rosebud
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2010
- Messages
- 203
- Reaction score
- 0
"Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. ..."
Most of you probably heard this famous quote from the movie "Taxi Driver", ironically it sums up my life to this moment. Soon I'll be 20 years, as a student in a prestigious university it was hard for me to reach the goals I did to this point in my life. In high school I finished at top of my class, on my graduation day everyone told me how they wanted to be like me, and the only thought thru my head was that I barely want to be like me.
As a child I was very shy, something I managed to overcome with the years passing. Today I'm not shy, and I think I can communicate with people, something that shows at my job, this is something I'm very proud of. I work in a sphere which is very well paid, if you know how the things work, and of course if you're willing to break some sweat. The major problem in my life is the crushing loneliness I feel most of the time. During my school years I had friends, which didn't understand me. They couldn't, most of them were self-centered jerks anyway.
From an early age I was a sports type of person. I was a good swimmer and basketball player, in my spare time to this day I ride a bike and go to the gym. And no matter what I still feel alone, I guess all this talk that you feel part of something in competitive sport is just not true. To this day I haven't had a serious girlfriend, the one night only girls can't really count as such. Don't get me wrong, it's not about sex. I'm looking for a person who wants to know how I feel or how was my day, to ask me about my emotions....
My last girlfriend which I had for a month, nearly 2 years ago, one day told me how she loved me. Later the same night I heard she was blowing a guy at a birthday party she went, because he told her what a beautiful smile she has. That truly was something shocking to me, to see at first hand how hypocrite people can be. With the girls I knew, with the people I called friends it was always the same - no one was able to understand me or give a honeysuckle. I have 1 - 2 "real" friends, and very loving parents I can count on if I ever need help, but they can't understand me. If I tell them about my problems with loneliness, and that increasing feel that everything is meaningless they would tell me it's just a phase or it happens to everyone, and I'm not alone. But the sad truth is I am alone. I was able to complete all the goals I've set in my life to this point, and I'm still miserable.
Sometimes I think that luck has passed me by in terms of me being able to bond with people. Lately I'm going to bars, parties and other social events with people from my group in the university, and I see them all happy. And I got that idea in my head, that the smile I have on my face is just for show. That all this is meaningless, that maybe it's my destiny to be lonely. In this group of individuals I'm currently socializing with there were two girls that got my hopes up for a time. The first one told me she had a boyfriend before I even tried anything, I guess women have some kind of radar for this stuff. I'm talking about a second after I thought that this girl might be more than a person I know at school, she told me about her boyfriend. It's just bad luck. As for the second one - she is single, but I really don't care anymore, because I'm positive something will go wrong in the beginning.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I expected change in the new environment I'm in now, and there is none. People are the same, and it never seizes to amaze me how everyone around me are happy, and I'm doing all this stuff in my life ( school, work, sports) automatic. I don't care about anything right now, I had suicidal thoughts, it's not something I'm going to do in the near future, but still those thoughts are the depression talking. I was thinking going to a therapist, but in the end he'll tell me the same things I'm familiar with. After all you can't explain to a person who doesn't care what is the feeling laying in bed at 3 A.M. in the morning, staring at the ceiling, praying that in the morning you'll be able to meet a person who can understand you, someone to be lonely with.
My loneliness during the last few years granted me some positives anyway. I read a lot, watch a lot of movies, listen to music...., but it's still more of a burden that anything else. I tried to tackle that feeling, and be able to live with my loneliness, but at this point I'm still unable to. I can't even understand it completely.
The worst moments are when I'm somewhere and I'm in a good mood to certain point, in which something changes. I got this feeling like some hot water is being poured over my head, and I'm starting to feel empty inside, and extremely lonely, isolated. There is no specific thing that provokes this. An example is last week I was having a drink with a few people, just talking after a long day, one of them went to the bathroom. On the way back she saw some people she knew at a table close to ours, and she sat there. Before she went there we were discussing something, and she seemed to have a good time. After 5 minutes sitting on the other table, she came back and asked me to pass her a glass she was drinking, so she can transfer to the other table permanently. No one else on the other table seemed to care about this, but I felt like someone left my head in a microwave for too long, and I'm not even close with this girl.
It's hard when you have no one to talk about this things. Loneliness is a burden. In one of Ingmar Bergman movies I watched recently there was a theory about the last hours of Jesus. One character said that for him being on the cross wasn't the greatest pain he experienced, but the disappointment in his disciples who left him. His pain was not because of tge physical suffering. He just realized how alone he really was. I'm agnostic, but this really made me feel more attached to God than ever before. Maybe we're together in our loneliness, and in the same time alone with it.
Thanks, if you had the patience to read this, and excuse me for the grammatical errors, my first language is not english.
Most of you probably heard this famous quote from the movie "Taxi Driver", ironically it sums up my life to this moment. Soon I'll be 20 years, as a student in a prestigious university it was hard for me to reach the goals I did to this point in my life. In high school I finished at top of my class, on my graduation day everyone told me how they wanted to be like me, and the only thought thru my head was that I barely want to be like me.
As a child I was very shy, something I managed to overcome with the years passing. Today I'm not shy, and I think I can communicate with people, something that shows at my job, this is something I'm very proud of. I work in a sphere which is very well paid, if you know how the things work, and of course if you're willing to break some sweat. The major problem in my life is the crushing loneliness I feel most of the time. During my school years I had friends, which didn't understand me. They couldn't, most of them were self-centered jerks anyway.
From an early age I was a sports type of person. I was a good swimmer and basketball player, in my spare time to this day I ride a bike and go to the gym. And no matter what I still feel alone, I guess all this talk that you feel part of something in competitive sport is just not true. To this day I haven't had a serious girlfriend, the one night only girls can't really count as such. Don't get me wrong, it's not about sex. I'm looking for a person who wants to know how I feel or how was my day, to ask me about my emotions....
My last girlfriend which I had for a month, nearly 2 years ago, one day told me how she loved me. Later the same night I heard she was blowing a guy at a birthday party she went, because he told her what a beautiful smile she has. That truly was something shocking to me, to see at first hand how hypocrite people can be. With the girls I knew, with the people I called friends it was always the same - no one was able to understand me or give a honeysuckle. I have 1 - 2 "real" friends, and very loving parents I can count on if I ever need help, but they can't understand me. If I tell them about my problems with loneliness, and that increasing feel that everything is meaningless they would tell me it's just a phase or it happens to everyone, and I'm not alone. But the sad truth is I am alone. I was able to complete all the goals I've set in my life to this point, and I'm still miserable.
Sometimes I think that luck has passed me by in terms of me being able to bond with people. Lately I'm going to bars, parties and other social events with people from my group in the university, and I see them all happy. And I got that idea in my head, that the smile I have on my face is just for show. That all this is meaningless, that maybe it's my destiny to be lonely. In this group of individuals I'm currently socializing with there were two girls that got my hopes up for a time. The first one told me she had a boyfriend before I even tried anything, I guess women have some kind of radar for this stuff. I'm talking about a second after I thought that this girl might be more than a person I know at school, she told me about her boyfriend. It's just bad luck. As for the second one - she is single, but I really don't care anymore, because I'm positive something will go wrong in the beginning.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I expected change in the new environment I'm in now, and there is none. People are the same, and it never seizes to amaze me how everyone around me are happy, and I'm doing all this stuff in my life ( school, work, sports) automatic. I don't care about anything right now, I had suicidal thoughts, it's not something I'm going to do in the near future, but still those thoughts are the depression talking. I was thinking going to a therapist, but in the end he'll tell me the same things I'm familiar with. After all you can't explain to a person who doesn't care what is the feeling laying in bed at 3 A.M. in the morning, staring at the ceiling, praying that in the morning you'll be able to meet a person who can understand you, someone to be lonely with.
My loneliness during the last few years granted me some positives anyway. I read a lot, watch a lot of movies, listen to music...., but it's still more of a burden that anything else. I tried to tackle that feeling, and be able to live with my loneliness, but at this point I'm still unable to. I can't even understand it completely.
The worst moments are when I'm somewhere and I'm in a good mood to certain point, in which something changes. I got this feeling like some hot water is being poured over my head, and I'm starting to feel empty inside, and extremely lonely, isolated. There is no specific thing that provokes this. An example is last week I was having a drink with a few people, just talking after a long day, one of them went to the bathroom. On the way back she saw some people she knew at a table close to ours, and she sat there. Before she went there we were discussing something, and she seemed to have a good time. After 5 minutes sitting on the other table, she came back and asked me to pass her a glass she was drinking, so she can transfer to the other table permanently. No one else on the other table seemed to care about this, but I felt like someone left my head in a microwave for too long, and I'm not even close with this girl.
It's hard when you have no one to talk about this things. Loneliness is a burden. In one of Ingmar Bergman movies I watched recently there was a theory about the last hours of Jesus. One character said that for him being on the cross wasn't the greatest pain he experienced, but the disappointment in his disciples who left him. His pain was not because of tge physical suffering. He just realized how alone he really was. I'm agnostic, but this really made me feel more attached to God than ever before. Maybe we're together in our loneliness, and in the same time alone with it.
Thanks, if you had the patience to read this, and excuse me for the grammatical errors, my first language is not english.