Lately, I am quite depressed, more than I probably think I am, or maybe im just thinking over dramatically, this I do not know. This is partially because my life is slowly falling apart. I am losing the only thing that makes me happy and the only thing that I can look forward to in life, which is my band. Sometimes I wish I never got into such a dead genre of music where fans are as rare and finding a four leaf clover, even worse for girls who are into the music. I feel like I have to abandon this genre of music and go join the rest of the mainstream, just to be happy in life. I want to find a girl that loves the same kind of music that I do, so my love for playing music and metal is more clear to her than any other random person who think its just plain silliness that i'm in a band and convinces me to give it up for her. All I need is that, and for my band to get back together so we can continue to be on our way towards success, finish college so i could move out with a well paying job and ill be happy. But so far it looks like the only thing thats going to happen is the college and moving out part, so I can be even more alone in life. I feel like my loneliness just eats me alive at times, but its other times that I just don't care enough to let it get it me.
The other reason why I am depressed is because I don't know how I got this way, how long exactly ive had this depression, or if this is just simply all in my head and i cant help but be a bitchy drama queen. I am so emotionally weak and thats why I let everything get to me. Its like I just have a wall inside of my head that is just too weak and all these emotions and feelings just keep tearing through it like paper and just hurting me more every time. And the fact that I have no real friends or anyone that ever cares about me or pays any mind to me, or even acknowledges my existence also makes everything worse. I have realized this is most likely the reason why I cannot socialize to save my life, can't keep a simple conversation, and can't even express my thoughts or feelings properly in a way that people can understand, and fail each and every time in attempting to do so. I just don't know what to do anymore or make up my mind about anything. Its like I know all these things I want in life is going to happen because I deserve it cause i'm a good person, but then again I feel like it won't. I have NEVER gone as far to the point in cutting myself or trying to kill myself, nor can I ever see that happening, but I sure am suffering from a lot of loneliness.
The other reason why I am depressed is because I don't know how I got this way, how long exactly ive had this depression, or if this is just simply all in my head and i cant help but be a bitchy drama queen. I am so emotionally weak and thats why I let everything get to me. Its like I just have a wall inside of my head that is just too weak and all these emotions and feelings just keep tearing through it like paper and just hurting me more every time. And the fact that I have no real friends or anyone that ever cares about me or pays any mind to me, or even acknowledges my existence also makes everything worse. I have realized this is most likely the reason why I cannot socialize to save my life, can't keep a simple conversation, and can't even express my thoughts or feelings properly in a way that people can understand, and fail each and every time in attempting to do so. I just don't know what to do anymore or make up my mind about anything. Its like I know all these things I want in life is going to happen because I deserve it cause i'm a good person, but then again I feel like it won't. I have NEVER gone as far to the point in cutting myself or trying to kill myself, nor can I ever see that happening, but I sure am suffering from a lot of loneliness.
