grundel70
Well-known member
Some of you guys may remember me. Or perhaps I give myself too much credit? I do see some familiar names floating around here...
I just wanted to drop in and say hi to some of the many folks I have met here, and to those future friends that I have yet to identify with!
I think it has been almost 8 months since I last posted here. I beleive I posted something like 'whoa is me, no one likes me, no one listens to me, bla bla bla...'. Looking back at that I can see exactly why I was the way that I was then...
I remember coming here because I was lonely. (imagine that). I figured that no one liked me, no one would value anything I had to say, I was unloveable, etc... I posted depressing poems about darkness, despair, unrealized love, etc... Man, how things have changed...
Last year I had a heart attack. It nearly killed me, but I survived it and now I am alot healthier. While I was in the hospital I developed a blod clot in my leg. The pain was excrutiating. Then came the pain killers. Lots of pain killers. Lots of em. The Dr was very generous...to say the least...with his despensing of narcotic prescriptions.
Then came the addiction.
The pain left...as pain often does...and here I am, popping oxycontin after oxycontin. evry day, every night. By the handfull. I was not trying to get high, mind you (although I was definitely out of sorts with myself for quite sometime), but I was merely trying to feel normal. I was trying not to get sick. If anyone has ever experienced opiate withdrawal, then you will forever have my sympathy. It is a horrible, horrible thing.
No matter what I tried, I could not get off the meds. My Dr tried to ween me off...to no avail. I just kept getting sick, and then I would lie to him about how much pain I was in so I could get some more and not have to face the horrors of withdrawal again. The cycle kept repeating itself. I was getting trapped, and then I started thinking (and doing) some dishonest things that I will not mention here so that I could stay one step ahead of the sickness... The cycle had to end.
I entered a rehab facility to get detoxed off of that horrible drug. It took almost a month and a half to fully get me healthy (and clear minded) again.
Through all of this I learned so much about myself. I learned that my loneliness was really self imposed. I had so many people out there that cared about me, I just ignored them and went on feeling sorry about myself. But when the fog was lifted I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for me. I met so many good people when I was in treatment that I still talk to today almost daily. While I was away an uncle of mine that I had not seen or heard from for 20 years had tracked me down on facebook. All this time I thought my family had abandoned me since my dad died 20 years ago. The truth of it, however, was that they had been trying to find me for years. I just chose to remain hidden and beat myself up with all of the self loathing and self pity I could muster.
At the time it felt right...beating myself up that is. It felt normal. I liked to feel sorry for myself. So much so that I always told people who gave me constructive criticism that it didn't work..even though I hardly tried it. I told the world that I had no friends, yet there were so many good people that I had ignored. I told myself no one liked me, but yet when I went out into the world during my recovery I found that people really did like me! When I worked up the courage to speak to someone, they spoke back. They respected me for my honesty, and loved me despite my faults. I found love in the things we shared in common, and interest in those things that I did not know. Of course I found lots of people that I did not care for, or who did not care for me...but I found plenty that did. Now, my phone rarely stops ringing with friends calling me (although there is someone here on these boards that I have left a few messages for that I would love to talk to...you know who you are...
). I have picked up new hobbies that also lead me to new friends. I started to learn to play the guitar, and after a few months I found I have a decent knack for it! I love to play now, and when I get bored (which is rare for me these days) I just pick up my Gibson SG and blow out some AC/DC tunes I know. The louder, the better...
My health has much improved...I have now lost a grand total of 140 lbs. Yup. That is right. Although about 60 lbs of it was from opiate addiction, the rest was from good ole hard work, keeping busy, working out, and eating right. My clothes are so big on me now, and I can wear stuff so much smaller (and cheaper) than I ever could before...even a authentic Alex Ovechkin Jersey some friends bought for me as a gift. I never could have wore something like that when I was as big as I was. I am now but a shadow of my former self...physically. As my body shrinks, my mind and interest expand.
I travel all the time now. I travel to NC all the time. My Uncle has 2 homes, one in Fayettville and one in Asheville NC (although I need a 4x4 to get to that one...its kinda off road a bit...). Here I am, 8 months ago whining and crying about having no family...and here I am travelling between NC and PA (to visit my aunt) all the time. I see my best friend all the time now. He is stationed at Ft Bragg and is only about 10 minutes from my Uncles house.
I say these things not to brag. I have so many faults that I still am working on. However I do say these things with the hope that perhaps a part of my story may reach someone else. Maybe, just maybe, one person may read this and get a little bit of hope. maybe there is someone here who, like me, thinks that no one likes them. Maybe they just don't know what to do. Maybe things seem hopeless. Maybe they can see something that I shared, did, or went through and will just give that a try. Maybe someone will get up the nerve to go out one day for a short walk and say to someone that may become a new friend to them. Maybe someone will pick up a new hobby...something they always wanted to do but in the cloud of darkness that is depression and/or loneliness never was able to. Maybe some old friend I had here will just say hi and wish me well. Maybe it will reach no one.
In any event I just want to say hi to everyone. I hope that you all are doing well. I truly empathize with the pain of loneliness, and if you still suffer I can offer you an ear to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. Other people who are not lonely don't understand. You have to really go through it to feel the depth and darkness of what it is. Hopefully by sharing this we can all become better people. We can all smile again. We may not beleive this, or see it, but the solution to all of our problems lies within us all. At least in my humble opinion.
Good day to everyone, and thank you for reading my long winded rambling!!
Big D
(or not so big anymore...)
I just wanted to drop in and say hi to some of the many folks I have met here, and to those future friends that I have yet to identify with!
I think it has been almost 8 months since I last posted here. I beleive I posted something like 'whoa is me, no one likes me, no one listens to me, bla bla bla...'. Looking back at that I can see exactly why I was the way that I was then...
I remember coming here because I was lonely. (imagine that). I figured that no one liked me, no one would value anything I had to say, I was unloveable, etc... I posted depressing poems about darkness, despair, unrealized love, etc... Man, how things have changed...
Last year I had a heart attack. It nearly killed me, but I survived it and now I am alot healthier. While I was in the hospital I developed a blod clot in my leg. The pain was excrutiating. Then came the pain killers. Lots of pain killers. Lots of em. The Dr was very generous...to say the least...with his despensing of narcotic prescriptions.
Then came the addiction.
The pain left...as pain often does...and here I am, popping oxycontin after oxycontin. evry day, every night. By the handfull. I was not trying to get high, mind you (although I was definitely out of sorts with myself for quite sometime), but I was merely trying to feel normal. I was trying not to get sick. If anyone has ever experienced opiate withdrawal, then you will forever have my sympathy. It is a horrible, horrible thing.
No matter what I tried, I could not get off the meds. My Dr tried to ween me off...to no avail. I just kept getting sick, and then I would lie to him about how much pain I was in so I could get some more and not have to face the horrors of withdrawal again. The cycle kept repeating itself. I was getting trapped, and then I started thinking (and doing) some dishonest things that I will not mention here so that I could stay one step ahead of the sickness... The cycle had to end.
I entered a rehab facility to get detoxed off of that horrible drug. It took almost a month and a half to fully get me healthy (and clear minded) again.
Through all of this I learned so much about myself. I learned that my loneliness was really self imposed. I had so many people out there that cared about me, I just ignored them and went on feeling sorry about myself. But when the fog was lifted I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for me. I met so many good people when I was in treatment that I still talk to today almost daily. While I was away an uncle of mine that I had not seen or heard from for 20 years had tracked me down on facebook. All this time I thought my family had abandoned me since my dad died 20 years ago. The truth of it, however, was that they had been trying to find me for years. I just chose to remain hidden and beat myself up with all of the self loathing and self pity I could muster.
At the time it felt right...beating myself up that is. It felt normal. I liked to feel sorry for myself. So much so that I always told people who gave me constructive criticism that it didn't work..even though I hardly tried it. I told the world that I had no friends, yet there were so many good people that I had ignored. I told myself no one liked me, but yet when I went out into the world during my recovery I found that people really did like me! When I worked up the courage to speak to someone, they spoke back. They respected me for my honesty, and loved me despite my faults. I found love in the things we shared in common, and interest in those things that I did not know. Of course I found lots of people that I did not care for, or who did not care for me...but I found plenty that did. Now, my phone rarely stops ringing with friends calling me (although there is someone here on these boards that I have left a few messages for that I would love to talk to...you know who you are...
). I have picked up new hobbies that also lead me to new friends. I started to learn to play the guitar, and after a few months I found I have a decent knack for it! I love to play now, and when I get bored (which is rare for me these days) I just pick up my Gibson SG and blow out some AC/DC tunes I know. The louder, the better...My health has much improved...I have now lost a grand total of 140 lbs. Yup. That is right. Although about 60 lbs of it was from opiate addiction, the rest was from good ole hard work, keeping busy, working out, and eating right. My clothes are so big on me now, and I can wear stuff so much smaller (and cheaper) than I ever could before...even a authentic Alex Ovechkin Jersey some friends bought for me as a gift. I never could have wore something like that when I was as big as I was. I am now but a shadow of my former self...physically. As my body shrinks, my mind and interest expand.
I travel all the time now. I travel to NC all the time. My Uncle has 2 homes, one in Fayettville and one in Asheville NC (although I need a 4x4 to get to that one...its kinda off road a bit...). Here I am, 8 months ago whining and crying about having no family...and here I am travelling between NC and PA (to visit my aunt) all the time. I see my best friend all the time now. He is stationed at Ft Bragg and is only about 10 minutes from my Uncles house.
I say these things not to brag. I have so many faults that I still am working on. However I do say these things with the hope that perhaps a part of my story may reach someone else. Maybe, just maybe, one person may read this and get a little bit of hope. maybe there is someone here who, like me, thinks that no one likes them. Maybe they just don't know what to do. Maybe things seem hopeless. Maybe they can see something that I shared, did, or went through and will just give that a try. Maybe someone will get up the nerve to go out one day for a short walk and say to someone that may become a new friend to them. Maybe someone will pick up a new hobby...something they always wanted to do but in the cloud of darkness that is depression and/or loneliness never was able to. Maybe some old friend I had here will just say hi and wish me well. Maybe it will reach no one.
In any event I just want to say hi to everyone. I hope that you all are doing well. I truly empathize with the pain of loneliness, and if you still suffer I can offer you an ear to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. Other people who are not lonely don't understand. You have to really go through it to feel the depth and darkness of what it is. Hopefully by sharing this we can all become better people. We can all smile again. We may not beleive this, or see it, but the solution to all of our problems lies within us all. At least in my humble opinion.
Good day to everyone, and thank you for reading my long winded rambling!!
Big D
(or not so big anymore...)
