Dodge Diesel
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- Aug 8, 2009
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was up again not able to sleep, have alot going on, read if you like,
So here goes...
I fell in love in the summer when I was 16, only I didnt know I did, me and this amazing girl eventually became enthralled with each other and anytime we met someone new they would ask us when the wedding was... So after about 7 months reality kind of came to be and we were having a few problems but they were pretty miniscule and normal and our love was never hurt, we were amzed by each other and barely had a minute apart, I dont want to dive into our whole relationship because well, I dont want to be sitting here typing for 3 days and I didnt log in to ***** about what an amazing time this was in my life.... but basically we were mad for each other and it never changed .... We were too young for a relationship that serious we should have met when we were 24/25 instead of me being 16 and her being 17 because it would have worked, we were together for a solid year and then in a moment of heat and anger we split, and we missed that small window to reconsile
For the first 2months life was pretty **** good for me ( I think I just needed a break) and then the thoughts of her started to hurt and they wouldn’t go away, after the first month of being apart she confessed to cheating on me with a really good friend of mine in our 8 month, I didn’t know how to respond to this, but I eventually ended up in the police station cuz I went after him, I hated her for a while but then the hate went away and it was just pain left, so I didnt know how to get rid of the pain and I continued to lie to myself that I hated her, im a pretty good salesman and i tricked myself into believing it even though I knew **** well that I didnt but it kept my mind off it I suppose, and then I began losing sleep....lots of sleep I would get up at 2-3 am out of my bed and go into the living room for a change of scenery, turn on the Tv for company and just stare blankly at the flashes off the wall, I had a cordless phone at the time, I would eventually get it and put her number in it and just stare at it, Hell sometimes I would even push send if I got the courage up to do it but I would quickly execute the call,
I was so confused, I had a ton of hate left over and didnt know if I could ever take her back but something inside of me wanted her again and I fought it, i fought it ******* hard, so i would be up every night unable to sleep trying to wrap my head around what was going on , I began writing letters to her Long story short after 8 months I had 27 letters, after 5 months of us being apart I stopped fighting it.....I gave in and let go of the act...... I wanted her.. Badly, I was ashamed at first that I could be so weak, but I didnt care, we were all part of a group at the time when we were together and we sort of kept in touch through friends and one day she asked me for coffee.... Just as friends... I was so excited we talked for 4 hours, god it was like we were together again, It blew my mind to see that wonderful stunning gorgeous woman in front of me again I felt alive, all the hell went away, all the hurt went away but I knew it was still there the whole time, so anyways im rambling on again sorry.
were just getting to what i want to talk about lol, So I am left here It has been a ******* year since we were together and things havnt changed, I want to make this clear, some people in life Cant be alone, I have no problem being alone I have been for a year now, theres no reason to lie........ I have tried relationships with quite a few women and I just cant do it, I am not interested and dont have the energy and I just dont care, which is bizarre because before her I had about a dozen relationships throughout my life. Being without her has resulted in constant pain that drags you down and doesn’t quit, i wake up every morning with a 50 pound dumbell in the bottom of my stomach, I have almost driven my truck off the road so many times because I think of her and drift off without realizing it, I hear songs and I feel my eyes start to water and burn, I see her and throw up. I dont wanna dive too deep into how I feel most/all of the time. But after being like this for almost a year I am getting really fed up and frustrated, Why wont these emotions go away? Most people get over it after a few months, and I know me and that girl had true love, But what the hell? How can these tidal waves of emotion keep washing over me? I dont get it, I do however know I am still madly in love with her, But for my own benefit I have ceased contact with her because it is just too hard for me to see her and any ground I make towards feeling better I lose in an instant, but I cant resist talking to her over the computer
I amped up my lifestyle to try and drown out the pain, and well hey it kinda worked for the first bit, but then it just stopped, I havn’t been able to sleep since our 2nd month apart, yeah pretty messed eh? 8 months of going to bed when the sun rises, and yes sleeping pills work and I did take that road for a while but had to stop, for the past little bit its been ok I can actually fall asleep most days of the week but good portion of the time im laying in bed looking up at the ceiling.
I sorta fell into a bad area, just so you know im not a womanizer but... Sleeping with random women took the pain away, it was the only thing that took my pain away, so what I would do is go out to house partys get drunk and sleep with a nice piece of tail, but that quickly fell apart as I started to feel like honeysuckle afterwards, maybe because it was reminding me of how alone I was, but at the same time it was a temporary remedy for the pain, to feel good I did this alot but in the morning or if I wasn’t to drunk to pass out, 20 minutes later the feeling of grief for my ex would come back, but I toned that down I dont like using women, I still get laid alot to help me out with things lol
I really thought I could beat this, I live a really good life and I know my life is great im surrounded by true friends, im with a few different women a week, im out all the time having the time of my life doing stupid/ fun honeysuckle making memories, Ive accomplished alot in my 18 years, I own my dream vehicle but you know none of that matters to me, I go through the motions of everyday life and yeah you know what , I can have fun, I can laugh, but an inch underneath that surface is a heartbroken lonely son of a ***** who had true love, lost it and doesn’t know how to deal with this
I have learned that love really is the only thing that matters in this world. And any relationship before this never had an effect like this on me, I never felt anything, and im not just a stupid teenager who thinks he fell inlove just because he wanted to, or thought he should. Me and Her was real there is nothing in this world that could change my mind, and you know If things work out and I feel I can trust her again, I would give up the best years of my life in a heartbeat to marry her
Before I was with her I could do just fine being alone and not being commited, but I dont know how to continue without her and Ive tried and my heart doesn’t want anyone else even though every part of me wants to move on , what do I do?
Should I give her those letters????????
Ive gone through the 5 stages of losing someone you love, and I keep rolling through them
Ive Done everything to move on like im supposed to and yet here I am again at 3:51Am 387 days later Still grieving this.
- Dodge Diesel
So here goes...
I fell in love in the summer when I was 16, only I didnt know I did, me and this amazing girl eventually became enthralled with each other and anytime we met someone new they would ask us when the wedding was... So after about 7 months reality kind of came to be and we were having a few problems but they were pretty miniscule and normal and our love was never hurt, we were amzed by each other and barely had a minute apart, I dont want to dive into our whole relationship because well, I dont want to be sitting here typing for 3 days and I didnt log in to ***** about what an amazing time this was in my life.... but basically we were mad for each other and it never changed .... We were too young for a relationship that serious we should have met when we were 24/25 instead of me being 16 and her being 17 because it would have worked, we were together for a solid year and then in a moment of heat and anger we split, and we missed that small window to reconsile
For the first 2months life was pretty **** good for me ( I think I just needed a break) and then the thoughts of her started to hurt and they wouldn’t go away, after the first month of being apart she confessed to cheating on me with a really good friend of mine in our 8 month, I didn’t know how to respond to this, but I eventually ended up in the police station cuz I went after him, I hated her for a while but then the hate went away and it was just pain left, so I didnt know how to get rid of the pain and I continued to lie to myself that I hated her, im a pretty good salesman and i tricked myself into believing it even though I knew **** well that I didnt but it kept my mind off it I suppose, and then I began losing sleep....lots of sleep I would get up at 2-3 am out of my bed and go into the living room for a change of scenery, turn on the Tv for company and just stare blankly at the flashes off the wall, I had a cordless phone at the time, I would eventually get it and put her number in it and just stare at it, Hell sometimes I would even push send if I got the courage up to do it but I would quickly execute the call,
I was so confused, I had a ton of hate left over and didnt know if I could ever take her back but something inside of me wanted her again and I fought it, i fought it ******* hard, so i would be up every night unable to sleep trying to wrap my head around what was going on , I began writing letters to her Long story short after 8 months I had 27 letters, after 5 months of us being apart I stopped fighting it.....I gave in and let go of the act...... I wanted her.. Badly, I was ashamed at first that I could be so weak, but I didnt care, we were all part of a group at the time when we were together and we sort of kept in touch through friends and one day she asked me for coffee.... Just as friends... I was so excited we talked for 4 hours, god it was like we were together again, It blew my mind to see that wonderful stunning gorgeous woman in front of me again I felt alive, all the hell went away, all the hurt went away but I knew it was still there the whole time, so anyways im rambling on again sorry.
were just getting to what i want to talk about lol, So I am left here It has been a ******* year since we were together and things havnt changed, I want to make this clear, some people in life Cant be alone, I have no problem being alone I have been for a year now, theres no reason to lie........ I have tried relationships with quite a few women and I just cant do it, I am not interested and dont have the energy and I just dont care, which is bizarre because before her I had about a dozen relationships throughout my life. Being without her has resulted in constant pain that drags you down and doesn’t quit, i wake up every morning with a 50 pound dumbell in the bottom of my stomach, I have almost driven my truck off the road so many times because I think of her and drift off without realizing it, I hear songs and I feel my eyes start to water and burn, I see her and throw up. I dont wanna dive too deep into how I feel most/all of the time. But after being like this for almost a year I am getting really fed up and frustrated, Why wont these emotions go away? Most people get over it after a few months, and I know me and that girl had true love, But what the hell? How can these tidal waves of emotion keep washing over me? I dont get it, I do however know I am still madly in love with her, But for my own benefit I have ceased contact with her because it is just too hard for me to see her and any ground I make towards feeling better I lose in an instant, but I cant resist talking to her over the computer
I amped up my lifestyle to try and drown out the pain, and well hey it kinda worked for the first bit, but then it just stopped, I havn’t been able to sleep since our 2nd month apart, yeah pretty messed eh? 8 months of going to bed when the sun rises, and yes sleeping pills work and I did take that road for a while but had to stop, for the past little bit its been ok I can actually fall asleep most days of the week but good portion of the time im laying in bed looking up at the ceiling.
I sorta fell into a bad area, just so you know im not a womanizer but... Sleeping with random women took the pain away, it was the only thing that took my pain away, so what I would do is go out to house partys get drunk and sleep with a nice piece of tail, but that quickly fell apart as I started to feel like honeysuckle afterwards, maybe because it was reminding me of how alone I was, but at the same time it was a temporary remedy for the pain, to feel good I did this alot but in the morning or if I wasn’t to drunk to pass out, 20 minutes later the feeling of grief for my ex would come back, but I toned that down I dont like using women, I still get laid alot to help me out with things lol
I really thought I could beat this, I live a really good life and I know my life is great im surrounded by true friends, im with a few different women a week, im out all the time having the time of my life doing stupid/ fun honeysuckle making memories, Ive accomplished alot in my 18 years, I own my dream vehicle but you know none of that matters to me, I go through the motions of everyday life and yeah you know what , I can have fun, I can laugh, but an inch underneath that surface is a heartbroken lonely son of a ***** who had true love, lost it and doesn’t know how to deal with this
I have learned that love really is the only thing that matters in this world. And any relationship before this never had an effect like this on me, I never felt anything, and im not just a stupid teenager who thinks he fell inlove just because he wanted to, or thought he should. Me and Her was real there is nothing in this world that could change my mind, and you know If things work out and I feel I can trust her again, I would give up the best years of my life in a heartbeat to marry her
Before I was with her I could do just fine being alone and not being commited, but I dont know how to continue without her and Ive tried and my heart doesn’t want anyone else even though every part of me wants to move on , what do I do?
Should I give her those letters????????
Ive gone through the 5 stages of losing someone you love, and I keep rolling through them
Ive Done everything to move on like im supposed to and yet here I am again at 3:51Am 387 days later Still grieving this.
- Dodge Diesel
