Loneliness has followed me my whole life

[rosebud]

"Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. ..."

Most of you probably heard this famous quote from the movie "Taxi Driver", ironically it sums up my life to this moment. Soon I'll be 20 years, as a student in a prestigious university it was hard for me to reach the goals I did to this point in my life. In high school I finished at top of my class, on my graduation day everyone told me how they wanted to be like me, and the only thought thru my head was that I barely want to be like me.

As a child I was very shy, something I managed to overcome with the years passing. Today I'm not shy, and I think I can communicate with people, something that shows at my job, this is something I'm very proud of. I work in a sphere which is very well paid, if you know how the things work, and of course if you're willing to break some sweat. The major problem in my life is the crushing loneliness I feel most of the time. During my school years I had friends, which didn't understand me. They couldn't, most of them were self-centered jerks anyway.

From an early age I was a sports type of person. I was a good swimmer and basketball player, in my spare time to this day I ride a bike and go to the gym. And no matter what I still feel alone, I guess all this talk that you feel part of something in competitive sport is just not true. To this day I haven't had a serious girlfriend, the one night only girls can't really count as such. Don't get me wrong, it's not about sex. I'm looking for a person who wants to know how I feel or how was my day, to ask me about my emotions....

My last girlfriend which I had for a month, nearly 2 years ago, one day told me how she loved me. Later the same night I heard she was blowing a guy at a birthday party she went, because he told her what a beautiful smile she has. That truly was something shocking to me, to see at first hand how hypocrite people can be. With the girls I knew, with the people I called friends it was always the same - no one was able to understand me or give a honeysuckle. I have 1 - 2 "real" friends, and very loving parents I can count on if I ever need help, but they can't understand me. If I tell them about my problems with loneliness, and that increasing feel that everything is meaningless they would tell me it's just a phase or it happens to everyone, and I'm not alone. But the sad truth is I am alone. I was able to complete all the goals I've set in my life to this point, and I'm still miserable.

Sometimes I think that luck has passed me by in terms of me being able to bond with people. Lately I'm going to bars, parties and other social events with people from my group in the university, and I see them all happy. And I got that idea in my head, that the smile I have on my face is just for show. That all this is meaningless, that maybe it's my destiny to be lonely. In this group of individuals I'm currently socializing with there were two girls that got my hopes up for a time. The first one told me she had a boyfriend before I even tried anything, I guess women have some kind of radar for this stuff. I'm talking about a second after I thought that this girl might be more than a person I know at school, she told me about her boyfriend. It's just bad luck. As for the second one - she is single, but I really don't care anymore, because I'm positive something will go wrong in the beginning.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I expected change in the new environment I'm in now, and there is none. People are the same, and it never seizes to amaze me how everyone around me are happy, and I'm doing all this stuff in my life ( school, work, sports) automatic. I don't care about anything right now, I had suicidal thoughts, it's not something I'm going to do in the near future, but still those thoughts are the depression talking. I was thinking going to a therapist, but in the end he'll tell me the same things I'm familiar with. After all you can't explain to a person who doesn't care what is the feeling laying in bed at 3 A.M. in the morning, staring at the ceiling, praying that in the morning you'll be able to meet a person who can understand you, someone to be lonely with.

My loneliness during the last few years granted me some positives anyway. I read a lot, watch a lot of movies, listen to music...., but it's still more of a burden that anything else. I tried to tackle that feeling, and be able to live with my loneliness, but at this point I'm still unable to. I can't even understand it completely.

The worst moments are when I'm somewhere and I'm in a good mood to certain point, in which something changes. I got this feeling like some hot water is being poured over my head, and I'm starting to feel empty inside, and extremely lonely, isolated. There is no specific thing that provokes this. An example is last week I was having a drink with a few people, just talking after a long day, one of them went to the bathroom. On the way back she saw some people she knew at a table close to ours, and she sat there. Before she went there we were discussing something, and she seemed to have a good time. After 5 minutes sitting on the other table, she came back and asked me to pass her a glass she was drinking, so she can transfer to the other table permanently. No one else on the other table seemed to care about this, but I felt like someone left my head in a microwave for too long, and I'm not even close with this girl.

It's hard when you have no one to talk about this things. Loneliness is a burden. In one of Ingmar Bergman movies I watched recently there was a theory about the last hours of Jesus. One character said that for him being on the cross wasn't the greatest pain he experienced, but the disappointment in his disciples who left him. His pain was not because of tge physical suffering. He just realized how alone he really was. I'm agnostic, but this really made me feel more attached to God than ever before. Maybe we're together in our loneliness, and in the same time alone with it.

Thanks, if you had the patience to read this, and excuse me for the grammatical errors, my first language is not english.

 

[dead]

Hey rosebud.
i'm sorry you feel so left out and alone. i hope it will not last longer.

i suppose that... not feeling lonely takes more than just people. it needs... connection. true caring. more than just random occurrences, or false, stupid hopes.

i hope you will find a solution

 

[rosebud]

Thanks, I hope so too. I guess everyone here, in this forum share something similar in a way. It's just that sometimes waiting for this major change in your life seems like a far and blurred vision, that will not happen to you. Most people think that they are born to do things that matter. If you believe cleaning toilets matter, then you'll be a happy person doing it. I'm having trouble fulfilling some things that I think are essential for a person to be happy, and "real" like other people.

 

[PsychoBilli]

In this group of individuals I'm currently socializing with there were two girls that got my hopes up for a time. The first one told me she had a boyfriend before I even tried anything, I guess women have some kind of radar for this stuff. I'm talking about a second after I thought that this girl might be more than a person I know at school, she told me about her boyfriend.

Maybe she didn't have a boyfriend. Maybe she was just testing you. Some women will do things like that just to see the guy's reaction. It might be to chase him off, but if he presses on anyway it could catch her interest. And maybe she does have a boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to her. You might not find exactly what you want, but that doesn't mean you can't find something of value.

Think about it through her eyes. She sees you and thinks you're kinda cute. Then she says "I have a boyfriend," and you withdraw. So she thinks you're not interested. But what if you kept talking anyway? She'd see that and see confidence. Women like confidence. Maybe she had a boyfriend, but maybe he didn't treat her right. Maybe he lived 1000 miles away. You didn't know her situation, there's no reason you couldn't have pressed on to find out.

I think you let your expectations get a little high, so when you heard that girl 1 had a boyfriend, you were too crushed to bother with girl 2. Instead of thinking "I want that" start asking yourself, "What options are available here?" Just think of each attempt, no matter how slight, as a learning experience. Keep building experience and you'll figure out how to get what you want.

Change doesn't come all on it's own. We move through life with a direction. If you want to change that direction, you have to make a choice and change something about yourself. Change isn't easy, and it takes time. But you're young. 20 is an excellent age to start learning about life, and you have a lot of time to figure this stuff out. It sounds like you're really smart, too. I have no doubt that you can learn to make the right choices. One thing I know about change is that it's best to take little steps. I think the first thing is to learn not to let people get you down.

 

[Merieth]

wow... i can really relate to your post a lot. there was so much emotion in your post... i can relate a lot, and it makes me sad to know that someone else is experiencing the same pain as i am : (

i dont know how to deal with loneliness, sometimes it is so hard that i will just cry for some hours at night... i feel like no one really understands my pain, like you said -- "everyone goes through it sometimes" and that just really doesnt help me at all...

i wish you the best of luck though, and i sincerely hope you are able to find a girl who understands, appreciates and adores you for who you are

 

[rosebud]

Change doesn't come all on it's own. We move through life with a direction. If you want to change that direction, you have to make a choice and change something about yourself.

It's not about having big expectations, it's more about thinking that this eventually can lead to a major change in my life in time. I'm realistic, and I can't expect something for more than it is.

As for the change - yes, it's good time for a change, but I'm not certain what to change. I'm not letting people get me down often. I'm not the type of person who will feel shaken up by a bad word or a bad look somewhere. The thing that bothers me is when I feel letdown by the people I know from a long time, family members, or other person I think I care for. Example: a few days ago I was waiting in my car for a friend. With him we needed to go for a job interview (for his benefit). He left me hanging for 45 minutes, because he actually forgot, and did something else (having a drink somewhere). The right thing for me was to go home, and leave him, but I felt I'll deceive my friend in a way. After all this is a person I know for 15 years, and who I haven't seen in almost 6 months....

Thanks everyone for your posts!

 

[Haz]

You have so much going for you, it is further proof that no matter where you end up in life and what accomplishments you have made that satisfaction is an elusive concept.

I too can relate to Travis Bickle, the older I get everytime I watch that film it seems all the more relevant. All the best.

 

[PsychoBilli]

Example: a few days ago I was waiting in my car for a friend. With him we needed to go for a job interview (for his benefit). He left me hanging for 45 minutes, because he actually forgot, and did something else (having a drink somewhere). The right thing for me was to go home, and leave him, but I felt I'll deceive my friend in a way. After all this is a person I know for 15 years, and who I haven't seen in almost 6 months....

That makes perfect sense to me. Your friend had this expectation of you which you fulfilled. You were looking to help him because you're his friend and you knew it was the right thing to do. The problem was your friend forgot and went to goof off. So you were frustrated; you put forward this effort to be a good friend and he didn't do the same for you. That sounds perfectly natural. That would have pissed me off. I would have tracked him down and said, "Dude! You had a job interview today! What the hell, man?!" Sometimes being a good friend means calling them out on their honeysuckle.

Sometimes things affect us in ways we don't realize. Maybe your problem isn't being alone. It seems to me that if you have loving parents and good friends - even if it is only 1 or 2 - you can't be completely alone. You said you were in a prestigious school, and you work hard for good money. To me, that sounds stressful. And stress can have weird ways of affecting us. In my previous job I had to deal with a chaotic and hostile environment. I had to move quickly while people got in my way, co-workers were pissed off all the time, and I had to deal with managers who weren't nearly as smart as I am. It was frustrating. It was infuriating. I would randomly lash out and just be pissed off for seemingly no reason. That's how the stress got to me. I have one friend who used to work there, but he's been gone for 3 years. He still gets worked up about that place, that's how bad it was.

Let's look at another part of your life. You work hard and study hard because you want to succeed. I can see how that might be lonely. You graduated the top of your class, which isn't something just anyone can do. You're in a prestigious school, which again is a rare thing. And you have a good paying job that requires you give 110%; something not everyone can claim. It sets you apart from the rest of the crowd. Then you have a run in with a friend, like you job interview friend. He went to goof off when he should have been focused on something important. That's clearly not something you could do, but he wasn't worried. He was having drinks and probably enjoying himself despite the fact that he probably had no chance of getting that job. It frustrated you. You put forward all kinds of effort to make things work, and you don't understand how he couldn't do the same. You work hard, why can't everyone else?

I might be off the mark here, but I think you're a little envious, too. He just tossed that interview aside like he didn't have a care in the world. Is that something you could do? Would you enjoy it if you could? What about the girl you had drinks with after work? You were talking to her, she seemed to be enjoying herself, then she went to another table. You were putting forward this effort to get along and it turned out she wasn't doing the same.

What if you tried to focus on relieving your stress? How would that effect your mood? Would you find it easier to accept people for who they are? Would you be more accepting of things that don't work out? Would people find it easier to relate to you? Like I said, I might be completely off the mark here, but it sounds like a good place to start looking. I'm certainly not saying you should quit school or your job, I think those things will take you far. Learning to handle the pressure you're under might take you farther.

 

[rosebud]

What if you tried to focus on relieving your stress? How would that effect your mood? Would you find it easier to accept people for who they are? Would you be more accepting of things that don't work out? Would people find it easier to relate to you? Like I said, I might be completely off the mark here, but it sounds like a good place to start looking. I'm certainly not saying you should quit school or your job, I think those things will take you far. Learning to handle the pressure you're under might take you farther.

I work out 4 - 5 days a week and at the place I go swimming I'm visiting the sauna and the other spa procedures. I think this is enough to relieve the stress. Maybe I'm wrong, I'm not sure what is the feeling of being stressed for continuous period of time. I don't feel frustrated by everything all the time, but more emotionless and empty inside, in a nihilistic way. Maybe you're right and the stress is the problem, but I doubt it, because I feel the same way from a long time (3 - 4 years). My mood is not always the same I show to others, most of the time I'm acting cheerful, but actually I'm sad. Of course everyone will find it easier to relate to a happy, positive person.

And about my friend I don't envy him about his ignorance. After all anyone has the right to make decisions about his life. I was disappointed, because all the people I know are like him - without any goals, apathetic about their future. It's ironical how can I be a friend with a person so different than me, who choose a path in life so opposite of mine. And that was the whole point, during my life so far the friends I had were holding me back for certain things. Maybe that's because I don't think of them as real friends. Recently I read an interesting theory about loneliness."The pathology of loneliness" - in which it says that some men subconsciously push others away to maintain their isolation, even though the main source of their torment is this very isolation. I guess there is some truth in that statement.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

Women are odd creatures. I can say this, as I am one, and I often find myself difficult to understand. They do a lot of fake things, which I can't seem to understand. They'd rather disappear without an explanation then just say "Oh, my good friend at the other table there just got back from being the army for a million years, and I really wanna talk to them. I enjoyed talking to you though, and hope to see you around again. Blah blah whatever." I am always a very brutally honest person, but most girls want to hide everything for some reason.
I blame my similar situation on where I currently live. I'm not in a very artistic, free thinking, social area. I'm in Florida, stuck with the baptists, jocks and old people... Where do you live? Have you fully explored the social community in your area? Maybe you need to look for something more like a open mic coffee bar where you can meet people that like to think, read, and talk about their feelings. This is what I've been looking for, and I've failed.
But if you want someone to chat with here, I found your post quite literate, which is a quality I often appreciate. Maybe PM me sometime. Feel Bettah'.

 

[rosebud]

I blame my similar situation on where I currently live. I'm not in a very artistic, free thinking, social area. I'm in Florida, stuck with the baptists, jocks and old people... Where do you live? Have you fully explored the social community in your area?

Believe me where are live the people around me are working class folk, who aren't involved in things like art, music or anything with artistic value. As for your situation be glad that you have a lot of sun there.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

I blame my similar situation on where I currently live. I'm not in a very artistic, free thinking, social area. I'm in Florida, stuck with the baptists, jocks and old people... Where do you live? Have you fully explored the social community in your area?

Believe me where are live the people around me are working class folk, who aren't involved in things like art, music or anything with artistic value. As for your situation be glad that you have a lot of sun there.

Sorry to slap you with pessimism, but I'd be glad if I wasn't a ghost pale, dark haired northerner. I'm originally from Maryland, and I thought it got hot there in the summer. I've always had issues with the heat, so I have to be very careful down here. I fortunately have not passed out in public.
But because the people down here are beach going idiots, my boyfriend and I got side swiped by a drunk driver last night. No one was hurt and the car is barely damaged, so we got lucky, but it's bad down here. There are drunk drivers all over the place, you hear about it all the time...
I know, more pessimism, right? But Florida isn't quite as Sunny as it seems.... I'd rather be surrounded by the working class. At least they're educated.

 

[PsychoBilli]

I work out 4 - 5 days a week and at the place I go swimming I'm visiting the sauna and the other spa procedures. I think this is enough to relieve the stress. Maybe I'm wrong, I'm not sure what is the feeling of being stressed for continuous period of time. I don't feel frustrated by everything all the time, but more emotionless and empty inside, in a nihilistic way. Maybe you're right and the stress is the problem, but I doubt it, because I feel the same way from a long time (3 - 4 years). My mood is not always the same I show to others, most of the time I'm acting cheerful, but actually I'm sad. Of course everyone will find it easier to relate to a happy, positive person.

And about my friend I don't envy him about his ignorance. After all anyone has the right to make decisions about his life. I was disappointed, because all the people I know are like him - without any goals, apathetic about their future. It's ironical how can I be a friend with a person so different than me, who choose a path in life so opposite of mine. And that was the whole point, during my life so far the friends I had were holding me back for certain things. Maybe that's because I don't think of them as real friends. Recently I read an interesting theory about loneliness."The pathology of loneliness" - in which it says that some men subconsciously push others away to maintain their isolation, even though the main source of their torment is this very isolation. I guess there is some truth in that statement.

I still think you have expectations of people that aren't being met. After all, you've achieved a great deal more than your average Joe. So when you see the average Joe you think they're not doing enough. You've hit a level of success that I couldn't achieve. I'm no dummy, and I have a tenacious side, but you've got this ability to persevere under pressure that I don't have. That ability gives you the determination in academia to get you to the school you're in. You worked hard and got rewarded. It gives you the ability to work at a good job, and you get rewarded for it. But when you apply that to casual relationships things break down, because you aren't getting the rewards you're looking for. After all, the girl that said she had a boyfriend didn't reject you. You heard something you didn't like, and you rejected her AND her friend. In your case, I certainly agree with the "pathology of loneliness."

I'll offer one story then I'll shut up. Some years ago I lost my driver's license and I learned to get around town by walking, bussing and riding a bike. I preferred the bike above all else, I get go farther and faster than I could with walking, and I wasn't limited to routes and schedules like I was with the bus. The bike gave me the most freedom. So it's not surprising that I would go out for a leisurely ride. No destination in mind, just riding for the freedom and joy. Then thing is, I'd hit about 6 or 7 miles into the ride and I was done. I'd hit the wall and I just couldn't go on. This was something I accepted. I was never the most athletic person, so the fact that I couldn't ride endlessly was no great surprise. I didn't see it as a problem that needed fixing, it simply was what it was.

Then... I quit smoking. One day I went out on a ride and I rode 10 miles and I felt like I could ride 10 more. I was shocked. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't tired. Then it hit me, I quit smoking. My lungs grew back. Then I began to wonder, "How far can I ride before I get tired now." I started pushing myself. These days I take 30 mile bike rides on a regular basis. I discovered an even greater level of freedom. If you went back 10 years and told my younger self that I would be that active, I'd laugh. It was unthinkable. If I hadn't quit smoking, I never would have learned that I could push myself like that.

We all have our vices. They hold us back in ways we don't even realize. Some are obvious, like cigarettes or drugs. Some are harder to spot, like a sweet tooth or a bad influence. But we tend to accept them as they persist. It's not until they're gone that we can come to understand just how it all holds us back. If you live under pressure and stress your whole life, how would you know what it's like to be without it? I think you're here because you know something is holding you back, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

[rosebud]

We all have our vices. They hold us back in ways we don't even realize. Some are obvious, like cigarettes or drugs. Some are harder to spot, like a sweet tooth or a bad influence. But we tend to accept them as they persist. It's not until they're gone that we can come to understand just how it all holds us back. If you live under pressure and stress your whole life, how would you know what it's like to be without it? I think you're here because you know something is holding you back, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

Yes, I do think something is holding me back, and of course I want to find the answer. That's a good story with the bike, it really shows how sometimes the answer for one is the reason for another thing. Thanks for your posts, I got the impression you're a person who put a lot of thinking about this stuff, which is something very rare to begin with.

 

[PsychoBilli]

I've been bored lately and I like puzzles. Things like this give me something to flex the grey matter with. So, without realizing it, you've been helping me, too.

 

[rdp234]

Ever hear that song? "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known." You're not alone. I and a lot of other people have gone through it. Take pride in it. You're a survivor. You're one of a kind. You're an amazing person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Adversity builds character. You'll be okay.