It feels like my parents don't want me to have my own life

[bluedolphin92]

They made me feel so guilty for saying I couldn't come home for the 4th of July...Truth is I don't really WANT to go home. I'd rather stay in town and hang out with friends. I even told my parents I was planning in being home for my dad's birthday on the 17th, but my dad just shrugged and said we weren't doing anything for his birthday when I told him that. My mom tells me that it seems like I'm not "making an effort" even though I call them on Skype every week and go home about once every month. What more do they want from me? I'm 21, aren't I supposed to be spending less time at home at this age?

 

[user 115627]

There comes a time in the life of all parents when they notice their child slowly 'detaches' from their life and strives for his or her own. I'm 22 now and I struggle with the same thing, but reached a fragile balance...for now at least. I got an apprenticeship further away from home so I moved to the place where I work. It's just a one hour trip back home, so every second or third weekend I visit my parents and luckily it suffices. During the week I call 2-3 times - "filing my report".

My brother is 30 now and my dad still nags that he doesn't visit that often for there's always some work to do around the house. My brother has a regular job and a girlfriend though. This 'excuse' is not available for me. My parents are also more of the worried kind when it comes down to me, always afraid of me being alone for I have not a single friend or acquaintance where I live now. So when I spend my weekends alone I usually get the kind of questions like "What are you doing there anyway?".

Parents are very different when it comes to "drawing the line" when a child is supposed to move out and build up his or her own existence. Some are quite clingy, others would like to kick their offspring out rather sooner than later. Few of us stay "their child" forever, bound by family duty till the end...

Sometimes they instill guilt - intentional or not - because they realized too late how much they have taken your daily presence for granted.

 

[bluedolphin92]

There comes a time in the life of all parents when they notice their child slowly 'detaches' from their life and strives for his or her own. I'm 22 now and I struggle with the same thing, but reached a fragile balance...for now at least. I got an apprenticeship further away from home so I moved to the place where I work. It's just a one hour trip back home, so every second or third weekend I visit my parents and luckily it suffices. During the week I call 2-3 times - "filing my report".

My brother is 30 now and my dad still nags that he doesn't visit that often for there's always some work to do around the house. My brother has a regular job and a girlfriend though. This 'excuse' is not available for me. My parents are also more of the worried kind when it comes down to me, always afraid of me being alone for I have not a single friend or acquaintance where I live now. So when I spend my weekends alone I usually get the kind of questions like "What are you doing there anyway?".

Parents are very different when it comes to "drawing the line" when a child is supposed to move out and build up his or her own existence. Some are quite clingy, others would like to kick their offspring out rather sooner than later. Few of us stay "their child" forever, bound by family duty till the end...

Sometimes they instill guilt - intentional or not - because they realized too late how much they have taken your daily presence for granted.

I thought I'd reached that balance but lately they seem to be worse than ever with the guilt tripping and clinginess. When I have classes I at least can use homework and extracurriculars as an excuse for not visiting more. This summer I have research assistant work but that doesn't keep me busy all the time. I get the same kinds of questions, and even though I do leave my apartment from time to time just to go to the store, go for a walk, do whatever, they still accuse me of doing nothing but sit around all day.

I don't know if they realize how badly they are guilting me. My mom talks about how upset and depressed they feel not having me around, which in turn makes ME feel upset and feel like a bad daughter.

 

[LonelySutton]

My mom talks about how upset and depressed they feel not having me around, which in turn makes ME feel upset and feel like a bad daughter.

Why don't you talk to them about it and make some agreement where they KNOW you will spend time with them in exchange for them letting you have your life. They probably are just lonely and miss you. But you are right too that you do have to learn to live without them.

Explain to them that you won't grow into a successful adult if they always are around and so you do have to, for your own good, disengage with them. But then maybe make a list of times that you will go out with them for sure. Such as I agreed to do lunch EVERY Saturday. (you don't need to do that but perhaps every holiday and a lunch once a month) and their anxiety will lessen.

Sadly, this only kind of worked for me and my parents... and they kind of nagged me my entire life. I suspect that because I was a girl they thought it was my duty to care for them. Now they have passed away and I never really got to pursue my life fully at the right time. And I am alone and lonely but they got they wanted. Not bitter just a fact.

 

[Crux]

They made me feel so guilty for saying I couldn't come home for the 4th of July...Truth is I don't really WANT to go home. I'd rather stay in town and hang out with friends. I even told my parents I was planning in being home for my dad's birthday on the 17th, but my dad just shrugged and said we weren't doing anything for his birthday when I told him that. My mom tells me that it seems like I'm not "making an effort" even though I call them on Skype every week and go home about once every month. What more do they want from me? I'm 21, aren't I supposed to be spending less time at home at this age?

If you don't want to spend time with them, don't. If the interaction isn't truly going to be mutual, then there's really no point.

There's nothing to be guilty about. You simply didn't want to do something. It would be wrong to force you to.

 

[Zed]

I went through a phase like that with my mother, until she figured out that I had no interest in being a JD and joining the dumb-tough culture.

Nowadays, however, it's bosses who don't want me to have my own life, but that's one reason why I have my sights set on becoming self-employed in about the next 5 months or so. I've gone back to school for this purpose, which in the state of CA means my current employer can't fire me just because he feels like it.

 

[Case]

I don't know if they realize how badly they are guilting me. My mom talks about how upset and depressed they feel not having me around, which in turn makes ME feel upset and feel like a bad daughter.

This is natural for parents. They get depressed at the notion that they cannot have a holiday with you. When adult children leave home, it can be devastating to parents. I am guessing they love you very much, or they wouldn't care to have you come home.

It sounds like you are doing all you can to be there for them, and that is admirable. In time, they will learn to accept you as an adult with your own responsibilities, but it will take some time. You just need to be patient with them.

In a way, I wish I had this problem because I don't have my parents around anymore. I really wish I had one more day with my them just to tell them I loved them. So, do what you can, but carve out a life of your own. If they are sensible, they will understand.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah my parents got like this way too when I told them I was moving out of the house, they know they know that I'm no longer attached to them and that I want to spread my wings. Since than my mother has kinda given me the cold shoulder and won't talk to me as much. However she's giving my younger brother a lot of attention cause he doesn't plan on leaving the house anytime soon and this comforts her. Just remain patient with them, try sitting them down and opening up to them about how it makes you feel.

It may take awhile for them to get used to the idea that you're finally free from home, but overtime they'll come around again. Believe this is a normal reaction for every parents cause my mother is doing it to me and I moved out of the house twice already. Wish I would be able to get along with my mother but as of right now were kinda both bumping heads cause she knows I won't always be sticking around the house and relying on them. This frustrates my mother, so instead she gives me the cold shoulder which is a typical behavior. ~Hugs~ I hope things get better for you with you're parents.