For years I have clung onto the hurt/betrayal/neglect that I faced as a young child growing up - as if it defined me - People would ask who are you/what are you into/where have you come from - I had no identity other than my hurt and pain.
My parents were big drinkers, every weekend all they cared about was going out. They weren't interested in the children they had - they never came to a school play, parents evening, nothing. All holidays were so they could get drunk, us children looked after by red coats. I truanted nearly a year of school in secondary school once, nobody noticed. Nobody cared enough. We had a big upheaval when my father was accused of rape/indecent assault against two of my school friends when I was 14. My mother sided with my father as did the rest of my family, I did not. She chose him, so I moved out. There was no negotiating, nobody fought for me, nobody cared enough. I slept with friends, moved in with my brother for a bit, then with my Grandma, never really settling until I was 17 and moved to Leeds on my own (for a boyfriend at the time) to study my A Levels.
Since then I have been a drugged up, drinking, self-harming, wreckless party girl jumping from one penis to another, literally. I wouldn't say I was a slag, I never had more than one on the go. An old drinking friend one referred to me as a "serial monogomist" - always had to have someone on the go. It was true.
I was damaged goods, it's how I sold myself, most guys want to fix you, be there for you, look after you. Be part of your messed-upness, even if they don't admit it. They never admit any of this, they just participate in ways that definitely explain this to be true. Until of course, they realise they cannot change you or help you, you cling to the Loneliness of the neglect of your childhood because without it - you are nothing. This scares them, they realise how hurt and traumatised you are by not having an identity, they see how far you are willing to push yourself, to injure yourself and to sabotage your life to feel something/anything because you feel so worthless - so they give up on you. They stop their "love" - though maybe because you are so tempting in your fuckedupness they probably continue having sex with you for a while, they always do.
You move on, and start the cycle again, think "who can I be this time?" try rebuild yourself as a more normal human being, try learn from the mistakes you made previously - but how can you? All you do is cling to the Loneliness - the neglect of your childhood - without it you are nothing. How can nothing learn? It can't. It doesn't exist.
So here you are now 28 years of age, pregnant (with a boyfriend yes) feeling more alone and lonely than ever. I tried to reconnect with my family thinking that it would stop me from just clinging to the Loneliness. Did it help? No. Did it make me worse? Most likely.
It might be lonelier without the loneliness, in fact it probably is - I am nothing without my loneliness and that terrifies me - but one thing for sure is they're both just two messed up sides of the same shitty coin.
Thoughts?
My parents were big drinkers, every weekend all they cared about was going out. They weren't interested in the children they had - they never came to a school play, parents evening, nothing. All holidays were so they could get drunk, us children looked after by red coats. I truanted nearly a year of school in secondary school once, nobody noticed. Nobody cared enough. We had a big upheaval when my father was accused of rape/indecent assault against two of my school friends when I was 14. My mother sided with my father as did the rest of my family, I did not. She chose him, so I moved out. There was no negotiating, nobody fought for me, nobody cared enough. I slept with friends, moved in with my brother for a bit, then with my Grandma, never really settling until I was 17 and moved to Leeds on my own (for a boyfriend at the time) to study my A Levels.
Since then I have been a drugged up, drinking, self-harming, wreckless party girl jumping from one penis to another, literally. I wouldn't say I was a slag, I never had more than one on the go. An old drinking friend one referred to me as a "serial monogomist" - always had to have someone on the go. It was true.
I was damaged goods, it's how I sold myself, most guys want to fix you, be there for you, look after you. Be part of your messed-upness, even if they don't admit it. They never admit any of this, they just participate in ways that definitely explain this to be true. Until of course, they realise they cannot change you or help you, you cling to the Loneliness of the neglect of your childhood because without it - you are nothing. This scares them, they realise how hurt and traumatised you are by not having an identity, they see how far you are willing to push yourself, to injure yourself and to sabotage your life to feel something/anything because you feel so worthless - so they give up on you. They stop their "love" - though maybe because you are so tempting in your fuckedupness they probably continue having sex with you for a while, they always do.
You move on, and start the cycle again, think "who can I be this time?" try rebuild yourself as a more normal human being, try learn from the mistakes you made previously - but how can you? All you do is cling to the Loneliness - the neglect of your childhood - without it you are nothing. How can nothing learn? It can't. It doesn't exist.
So here you are now 28 years of age, pregnant (with a boyfriend yes) feeling more alone and lonely than ever. I tried to reconnect with my family thinking that it would stop me from just clinging to the Loneliness. Did it help? No. Did it make me worse? Most likely.
It might be lonelier without the loneliness, in fact it probably is - I am nothing without my loneliness and that terrifies me - but one thing for sure is they're both just two messed up sides of the same shitty coin.
Thoughts?