Insignificant

[annik]

I sometimes wonder whether every single person in my life will eventually forget about me. I don't seem to have any staying power with people at all. I tried so hard to stay in touch with all my friends from high school when I dropped out of 6th form but one by one they all drifted away.

I haven't been to a family gathering in years either. I sometimes wonder what's said about my absence. It must seem weird I'm not there and it sometimes feels like I'm not part of the family anymore and tend to hear everyone's news in a second hand way. I can't really complain about this too much as it was my "decision" to stop going but never once has anyone checked in with me, so to speak. I also couldn't face going back to them now. All those questions of where was I working or about relationships.

It's been the same with every boyfriend I've ever had. Its seems to take one nanosecond to get over me. No one has ever seemed sad to loose me or wanted back because they missed me. I don't know but in a twisted way at the back of my mind I always thought break ups would be easier if I just didn't feel so instantly forgotten and in many cases replaced.

I just don't think I have much of an effect on peoples lives I guess.

I just never feel missed at all...

 

[silver birch leaves]

[I'm sorry, I replied to the wrong thread. Stupid me again]

 

[Badjedidude]

A lot of people simply don't stop to think that they need to tell those in their lives how important they are.

I frequently forget to do this.

...maybe it's just that the people in your life aren't stopping to consider what it's like without you around. As far as boyfriends, it could be that they choose to look forward rather than looking back.

*shrug*

 

[annik]

...

 

[paulo]

would it help if i took some time to think about you a little every day ??
or is that just creepy
my brain wont let me forget a lot so i can promise you will be remembered

 

[thalassa]

I just want to tell you that I can relate to every single thing you wrote; feeling forgettable, disposable and insignificant to others has been a part of my being for my whole life it seems.

Family/friends/boyfriends - can we really choose them? The first we obviousbly cannot, and in my case I didn't get a very good one at all. It's lonely to live without a family, but I don't worry about this part to much because I don't like many of the people in it (of course this is me and my situation).

The friends coming and going - I have always felt like it was something about me, but I have noticed that they were mostly shallow or cruel in hindsight. For some reason I got drawn to the wrong types who don't invest in the friendship in a meaningful way. I haven't started looking for new ones yet, but I will try to apply this knowledge to find people who will stick by me instead of just sparkling my interest for a while.

Boyfriends... yes, this has really hurt me too. In my case, it seemed they were extremely happy once they left me. Or if I had a love interest that they always were obsessed with someone else. I must admit that drove me crazy because I felt so inadequate and worthless. In my case I had an extreme relationship addiction and kept trying to fill a massive void by being together with them so it really messed me up when I wasn't their world or when they didn't seem to mind a break-up. I see I was with people for the wrong reasons (obviously) and that anyone would do, so I usually was with people who had mental issues or the like. This of course was not exactly a formula for a happy and stable connection. So after another one of these horrible experiences, I personally just refrained from seeking out relationships. It seems drastic and it probaby is, but it saved me from further emotional distraught because at the moment I am attracted to the wrong people.

I feel very lonely on a base level, quite numb and indifferent in a way and I wouldn't recommend it as a way to live. To me it is just survival at the moment until I sort myself out. This just removes additional distress and panic from my life.

I'm basically just waiting for my first REAL friends and I hope to create my own family so nothing has to be chosen for me.

I'm sure there is a reason for all of this, and it doesn't have to lie only within you, I hope you can let go of those thought that will only bring you down. If you can, try to turn it around so you can get through this and find people that give you the time of day like you deserve.

 

[beans]

Could this be because you never make your presence felt? How much do you make an effort to be with them? Do you drop by their house just to spend time with them? Do you do anything nice for them? Do you care and help them even when they don't ask?

 

[Bread]

Hell, I can relate to this- except for the boyfriend part, of course. Still, my dates most likely don't remember ol' whats-his-name, I'm guessing. Always felt like an extra in the theatre of life. A bloody NPC, for a modern variant.

Guess it's part my fault, partly due to society where short-term memory seems to be all you need to get by these days. Short-term relationships, jobs, electrical appliances...I gotta admit that I, too, don't really go out on a limb to attach my self to people- experience has taught me that in school, work and general relationships, I'm lucky if they stick around for six months, and can forget about even a cordial nod if we happen to meet in the shopping mall two months later. Plenty of former co-workers who just ignore me.

I've told the few folks in my life how much they mean to me, 'tho. I always understand how easy it is to lose someone without a word of warning, so the least *I* can do, is say how I appreciate the fact that they were there to shed some little light into my life.

 

[annik]

thalassa I really saw myself in a lot of what you are saying and I really appreciate you posting. I too I think was filling a void with my relationships and I always felt like I was putting in a lot more emotionally than the men were. I felt devastated by the breakups and they acted like it was just one of those things. It really hurts. I started to question how healthy I was within a relationship and if I'm going to be brutally honest I scared myself a few times with the ways I reacted to things.

As for my family, I'm not sure how I feel about them as I haven't seen them in so long I don't really know them that well. I don't dislike them but there is a distance that I don't think can be closed easily now.

Could this be because you never make your presence felt? How much do you make an effort to be with them? Do you drop by their house just to spend time with them? Do you do anything nice for them? Do you care and help them even when they don't ask?

Well I'll start with my family. As I said I shyed away from them more because of my issues. I have a very big family and its not really possible to pop round. I mean I don't really blame them they have lives and families but its like I fell off the face of the earth and it just seems a bit depressing that no ones ever thought to call to say hi or have a catch up. Its a bit unsettling when my sister gets cards on her birthday and mine is forgotten to. I guess I'm just off the radar with them.

I tried all I could do to keep in touch with my friends but after so many unturned calls and texts there's not much else you can do.

Same with boyfriends or ex's. Yes I tried to do nice stuff and make them feel cared about but when you hit a brick wall again you have to stop. I mean they all say lets stay friends so you think ok. Trouble is you never stay friends. I mean I sent the last guy a present when I returned his stuff after the breakup and he still ended up treating me like something that got stuck to his shoes when I tried to keep chatting. How long before you just end up looking like a weird stalker.

Generally I'm quiet and I'm insesure and I'm slightly in the background so maybe I don't fill a room with my presence but thats who I am and I don't think I should be so forgettable because of it.

partly due to society where short-term memory seems to be all you need to get by these days. Short-term relationships, jobs, electrical appliances...

I think I have abandonment issues on some level maybe. I lost my best friend at primary school (er she moved schools, I just made it sound like she died...) and to be honest I don't think I ever got over it and never let myself get as close to anyone else. Then at high school I lost all my friends in a lunch break and had to make new ones all over again. I thought we were close though but after I wasn't around everyday it didn't seem like it was worth keeping up with me. As you say everything seems short term and convenience only.

 

[silver birch leaves]

yet significant

 

[Ak5]

Be proactive! Talk to your family, get together! Make other friends and boyfriends, be proactive as always.

That's my bit of advice.

 

[gnome3]

Insignificant am I. I can relate...
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