Loners - Have you got a partner?

[confusedandalone]

I dont think that it should matter to be honest, whether or not you have lots of friends. you can count yourself lucky if you have a couple of close friends that you can rely on and often people who appear to have lots have just got aquaintances or are good at pretending and putting on a show. i think you have got low self esteem (as i have) and it is also down to circumstances ie how possible it is to meet people and how willing you are to try - and how open to different groups of people you are. if you feel you are a loner, and you have a partner who is not in your opinion, i would just make sure that they are in the relationship because you have similar values and genuinely like each other. as long as you are happy that they have 'lots of friends' and dont try to control them to make them into a 'loner' it should be ok.

 

[Oceanmist23]

to Oceanmist23
Long distance relationship is not what I meant. Have you think of living in the same city ? Personaly I think that if you are planing the real family (that is what serious relationships are need for) you can't live in separate cities.
I was talking about realy strong relationships.

Oh that's fair enough that you didn't mean a long distance relationship. We did live together for a year and a half, but the city we lived in was too expensive so we couldn't afford it and I had to move back home. I was also not happy living in a foreign country away from my family.
However, we have been together for over 5 years, and our relationship is far from weak. If it was weak, we would have ended it years ago.
We also have no intentions on starting a family. We do not want kids.
When my boyfriend gets his new work shift started we'll be seeing each other even more often than someone who works on an oil platform.
My landlord works offshore and he's in a serious and strong relationship. If he and his wife can do it, why can't my boyfriend and I?
Distance would never ruin what we have.

I do understand your question though, and I was still a loner when bf and I were living together. Our relationship has always been a healthy one. He's an extremely social person, has many friends and makes new friends easy. The loneliness feeling didn't go away when we lived together, it just hid itself when I was with him. When he went out with his friends my loneliness came back. I didn't have anyone to go out with. At times I would get annoyed that he was out having fun while I was stuck in the flat, but that's not his fault. He can't help the situation I'm in.
It's something I have to deal with, one way or another.

So it's perfectly possible to be in a healthy, serious and strong relationship where one person is social and the other one is a loner.
It all depends how much you love each other.

Also, what confusedandalone said before me ^^

 

[SunWeb]

to Oceanmist23

You don't want kids ? O_O Well, kids or not I think that someone who you care and who cares of you atleast wanted be together. Ofcourse I understand that feeling won't go just like that cuz of distance but you don't want to be in the "Elisabeth Turner's situation". Because long side distances would eventually lead to more lonelyness, I can tell it....I have seen it looking on friends's parents which were working most of time somewhere in the land of other country or in the sea. Besides if you don't have (and don't plan to have kids) nothing holds you from finding new job in new place.
And why didn't you go somewhere with him ? I am not saying you need to become his tale but maybe few times to go somewhere with his friends. Actually that is why you felt lonely even when he was around....he wasn't with you most of time. And if you want to find friend just go to some classes, painting maybe ? or people from your work ?

 

[Oceanmist23]

SunWeb, I'm gonna put this very simple.

My boyfriend and I are happy.

This is the last I have to say on this issue.

 

[SunWeb]

Had no intentions to hurt your feelings. Just told what I saw/see.

 

[Oceanmist23]

Had no intentions to hurt your feelings. Just told what I saw/see.

Ok so I haven't said the last on this issue lol.

Thank you for saying that, I know of course you had no intention to hurt my feelings.
I have to say I felt kinda threatened, how silly that sounds!

I don't think writing posts about my relationship will make anyone understand our situation.
It's something people would have to see for real life in order to understand what it's like.
I would say that applies to any relationship.

Anyway, I hope you're well and having a nice day, no hard feelings

 

[SunWeb]

Thanks, you too.

 

[suedehead42]

I broke up with my last partner of 3 years about 4 months ago, so at present I am single and not looking.

You can be lonely and be in a relationship because, I really felt that my other half, as much as I valued them, couldn't fill a gap that others could. Around them, I had to be on my best behavior lol.

I don't mean that promiscuously, but I think just knowing that others around you are out and about having a time, you tend to feel a little isolated (if not ticked off) with your partner- watching finding nemo for the 5 time.

Although that does not constitute as the definitive 'loneliness', since you are with someone else- yet the old ball and chain just felt like another division of myself and thus did not count

And I think that left me with a real sense of hubris, the pride before the fall with that relationship.

Blah

 

[badaboom]

its possible to be a "loner" and be in a relationship but i wouldn't recommend it because relationships are very temporary and if you become attached to the person and you rely on them for your happiness and something happens..you can have a serious emotional breakdown

 

[prd]

I am a loner and I have a girlfriend.
It was so hard to find her, and it is hard to keep it going. I work on shifts 6 days a week, and I need to be alone a lot to feel good.

Since we've been together I stopped going out with everyone else so I can see her at least twice a week (I don't have that much of a social circle to preserve so I think I'm ok keeping only a few contacts with Msn: if she leaves me I'd just be back to the usual loneliness which I'm used to, no big deal).
She lives with her sister, they often throw parties with friends and we also go out together with her other sisters and their husbands (it's a big family..). So I am somewhat integrated in her social life.

The problem arises when I've had enough of the world and I can't get my alone time, usually because of overwork, the night shifts or other impediments. I tend to push her away and consequently I feel guilty and undeserving, all the while she feels rejected. She is very sensitive and I can be blunt when I'm stressed. We don't have real arguments, we just end up very sad for the day.

My g.f. as a person is extremely "giving", she loves intensely, she sees life through pink lens... she didn't have the shitty family life that I had as an upbringing, quite the contrary. She thinks that love and goodwill can solve every problem, she believes in eternal love:| and all that romantic bs. She is also very sensitive, a little needy, and easily offended by my occasional cynical comments (my ideas on love, marriage etc. aren't exactly bright..). Maybe she thinks she wants to "save" me, I can only hope she isn't really so naive.

I've been a good man with her, we've been happy, but years are passing. I can't shake the feeling that in the end she is going to hurt herself by staying with me. I don't know what to do about it though._.

 

[wolfshadow]

No - but this is because I'm bonkers and in many ways have drifted beyond the point of no return as far as being involved in such conventions is concerned. Depressing but true I'm afraid.

Being a loner shouldn't be a reason by itself not to have a relationship though. When you consider the fathomless numbers of partnerships that have succumbed to domestic violence, infidelity, gambling, alcoholism and an assortment of other rifts caused by anti social behaviour, being a loner doesn't seem like quite such an awful quality to bring to the table.

 

[heretostay]

Just curious; can you be a 'loner' and still have a healthy romantic relationship with someone.

I am especially interested to hear from those who have partners which tend to have much better social lives then themselves.

i am a loner and my H is not. our relationship is highly dysfunctional and this is part of the issue. we are working towards a healthy relationship and if we ever get there i'll let you know.