Message I've received from last botched attempt

[BlueArtist]

Well good friend that I truely cared about.

A while ago she broke of the friendship because:

1. Asking her how she was doing and if everything is ok = Invasion of her privacy

2. Caring about her but also having romantic feelings towards her = Can't have both, it is either one of the two but can't have both

3. Talking to her asking about her likes and dislikes = Trying to analise her, aparently a no-go too

4. Being friends one isn't allowed to have hope for something more than just friends further down the line.

I'm tired and depleted, physical and emotionally, after 23 years of searching. Seems no matter what I do when I fall for someone it is always wrong. Time I throw in the towel and just keep moving by myself.

 

[VanillaCreme]

For number two, you can have both. I don't know what's going through her mind; Perhaps she just didn't want to be more than a friend to you - and if that was the case, she should have just told you that. But you can have both. I find it hard to be romantic with someone and not care for them. That's like having the macaroni without the cheese. Sounds like she just wanted to find a way to brush you off instead of being honest.

 

[DesertWolf]

Sounds like you've been searching in the wrong places, or using the wrong search criteria. Sorry you're hurting, but please don't give up... You've still got plenty of time to find someone you can get along with.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but she is clearly not interested in even friendship with you. Some women would be open to that.

Better luck next time.

 

[BlueArtist]

Thanks all for the encouraging words, but at this stage I really just can see or believe anymore that there could be anybody out there for me, time for me to come back to the real world and realise I am who I am.

I'm tired of constantly having to hear the old wives tail of: "Every pot have it's lid"
Well I feel like a old rusted bucket that stands next to the outhouse and every now and then someone stumbles over it in the dark, swear and kick a few more dents and holes in it.

 

[DesertWolf]

Thanks all for the encouraging words, but at this stage I really just can see or believe anymore that there could be anybody out there for me, time for me to come back to the real world and realise I am who I am.

I'm tired of constantly having to hear the old wives tail of: "Every pot have it's lid"
Well I feel like a old rusted bucket that stands next to the outhouse and every now and then someone stumbles over it in the dark, swear and kick a few more dents and holes in it.

How many relationships have you tried so far?

 

[BlueArtist]

How many relationships have you tried so far?

I've stoped counting at 50 attempts.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I have a few questions.

Well good friend that I truely cared about.

A while ago she broke of the friendship because:

1. Asking her how she was doing and if everything is ok = Invasion of her privacy

2. Caring about her but also having romantic feelings towards her = Can't have both, it is either one of the two but can't have both

3. Talking to her asking about her likes and dislikes = Trying to analise her, aparently a no-go too

4. Being friends one isn't allowed to have hope for something more than just friends further down the line.

First thing I wondered reading these was, how often did you ask her #1? What was her response? Did you pry further? I had a friend who had romantic interest in me, When she'd ask me I'd just tell her fine. That wasn't good enough for her so she's ask again or try to pry further which was very irritating.

#2 - Like Vanilla said, you can have both but if she wasn't interested she should have told you from the start, if she did you just back off and keep her friendship, if not and she lead you on that's just wrong.

#3 - Did you analyze her likes and dislikes though? Sometimes people do that unconsciously, a person might say, I don't like X and then you end up saying, well you know why you probably don't like X or trying to dig into their brain to figure out why they don't like X.

#4 - This all depends on the person. If they have no romantic interest, you can't hope they will change their mind down the road. This happened to me, it destroyed a childhood friendship.

I'm asking these things to know more of the story, to help figure out why you seem to feel you keep botching these things up.

 

[BlueArtist]

I have a few questions.

First thing I wondered reading these was, how often did you ask her #1? What was her response? Did you pry further? I had a friend who had romantic interest in me, When she'd ask me I'd just tell her fine. That wasn't good enough for her so she's ask again or try to pry further which was very irritating.

#2 - Like Vanilla said, you can have both but if she wasn't interested she should have told you from the start, if she did you just back off and keep her friendship, if not and she lead you on that's just wrong.

#3 - Did you analyze her likes and dislikes though? Sometimes people do that unconsciously, a person might say, I don't like X and then you end up saying, well you know why you probably don't like X or trying to dig into their brain to figure out why they don't like X.

#4 - This all depends on the person. If they have no romantic interest, you can't hope they will change their mind down the road. This happened to me, it destroyed a childhood friendship.

I'm asking these things to know more of the story, to help figure out why you seem to feel you keep botching these things up.

1. I phoned her once a month and we chatted for hours. He Godfather died 2 days after Christmas and she send me a text to let me know. I responded with an e-mail saying how sorry I am for her loss. The following week I send a message that I was thinking of her and the week after that I asked how she and the family was doing. Always 1 message or mail a week unless I send a funny mail to all my friends that I have received.

2. She never said she wasn't interested in me at all just that she wasn't ready for any commitment 6 months ago since she then broke up with her previous boyfriend. I visited her twice since then when I was in the area on holiday and we spend a whole day together each time. She took me to lunch and showing me around town all the cool places, she was the one that told me that she was having a ruff time coping with everything that was happening in her life . We met up again after that again when she was up in my town on business, she let me know she was in town and we should meet up for coffee and lunch

3. I respected her decisions, likes and dislikes and never asked her why she didn't like it or try to tell her why she should like something. Many things we were similar in likes and dislikes.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Thanks for replying. You weren't pushy or anything so it seems like she has a hard time letting people in or get too close to her.

 

[BlueArtist]

And the worst part, this was the first time I felt that things was really going well and also the first time I could just talk to a women and not run out of stuff to talk about. Before women stop talking to me after 2 weeks or never again after the 1st date.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . time for me to come back to the real world and realise I am who I am.

Do that, and you'll come across someone who appreciates and likes you for who you are. I really believe that good things come to those who wait.

 

[BlueArtist]

Well I've decided that this time round I'm not going to mope around the house for 6 months again because of a failed attempt. I made the jump and decided to try the online dating thing, this time I broaden my search to include people a city over +- 45min to an hour's drive away. Already have a few prospective ladies that I'm talking to 1 in particular is standing out at the moment but I will not jump to conclusions just yet. Now I just need to be able to initiate meaning full conversations and see where it goes.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Good for you.

 

[sentiententity]

BlueArtist, she sounded flaky. Best not waste time on women who don't really value your friendship. Best wishes with the online dating. There will be an AMPLE amount of flaky women through that so you'll have some sorting to do.

 

[BlueArtist]

Oh well, the online dating thing didn't go well. No one in my close proximity, and the ones that are fairly close to where I'm living are all just interested in how much money you earn, want you to be super ambitious, one should look like a greek god and want you to be able to travel the world.

So in the end I had to make a decision, I'm tired, I will just have to go on by myself for the rest of my life and grow old by myself.

I'm tired of feeling that I'm not good enough for anybody and that I'm not wanted. This weekend I went to the theatre to watch "Phantom of the Opera" and I felt out of place because every where I look are happy couples, young and old. And yet again here I sit in the darkness of the theatre all by myself.

 

[Sci-Fi]

At least you gave it a go, too bad you came across nothing but "gold diggers", that's sad. Seems like some of the people that sign up on those dating sites, are doing so just to find themselves someone who makes money to keep them. Pathetic really. I feel more sorry for them. A lot of us might be lonely but imagine what it must be like to base your love on money instead of actual caring feelings. You can hold your head up high because you are looking for more, something real, not something fake.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sci fi, you know when the girl wanted to know more than the response of fine. She probably see it as an attempt by you to block her from further knowing her. How would you feel if you asked a question and got a one word response. She was trying to get you to open up.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I don't quite get what you mean Sophia, I was just responding to Blue's post above mine. I didn't say anything about someone getting one word answers or see that in Blue's post.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't quite get what you mean Sophia, I was just responding to Blue's post above mine. I didn't say anything about someone getting one word answers or see that in Blue's post.

I was esponding to your post