Hey I read the tittle of your post, I couldnt help but relate, I feel the same way, I have lost. Even though I have learnt how to listen to the birds, walk in the grass, feel the brease against my face, and enjoy those little things in life. It made no difference. It seems I can not make anyone happy, I just dont know how, I have tried, and I have failed yet again. I have lost. I only wanted 2 more things out of life. I know all the things I can do, despite certain deceases I have. And I know when I set my mind to do something I do it. except apparently the 2 things I want the most. I can not make anybody else happy, and as stupid as it sounds, I cant make anyone touch me. Even less the person I love. I feel like those dogs that grew up on the street never knowing the touch of a gentle hand, or maybe knowing it and longing for it. With every bit of their heart. That, is impossible now. If I explode or implode, or disapear in any way possible I would. I tried my best, and failed misserably at life. I am tired. 35 years of trying and failing. loosing every bet I make. I am in debt too. I gamble in a different way I guess. I became addicted to someone rather than something. and poof, he is gone. and right now I find myself in the worst place to be, surrounded by him, his things, his smell unable to run away, unwilling to do so perhaps.
I dont know what to do.