late 20's, never had love...

[cool_breeze]

Hello people. This has been plaguing me my whole life basically. I'm in my late 20's and I've never been in love. I've never really been in a serious relationship. When you think about it it's kind of sad and a little scary also. People used to make fun of me for it too when I was younger. It's not entirely true, I've had sex with 2 girls and also had what I think were medium level relationships with them. We weren't living together or anything but were seeing each other regularly and stuff. I have also had some flings and been on a lot of dates. The irony is people say I'm good looking, both men and women, and I'll get other positive compliments too sometimes. I don't really understand. I think this has been taking a lot of time and energy in my life. And it sucks. There is this advice like make yourself happy first and other things people have said but it's not enough. A life without real love doesn't really seem worth living. I don't understand this issue. It's like when someone was passing out the happiness they forgot me. It's been bothering me a lot lately. I'm very romantic, very sexual and I hardly ever get to express it properly. I don't understand it. I'm a good person and I do a lot of cool and fun stuff too. Why not me? I can't go on like this. I feel I could die if another year happens like this.

 

[edgecrusher]

i know how you feel. i am 29 and in the same boat. except i havent had ANY kind of relationship. other than some very short random high school thing that never became sexual i have never been with a girl in any kind of way. i feel the same way. the closer i get to 30 the more it bothers me.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Just hit 20 here, but it's already bothering me too. I imagine in a few years I'll be in your shoes

I'm glad to hear you've had at least a little luck with the ladies, let that buoy you up a bit since you clearly have the ability to get somewhere with girls

I'm starting to wonder if it's all just luck. Either that, or people BS a lot when they pay compliments and I'm actually really ugly and bad mannered

Luck whether you find the right person, luck whether they're in a good mood when you first meet them, luck that you're in the right place to talk to them. Chance creates so many oppurtunities and takes so many away.

There are guys the same as me (and I expect you too) who get nice girls, I think it's because they just happened to be in the right place at the right time. It's so frustrating though.

I know what you mean about the whole "be happy with yourself" stuff too. I keep telling myself that's what I need to do, but when I'm sitting painfully alone for the countless time working my butt off, I realise that it's a load of crap.

People jump at the chance to tell others that "there's more to life than love" or "you need to relax about the issue", but that doesn't help at all. I've found hobbies like music and exercise can help take one's mind off of it, but they don't actually help. It's like trying to ignore that your happiness is slowly bleeding away from you :\

If what I want is a relationship, and I can't get that, how am I supposed to feel happy or "be happy with myself"? If someone wanted to get rich, you wouldn't say "Hey, just forget studying and getting a job, think about something else!", but for some reason that's the kind of advice for people struggling with this issue.

The "I missed happiness being handed out" line struck a particular chord with me. Everywhere I go, I seem to see people no different from me holding hands and kissing and stuff, and I just think: why the hell is that not there for me too?

I too feel like I'm a romantic person, and I think that's what kills me most.

I'm absolutely brimming with neat ideas to really make a lady feel special, but no one actually wants me to do that for them!

 

[I'm Fine]

I think people say 'be happy with yourself' and things like that is because there really isn't much you can do. Unlike money or material success, working hard etc really doesn't make any difference. As has been said before - luck is a MAJOR factor. I'm sorry but, if it helps, I can pretty much guarantee that there are girls out there saying the same things to themselves (I know I was when I was in my early twenties). I hope it all works out well for you all.

Good luck.

 

[cool_breeze]

Thanks for the replies. So I'm Fine how did it finally change? Yeah there's so much chance involved. Being in the right place at the right time, meeting that special person and being compatible, you both being single at that time...sometimes it seems like that are so many factors that it's almost impossible. It's not that hard to get a few dates but real love? Almost impossible it seems. Is this foolish? One time when I was traveling I met a girl in another country. She was beautiful and lonely and we talked for about a year even after I left. She has completely disappeared lately. It's breaking my heart, really hurting me. I felt that it was love and maybe we could have seen each other in person again. Am I just going to have to let it go and it will be another failure? I don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. I love her and miss her.

 

[tyronef]

You have to think about it carefully.

A broken heart is a broken heart. It hurts like hell, but then you get over it. If not, try hard to.

Finding someone is also hard. No one has it easy. Think of celebrity marriages and relationships. Do they every work? Think about it. Then, if you say NO, then think about this. Would it have mattered and been reported on if they are not celebrities?

Why are there so many having affairs? Because they found the right one? No. I do not believe so.

So, what I am getting at, it is hard for everyone to find love. And when you have it then you will know. There are many people out there. So, do not think about it too much, live life outside of your home and meet people. This way you get the opportunities to meet people.

Just know, I am no expert, so I gave my opinion.

 

[I'm Fine]

Thanks for the replies. So I'm Fine how did it finally change? Yeah there's so much chance involved. Being in the right place at the right time, meeting that special person and being compatible, you both being single at that time...sometimes it seems like that are so many factors that it's almost impossible. It's not that hard to get a few dates but real love? Almost impossible it seems. Is this foolish? One time when I was traveling I met a girl in another country. She was beautiful and lonely and we talked for about a year even after I left. She has completely disappeared lately. It's breaking my heart, really hurting me. I felt that it was love and maybe we could have seen each other in person again. Am I just going to have to let it go and it will be another failure? I don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. I love her and miss her.

It changed at Uni (I was a 'mature' student). We were on the same course and in a particular lesson there weren't enough computers for everyone and, quite randomly, I ended up sharing with two strangers (one male, one female) and we became friends. 6 months after that, on valentines day, the man asked me out. I'd had no idea that he liked me, in fact I thought he liked the other girl and had never even thought of him in that way and yet, perhaps because it was valentines day and I was tired of being alone, I said yes and things progressed from there. He chased me and we ended up getting married. We're still married nearly 13 years later. So yep, very random. There's a LOT of if's in there. IF we hadn't gotten the same computer. IF the other person hadn't been there (made it less awkward), IF we hadn't become friends (which started over a funny thing the computer came up with), IF I hadn't been tired of being alone, IF I hadn't given him a chance...see how many ifs there are just there?

About the girl you met - is there any way you can contact her? Anyway you can find out how she is? It would be a shame to lose something like that if you can help it.

Good luck.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Relationships are just a way people feel connected to each other and make themselves more financially stable. That's what it comes down in my mind anyways.

Can you tell I am not a romantic?

 

[cool_breeze]

It changed at Uni (I was a 'mature' student). We were on the same course and in a particular lesson there weren't enough computers for everyone and, quite randomly, I ended up sharing with two strangers (one male, one female) and we became friends. 6 months after that, on valentines day, the man asked me out. I'd had no idea that he liked me, in fact I thought he liked the other girl and had never even thought of him in that way and yet, perhaps because it was valentines day and I was tired of being alone, I said yes and things progressed from there. He chased me and we ended up getting married. We're still married nearly 13 years later. So yep, very random. There's a LOT of if's in there. IF we hadn't gotten the same computer. IF the other person hadn't been there (made it less awkward), IF we hadn't become friends (which started over a funny thing the computer came up with), IF I hadn't been tired of being alone, IF I hadn't given him a chance...see how many ifs there are just there?

About the girl you met - is there any way you can contact her? Anyway you can find out how she is? It would be a shame to lose something like that if you can help it.

Good luck.

Thanks. Good story. Really nice to know it worked out and something happened organically and you went with it and it worked. The girl abroad well I think it is a shame too. She has fallen off the earth. I hope she is ok.

 

[jjam]

I think people say 'be happy with yourself' and things like that is because there really isn't much you can do.

How you feel will impact the things you say to people, and how you say them. How you feel will impact your body language. Your body language and the "what and how" of the things you say will impact how people respond to you. How you feel will impact what you BELIEVE about the way people see you, which will go a long way towards producing confidence (or an extreme lack of). How you feel will mean the difference in thinking someone could be interested in you vs not.

I know it's difficult, but we have to shake stress and depression. This is our problem, really. I've never been to a doctor for this, but I know it's what's holding me back from progressing in many areas of my life.
Somehow, someway, we have to psyche ourselves out into being cheery. I'm working towards it with hobbies and constant reminders that this is what I have to do.

 

[cool_breeze]

Ya. Good advice. My dad used to always be kind of a jerk about this. There seemed to be pressure yet not much advice either. Thank god I've had a couple girlfriends even if they weren't soulmates. At least they were nice and I got some experience. I'm ready for the real thing though. Love and support and someone who's really a big part of my life and of course the simple need to take care of someone else and show someone else really warm affection.