Me, Myself, and I...

[Nolife Princess]

Hi,
This is a read about me and my sickness. I simply wanted to share with y'all how I came to this place in my life.
I hope not to bore anyone. please know that is not my intention. and forgive me if I am posting a no-no thread.
I am not asking for advice, nor trying to offer any advice.. just sharing what my life is like, how my sickness works, and how it has lead me to be lonely and frustrated in my daily life.
Here we go.

In 2006 I was watching a movie..... "In her shoes" and the movie was not particular 'great' or of wonderment .. it was entertaining, and kept me busy for an hour or so.... anyways at the end of the movie there is a scene where the character reads a poem "E.E Cummings" called "I carry your heart" and for what ever reason, that poem set me off, I cried, and cried, cried, cried.. and went into a deep 'depression'
I could barely work, I wouldn't eat.. I didn't go out, and was just miserable.
I finally called the DR, and made appt to get myself checked out.. to make this a bit shorter.. at that point 3 Doctors later (Psychiatrist) after a couple of test , I was diagnosed with being Bi-Polar.. and several months into that (More doctors, therapy, and medications) I was also diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, and OCD, of course depression goes with the down part of bi-polar. Bi-polar is hereditary, and my mother and grandmother was diagnosed bi-polar also. (years before me of course)

How my sickness works.
Being Bi-polar is a pain in the arse! because I can never be on an even keel. I am always having severe mood swings. and it happens at no given moment.. just does what it wants to do. (I have no control over it)
With my sickness, I go through highs and lows. and either, or, can last for a day to 6 months .. and it comes as fast as it goes, rapid cycling is the correct name for it.

When I am going through a 'high' (Mania) these are my symptoms:

Euphoria
Inflated self-esteem
Poor judgment
Rapid speech (and sign)
Racing thoughts
Aggressive behavior
Agitation or irritation
Increased physical activity
Risky behavior
Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
Increased sex drive ( my hubby seems to like this one!)
Decreased need for sleep (I can go up to 3 days with no sleep)
Easily distracted
Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
Frequent absences from work or school
Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
Poor performance at work or school

And when I am on a low (depressive).. this is what I go through:

Sadness
Hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Anxiety
Guilt
Sleep problems
Low appetite or increased appetite
Fatigue
Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
Problems concentrating
Irritability
Chronic pain without a known cause
Frequent absences from work or school
Poor performance at work or school

I am on medications, and they do help me.. but it is not a cure all.. I still suffer symptoms, and I still go through hell. just not as often, and not as bad.
A side symptom of being sick (for me) is loneliness.. because when I am on a 'down' I feel completely alone, because I isolate myself from the world.
When I first joined a lonely life, I felt completely lonely, and was seeking love, and acceptance from my peers.

As you can probably tell, I am on a high now.. and have been for a while. ( so for now, I am OK- but I fear that 'low' to come, as it is inevitable.

Ok, so that's about it.. Sorry this is long.. but I wanted to share in hopes that y'all will understand me (and the sickness) better.

Here is the poem:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings ~


Love
-me

 

[blackdot]

I unfortunately know all too well what bi-polar is. *sighs*

 

[Masson]

At least you have a high , if I get into that mood 1 day once 1-2 months its allot.

 

[LoneKiller]

Same with me. That's a small part of what my meds treat.