keeping friends

[Zackarydoo]

Is there some sort of trick to keeping the friends you make? I've yet to find out what it is. I managed to be writing to about 8 people regularly at the same time about 2 months ago, which must have been a record for me. Now though it's maybe 3 people regularly and I suspect one of those is on the rocks. However close I get to someone and however nice they tell me I am, it never lasts. So I guess I can't actually be as nice as they say, or they wouldn't give up on me.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier if I was a hermit and never even tried getting to know people. At least I couldn't get hurt then.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, you can't force a friendship. Likewise, you can't force a friendship to work or to last. I would say, if you get along with someone, just let it be natural. I realized I've had friendships with people for 5 years now, and I never expected to have a friend for so long. Don't force it, or push it. Things like that have to happen naturally.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I'm not aware that I do force it though with anyone. I'm always very real and just me, and let things happen as they do on their own without pushing it. I'm just a very open and friendly person. So I basically agree with you completely. People still drift away from me though or just stop writing, even when I thought I was getting on very well with them.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It happens sometimes. There were some people who I thought I'd never stop talking to, specifically a really close friend of mine. We talked every single day. But we just drifted apart. Happened years ago, and I still to this day, don't know why we stopped talking.

 

[Zackarydoo]

It happens sometimes. There were some people who I thought I'd never stop talking to, specifically a really close friend of mine. We talked every single day. But we just drifted apart. Happened years ago, and I still to this day, don't know why we stopped talking.

I'm guessing you tried to contact them to ask them why? If someone completely stops writing to me, then I'll give it a while then ask what's wrong. When you drift away from someone, it's not so bad because that's fairly natural. When it upsets me a lot is when I think I'm closer with someone than just a standard penpal and they write daily, but they stop writing one day and never explain why. One person from here did that a month or more ago and they've never written again. In fact they haven't been on these forums since either so I'm worried something had happened to them. Another person suddenly stopped writing about the same time, and after I wrote to them once or twice asking what was wrong, they replied to say they were a bit sick, and would write again some day but wouldn't blame me if I didn't want to know them any more. So I have no idea what that was all about. They obviously weren't so sick that they didn't check their emails.

Another person from here stopped writing too, although I know they were annoyed with me, even though unfairly, I do understand why. It bothered me that they just gave up though without a word.

I accept that it's bound to happen, but it would be nice if it didn't happen with at least SOME people. Maybe my current very few friends will always be there - I would like to think so, but I can't help not feeling very positive about it based on the past.

 

[VanillaCreme]

No, I never contacted them. After we had stopped talking daily, we spoke maybe two or three times. But it wasn't like how it was before. I just kind of took it for what it was. Though, I'm sure if I talked to him today, we'd probably fall back into the same conversations. Maybe not as often, but nothing would change.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

People still drift away from me though or just stop writing, even when I thought I was getting on very well with them.

You know, it's not just you. This is kind of a rootless society we've got now, all the more so since we can just unplug ourselves anytime we like. I think that we may meet and get to know more people than ever before, but those connections are far more superficial and fleeting.

Sorry, I know that that doesn't help; I'm just musing. You aren't alone, though. I sometimes wish I were in a close-knit community, a rural one even, without the escapes via computer. Then I'd pretty much be forced into daily contact with people in the real world.

Do you see any of these people you're talking about in real-life or is it mostly via computer?

 

[Zackarydoo]

Hi cheaptrickfan. I agree with you about the way society is now. I try to make real close friendships with people that go beyond emailing, but most people don't want that. I'd rather have closer local friends, but for reasons I won't bore you with now, I don't have that opportunity. So I turn to forums like this to try and find people.

No I don't meet any of my friends, but very occasionally I've spoken to one of them and regularly to another. I sometimes suggest speaking to others I've had but usually they just ignore the question. If they lived locally I'd want to meet them, but the Internet being what it is, they're all far away.

 

[Oceanmist23]

On here people stop talking to each other for different reasons. When people I PM'd frequently suddenly stopped PMing me I would feel sad and wonder why and end up thinking that I must have said something wrong or that I wasn't interesting enough for them. Even though that's a possibility I doubt it's the most common reason for them to stop talking to me.

Things happen. People become too busy with work or studies and either don't have time or they forget to PM people. People become too depressed or struggle too much with physical/mental issues to have the strength to deal with PMing. Some people have a partner and/or family that they have to focus on. Some people have so low self confidence that they don't think their PMs are interesting enough for others and so they stop writing. Some people are too addicted to the forum or the internet altogether and are simply trying to stay away from the net. Some people move to another country and manage to start a life there and have no time to send PMs. Some people can't afford to pay their internet bill even.

There are many many reasons, and here on ALL I think it's important to realize that no, it's not always about YOU (you as in whoever reads this). If you know, or at least are pretty sure you haven't said anything to offend any of your friends here, then the chances of them not PMing you because of something you did I'd say are quite slim.

I had to stop replying to PMs myself. I hit a rough spot last year and couldn't take writing PMs. I was hurting too much. Then once things started getting better I didn't have too much time, and I ended up forgetting to reply people for a long long while. Mostly, I didn't have the strength to read through PMs, reply to the content of them, and then write about what I've been up to and what was on my mind. That might sound strange considering I can write posts on the forum, but posts are more a spur of the moment thing for me. I'll see a thread that sparks something in me and I have the strength to reply to it then and there. It doesn't happen often though, not anymore.

So all in all, don't be offended if people on ALL or from other places online stop talking to you. In most cases it's nothing to do with you.

 

[Zackarydoo]

I hear what you're saying Oceanmist23. I understand that people could have reasons occasionally. I tend to think of people I write to as real friends though, not just casual PM companions. Ok so some are just casual things and I'm not really talking about them. I email some people though as real friends, and I'd like to think they'd tell me if they were moving house, having family problems or personal problems, etc.. I have my own problems with writing to friends sometimes but I'd move heaven and earth to contact everyone who might be affected by it. I simply couldn't just ignore someone without a word, no matter what I was going through. Isn't it just basic manners? I know that people don't think the same these days unfortunately, and people don't take online friendships to mean anything. It's all I have though so I take those friendships very seriously.

 

[Oceanmist23]

I hear what you're saying Oceanmist23. I understand that people could have reasons occasionally. I tend to think of people I write to as real friends though, not just casual PM companions. Ok so some are just casual things and I'm not really talking about them. I email some people though as real friends, and I'd like to think they'd tell me if they were moving house, having family problems or personal problems, etc.. I have my own problems with writing to friends sometimes but I'd move heaven and earth to contact everyone who might be affected by it. I simply couldn't just ignore someone without a word, no matter what I was going through. Isn't it just basic manners? I know that people don't think the same these days unfortunately, and people don't take online friendships to mean anything. It's all I have though so I take those friendships very seriously.

I hear what you're saying too, cos I used to think like that and still do to some extent. I used to take it quite seriously whenever I was PMing with people, but I've learned to loosen up a bit on it cos once someone stops talking to me I don't want to go through the whole nutty thought process of "was it something I said? are they ok? why aren't they replying me? will I hear from them again?" etc. Since this is the internet you just have to live with it, sadly enough, and I don't like it any more than you do. When I had to stop PMing I wrote it on my forum profile to let people know. I at least care that much. Some people don't care. Others who have low self esteem don't think anyone will care if they stop talking. They don't find themselves to be important to anyone. It's sad

 

[Zackarydoo]

I hear what you're saying too, cos I used to think like that and still do to some extent. I used to take it quite seriously whenever I was PMing with people, but I've learned to loosen up a bit on it cos once someone stops talking to me I don't want to go through the whole nutty thought process of "was it something I said? are they ok? why aren't they replying me? will I hear from them again?" etc. Since this is the internet you just have to live with it, sadly enough, and I don't like it any more than you do. When I had to stop PMing I wrote it on my forum profile to let people know. I at least care that much. Some people don't care. Others who have low self esteem don't think anyone will care if they stop talking. They don't find themselves to be important to anyone. It's sad

I've loosened up a little too in some cases. I used to go crazy if someone I barely knew stopped writing - But it gets exhausting! So I save the crazyness for people I THOUGHT were good friends. When I say "crazy", I don't mean at the person, but in my own mind, like how you explained you used to think.

 

[gongsi2010]

Hello,friend

*****, I need a golf club to beat this spammer down with - Steel*

 

[Badjedidude]

SPAAAAAAAAM. go away, SPAAAAAAM.

 

[Zak]

ugg is my best friend. I love ugg

 

[Badjedidude]

I laid an ugg once. It was uggly.

 

[Zak]

HAHAHA uggly xD

eh? You laid ugg? :|

 

[Badjedidude]

Indeed I did. It was painful, yet also a blessed experience.

 

[Zackarydoo]

What are you going on about?

 

[Badjedidude]

We're screwing around with a SPAAAAAAAAAAAAMmer.