futurecatlady
Well-known member
I have a theory that I've come up with in the last few years to try to explain why people treat me the way they do--namely, as though I don't exist. I think most people in the world have "inherent value": they are worth something in other peoples' eyes simply because they exist. They are afforded a base level of attention and consideration by virtue of being a human being.
I lack this inherent value as a person. If I do not constantly exert or emphasize my presence (in other words, if I give in to my natural inclination to be shy) I will not exist to other people. They will not say hello to me if I don't say it first. They will not remember me when it comes time to invite people to things unless I am physically in their vicinity. They will not address me in a group conversation unless I directly ask them a question. Once they are aware of my presence, they treat me with civility, but soon will forget about me again.
I have seen evidence of this time and time again. Most recently, I have a fairly new friend who is very socially awkward. She is painfully shy and though not ugly as I am, she's not particularly beautiful either. She is one of the few I would say is even more socially anxious than me. And yet, people acknowledge her. She avoids them and they actively seek to draw her out. They ask her questions to find out more about her life. When we are in a group and someone makes an observation, they will address it to her. She is, in short, an example of the amount of acknowledgement a typical person would receive if they were to put forth no effort of their own to be social. Not a ton, but enough to hang on to.
I, on the other hand, feel as though I have to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of acknowledgment. I have to aggressively assert my existence or I will disappear. I have been told that I am friendly and normal, and I at least fancy myself not too boring. And yet, I am politely ignored pretty much universally due to this lack of inherent value. I distinctly know the look of someone who glances in my direction and actually SEES me, because this is so rare. It feels awful to be so invisible, and it's exhausting trying so hard to exist.
I lack this inherent value as a person. If I do not constantly exert or emphasize my presence (in other words, if I give in to my natural inclination to be shy) I will not exist to other people. They will not say hello to me if I don't say it first. They will not remember me when it comes time to invite people to things unless I am physically in their vicinity. They will not address me in a group conversation unless I directly ask them a question. Once they are aware of my presence, they treat me with civility, but soon will forget about me again.
I have seen evidence of this time and time again. Most recently, I have a fairly new friend who is very socially awkward. She is painfully shy and though not ugly as I am, she's not particularly beautiful either. She is one of the few I would say is even more socially anxious than me. And yet, people acknowledge her. She avoids them and they actively seek to draw her out. They ask her questions to find out more about her life. When we are in a group and someone makes an observation, they will address it to her. She is, in short, an example of the amount of acknowledgement a typical person would receive if they were to put forth no effort of their own to be social. Not a ton, but enough to hang on to.
I, on the other hand, feel as though I have to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of acknowledgment. I have to aggressively assert my existence or I will disappear. I have been told that I am friendly and normal, and I at least fancy myself not too boring. And yet, I am politely ignored pretty much universally due to this lack of inherent value. I distinctly know the look of someone who glances in my direction and actually SEES me, because this is so rare. It feels awful to be so invisible, and it's exhausting trying so hard to exist.