Mother knows best?

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Medicine has been turned upside down since COVID-19. That's a field that, because it is on the front line, will probably take substantially longer to return to fully normal operations again. She's probably trying to make sure you get the urgency that you need.

But at the same time, overly controlling parents can be very frustrating.
You should be able to be your own person without her input, or at the very least have her on standby for when you do need her to take the reigns.
But other than that she should just let you be.
To be there for guidance and when you need her help, but to let you be otherwise.

You are not immature for not having the tools or skills by a certain age just because other people develop those tools or skills at that age. That has no bearing on your maturity, other than your direct and immediate influence with it. Driving a car is a great example of this, actually. Dozens of people or more don't learn to drive until they are well into their 20s, some not until their 30s. That does not make them immature for not being able to drive when everyone else learned to drive in their late teens, it makes them lack the knowledge to drive and the experience of driving, but it does not have a reflection on maturity. It effects comprehension of those tools and skills, that is all. You cannot understand what you do not yet understand. If you want to though, you can choose to learn those things for yourself. "I" have no college degree, for example. Most of the things that I know I either learned from experiencing them, or from teaching myself willingly.

 

[okidoke]

Medicine has been turned upside down since COVID-19. That's a field that, because it is on the front line, will probably take substantially longer to return to fully normal operations again. She's probably trying to make sure you get the urgency that you need.

But at the same time, overly controlling parents can be very frustrating.
You should be able to be your own person without her input, or at the very least have her on standby for when you do need her to take the reigns.
But other than that she should just let you be.
To be there for guidance and when you need her help, but to let you be otherwise.

You are not immature for not having the tools or skills by a certain age just because other people develop those tools or skills at that age. That has no bearing on your maturity, other than your direct and immediate influence with it. Driving a car is a great example of this, actually. Dozens of people or more don't learn to drive until they are well into their 20s, some not until their 30s. That does not make them immature for not being able to drive when everyone else learned to drive in their late teens, it makes them lack the knowledge to drive and the experience of driving, but it does not have a reflection on maturity. It effects comprehension of those tools and skills, that is all. You cannot understand what you do not yet understand. If you want to though, you can choose to learn those things for yourself. "I" have no college degree, for example. Most of the things that I know I either learned from experiencing them, or from teaching myself willingly.

Edit - sorry, I reread what you wrote and perhaps I took it in not how you intended but I’ll leave my reply as I wrote it below.

I disagree with how you’ve described maturity. Sure it’s not based on skill level and tool use, but how one grasps certain concepts and makes decisions based on sound reasoning and foreseeable outcomes. Of course, there are different layers to maturity to be specific; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Physical is out of our hands (normally), but the others usually require the input, at least, of other people whether by influence, teaching or setting an example. This is learned behaviour of course. If one doesn’t reach a certain level as an adult, a level that still requires another person to make judgement calls, informed decisions, etc, then yes, that person could be called immature. Sure they might actually want someone else to do all that for them, so they could be just acting immature, which perhaps could itself be immature behaviour.

I’m sure from the way you have presented on this forum @CenotaphGirl that you are indeed not immature, that if your mother wasn’t present you could weigh up all the medical info and make a decision. Parents like to think their kids are immature, for various reasons.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

nm

 

[okidoke]

……... Try to fight back, and you'll be met with an overwhelming resistance that can not be overcome……….

Why do you say it can’t be overcome? Don’t people estrange themselves from their family regularly when things get too much to handle?

 

[okidoke]

nm

Or maybe you meant “win them over to your way of thinking”?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Medicine has been turned upside down since COVID-19. That's a field that, because it is on the front line, will probably take substantially longer to return to fully normal operations again. She's probably trying to make sure you get the urgency that you need.

But at the same time, overly controlling parents can be very frustrating.
You should be able to be your own person without her input, or at the very least have her on standby for when you do need her to take the reigns.
But other than that she should just let you be.
To be there for guidance and when you need her help, but to let you be otherwise.

You are not immature for not having the tools or skills by a certain age just because other people develop those tools or skills at that age. That has no bearing on your maturity, other than your direct and immediate influence with it. Driving a car is a great example of this, actually. Dozens of people or more don't learn to drive until they are well into their 20s, some not until their 30s. That does not make them immature for not being able to drive when everyone else learned to drive in their late teens, it makes them lack the knowledge to drive and the experience of driving, but it does not have a reflection on maturity. It effects comprehension of those tools and skills, that is all. You cannot understand what you do not yet understand. If you want to though, you can choose to learn those things for yourself. "I" have no college degree, for example. Most of the things that I know I either learned from experiencing them, or from teaching myself willingly.

I think my mum did a good job, at first.. but because it went easy she felt like she wasnt being listened to and went overboard.

I’m disappointed in myself, I read @TropicalStarfish response and I really liked it as I agree I have been trained to be helpless its almost my whole personality. But when I am supposed to act adult and how can I? I do feel bound to my limitations.

Edit - sorry, I reread what you wrote and perhaps I took it in not how you intended but I’ll leave my reply as I wrote it below.

I disagree with how you’ve described maturity. Sure it’s not based on skill level and tool use, but how one grasps certain concepts and makes decisions based on sound reasoning and foreseeable outcomes. Of course, there are different layers to maturity to be specific; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Physical is out of our hands (normally), but the others usually require the input, at least, of other people whether by influence, teaching or setting an example. This is learned behaviour of course. If one doesn’t reach a certain level as an adult, a level that still requires another person to make judgement calls, informed decisions, etc, then yes, that person could be called immature. Sure they might actually want someone else to do all that for them, so they could be just acting immature, which perhaps could itself be immature behaviour.

I’m sure from the way you have presented on this forum @CenotaphGirl that you are indeed not immature, that if your mother wasn’t present you could weigh up all the medical info and make a decision. Parents like to think their kids are immature, for various reasons.

Thanks I am very different online lol way more assertive, I guess at first I considered it practice but now I consider it a dream of how I want to be vs who I am… timid and ridiculous

 

[okidoke]

……..But when I am supposed to act adult and how can I? I do feel bound to my limitations.
…………..but now I consider it a dream of how I want to be vs who I am… timid and ridiculous

Hmmm, well, since you’re actually an adult, you should be behaving like an adult all the time (except if you indulge in those fetish role plays I guess) and it shouldn’t be an act, but to answer “how” that is more difficult, but I guess you have to learn from others, other who lead by good example, get professional help maybe to determine you limitations and how to overcome them. There are courses of course that can help with assertiveness and courage etc. These are choices only you can make of course. When it gets too much, the choices ultimately have to be made.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Hmmm, well, since you’re actually an adult, you should be behaving like an adult all the time (except if you indulge in those fetish role plays I guess) and it shouldn’t be an act, but to answer “how” that is more difficult, but I guess you have to learn from others, other who lead by good example, get professional help maybe to determine you limitations and how to overcome them. There are courses of course that can help with assertiveness and courage etc. These are choices only you can make of course. When it gets too much, the choices ultimately have to be made.

When I was a kid I used to think you hit 18, and suddenly you are able to say what you want, articulate yourself well and handle confrontations, I used to think thats it you act like an adult…

Now I think… ugh if only life actually worked like that

 

[okidoke]

When I was a kid I used to think you hit 18, and suddenly you are able to say what you want, articulate yourself well and handle confrontations, I used to think thats it you act like an adult…

Now I think… ugh if only life actually worked like that

18 is such an arbitrary number. Especially when it’s been shown that the brains keep developing until about 25. Of course 18 is just a legal boundary in some places, which obviously varies from place to place, and is contradictory in places too, like for voting, drinking alcohol, driving a car, flying a plane, facing criminal charges and so on and so forth. The timing of the education system upon children sets the timeline in most places, but circumstances will mature some people much faster than others, and mature in different ways as well.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Edit - sorry, I reread what you wrote and perhaps I took it in not how you intended but I’ll leave my reply as I wrote it below.

I disagree with how you’ve described maturity. Sure it’s not based on skill level and tool use, but how one grasps certain concepts and makes decisions based on sound reasoning and foreseeable outcomes. Of course, there are different layers to maturity to be specific; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Physical is out of our hands (normally), but the others usually require the input, at least, of other people whether by influence, teaching or setting an example. This is learned behaviour of course. If one doesn’t reach a certain level as an adult, a level that still requires another person to make judgement calls, informed decisions, etc, then yes, that person could be called immature. Sure they might actually want someone else to do all that for them, so they could be just acting immature, which perhaps could itself be immature behaviour.

I’m sure from the way you have presented on this forum @CenotaphGirl that you are indeed not immature, that if your mother wasn’t present you could weigh up all the medical info and make a decision. Parents like to think their kids are immature, for various reasons.

Parents also like to line their children up to inherit responsibilities that they themselves undertook totally disregarding that their child is their own cognitive and sentient being with its own thoughts, feelings and narratives. And the way I came to that conclusion, was through social deconstructionism. I just reverse-engineered it, that's all. Granted, I'm able to do that because, well, True Story Time: A couple years back, me, my father and my grandfather were all in the garage having a couple of beers and they asked me: "Hey, when are you gonna settle down, get married and have kids?" And I said to the both of them: "If you could redo your life, would you again also settle down, get married and have kids?" The two gentlemen starkly sat in silence for a moment, looked at each other in a pause, looked back at me, and both of them said at the same time: "No." And so I replied: "Well then, I rest my case."

I think my mum did a good job, at first.. but because it went easy she felt like she wasnt being listened to and went overboard.

I’m disappointed in myself, I read @TropicalStarfish response and I really liked it as I agree I have been trained to be helpless its almost my whole personality. But when I am supposed to act adult and how can I? I do feel bound to my limitations.


Thanks I am very different online lol way more assertive, I guess at first I considered it practice but now I consider it a dream of how I want to be vs who I am… timid and ridiculous

Yeah, that's kind of what I was getting at.
I've seen it happen.
I have a small handful of childhood friends whose parents financially owned them well into their college years. How we came to be friends in the first place actually, was that all of our parents are messed up people, they're just messed up in different ways than each other. Whereas my parents are messed up because they have no money and minimal aspiration, their parents are messed up because they had too much money and wanted too much control. To the point to where my friends had cars and condos owned by their parents so they wouldn't have to fight to pay for it themselves and just paid them a fraction of the payment costs, but also would use that upper hand advantage to try to control and dictate what they would do and how they would live their lives.
In one particular instance, one of my friends who was set up like that, his parents had a college fund for him set aside for that time period in his life. However, his parents divorced because they couldn't stand being married to each other anymore. So when he asked about the college fund and how the money got split up in the divorce, they told him "it's gone." So all of the sudden and out of nowhere he got hit with the whole football fields worth of bills AND college debt he had to pay back all at the same time, and he wasn't even in grad school yet. So yeah, he's like "You guys messed me," and basically doesn't talk to either of his parents anymore, and quite frankly I don't blame him. Thankfully, he did push all the way through getting his phD, but now he's got a wife, a kid, and a mortgage so I mean, kind of right back again. I asked him about it though and he says that the difference is that it's more of a stress that he's willing to have because he loves his wife, his son and his home enough to deal with it, as opposed to just being under his parents thumb.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I do feel bound to my limitations.

Limitations are only an illusion, most of the time. Are you REALLY limited or is it just that that's how it's always been, so you go with the flow? If you can be more assertive online, you can 100% be that way offline. It just takes practice. Start small. Stand your ground on something minor that won't really have any consequences. Like say mom says "bring brownies to the dinner" Bring cake instead.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say your mom took control before you were an adult too, right? Back when she legally could because as a minor, the parent has the final decision. You aren't a minor anymore. It could be good to have mom there because...again I assume...she's more experienced in this area. BUT, she has to learn that while she should ONLY insert herself if you forget to ask something or you overlook something important. Changing the date of when it happens? NO, it's YOUR schedule, not hers, YOU know when you are free and open to do it. Or saying no to something that you wanted? Again NO, it's YOUR body, not hers, you decide.

Here's a suggestion. And I'll admit I have no idea if this will work for you or not, but I'm going to throw it out there. What about writing down what you want and handing him the paper? Can you email your doctor and express to him that way what you would like or hell, even make an appointment with him and don't tell your mom. Go alone and talk to him, just talk, you don't have to make any final decisions when you see him, but I think you owe it to yourself to make sure you get exactly what you want because it is YOUR body. YOU are the one that's going to have to live with whatever it is on a daily basis.

I still think maybe you should talk this over with your guy and have him be your advocate. You said yourself, he would be better for that. If he really cares about you, whatever it is, he will accept. He may have some questions, but be honest with him.

 

[MrLonely86]

I will just comment title:

" Mother knows best? "

Noup. Best friend knows best.

 

[Kar]

What is the surgery? Something your mom has had or has experience with? Generally, like everyone else - and the doctor - it is ultimately your choice. I would also add many times parents and others for that matter mean well and don't know how they are coming across so you can tell your mom to back off. I once brought my older brother with me to a doctor, and it was a really bad idea. He and the doctor got off on the wrong foot and in seconds were arguing about me with me right there. That was the last time my brother came along. I found it better to see the doctor, ask my questions, then discuss later with my brother his thoughts on what was said and use that to inform my decision but it was my decision and much less stressful.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I will just comment title:

" Mother knows best? "

Noup. Best friend knows best.

my best friend would tell me to skip the scary surgery and get some new boobs YOLO so not my besties sadly even though I would be less stressed

What is the surgery? Something your mom has had or has experience with? Generally, like everyone else - and the doctor - it is ultimately your choice. I would also add many times parents and others for that matter mean well and don't know how they are coming across so you can tell your mom to back off. I once brought my older brother with me to a doctor, and it was a really bad idea. He and the doctor got off on the wrong foot and in seconds were arguing about me with me right there. That was the last time my brother came along. I found it better to see the doctor, ask my questions, then discuss later with my brother his thoughts on what was said and use that to inform my decision but it was my decision and much less stressful.

Its surgery to remove a swollen gland in my brain, its a long time coming. I was attacked by men and sustained mild brain damage that needs to be corrected. Last year I was at 4mm swelling if I wait too long and it gets to 10mm it will have to be done with a more invasive surgery… sooo its up to me but its not its up to god I suppose.

My mum is fighting my corner but, you know… maybe the truth is im just afraid.
I think her pushing for the earlier surgery is right but not reviewing the issues that happened into the 1st mini procedure is what I am upset about, I just wanted to discuss it and get some advice on it. My mum thinks “we” need to move on from it.

Your brother sounds like a man of passion, must have a little Italian