Well, since I seem to be in a posting mood on this forum today, I thought maybe I should share something that has been troubling me for the past four months. It's a drama filled and bitter tale, so you may skip it if you want. I don't mind. ^_^
(EDIT: And it's LONG too, a wall of text, if you didn't get the hint above. lol. It's really okay if you don't read it. I'm just venting here, because I am alone and lonely with no one else to vent to... and my cat is tired of me telling her the story. I feel less pathetic venting around people, this way.
)
Well, for three years I had a close friend who lived in Arizona, across the country from me so not close physically. Even though we were miles apart, him and I were like siblings. I almost thought about posting this in the "relationship" thread, because we were really close, but it wasn't romantic by far. He is married with children, for one, and I don't ever allow myself to get involve with anyone who is married or in a serious relationship. Though, whenever he had a fight with his wife, he would suggest those "if only" ideas, which I turned him down every time with, "let's not go there. it would NEVER happen."
Anyways, because he was not honest with his wife about having a friendship with a woman across the country and strictly platonic, he put me in a very bad situation of being the "secret friend". Which meant he could only IM, text, and email me while he was at work in order to not raise her suspicions. I was not allowed to comment or post on his Facebook, because "the wife might see". I hated that and voiced being uncomfortable about it every chance I got, annoying the crap out of him because he wasn't going to change his mind and be truthful about our friendship. So, he couldn't simply text me or IM me when he was at home doing nothing or had free time.
It wouldn't matter that much to me, except it seemed that our friendship had to be on a schedule all the time, matching with his work hours. That meant, that if he had vacation time or a new work-shift change, I'd have to be without his communication when he was away or wait several hours until he comes into work. It also meant that if I wanted to talk with him I'd have to change my schedule around to meet his. Remember, we have two different time zones, so it often meant I either had to wake up before dawn or stay awake early in the a.m. It was really inconvenient for me, because it meant I had no control over when I slept, what was meal time, and often times I had to blow off appointments to places. I felt trapped in front of a screen all the time, life passing me by. And what's worse is that for the last two years we weren't talking non-stop for those hours, but he would freak every time I didn't answer back right away because as he put it, he wanted me to "just be there. I feel better knowing that you're always there."
Not showing up or being late to this schedule was a huge no-no and would result in a twenty line message or texts of him having a meltdown. Then I'd have to spend half the day convincing him that no, I haven't made a new friend and is ignoring him, and I'm not angry or disgusted with him. Fun times, right?
Anyhoo, as overly clingy that he was to me, I can't say much as I needed him just as much. He kept away my feelings of loneliness. From 9am - 6pm (or 4pm - 2am, or 10am-4pm, depending on his changing work schedules), Monday through Friday, I couldn't be alone even if I wanted to. He insisted that I carry my phone with me at all times for texting... threw a fit when I didn't and replies were slow. I remember saying at the end of the friendship, "I'm a writer, Jim! Not a doctor!", which he didn't find the joke in that. >_>
So literally he was with me ALL THE TIME. I liked the idea of never being alone, but hated having to carry a phone with me every second (even to the bathroom) and having to give quick replies. That part of the friendship was really unhealthy and I don't miss it.
What ended the friendship was when he began to ask this and more, yet couldn't find the time to watch a clip that I sent him or read a nice article I posted on my blogs. He was quick to follow my blogs and chase off any guy who commented on there in response to my articles, but he didn't have to time to actually read anything. That was annoying. Also, he wanted recognition for his birthday every year (who doesn't?) and I'd do the whole song and dance with cheering happy birthday and asking him what he will do to celebrate... yet he could never care to remember my birthday, even though it's the day after his. :-/
One year, he did wish me a happy birthday and I admit that I was a bit of jerk in responding, "Seriously???? You remembered? Wow, I must savor this moment!" I can be a bit of a snert, when I want to, but it was nice that he did remember for once. Then forgot it again, later. D'oh!
So, why were we ever close? Well, when it came to sharing our daily lives, thoughts, and dreams we just understood each other completely. My reaction to a situation and paranoid thoughts was the same as his and vice versa. We both love to laugh, so the goal was to make each other laugh so much and so hard that the other's chest hurt. And we succeeded in that every day. He kept my lonely life from being lonely and I kept him well entertained at his mundane job. But it fell apart four months ago, because I got tired of the schedules and always being the one inconvenienced, making all the sacrifices for our communication. His side was easy... all he had to do was show up for work and turn on his phone or computer. I had to cut appointment, cut sleep, skip meals, skip hobbies, skip any thoughts of doing anything I wanted during that time slot. And also, I had to live with the guilt that he was doing something behind his wife's back, in being my friend. This didn't bother him, but it bothered me a lot... being that if I ever have a special person in my life, things like this won't be hidden, because I would love and respect that person too much.
I'm not proud that my loneliness (or fear of it) caused me to deal with that for three years. It's made me look deeper into myself and my issue with being alone, the desperation of it all. A few had suggested that I need a romantic mate, not a friend, yet I'm uninterested in that at this time. I just wanted a close pal that I can spend hours with... not as many hours as he had it, but not the usual 15 minutes that people tend to spend with me, sporadically.
I miss that spark we had, of sharing stupid comics and web articles with each other, speaking about art, music, and life in general. Our comedy routines of trying to outdo each other in laughs. I miss that when I felt scared or vulnerable, or had a face full of tears, he would calm me down and have me laughing and crying at the same time in the matter of seconds. And vice versa, I miss doing that for him too.
I have tried emailing him three times, which may have been a bad move on my part, asking him if we could start over in the friendship. No more hard schedules like that and him asking his wife if it's okay for him to have a long distance email buddy. No response and I doubted I would get one. I know him too well... he's an "all or nothing" kind of guy. He doesn't know the meaning of compromise and easily can write off friends (or wives, as this is his second wife... and probally not the last) without a thought. I've seen him do it a few times before, with people we mutually knew. They didn't behave in the way he liked, but instead of working it out and compromising, he said "forget them! I don't need them!" I somehow knew that someday that might be me as well. u_u
So, I'm moving on but it's painful still, of course. I wouldn't want a friend like him again and no one could ever replace him. I don't want a replacement and not looking for one! But, I would like to someday find that close friendship again, that exciting spark of knowing someone so similar to me, and with someone who doesn't have a need to keep me a secret or so strict with the scheduling. I'd like to have a real close relationship with someone who wants to and is able to communicate naturally, not like a play-date.
And this is my long story. ^_^
(EDIT: And it's LONG too, a wall of text, if you didn't get the hint above. lol. It's really okay if you don't read it. I'm just venting here, because I am alone and lonely with no one else to vent to... and my cat is tired of me telling her the story. I feel less pathetic venting around people, this way.
)Well, for three years I had a close friend who lived in Arizona, across the country from me so not close physically. Even though we were miles apart, him and I were like siblings. I almost thought about posting this in the "relationship" thread, because we were really close, but it wasn't romantic by far. He is married with children, for one, and I don't ever allow myself to get involve with anyone who is married or in a serious relationship. Though, whenever he had a fight with his wife, he would suggest those "if only" ideas, which I turned him down every time with, "let's not go there. it would NEVER happen."
Anyways, because he was not honest with his wife about having a friendship with a woman across the country and strictly platonic, he put me in a very bad situation of being the "secret friend". Which meant he could only IM, text, and email me while he was at work in order to not raise her suspicions. I was not allowed to comment or post on his Facebook, because "the wife might see". I hated that and voiced being uncomfortable about it every chance I got, annoying the crap out of him because he wasn't going to change his mind and be truthful about our friendship. So, he couldn't simply text me or IM me when he was at home doing nothing or had free time.
It wouldn't matter that much to me, except it seemed that our friendship had to be on a schedule all the time, matching with his work hours. That meant, that if he had vacation time or a new work-shift change, I'd have to be without his communication when he was away or wait several hours until he comes into work. It also meant that if I wanted to talk with him I'd have to change my schedule around to meet his. Remember, we have two different time zones, so it often meant I either had to wake up before dawn or stay awake early in the a.m. It was really inconvenient for me, because it meant I had no control over when I slept, what was meal time, and often times I had to blow off appointments to places. I felt trapped in front of a screen all the time, life passing me by. And what's worse is that for the last two years we weren't talking non-stop for those hours, but he would freak every time I didn't answer back right away because as he put it, he wanted me to "just be there. I feel better knowing that you're always there."
Not showing up or being late to this schedule was a huge no-no and would result in a twenty line message or texts of him having a meltdown. Then I'd have to spend half the day convincing him that no, I haven't made a new friend and is ignoring him, and I'm not angry or disgusted with him. Fun times, right?
Anyhoo, as overly clingy that he was to me, I can't say much as I needed him just as much. He kept away my feelings of loneliness. From 9am - 6pm (or 4pm - 2am, or 10am-4pm, depending on his changing work schedules), Monday through Friday, I couldn't be alone even if I wanted to. He insisted that I carry my phone with me at all times for texting... threw a fit when I didn't and replies were slow. I remember saying at the end of the friendship, "I'm a writer, Jim! Not a doctor!", which he didn't find the joke in that. >_>
So literally he was with me ALL THE TIME. I liked the idea of never being alone, but hated having to carry a phone with me every second (even to the bathroom) and having to give quick replies. That part of the friendship was really unhealthy and I don't miss it.
What ended the friendship was when he began to ask this and more, yet couldn't find the time to watch a clip that I sent him or read a nice article I posted on my blogs. He was quick to follow my blogs and chase off any guy who commented on there in response to my articles, but he didn't have to time to actually read anything. That was annoying. Also, he wanted recognition for his birthday every year (who doesn't?) and I'd do the whole song and dance with cheering happy birthday and asking him what he will do to celebrate... yet he could never care to remember my birthday, even though it's the day after his. :-/
One year, he did wish me a happy birthday and I admit that I was a bit of jerk in responding, "Seriously???? You remembered? Wow, I must savor this moment!" I can be a bit of a snert, when I want to, but it was nice that he did remember for once. Then forgot it again, later. D'oh!
So, why were we ever close? Well, when it came to sharing our daily lives, thoughts, and dreams we just understood each other completely. My reaction to a situation and paranoid thoughts was the same as his and vice versa. We both love to laugh, so the goal was to make each other laugh so much and so hard that the other's chest hurt. And we succeeded in that every day. He kept my lonely life from being lonely and I kept him well entertained at his mundane job. But it fell apart four months ago, because I got tired of the schedules and always being the one inconvenienced, making all the sacrifices for our communication. His side was easy... all he had to do was show up for work and turn on his phone or computer. I had to cut appointment, cut sleep, skip meals, skip hobbies, skip any thoughts of doing anything I wanted during that time slot. And also, I had to live with the guilt that he was doing something behind his wife's back, in being my friend. This didn't bother him, but it bothered me a lot... being that if I ever have a special person in my life, things like this won't be hidden, because I would love and respect that person too much.
I'm not proud that my loneliness (or fear of it) caused me to deal with that for three years. It's made me look deeper into myself and my issue with being alone, the desperation of it all. A few had suggested that I need a romantic mate, not a friend, yet I'm uninterested in that at this time. I just wanted a close pal that I can spend hours with... not as many hours as he had it, but not the usual 15 minutes that people tend to spend with me, sporadically.
I miss that spark we had, of sharing stupid comics and web articles with each other, speaking about art, music, and life in general. Our comedy routines of trying to outdo each other in laughs. I miss that when I felt scared or vulnerable, or had a face full of tears, he would calm me down and have me laughing and crying at the same time in the matter of seconds. And vice versa, I miss doing that for him too.
I have tried emailing him three times, which may have been a bad move on my part, asking him if we could start over in the friendship. No more hard schedules like that and him asking his wife if it's okay for him to have a long distance email buddy. No response and I doubted I would get one. I know him too well... he's an "all or nothing" kind of guy. He doesn't know the meaning of compromise and easily can write off friends (or wives, as this is his second wife... and probally not the last) without a thought. I've seen him do it a few times before, with people we mutually knew. They didn't behave in the way he liked, but instead of working it out and compromising, he said "forget them! I don't need them!" I somehow knew that someday that might be me as well. u_u
So, I'm moving on but it's painful still, of course. I wouldn't want a friend like him again and no one could ever replace him. I don't want a replacement and not looking for one! But, I would like to someday find that close friendship again, that exciting spark of knowing someone so similar to me, and with someone who doesn't have a need to keep me a secret or so strict with the scheduling. I'd like to have a real close relationship with someone who wants to and is able to communicate naturally, not like a play-date.
And this is my long story. ^_^
