searching for answers, and don't give up. I know it is much easier to say than to do.

It really does suck when people turn their back on you, and I wouldn't ever stop reaching out to other people, sure some may reject you, but keep reaching, while at the same time trying to find a way to pick yourself up, maybe you can find a way on your own...

I have always tried to look at it that when it seems everyone is turning their backs on me, and no one seems to care at all about me, it is a good time to really work on myself, and focus on me, really try to reflect and look into how I can better myself. The self confidence you can gain when you are able to even work through small things on your own can go a long way.

You never know what your future holds, so keep hanging in there, and don't give up. Its sounds like you had happiness before, and it may just take time to get back to that, or to something better. I wish you the best, take care.

 

[ayuchii]

The odd thing , as some1 above said , Its that there is so many of us out there already .
I also find myself in the posts above . I used to be part of something . I used to hang out , have habits with people that i was close to .
Now i wonder ,if i didn't die a while back ? Its like time stooped for me , im in the past , the current me is just a ghost of the past . A depressing ghost. I was sociable , not popular but i liked people , to hang out and talk . Now i find it hard even if some1 suddenly says hello to me on the street. If happens so rarely , but when it does i froze . Where did the chatty me go ?
Work , i cant find a job for 5 years , had people reject me before even interview started , just by looking at me .
Im not fat , im not short , im not ugly , so why does that happen ? its like i have an aura that repels people.

Its been so long since i had a person to talk to, i grown weary of it to the point i dont even want to talk to people . I hate myself for this.
When you are denied something for so long , you tend to develop a hatred for it . As an excuse to not want it anymore.