Invisibility and inherent value

[futurecatlady]

I have a theory that I've come up with in the last few years to try to explain why people treat me the way they do--namely, as though I don't exist. I think most people in the world have "inherent value": they are worth something in other peoples' eyes simply because they exist. They are afforded a base level of attention and consideration by virtue of being a human being.

I lack this inherent value as a person. If I do not constantly exert or emphasize my presence (in other words, if I give in to my natural inclination to be shy) I will not exist to other people. They will not say hello to me if I don't say it first. They will not remember me when it comes time to invite people to things unless I am physically in their vicinity. They will not address me in a group conversation unless I directly ask them a question. Once they are aware of my presence, they treat me with civility, but soon will forget about me again.

I have seen evidence of this time and time again. Most recently, I have a fairly new friend who is very socially awkward. She is painfully shy and though not ugly as I am, she's not particularly beautiful either. She is one of the few I would say is even more socially anxious than me. And yet, people acknowledge her. She avoids them and they actively seek to draw her out. They ask her questions to find out more about her life. When we are in a group and someone makes an observation, they will address it to her. She is, in short, an example of the amount of acknowledgement a typical person would receive if they were to put forth no effort of their own to be social. Not a ton, but enough to hang on to.

I, on the other hand, feel as though I have to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of acknowledgment. I have to aggressively assert my existence or I will disappear. I have been told that I am friendly and normal, and I at least fancy myself not too boring. And yet, I am politely ignored pretty much universally due to this lack of inherent value. I distinctly know the look of someone who glances in my direction and actually SEES me, because this is so rare. It feels awful to be so invisible, and it's exhausting trying so hard to exist.

 

[lifestream]

People generally avoid what makes them uncomfortable, futurecatlady. That includes those of us who aren't immediately open books.

Most times, it's a blessing. A lot of people really aren't that interesting once you get to know them. We can perceive that and we can pick and choose our friends accordingly. It can be extremely discouraging at times, though, especially when you are making an effort to be open and friendly.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello futurecatlady from another mostly invisible lady. The things you have mentioned happen to me as well and I have never understood why.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I'm not sure it's relevant to the original poster but some people give off a vibe. It's a 'don't talk to me, don't come near me' type of vibe. I work in retail, so I serve loads of people every day. Some are friendly and some unfriendly. I can spot this vibe with some customers. It's a mixture of facial expressions and body language. These people I am less likely going to chat with them. I want them out the way quickly.

 

[Sci-Fi]

People generally avoid what makes them uncomfortable, futurecatlady. That includes those of us who aren't immediately open books.

Most times, it's a blessing. A lot of people really aren't that interesting once you get to know them. We can perceive that and we can pick and choose our friends accordingly. It can be extremely discouraging at times, though, especially when you are making an effort to be open and friendly.

I'm not sure it's relevant to the original poster but some people give off a vibe. It's a 'don't talk to me, don't come near me' type of vibe. I work in retail, so I serve loads of people every day. Some are friendly and some unfriendly. I can spot this vibe with some customers. It's a mixture of facial expressions and body language. These people I am less likely going to chat with them. I want them out the way quickly.

These two things. Some people do it without even knowing they do.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Take it from me - you can be visible, and people won't acknowledge you either

 

[SofiasMami]

Well where the heck have you been, futurecatlady?
I was wondering where you went. That's all I really have to say here, although I see now that your thread is about invisibility (I guess you're not as invisible as you think).

-Teresa

 

[futurecatlady]

SofiasMami! Wow, I am so honored that you remember me! Yes, it's been a while. I've lurked now and then but haven't felt compelled to post until now. It really does mean a lot to me that you are still here and remember this old hen.

 

[lonelydoc]

This comes with living in a world of 7+ billion people growing all the time.

People are unimportant, have been for awhile. Nobody gives a **** about anybody else.

But if you listen to the priests, they will tell you there are not enough people and we need even more.

 

[Triple Bogey]

People generally avoid what makes them uncomfortable, futurecatlady. That includes those of us who aren't immediately open books.

Most times, it's a blessing. A lot of people really aren't that interesting once you get to know them. We can perceive that and we can pick and choose our friends accordingly. It can be extremely discouraging at times, though, especially when you are making an effort to be open and friendly.

I'm not sure it's relevant to the original poster but some people give off a vibe. It's a 'don't talk to me, don't come near me' type of vibe. I work in retail, so I serve loads of people every day. Some are friendly and some unfriendly. I can spot this vibe with some customers. It's a mixture of facial expressions and body language. These people I am less likely going to chat with them. I want them out the way quickly.

These two things. Some people do it without even knowing they do.

yes that's true. That's why it's sad because they don't know what they are doing wrong.

 

[Solivagant]

Hello futurecatlady from another mostly invisible lady. The things you have mentioned happen to me as well and I have never understood why.

^ Same here. I have no explanation. =/ The only difference for me is that there are also a lot of people who will go out of their way to be nasty to me, for reasons I also don't understand.

 

[Regumika]

I also agree with the stated "People do it unconsciously." Another point I want to include to perhaps get on the road to solving(?) this issue is "it's easier to see the problem in other people." So, is it possible to pay attention to other people with similar issues? By understanding the cause in other people maybe you can see in yourself what you couldn't see before?

The word "Charisma" came to my mind as I was reading the OP but I don't think it fits 100%. Another phrase that came to me is "first impression."

 

[futurecatlady]

I've tried to find someone else like me. But over time, everyone, no matter how awkward or strange, acquires a presence. I guess I'm primarily thinking about my workplace, which is much more open-minded than the world in general. Oddballs are embraced as unique. However, I am not.

 

[Peaches]

HELLO! Hello! can you see me? can you see me? *waving* oh well (sigh), this is useless, who knows the reasons behind being invisible

 

[Tealeaf]

I've noticed this, too, but I don't know what's behind it. I've spent a decade overcoming social anxiety and working on various aspects of self-improvement only to come up with nothing except the ability to make my instructors laugh and be liked by anxious older women in the office. Most people don't actively do either of those things and still make friends, sometimes a lot of them.

Whether or not to continue is a matter of personal choice. I can spend years trying to make a friend only to have people bolt when they meet me in person after talking online, but it's very easy to cast a line and catch clients. I don't make much, but at least money can keep me warm at night with fresh coffee in the absence of any human warmth. Maybe I'll give up the last of my dignity and get a body pillow, because no human being is ever coming into this bed without being paid or putting a bag over my head.

 

[user 115627]

This all sounds awfully familiar to me...only that I used to call it 'inherent sympathy' instead which separates it from human value itself. Because I still believe it's purely subjective. Some people are simply surrounded by an aura that attracts a broader audience - and others are not. I am not. Nowadays I embrace this invisibility because it keeps the riff-raff at a distance...and I wouldn't want to invest in a losing bargain after all. Occasionally I meet people who claim that I'm interesting or sympathetic, but that's nothing I rate very highly anymore.

 

[shadetree]

I have a theory that I've come up with in the last few years to try to explain why people treat me the way they do--namely, as though I don't exist. I think most people in the world have "inherent value": they are worth something in other peoples' eyes simply because they exist. They are afforded a base level of attention and consideration by virtue of being a human being.

I lack this inherent value as a person. If I do not constantly exert or emphasize my presence (in other words, if I give in to my natural inclination to be shy) I will not exist to other people. They will not say hello to me if I don't say it first. They will not remember me when it comes time to invite people to things unless I am physically in their vicinity. They will not address me in a group conversation unless I directly ask them a question. Once they are aware of my presence, they treat me with civility, but soon will forget about me again.

I have seen evidence of this time and time again. Most recently, I have a fairly new friend who is very socially awkward. She is painfully shy and though not ugly as I am, she's not particularly beautiful either. She is one of the few I would say is even more socially anxious than me. And yet, people acknowledge her. She avoids them and they actively seek to draw her out. They ask her questions to find out more about her life. When we are in a group and someone makes an observation, they will address it to her. She is, in short, an example of the amount of acknowledgement a typical person would receive if they were to put forth no effort of their own to be social. Not a ton, but enough to hang on to.

I, on the other hand, feel as though I have to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of acknowledgment. I have to aggressively assert my existence or I will disappear. I have been told that I am friendly and normal, and I at least fancy myself not too boring. And yet, I am politely ignored pretty much universally due to this lack of inherent value. I distinctly know the look of someone who glances in my direction and actually SEES me, because this is so rare. It feels awful to be so invisible, and it's exhausting trying so hard to exist.

Ive dealt with this my whole life. As a matter of fact i posted a poem up here called invisible that talks about this very thing. http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=33133 Its like the second post down.

So i know what its like to feel like nobody notices you no matter what you do and sometimes that i dont even matter at all. The problem is that a lot of who we are probably 95% is what we believe about ourselves. Its not as simple as that self fulfilling prophecy thing but thats the basic idea. I think what happens is that we believe ourselves a certain way so we react to things on these mistaken beliefs about ourself which further enforces that belief. When we do something and our hearts not completely in it people pick up on that. Low self esteem, anxiousness, automatic negative thoughts that come with anxiety, all these things create an aura of uneasiness around us and people pick up on that because most of communication isnt verbal but physical. How you stand, if you make eye contact, if your postures relaxed. All that stuff is hugely important. And for me it doesnt come naturally but im studying it and learning how to emulate what im supposed to do to appear that way. Its not so much a fake it till you make it as just practice makes perfect. In my case though i have an irrational fear of rejection due to avoidant personality, but thats another story. What you can do though is look on the net and research this and really study it and break it down and realize nothing in life is hopeless or set in stone. Anybody can change who they are into who they want to be but it takes a little faith in yourself and some scientific facts to back up what youre doing. Also on a forum for lonelines and i mean no offense by this but if you think about it its kinda true. Its probably not a good place to look for answers because if the people here had answers we wouldnt all be so lonely, myself included lol.

I know its more complicated than that but hopefully you get what im saying. Heres a guy who talks about this that you might find helpful. http://www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/invisible-why-do-some-people-feel-invisible If you notice too there is as of yet no replies to his post, but it doesnt mean its not been seen by anybody. For example i found it and passed it on to you. So thats a clear example of sometimes you have to really LOOK for whats going on when its not right in front of you. Im the worlds worst about assuming things and it can really make you miserable if you let it. Our minds are our best friend or our worst enemy depending on what we put into them. The brain is basically a giant computer and if we constantly tell it were no good it cant tell the difference between the truth and a lie. Thats where those automatic negative thoughts come in.

Anyway this long drawn out post is just me hoping i can help you not feel bad and not feel so invisible. Look at all the replies you got, thats something right? Everybody in this thread took the time to write their replies and hopefully that helps some.

I hope i didnt put you to sleep with all this and it makes some semblance of sense lol.

 

[futurecatlady]

This all sounds awfully familiar to me...only that I used to call it 'inherent sympathy' instead which separates it from human value itself. Because I still believe it's purely subjective. Some people are simply surrounded by an aura that attracts a broader audience - and others are not. I am not. Nowadays I embrace this invisibility because it keeps the riff-raff at a distance...and I wouldn't want to invest in a losing bargain after all. Occasionally I meet people who claim that I'm interesting or sympathetic, but that's nothing I rate very highly anymore.

I like that term. It's true that the impression I'm getting isn't so much that they are making an active assessment of my value, but rather that they assume I'm not an eligible candidate for conversation or friendship. You know, some people just don't make much of an impression. I'm one of those.

It's also true that this is not all bad. I'm an introvert, and I think it would be stressful if everyone I met paid attention to me and tried to talk to me. At least, that's what my fellow introverts say, and if I were to see past my own envy I think I would agree.

That being said, I very often wonder what it would feel like to be truly present in the world.

 

[user 115627]

I like that term. It's true that the impression I'm getting isn't so much that they are making an active assessment of my value, but rather that they assume I'm not an eligible candidate for conversation or friendship. You know, some people just don't make much of an impression. I'm one of those.

It's also true that this is not all bad. I'm an introvert, and I think it would be stressful if everyone I met paid attention to me and tried to talk to me. At least, that's what my fellow introverts say, and if I were to see past my own envy I think I would agree.

That being said, I very often wonder what it would feel like to be truly present in the world.

That envy has passed after my desperate attempts to surround myself with more people during my last school years. Not only that I found out what I feel like when I'm socially overwhelmed, but also that there's not much enviable there in the first place. What I'm getting at is: Presence is not something I gained among masses but among carefully chosen good company. Where or how to find this company...now this is as much a mystery to me, as it is to you I reckon.

I've met most of my friends by chance and simply by being myself - not by trying to get to know somebody. I don't have any friends at my place either, but I get along well enough the colleagues of my department. And more importantly, I've found better company on the internet since I'm not the kinda guy people hang out with anyway. I just play the hand I was dealt.

 

[Sci-Fi]

HELLO! Hello! can you see me? can you see me? *waving* oh well (sigh), this is useless, who knows the reasons behind being invisible

I see what you did there.

*Waves* HELLO!! Waving over here.