• Please register and login and join us. Registered members may block ads while they are logged in.

Looking for advice on this situation

Help Support A LonelyLife forum:

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
I made this post elsewhere and only got a few responses, so I'm looking to get other insights.

So here it goes...


My gf (18) and I (19) have been together for 8 months, and around 6 of which she has been living with her sister and up until recently her sisters ex, as she was kicked out of her foster home. For around the last 2-3 months, we have been living together in that house, up until two weeks ago.

The sister kicked me out 'because of whats going on right now with the virus', which was a cover-up as she wanted to spend time with her ex before he moved out (which she told my gf later). It was then dictated by the sister that I wouldn't be coming back until this is all over. My parents are separated, one has let us stay over (only whilst my younger sisters weren't there), and one flat out doesn't even allow her over.

The likelihood of me going to my gf's house decreases every day (they just lost a pet), to the point I feel its personal. My gf and I both feel as if its her sisters way, or the highway. No discussion can even begin over any point or rule she makes in the house, despite the fact that they both pay equal rent and bills. A clear example is when the sister told her I am not allowed over anymore. My gf began to cry, and walked off to her room. As she was doing this, her sister walked behind her and criticised her for crying, and continued to lecture her. This is all despite the Victorian Governments (I live in Australia) ruling that they will make an exemption to the social distancing rules so that partners who don't live together are allowed to go and see each other.

I'm not really looking to get name-called again. Last time I was referred to as being selfish, self-centred, arrogant, etc. but I was highly emotional, and I don't think I worded it very well, in a way people didn't clearly see what I was asking, and probably saw it as a rant.

I know that this isn't my fight; it should be left to my gf and her sister. But it affects me (I've been experiencing a lot more negative emotion than I would usually, and its not good, I only just started attending therapy with a psychologist to work through a number of things) and it affects our relationship (intimacy, face-to-face interactions, spending time together, missing milestones etc.). I need advice as to what to do? Do I try and talk to the sister? Leave it to my girlfriend, providing support to her throughout discussions with her sister? Just accept that that's the way its gonna be? I just need some help.

(I am obviously more than happy to go further in detail in the comments if readers require it to formulate a response)
 

MissBehave

Cry Baby
Joined
May 24, 2019
Messages
1,302
Reaction score
21
Im sorry for the hard times you are having.
I think I would ask your gf what she wants you to do and what she needs. This is family business as im seing it, although it is affecting you too.
Just be there for your gf and offer support. <3
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
MissBehave said:
Im sorry for the hard times you are having.
I think I would ask your gf what she wants you to do and what she needs. This is family business as im seing it, although it is affecting you too.
Just be there for your gf and offer support. <3

Thankyou.

My gf is very hesitant to do anything just because it is family business (if it wasn't a family orientated situation, she would voice her concerns immediately), and she obviously knows her sister very well, and knows how she copes and deals with things. We were talking the other day, she said she'd talk to her sister, but she said she'd give it about a month or more (because of the loss of her sisters pet), and I'm just seeing my gf fall into worse and worse moods each day, and her becoming increasingly frustrated with her sister, which could lead to the deterioration of their relationship.
 

Finished

Member with Style
Joined
Mar 21, 2020
Messages
3,156
Reaction score
88
Location
Phoenix, AZ
Wow! That's more drama then the soap operas. All that's missing is the mom sleeping with the Ex-BF too! My advice is to back away from the situation and just enjoy the time you can with your GF. You are young. Enjoy your youth. Keep things simple. It's not your fight. Either the situation will clear up, you and your GF will find other accommodations together, or you'll find a new GF with a lot less family members. Ha! ha!
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
Finished said:
Wow! That's more drama then the soap operas. All that's missing is the mom sleeping with the Ex-BF too! My advice is to back away from the situation and just enjoy the time you can with your GF. You are young. Enjoy your youth. Keep things simple. It's not your fight. Either the situation will clear up, you and your GF will find other accommodations together, or you'll find a new GF with a lot less family members. Ha! ha!

Before this situation blew up to where it is right now, I was suggesting finding other accommodation together, as I could see it turning sour, and things between the sister and ex weren't good (there was constant fighting and violence between the two, and I wanted to get her out of that situation), but as we are both very young, no rental history (real estate was aware she was at the house, just not on the lease), and I was living at my parents so I obviously have no rental history, so we wrote it off as we thought we wouldn't be accepted in getting a place (and the sister told us we wouldn't, which I think was a way for her to get her sister to stay and do everything). 

Now more than ever I want the situation to clear up, or for us to find a rental (she now has rental history as she is on the new lease). I've never met someone so sweet and kind and caring as her, and I love her to bits, so they are the only two options I'm looking at.
 

TheRealCallie

Princess Pink Love
Joined
Oct 17, 2013
Messages
11,744
Reaction score
257
Location
My house
GF is not on the lease. Therefore, the home belongs to the sister and the sister makes the rules. Doesn't matter if GF pays rent and whatnot. Owner of the house/apartment makes the rules. You both should respect that.
Doesn't matter if it's fair, it's how things work. Welcome to the real world where you can't always get what you want.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
TheRealCallie said:
GF is not on the lease.  Therefore, the home belongs to the sister and the sister makes the rules.  Doesn't matter if GF pays rent and whatnot.  Owner of the house/apartment makes the rules.  You both should respect that.  
Doesn't matter if it's fair, it's how things work. Welcome to the real world where you can't always get what you want.

My gf is actually on the lease contract now. Yes, over a month ago, my girlfriend was not on the lease, so what you are saying applied then. Still doesn't mean you treat your own sister like shit and make her do everything whilst you sit back and do nothing.

Now my gf is on the lease, rules should be made on common ground between the two, not being created by one person, who is displaying her emotions through the house rules.
 

TheRealCallie

Princess Pink Love
Joined
Oct 17, 2013
Messages
11,744
Reaction score
257
Location
My house
Was there an issue with this before Coronavirus? From your other thread, it doesn't sound like it. If not, you just need to deal. The sister is likely having a hard time between the pandemic and her ex. It's not the end of the world. It's not like she's forcing you to break up. As for getting your own place, you didn't even try, as you said, so you don't know if you could have or not.
Besides, you should probably focus on getting yourself to a state that you can take care of yourself and pay bills and worry about the conceived injustice you think the sister is inflicting on you later. Sorry to be a bitch, but it's time to grow up and realize that you won't always get shit exactly the way you want it, exactly when you want it.
 

kaetic

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2012
Messages
1,226
Reaction score
37
Location
Ohio
Personally, I would not get in the middle of an argument between your girlfriend and her sister. There is no way that ends well for you. Listen if she needs to vent, but stay the heck out of it otherwise.

If you both want to find a place to live together, it would help if either one of you had a full-time job. From your other thread, I gather this is not the case. A landlord can look past a lack of rental history... But they do need you to be able to pay the rent. Before you go trying to "save" your girlfriend from her sister, you might want to make sure you aren't going to end up using her yourself, (unintentionally of course) by going and getting a job.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
TheRealCallie said:
Was there an issue with this before Coronavirus? 

Yes there was. I didn't highlight it in my last thread, I just became extremely emotional, and just went on a rant (I apologise about that).

So to clarify, my girlfriend left her foster house (she was 18 at the time, so she was out of care anyway) over issues the guardians were accusing her of, which were fake, and to me it sounded like they had been trying to get rid of her for a while. She moved into her sisters house in mid to late September. I wasn't allowed over until December, which was also the first time I stayed there. Not long after I began spending time there, alarm bells began to ring in my head; the dynamic in that house did not work sadly. Most of the time the ex just kept to himself, which was obviously fine, it was a situation he didn't want to be in, but had to until he found other accommodation. Issues mainly centred from the sister. Getting to know her, she is a very nice person, but can be quite self-centred I guess, she seems to get her way all the time. This ranged from my gf to do stuff for her, as my gf knew it wouldn't be done unless she did it, to waltzing into my gf's room and taking, using, and sometimes breaking her stuff, just because it was there, and she didn't have it herself (she often did this when my gf is at work, taking clothes, shoes, underwear, makeup, toiletries, electronics etc.) One day we came back and she was even wearing one of my tops! Hypocrisy is also a large thing. She on a number of occasions has lectured my gf on her needing to become more independent, whilst she is really not, she heavily relies on others to do things for her, assist her financially, and this is all coming back to her now as she has lost her income, and is solely relying on others to assist her, including my gf, who will be covering a lot of expenses within the house whilst she waits to receive welfare support. And she often does a lot of things that she wouldn't let my gf do.

The reason I wanna try and sort this out is because I can see how it's negatively impacting on my girlfriend. She isn't happy right now. That's not how family is supposed to work. Families are supposed to love each other and care for each other, not leach of siblings so you don't have to provide as much financially or in effort. And yeah, you could say I'm being a little bitch, moaning cause I haven't got my own way, obviously I'm not gonna see it that way. I see that I'm just trying to help out my gf, as I don't want her living in a place that causes distress and unhappiness, where she isn't allowed to have a say in how things run, even though she should, losing the idea of what family is even more. I want her to be living in a happy and healthy environment, and if that's moving out, so be it.
 

kaetic

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2012
Messages
1,226
Reaction score
37
Location
Ohio
mate02 said:
TheRealCallie said:
Was there an issue with this before Coronavirus? 

Yes there was. I didn't highlight it in my last thread, I just became extremely emotional, and just went on a rant (I apologise about that).

So to clarify, my girlfriend left her foster house (she was 18 at the time, so she was out of care anyway) over issues the guardians were accusing her of, which were fake, and to me it sounded like they had been trying to get rid of her for a while. She moved into her sisters house in mid to late September. I wasn't allowed over until December, which was also the first time I stayed there. Not long after I began spending time there, alarm bells began to ring in my head; the dynamic in that house did not work sadly. Most of the time the ex just kept to himself, which was obviously fine, it was a situation he didn't want to be in, but had to until he found other accommodation. Issues mainly centred from the sister. Getting to know her, she is a very nice person, but can be quite self-centred I guess, she seems to get her way all the time. This ranged from my gf to do stuff for her, as my gf knew it wouldn't be done unless she did it, to waltzing into my gf's room and taking, using, and sometimes breaking her stuff, just because it was there, and she didn't have it herself (she often did this when my gf is at work, taking clothes, shoes, underwear, makeup, toiletries, electronics etc.) One day we came back and she was even wearing one of my tops! Hypocrisy is also a large thing. She on a number of occasions has lectured my gf on her needing to become more independent, whilst she is really not, she heavily relies on others to do things for her, assist her financially, and this is all coming back to her now as she has lost her income, and is solely relying on others to assist her, including my gf, who will be covering a lot of expenses within the house whilst she waits to receive welfare support. And she often does a lot of things that she wouldn't let my gf do.

The reason I wanna try and sort this out is because I can see how it's negatively impacting on my girlfriend. She isn't happy right now. That's not how family is supposed to work. Families are supposed to love each other and care for each other, not leach of siblings so you don't have to provide as much financially or in effort. And yeah, you could say I'm being a little bitch, moaning cause I haven't got my own way, obviously I'm not gonna see it that way. I see that I'm just trying to help out my gf, as I don't want her living in a place that causes distress and unhappiness, where she isn't allowed to have a say in how things run, even though she should, losing the idea of what family is even more. I want her to be living in a happy and healthy environment, and if that's moving out, so be it.

The thing is, it's not up to you to save her. The choice belongs to your girl friend of what she wants to do. She's going to have to decide that she's had enough on her own. And I'd suggest you aren't pressuring her at the same time she's figuring this out, it will likely backfire on you.
You both are young. Do you have no other plans? College/University whatever you call it there? It's a lot harder when you have to work full-time and go to school at the same time.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
kaetic said:
Personally, I would not get in the middle of an argument between your girlfriend and her sister. There is no way that ends well for you. Listen if she needs to vent, but stay the heck out of it otherwise.

If you both want to find a place to live together, it would help if either one of you had a full-time job. From your other thread, I gather this is not the case. A landlord can look past a lack of rental history... But they do need you to be able to pay the rent. Before you go trying to "save" your girlfriend from her sister, you might want to make sure you aren't going to end up using her yourself, (unintentionally of course) by going and getting a job.

I've offered my support throughout this, each time she wants to vent I listen, and provide advice. In this time, I haven't said anything to the sister about it, and won't, unless my gf asks for support in talking to her sister, or mediating something.

I receive welfare support, so if my gf and I secure an apartment, we will both receive rental assistance. Due to her history of foster care, she can apply to receive assistance with covering bond. She also has a casual job in which she works 10-15 hours a week, sometimes more, and also receives welfare support, a lot more than I do. As we live in a rural area, rent on one bed apartments is very cheap, beginning from around $160 AUD a week.

I had been attempting to gain a job, before the virus, but now a lot of businesses are closed indefinitely, due to them being deemed non-essential, and a lot of other places will not, and are not looking to hire due to the lack of demand (except for supermarkets, which have already done a large round of hiring, and I applied, but wasn't asked in for an interview, never informed as to why). I am trying to talk to a few employers, but the likelihood of securing a job now is very slim.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
kaetic said:
The thing is, it's not up to you to save her. The choice belongs to your girl friend of what she wants to do. She's going to have to decide that she's had enough on her own. And I'd suggest you aren't pressuring her at the same time she's figuring this out, it will likely backfire on you.
You both are young. Do you have no other plans? College/University whatever you call it there? It's a lot harder when you have to work full-time and go to school at the same time.

I haven't pressured my girlfriend during all this. When we fall into a discussion on this, I let her do a majority of the talking, let her go through what has happen so I can understand the situation and how she is feeling, and she's absolutely fed up with it, no doubt in my mind. When I do make comments during our discussion, I make sure that I word it very well, not to offend anyone, and I often find myself asking her if I'm overstepping or going too far in the comments I make. She sees she has to do something about this situation, but is hesitant about doing so because its her sister, and her sister is hurting right now, so my gf is falling apart because of the way things are, but she's copping it on the chin cause her sister isn't doing great. If this was not a family member, this thread wouldn't exist cause she would have told them how she felt, very abruptly, from day one.

She plans to do a TAFE course on community services, from what we last discussed on studying, and I'm planning to become a real estate agent, so there is a short course, which I believe can be done through a real estate company, to gain an agents representative licence, which allows you to operate under a fully licenced real estate agent.
 

kaetic

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2012
Messages
1,226
Reaction score
37
Location
Ohio
mate02 said:
kaetic said:
The thing is, it's not up to you to save her. The choice belongs to your girl friend of what she wants to do. She's going to have to decide that she's had enough on her own. And I'd suggest you aren't pressuring her at the same time she's figuring this out, it will likely backfire on you.
You both are young. Do you have no other plans? College/University whatever you call it there? It's a lot harder when you have to work full-time and go to school at the same time.

I haven't pressured my girlfriend during all this. When we fall into a discussion on this, I let her do a majority of the talking, let her go through what has happen so I can understand the situation and how she is feeling, and she's absolutely fed up with it, no doubt in my mind. When I do make comments during our discussion, I make sure that I word it very well, not to offend anyone, and I often find myself asking her if I'm overstepping or going too far in the comments I make. She sees she has to do something about this situation, but is hesitant about doing so because its her sister, and her sister is hurting right now, so my gf is falling apart because of the way things are, but she's copping it on the chin cause her sister isn't doing great. If this was not a family member, this thread wouldn't exist cause she would have told them how she felt, very abruptly, from day one.

She plans to do a TAFE course on community services, from what we last discussed on studying, and I'm planning to become a real estate agent, so there is a short course, which I believe can be done through a real estate company, to gain an agents representative licence, which allows you to operate under a fully licenced real estate agent.

Does she have other family? Because I'm wondering if part of her hesitation is that she was in foster care, suggesting she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents and now, although you may not think that you're pressuring her... She may feel as though she's being forced to pick between her asshole sister (and sisters are always assholes, I AM and have one myself) and her boyfriend. And I'm just trying to warn you that if you get what you want... There's a good chance she'll come to resent you for for it... Depending on how it goes. If her sister is her only family, she might not want to just write her off... No matter what she's telling you.

But it does sound like she's asking you to be patient, so be patient.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
kaetic said:
Does she have other family? Because I'm wondering if part of her hesitation is that she was in foster care, suggesting she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents and now, although you may not think that you're pressuring her... She may feel as though she's being forced to pick between her asshole sister (and sisters are always assholes, I AM and have one myself) and her boyfriend. And I'm just trying to warn you that if you get what you want... There's a good chance she'll come to resent you for for it... Depending on how it goes. If her sister is her only family, she might not want to just write her off... No matter what she's telling you.

But it does sound like she's asking you to be patient, so be patient.

Umm, well she has a mum, the relationship between the two is only picking up at the moment, as she has been getting sober. Her dad died when she was 7, she has no real contact with her three younger siblings (more that she really doesn't want to), and the middle sister between her and the one she's living with, she wants no real contact with, due to her mental state, as she isn't seeking help and is refusing to seek help, and this is being furthered by the heavy drug use, and abuse of their mother.

As I said, I try to be very careful with what I say to her in regards to the topic, always asking if I'm overstepping, and have asked if I'm pressuring her, and she's said everything I'm saying is fine.
 

mate02

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
14
Reaction score
0
BIG UPDATE

So my girlfriend just talked with her sister, asking if it was fine is we could go and stay in a hotel for the weekend (as we can't stay anywhere else right now). She said 'I don't know', and my gf had just had enough. She said something along the lines of 'but you get to do what you want, when you want, and I can't. When are you gonna treat my like a person and not like your child?' After that, the sister basically folded over and said she didn't give a shit what my gf did. She then went on to comment about the situation between myself and my parents, saying I need to stand up to my parents (wasn't specific to anything from my understanding, but she knows all about the situation between me and my parents, and my dad, gf and I had a conversation about the situation between my gf and her sister). My gf came back and said 'funny, that's what his parents said I need to do to you', and she cracked the shits even more. She said that she saw no problem with the way she was treating my gf, and same with the way she was talking to her. I said that no one is gonna realise the way they are treating or speaking to someone is bad until they are shown what they have been doing, but my girlfriend is not confident at all that her sister is ever gonna see what she's doing, and how that's impacting her.
 

TheRealCallie

Princess Pink Love
Joined
Oct 17, 2013
Messages
11,744
Reaction score
257
Location
My house
I'm sorry, but you all need to start worry about your damn selves. Your individual selves. You're all acting like spoiled children throwing temper tantrums.
 

Latest posts

Top