darkshines
New member
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2011
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I'd say this is a frustrating situation. It's just my brain... it doesn't "hold on" to information the way it does for other people. I have to read things over and over and over just to get a basic idea, but never really grasp it. When I do the concepts I need to say/do what I need to always feel out of reach, like reaching for the remote that slipped through the couch, and by the time I reach it it's too late.
I've always been this way, since preschool. I've always been called the stupid one, the slow one, been cast out ended up in awkward situations, did horrible in school. I used to think I just had the worst luck, but part of me has always known it's because I have a mental condition that keeps me from learning the way others do.
It's one thing to be a complete moron that doesn't know he's stupid or lonely with the stereotypical "retarded happiness", it's another thing knowing I'm lonely, knowing I got a condition I can't seem to do anything about, and being reminded of that fact every time I fail at interacting with people on/above their level, consistently.
I know I'm not completely stupid though. I have a lot intelligent viewpoints on a lot of topics, I've been places, I've learned valuable lessons, I have interests, I do what I'm asked to do at work and a bit more, I write well, I have a sense of humor, I say some hysterical things from time to time. But it's just that's the way I'm perceived outside of work, too quiet, too boring, too "not with it". I'm quiet because there's just nothing really going on IN my head. My thought processes feel lke they're swimming in syrup, stagnated, dim. While at the same time all kinds of other thoughts are going on which I have no use for. It's distracting, keeps me from holding conversations, getting all my chores done. I just never feel the peace that is a calm, alert mind, which makes it so easy for them to just be with eachother. It feels genetic, eternal, and no medication, nootropic, supplement, therapy thus far has made a lasting impact. It is, by definition, a chemical imbalance and that's exactly what it feels like.
I've spent so much of my life fumbling around with "learning systems". Ways to memorize things that come up in conversations with people, sports, technology, interests, but it's a never ending process attempting to build up to all that. It just never completes. And no matter how familiar I am with a subject most people just have this relaxed mindstate that just can't be learned. Medications, supplements, nootropics, exercise, only make me slightly closer to "being normal" but I've never been just normal, able to excel at the rate that is expected by people.
It's another Friday and I'm sitting behind a computer by myself, contemplating going somewhere by myself. It's always been this way, everything I do, eating, working, sleeping, fun, I do it all alone. They're all too bored by me, or start off charmed by my good lucks and quickly realize just how subpar I am, or just float away. I can't even talk regularly with family members. I just wish I had the brain/genetics that most people seem to have, stable, consistently happy, not this roller coaster of shifting from stupid to less-stupid to depressed-stupid, to happy-stupid and back to stupid again. Even the lonely people here sound so much more functional than me. Maybe you can imagine what it's like for me "out there".
Well, there's my first post, and why I think I'm so alone.
I've always been this way, since preschool. I've always been called the stupid one, the slow one, been cast out ended up in awkward situations, did horrible in school. I used to think I just had the worst luck, but part of me has always known it's because I have a mental condition that keeps me from learning the way others do.
It's one thing to be a complete moron that doesn't know he's stupid or lonely with the stereotypical "retarded happiness", it's another thing knowing I'm lonely, knowing I got a condition I can't seem to do anything about, and being reminded of that fact every time I fail at interacting with people on/above their level, consistently.
I know I'm not completely stupid though. I have a lot intelligent viewpoints on a lot of topics, I've been places, I've learned valuable lessons, I have interests, I do what I'm asked to do at work and a bit more, I write well, I have a sense of humor, I say some hysterical things from time to time. But it's just that's the way I'm perceived outside of work, too quiet, too boring, too "not with it". I'm quiet because there's just nothing really going on IN my head. My thought processes feel lke they're swimming in syrup, stagnated, dim. While at the same time all kinds of other thoughts are going on which I have no use for. It's distracting, keeps me from holding conversations, getting all my chores done. I just never feel the peace that is a calm, alert mind, which makes it so easy for them to just be with eachother. It feels genetic, eternal, and no medication, nootropic, supplement, therapy thus far has made a lasting impact. It is, by definition, a chemical imbalance and that's exactly what it feels like.
I've spent so much of my life fumbling around with "learning systems". Ways to memorize things that come up in conversations with people, sports, technology, interests, but it's a never ending process attempting to build up to all that. It just never completes. And no matter how familiar I am with a subject most people just have this relaxed mindstate that just can't be learned. Medications, supplements, nootropics, exercise, only make me slightly closer to "being normal" but I've never been just normal, able to excel at the rate that is expected by people.
It's another Friday and I'm sitting behind a computer by myself, contemplating going somewhere by myself. It's always been this way, everything I do, eating, working, sleeping, fun, I do it all alone. They're all too bored by me, or start off charmed by my good lucks and quickly realize just how subpar I am, or just float away. I can't even talk regularly with family members. I just wish I had the brain/genetics that most people seem to have, stable, consistently happy, not this roller coaster of shifting from stupid to less-stupid to depressed-stupid, to happy-stupid and back to stupid again. Even the lonely people here sound so much more functional than me. Maybe you can imagine what it's like for me "out there".
Well, there's my first post, and why I think I'm so alone.
