Incompatible...

[Millarca]

I've been with my fiance for two years, and ... I'm not sure why. We have so many issues.

I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed (and looking for work) for over five months now. Thus, we rely on his very small income. I commit the unemployment benefits I receive, which is a fourth of what I need, to my own bills (not our joint bills). It has been a great source of stress for me. I have taken care of myself for a long time, and to be thrust into this situation is hard. I now rely on someone else for food and for entertainment.

I think because he is the breadwinner, he feels entitled to some of the behaviors that annoy me. For instance, he works a normal 8-5 job. During lunchtime, he may come home. He doesn't spend it with me; he gets on the computer. Then, after work, he gets on the computer and spends all his time there until I go to bed. When he hears me leaving the living room to go to bed, he follows me to the bedroom to, I guess, "make an appearance" or to see if I'm angry. Yesterday, he took a break to watch a show with me. As soon as it was over, he was back in the computer room and I was, again, by myself.

He says we don't need to spend all of our time together. But... I'm wondering what time we actually do spend together. He's always on that damned computer. All day, it is me and Toby (our dog). That's it. I have no friends, so when I say "that's it," I truly mean it.

Secondly, he is probably the most unambitious person I have ever met. He's not had a car the entire time I've been with him. In fact, it sits dead in front of our "home." But it's frustrating when he buys a graphics card or a $700 camera because that money, in my opinion, would have been better spent on repairing the car. We use my car solely, and to me, it's embarrassing that I am with someone who has not even enough pride to, not GET a car, but to simply repair the one he has. But, I guess, why repair it when he can drive my car? You're 30 years old! Why do I have to tell you, an adult, to be an adult? "Don't buy that camera! Fix the car!" That's so silly. That's a conversation a mother has with her teenaged child.

I'm very into education and progress. I have a bachelor's degree and was in law school for a year (until I decided I didn't want to take on loads of debt in mere HOPES of landing a job in a market saturated with lawyers). I'm very much into politics, and I like for my mind to be stimulated. He, on the other hand, stopped at high school and has NO ambition for the future. Well, I should correct that; he has ambitions, but I consider them to be get-rich-quick ones, such as getting girls on webcam and taking a percentage of their earnings.

Third, he ALWAYS has something to say about my cooking or my cleaning. That may seem little, but... I have depression and have had it for years. It takes very much for me to do ANYTHING, but I try because ... I try not to let it overwhelm me. So I get up and do little things around the house, especially to contribute because I can't do so financially. "The pizza is a little hard" or "This has a weird taste" or "We (but what he really means is "you") need to start putting the tissue on the roller." I'm always being measured against his mom, whom I can't stand. Basically, he attacks my womanhood constantly. I try so hard, and nothing is ever good enough.

Finally, I cannot be sexually intimate with him. I have lost so much respect for him. How can I respect someone who has a dead car, works for his parent who do not respect him or offer him good pay or benefits and who sits on the computer all day? I recoil when he touches me. Why would he think he could come in bed and spoon me, after he just spent his entire evening on the computer and not with me?

The good? He got me a puppy last year, who is now the love of my life.

I don't want to leave. I want to feel the way I felt when I first met him. Yet, I have talked with him so much that I have decided I will not initiate a conversation about these things again. I'm done talking. But... I feel... like I don't want to leave. I have no one and nowhere else. Plus, I do love him; I'm just disappointed in him.

Any advice?

I appreciate all of it, and I'm sorry for the long, long post.

 

[perfanoff]

Hey Mill, welcome

I'm sympathetic to your situation. It resembles my mother's story.

If the guy buys a video card that costs any amount of meaningful money, that means he loves playing video games. Is it some internet game? These tend to consume people's minds. If you have some time to spend and play it with him, it can help you connect again.

And if all else fails, when you get a job, you may hurt his ego as the sole breadwinner.. and that may wake him up. Meanwhile, if you're interested in arguing politics, drop me a line.

 

[Limlim]

I'd say something, but I'm pretty sure I've spent more money on my computer than my car. I drive a 2000 Grand Am, which I take care of and works but is nowhere near my awesome rig of a computer that I kiss before I go to bed every night.

How necessarry is the car in the area you live in? I didn't buy a car until I was 25 because I lived in an area where mass transit was a lot more practical, after I moved to a small town I pretty much needed one to get anywhere.

I've got a bit of a pet peeve about people with degrees who look down on those who do not have them though. Sorry to say you're not getting any sympathy from me there.

 

[perfanoff]

The question is, are two Bachelor degrees worth more than a Master's? Ph.D.?

How about: Associate and Ph.D, or a B.A and a Master's?

 

[Okiedokes]

You can love someone even if they treat you like shat. It sounds to me that you do love him but... it's really gone downhill and you are two different people living two separate lives.

I can understand not wanting to be alone..but sit back and really think about it.. aren't you feeling that loneliness already? It might be slightly worse at first if you left but.. it might be worth it later. So you two have talked about this? Communication is key in every relationship. Without it.. you never know where things stand.. especially if it's been weeks, months, years..

 

[Millarca]

Hey Mill, welcome

I'm sympathetic to your situation. It resembles my mother's story.

If the guy buys a video card that costs any amount of meaningful money, that means he loves playing video games. Is it some internet game? These tend to consume people's minds. If you have some time to spend and play it with him, it can help you connect again.

And if all else fails, when you get a job, you may hurt his ego as the sole breadwinner.. and that may wake him up. Meanwhile, if you're interested in arguing politics, drop me a line.

Yes, he LOVES those video games. I really don't think I can get into video games. I did start playing a game with him, but that's only because I can dress my avatar. LOL. Sad but true. Other games - like ones with wizards and stuff - I just can't get into. But I have tried! I promise, lol.

That's what I'd like to happen - for me to get a job and feel less useless again. Then, I think it will help him regard me the same way - more productive and less useful. I feel so guilty that I can't contribute financially, and I also feel guilty feeling the way I feel because he DOES pay everything. I appreciate that, so I find myself berating my feelings often. It's confusing.

I WILL drop you a line from time to time and harass you about

---

I'd say something, but I'm pretty sure I've spent more money on my computer than my car. I drive a 2000 Grand Am, which I take care of and works but is nowhere near my awesome rig of a computer that I kiss before I go to bed every night.

Step away from that computer, damnit! LOL.

How necessarry is the car in the area you live in? I didn't buy a car until I was 25 because I lived in an area where mass transit was a lot more practical, after I moved to a small town I pretty much needed one to get anywhere.

Yes, we are in a small town. We can walk to the local Dollar General, but that's about it! So we need our car. And it's frustrating to be the only one in the relationship with a car when we are both supposedly responsible adults. Again, it's not so much that I want him to have a car; it's that he HAS a car but refuses to get it fixed. Who DOES that? I suppose it may sound materialistic, but to me, it's hard to see a 30-year-old man place more importance on hobbies than on practical things. It's simply not responsible to me.

I've got a bit of a pet peeve about people with degrees who look down on those who do not have them though. Sorry to say you're not getting any sympathy from me there.

I don't look down on him, and I don't look down on people without degrees. Why would I? It's not necessary. I mentioned his and my education to highlight one difference between us. It only bothers me because he's doing NOTHING and cares to do nothing. He doesn't have to get something more than a high school degree, but I wish he had SOME ambition. That could be going back to school, sure. But it could also be even just LOOKING for a better job. Or seriously thinking about what he'd like to do for the rest of his life.

 

[Millarca]

You can love someone even if they treat you like shat. It sounds to me that you do love him but... it's really gone downhill and you are two different people living two separate lives.

I can understand not wanting to be alone..but sit back and really think about it.. aren't you feeling that loneliness already? It might be slightly worse at first if you left but.. it might be worth it later. So you two have talked about this? Communication is key in every relationship. Without it.. you never know where things stand.. especially if it's been weeks, months, years..

We have talked, and that's why I'm out of words. I feel like I've talked SO much about it that I just can't talk about it anymore. If he hasn't addressed these issues in two years, he won't. So I just have to decide whether or not I want to live and be with someone who is lazy, unambitious and occasionally patronizing.

I feel so... confused. He's been with me for two years. He was really there for me when the guy before me crushed me. I'm talking "sent me to therapy" crushed. He was there. He's supported me while I've been unemployed. He didn't have to. I mean, there is some love, him for me and me for him. But I just wonder if I can live with the differences, y'know?

I think the last time we talked about my concerns was probably two months ago. I just find it hard to talk. If I don't, I'm miserable. If I do, he blows up and says "Fine! I'll never use the computer again" or "I don't need you to tell me to fix my car. I know I need to." So I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.



Also, thank you all for your responses!

 

[Barbaloot]

Sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, no matter how much you want to have them in your life, they just simply aren't right for you. To me, as I read how you described him, all I could wonder is why you're with him? From what you described, he doesn't sound mature enough to be in an adult relationship. He sounds like a selfish, spoiled child.

Sometimes you can just never get back to how things used to be. People's expectations for their partners and their lives change. And then sometimes you just see people for what they really are.

Can you really imagine spending the rest of your life like this?
I realize your life choices are constrained by both your financial and social situation, but there really is a lot more out there. Your situation can get better, but can you be the person you want to be, or live the life you want to have, when you are with someone who makes you feel the way he does and promises the kind of future he does?

You not having a job shouldn't make him regard you any differently if he were worth being with. A person worth being in a relationship with will love you, value you and honor you regardless of your circumstances. They will not tear you down, they will not make you feel the way you seem to be feeling. You do not owe them your unhappiness because they pay the bills.

Finally, I don't think it makes you materialistic for expecting a 30 year old man to have the sense of responsibility of an adult. And I don't think there is anything wrong for a person with an education to expect either education or ambition from their partner... personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I have no interest in unambitious people, and I could never have been in a relationship with someone who wasn't highly educated. It's not looking down on them, it's just simply expecting someone to be on the same (or similar) footing as you - and to be able to have an informed conversation with them about things that interest you.

I just think you're with the wrong person. :\

 

[IgnoredOne]

He's a loser. Ditch him after you take whatever he has and sell it. It's worth it for the time you've wasted on him.

 

[Limlim]

Finally, I don't think it makes you materialistic for expecting a 30 year old man to have the sense of responsibility of an adult. And I don't think there is anything wrong for a person with an education to expect either education or ambition from their partner... personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I have no interest in unambitious people, and I could never have been in a relationship with someone who wasn't highly educated. It's not looking down on them, it's just simply expecting someone to be on the same (or similar) footing as you - and to be able to have an informed conversation with them about things that interest you.

I just think you're with the wrong person. :\

Having had this conversation with you before Barb, I know that when you say this you're specifically saying with regard to a major that you both took. An anthropology major isn't going to have much to talk about with an Electrical Engineer education wise

That said it still kinda irks me that it seems that someone is on higher footing due to this? What does that mean? I know it shouldn't bug me as much as it does, but I've been on both sides of a relationship where the other party has thought be better or worse than me due to having more or less education than them. Either way I ended up hating them for it.

Anyhow sorry to derail the thread like that.

 

[Millarca]

He's a loser. Ditch him after you take whatever he has and sell it. It's worth it for the time you've wasted on him.

I've read this several times, and it's made me laugh every time.

 

[Kat]

There is a huge lack of communication in this relationship. He could change his ways and you have to work together on this. It sort of sounds like things have settled in a little bit, maybe he's gotten more comfortable, maybe your depression worsened from being unemployed and is leading to more troubles.

Is it an option for you to stay with a relative for a while? Maybe feeling like you have some freedom would give you both a little clarity.

Ultimately you need to communicate these things. Use "I" statements..

 

[Lonesome Crow]

My fiancee has the same issues with me.lol
She hates it when I get on line and on this site. And when she's angery at me she dosnt
want me to touch her.

She also knows I need to use the net. She's trying very, very hard to put up with my honeysuckle...
yet give me room and space to over come my addiction.
Im trying very very hard to not get on the PC as much as I used too.
She vioce her opinions many times...As long as I dont live in denial of it..She's more understanding.
Im not saying ...she didnt think I was a gardenia at the time.lol
She has a great since of humor too....She told me. The PC wont give me hugs and kisses.
And of course...when she's pissed off at me...and i try to snggle with her.
She'll say " Well...well your PC isnt going to keep you warn is it?....SEX?????....hahahhaaa"

She also has own set of addictions..It drives me freaken nutz when she's in her addictions.
Ive vioce my feelings about it. She's will awear of her addictions.
She's trying very very hard too...She's doing much better...but that donsnt always
mean she wont relapsed here and there...She dose...
As Im still using the net more than I should.lol

The less I bring it up...the more she tries to adjust and change her behaviors.
Example..she kindda relasped today. We got into it again...same old arguments..
becuase it's the same old addict behaviors moves. So there's no piont communicating
during those times...But i let her know whats up.lol
She flipped me off....hahahaaaa

She say she was very sorry. She's trying very very hard to
fight her addiction. She's not perfect...She making progress.

The entire time I was telling myself...
I didnt cuased it. (her addictions)
I cant fight it...
I cant cure it....

Letting go of everything...

She just wanted me to hold her, Love her , not judge her....

Our communicatons isnt always the best...It's getting her.
Emotions and tenssion are high sometimes.
I love her very much...As she loves me.

I do all our cooking and kicthen duties at the moment.
Im not the greatest cook in the world...but Reane dosnt complain about my cooking...
She dose all our luandry and she's sorting though her belongings at the moment,..it's a slow process..but she doing it at her own pace.
Our homes isnt always as clean as it should be...but we help each other clean house.

Maybe find a common goal you both can work on....it'll help in your bonding.
Renae and I do buttheads...She dose things a certain way and can be very bossy at times...
It a learning process for the both of us to compremize...
Sometimes there's shuting...but it's all part of the communications.
Sometimes I just let her do it her way...until she fucks up.lol ....visa versa.

Our sex lives is actually very healthy...We have sex lots.
Renae hasnt used sex againt me yet...

 

[EveWasFramed]

I havent seen anyone as this yet (and sorry if they have and I didnt see it) but....

Is he pretty much into the same things now as he was when you got together?

 

[IgnoredOne]

He's a loser. Ditch him after you take whatever he has and sell it. It's worth it for the time you've wasted on him.

I've read this several times, and it's made me laugh every time.

Its effective.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Something I learned from my previous relationship: Exit when you're feeling unhappy and the SO does not wish to change for the better or for the good of the both of you.

He is too selfish. When 2 people get into a relationship, it's no longer "me me me". There should be a balance of "us" time and "me" time. But he clearly is making it "me" time for him almost all the time. He is not considerate of how it's making you feel. He doesn't seem to put in the effort. And if you've talked to him about this issue before and he doesn't do anything about it, I think you know what you should do. But I know, sometimes you do things for the sake of love. You love someone and you stay with them. That's what I did with my ex, and what did I get? Physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I overlooked it all for so long because I loved him.

So you gotta think again. Does loving someone mean it all if you're so unhappy? This is your life, your future. If he's gonna be selfish about his. You ought to be selfish of yours and take care of you. You need to be happy. There is more to life.. than staying unhappy for the sake of loving someone who just doesn't care about you.

Of course, it's a different story altogether if he tries to make an effort after you've discussed this with him. Communication is very important.

On another note, kind of makes me wonder if he got you the puppy to keep you company so he can do his own thing.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Part of why I'm harsh: I work two jobs, with at least two significant profitmaking side projects while still trying to be a professional, competitive gamer and yet study to add to my skillset. I don't give a lot of patience for guys who don't do jack honeysuckle with their lives.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Part of why I'm harsh: I work two jobs, with at least two significant profitmaking side projects while still trying to be a professional, competitive gamer and yet study to add to my skillset. I don't give a lot of patience for guys who don't do jack honeysuckle with their lives.

You'e harsh becuase you're just harsh N all backup.
You dont need to make fucken excuses,...

WTF????
Errr..her fiance just gose to work and play games...Dude

When he wants a piece of ass he wants a peice of ass.
Nothing she dose is good enough of him.
It's all about him...him...him
It's classic addicts behaviors....

Very impressive...man


Workalholic is also an addiction...lots of people live in denial of it.
Your living on TILT...man

 

[IgnoredOne]

Part of why I'm harsh: I work two jobs, with at least two significant profitmaking side projects while still trying to be a professional, competitive gamer and yet study to add to my skillset. I don't give a lot of patience for guys who don't do jack honeysuckle with their lives.

You'e harsh becuase you're just harsh N all backup.
You dont need to make fucken excuses,...

WTF????
Errr..her fiance just gose to work and play games...Dude

When he wants a piece of ass he wants a peice of ass.
Nothing she dose is good enough of him.
It's all about him...him...him
It's classic addicts behaviors....

Very impressive...man


Workalholic is also an addiction...lots of people live in denial of it.
Your living on TILT...man

Dude, you're a failure of a father, a husband, literally retarded and pimp out your own daughters. You amuse me with your babble and as an example of human trash, but make no mistake about what you are.

 

[Barbaloot]

Finally, I don't think it makes you materialistic for expecting a 30 year old man to have the sense of responsibility of an adult. And I don't think there is anything wrong for a person with an education to expect either education or ambition from their partner... personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I have no interest in unambitious people, and I could never have been in a relationship with someone who wasn't highly educated. It's not looking down on them, it's just simply expecting someone to be on the same (or similar) footing as you - and to be able to have an informed conversation with them about things that interest you.

I just think you're with the wrong person. :\

Having had this conversation with you before Barb, I know that when you say this you're specifically saying with regard to a major that you both took. An anthropology major isn't going to have much to talk about with an Electrical Engineer education wise

That said it still kinda irks me that it seems that someone is on higher footing due to this? What does that mean? I know it shouldn't bug me as much as it does, but I've been on both sides of a relationship where the other party has thought be better or worse than me due to having more or less education than them. Either way I ended up hating them for it.

Anyhow sorry to derail the thread like that.

Thread de-railer. :club:

No, it is not just about major, but shared fields of knowledge and areas of interest are important to me, and not everyone who shares that with me has the same major. It is also an issue of values.
And to me, equal footing does not mean higher footing. It means that someone with an equal level of knowledge/desire for knowledge to your own is often more suited for you than someone vastly different in either direction. Some people do think of education in terms of class/status, but I cannot help those people.

Stop being so insecure about it. I'm not sure why you care so much about some people's preferences for an educated partner - if you don't want a woman like that, don't date one.