For the most part, I'm at peace with my life. It's not what I would have chosen, but I think I'm doing pretty darn good considering what I've got to work with. I've accepted that living with my parents is probably the best thing for me right now, and that I need to focus on my health first and foremost. I've even accepted that I'm gonna have to learn to be alone/lonely, since my parents live in the middle of freaking nowhere and I can't even drive, much less go out in public by myself most of the time. But since this is all, hopefully, temporary and in my best interest I'm OK with it.
Having said that, lately the loneliness part has really started to get to me. Part of it, I know, is because I can't go outside anymore. It's hard to feel lonely when surrounded by living things, and just hearing and watching the birds in the morning was enough to lift my spirits so I could start my day. Right now, thanks to all this heat and humidity, I can barely get out the door before feeling like I'm doing to pass out. I have to spend an inordinate amount of time in my special air-conditioned room. Even the rest of the house is off-limits for me for parts of the day. And it's really starting to get me down. Depression is creeping up on me slowly but surely.
I know my best bet is internet. With my laptop I should be able to form and maintain friendships, as I can use it even when I can't get out of bed. But despite all my effort, I still have problems using it. I have enough technical skill to use forums and chat rooms OK, but it's never a form of communication that seems natural to me, and I think that keeps me from forming anything other than superficial relationships with people I know online. I also have trouble seeing people I meet online as 'real'. It's hard for me to feel close to someone I've never seen. So despite all my efforts, I still have made no friends.
And my 'real' friends are slowly but surely abandoning me. They're not willing to adopt new methods just to be able to stay in touch with me. And while I don't really blame them, it's definitely not helping the depression or loneliness any. Having people you care about start ignoring you/forget about you just doesn't seem to get easier, and it's happened enough by now that I think if it were possible to get used to, I would have.
So.....can someone throw me a little pity party? I think I need it.
Having said that, lately the loneliness part has really started to get to me. Part of it, I know, is because I can't go outside anymore. It's hard to feel lonely when surrounded by living things, and just hearing and watching the birds in the morning was enough to lift my spirits so I could start my day. Right now, thanks to all this heat and humidity, I can barely get out the door before feeling like I'm doing to pass out. I have to spend an inordinate amount of time in my special air-conditioned room. Even the rest of the house is off-limits for me for parts of the day. And it's really starting to get me down. Depression is creeping up on me slowly but surely.
I know my best bet is internet. With my laptop I should be able to form and maintain friendships, as I can use it even when I can't get out of bed. But despite all my effort, I still have problems using it. I have enough technical skill to use forums and chat rooms OK, but it's never a form of communication that seems natural to me, and I think that keeps me from forming anything other than superficial relationships with people I know online. I also have trouble seeing people I meet online as 'real'. It's hard for me to feel close to someone I've never seen. So despite all my efforts, I still have made no friends.
And my 'real' friends are slowly but surely abandoning me. They're not willing to adopt new methods just to be able to stay in touch with me. And while I don't really blame them, it's definitely not helping the depression or loneliness any. Having people you care about start ignoring you/forget about you just doesn't seem to get easier, and it's happened enough by now that I think if it were possible to get used to, I would have.
So.....can someone throw me a little pity party? I think I need it.