My Horrendous Secret Of 27 Years

[LoneKiller]

If you have a problem with a mod or the way things are done then take it to PM. Insulting someone with names because you do not like their opinion is not acceptable. Just look at Ox Blood's post for a simple elegant way to disagree and still keep it civil.

I meant no disrespect Minus. You guys are fine mods.
I was merely expressing my opinion. I wasn't attacking you.

 

[Phaedron]

It's not that I want to be cruel or anything towards you, but to be honest nothing traumatic happened to you that day (night, whatever). So stop playing the victim that you haven't been.

(not that I think Iris will come back to read this) but did it ever occur to you that he might have been holding back? He said what he was comfortable saying, you might've sooner come to that assumption then ignorantly declare it was nothing.

I've had quite a few childhood traumas of my own. My father was a satanist and all I ever knew about my mother was that she cheated on him with three guys, and these things I learned about when I was 13 and younger. I grew up mostly with my grandparents, and great grandmother who was dying of cancer. All of them were constantly yelling and arguing and being mean all the time, and it made me very depressed. I walked around school with my head down staying to myself, afraid to ever form a relationship with anyone.

When I was 13 my father came to live with us. He always had the door closed and was a hardcore alchoholic who was also mean at times, he had become a christian for a while, but I guess learning about Illuminati and Qabalah and that a lot of what is in Christianity and Judaism has this mystical occult tradition, drove him back into magick, which he missed anyway. He preferred to be naked and drank alchohol in front of me. It wasn't a sexual nudeness but it was still messed up for an older man and his son. When his friend came over they would go out back and do pot and cocaine. I wasn't invited to see it, but they spoke of it openly. He also boasted of doing acid and all sorts of other drugs. He was a rocker, had a local band and was very good guitarist and 3D design artist. He had another girlfriend who came over sometimes and they would have sex in my bedroom. I remember it would reek afterwards. I despised these torn apart relationships and cheap ones afterwards. He made me express fake kindness and kiss her on the cheek, but I didn't like her at all.

I heard voices in that house, and saw spirits, and men in black, and many other things no one could understand. You can't exactly go to a therapist for satanic ritual abuse or demonic entities in ones house. These were things I could never telll anyone about, as most would just think I'm nuts, so I kept it all inside. I became the loner. One time I had a girl over, just a friend, and my father, who I looked up so much and was cool in so many ways, said some remark about me and a bunch of demons screwing her. I let it go and forgave him, but looking back now I can see that once one has sold their soul to satan, theres no real going back. When I was 15 my father killed himself, then my grandmother, who I was also close to, died of cancer soon after. My great grandmother having died years ago, I forget what age. There was always arguments and sorrow and tragedy and evil in that house. My dad had a photo supposedly of the devils face out by the pool. He made a demon summoning portal (in his teen years) in our living room (it was an old house) eve when, as he told me, his spellbooks said to only make them outside. He said that he had people over and they would be talking, and there would be this thumping outside, and they got quiet, and it went away. And they started talking, and it would come back. We had a pot bellied pig and it was found dead after only 2 years (and we only ever fed it vegetables) just lots and lots of creepy messed up stuff that went on in that house and in those days. Too many to write here.

My stepgrandfather was an Italian, roman catholic, and seems to have some issues himself in his past. His older son would always start arguments, and always had kids with him. There was later a legal case where one of the kids he was with sued him and sent him to jail so I assume he was molesting them. He never got to me, but he would come over and start arguments with his father (my step grandfather) and one time I was told afterwards he got so angry he took off his clothes and demanded something. In all ways, there was no concern to shield my innocence. All adult things and conversations happened around me, it's almost like I had no childhood at all. Some of them were advanced discussions though, like quantum mechanics and spirituality, and I myself was pretty bright for my age, but as I said that came with a LOT of negatives. Stuff I'm still trying to sort out 30 years later.

My bestfriend from my childhood stabbed me in back, stole a bunch of money. I fantasied about having a relationship with a heard a certain album of music when I was 13 and the my father did Tarot and other divination, with spirits around. The Tower card (16 - meaning ruin and destruction) kept falling out. He made me evaluate my relationship to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, with Tarot Cards. 16 years later, a woman came into my life and a year later devastated me. (I am now understanding this had to do with a past life experience and back when I was 13 and my father the Occultist came into my life and gave me that tape.) And it was when in that very year I actually saw a demon very clearly. I won't blame whoever reads this if they don't believe me, but It's all true.

There were lots of creepy times when I'm told that I was sleep walking. One night I knocked on his door with an ashtray in my hand and asked "is this it, is this where it all goes?" And he would say "no, you're it." At least thats what he told me, I don't remember any of it. I might've been possessed for all I know. There were 5 abortions before I was born. I heard it from my grandfather that my real father wanted to get rid of me. My mother threw me across the room when I was a baby, and my grandfather caught me, or else I might've suffered brain damage. I'm told they kept my crib in a room full of snakes (which watched over me rather then attack me) but still, it was very messed up. As I said nothing adult was hidden from me. While other children were watching disney films I was shown Pink Floyd the Wall, and the X rated Fritz the Cat movies.

I would be playing D&D with my childhood friend, and my father would come out and talk about how he was doing some ritual and calling down the moon. And how he supposedly spoke to his guardian angel, and the four archangels, and they gave him some kind of divine quest, but he didn't bother with it and one of them attacked him. He would come out the next day with whole conversations written down (more then likely with demons) but at that time I believed him. He claimed to have heard the lyrics to Ozzy Osbournes song Tomorrow, before it ever came out. The song was ringing in his head, and what a haunting song it was. He named me after the haunting welcome to my nightmare album, the Steven child whose toys were broken, and all his friends went home, and lots of other stuff that I mentioned in another thread the songs all fit my life, it's like he put a curse on me.

 

[Barbaloot]

I am sorry you had to go through that, Phaedron. It's pretty amazing that you suffered all of that and yet are still a good person.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I re-read what iris wrote.

I don't think they meant any harm, but those few sentences that were quoted are very harmful. To advocate a crime such as pedophilia is very harmful.

I remember that thread on pedophilia, actually three, and if those can be shut down, I don't want this thread shut down as well. It is a sensitive topic for many.

 

[iris]

Yes, I'm sorry you had a messed up childhood, Phaedron, that's not fair to anybody. It's not like mine was ideal, but I guess that's the case for the most of us, more or less.

I'm not a troll, guys, I'm just speaking up my mind. As a matter of fact, I went through something similar. When I was about 10-12, I was at my grandparents, in the country, during the summer holiday. One night my grandmother had to leave the house and she suggested me to sleep in their (my grandparents) room, so that I wouldn't feel lonely, stranded in the other house by myself (they had two separate houses in the same courtyard). I didn't really felt lonely during the night, but I agreed. Needless to say, that night, as I was sleeping in the same bed with my grandfather, he started to touch my genitals and kept doing so for quite a long time (half an hour, maybe an hour). He didn't manage anything but to piss me off and made me feel a bit ashamed, but I didn't have the courage to tell him to stop and to let me be. At some point I wanted to leave and go sleep in my room, as I wanted from the beginning, but still I didn't do that either (I have no guts). And no, I felt no pleasure, as I was too little to have any libido or anything like that.

Some years ago, I related what happened then to my older sister, who said the same thing happened to her too, when she was little, but, unlike me, she did have the courage to tell our grandfather to stop, or she would go to another room.

Truth is, none of us remained traumatized or anything like that because of that happening. It didn't affect our sexuality and it didn't affect our personality. And, if that's what my grandfather's behaviour was towards his nieces (and I understand he did something similar to one of our cousins too, who died meanwhile, at 14), imagine that he had had the exact behaviour to my mother (his daughter). Still, she's a totally normal woman and human being. I mean it, she really is.

Luckily, he wasn't too aggressive, I believe. As I said, I think what's really traumatizing for a child is being anally or orally raped/abused, as this inflicts great pain and/or shame to the molested child.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yes, but you are not the one who determines how molestation can affect a person. Only the person who was affected by the molestation can.

I am sorry that happened to you. I really am. But I have a good friend who is a molestation victim, and it has messed with her for her entire life...and she's 50 now. Her entire life was ruined by her being touched that way.

 

[Felix]

Yes, but you are not the one who determines how molestation can affect a person. Only the person who was affected by the molestation can.

I am sorry that happened to you. I really am. But I have a good friend who is a molestation victim, and it has messed with her for her entire life...and she's 50 now. Her entire life was ruined by her being touched that way.

I agree.

Plus, not saying it's your case Iris... but people can go into denial. My father went trough tough honeysuckle in his childhood, he seems allright most of the time but I know him well and I know he's messed up emotionally for life.

 

[frey12]

That's called puberty.

It's not that I want to be cruel or anything towards you, but to be honest nothing traumatic happened to you that day (night, whatever). So stop playing the victim that you haven't been.

Iris is a troll.

Please refrain from such name calling. It is fine to disagree but name calling is not helpful.

If you have a problem with a mod or the way things are done then take it to PM. Insulting someone with names because you do not like their opinion is not acceptable. Just look at Ox Blood's post for a simple elegant way to disagree and still keep it civil.

Minus you need to be ashamed of your behavior in this thread. You have been on people who have been supporting lonekiller. You have shown your goal to quiet those who are defending lonekiller as well as lonekiller himself. Defending yourself should be allowed by the forums moderator. I half expect you to say next lonekiller was asking for it as your current behavior has been abyssmal. For the record I have reported you twice in this thread for your shameful behavior.

 

[Minus]

You can spin it however you want but calling an established member a troll because they may hold an unpopular opinion is not acceptable. Many people have disagreed with that poster without having to lower themselves to name calling. That is fine.

This is an issue thread and should not consistently be derailed like this.

 

[frey12]

You can spin it however you want but calling an established member a troll because they may hold an unpopular opinion is not acceptable. Many people have disagreed with that poster without having to lower themselves to name calling. That is fine.

This is an issue thread and should not consistently be derailed like this.

Nice to know this is about Iris who you have consistently defended and shown favoritism to. Despite a clearly extremely offensive statement about a person being traumatized, or not being traumatized.

Also derailed by you?

 

[Minus]

.... you have consistently defended and shown favoritism to...

Oh, thanks for informing me.

Now can we get back on topic?

 

[Trent]

I'm told they kept my crib in a room full of snakes (which watched over me rather then attack me) but still, it was very messed up.

i was with you up until this part.

are you a parseltongue?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Sometimes I wonder about Phaedron...

As far as Jason goes, I wish him well. I never was molested, but I imagine that it would be something really hard to get over.

 

[LoneKiller]

If you have a problem with a mod or the way things are done then take it to PM. Insulting someone with names because you do not like their opinion is not acceptable. Just look at Ox Blood's post for a simple elegant way to disagree and still keep it civil.

Because I'm an adult now and know much more about life. I look back at a 10yo boy who's sexual desires weren't discovered yet. By his actions, he robbed that innocence from me. After that my whole outlook on girls and boys changed. Instead of looking at Linda down the street as my tomboy friend with red hair. I was looking at her breasts and stuff. To me, I believe that can be considered traumatic can't it?

You will notice in the above reply that I was being civil in my response. Then this:


That's called puberty.

It's not that I want to be cruel or anything towards you, but to be honest nothing traumatic happened to you that day (night, whatever). So stop playing the victim that you haven't been.

This remark is what got me angry. I had no intention of starting a fight. Iris could have been much more civil in that remark. Why didn't you accuse Iris of being disrespectful. Her opinion was rude. She has absolutely no idea how my experience was for me. She's a different person all together. If Iris had have been polite in that response. I would have replied just as politely. So would have Sophia.



Iris' reply could have been more civil. If it had of been, chances are this whole honeysuckle wouldn't have started. I'm not trying to be a dick here Minus, but c'mon. This is bullshit and you know it.

 

[whispers]

I agree it is sad that your experience has been diminished like that. Abuse is abuse, remarks like that keep people and children from talking... imagine if your brother woulndt have left, god knows how far it would have went. Remarks like, it wasnt that bad, it wasnt rape, its normal....thats what kids here, thats why they dont talk, they feel ashamed at feeling so crappy about something so ''normal''.

Realy people need to change their behavior towards sexual abuse, weither you feel it is dramatic or not...it is never OK

I also want to add that although Iris has a right to his opinion, it was very insensitive to actualy voice it in this thread. People feel safe opening up and then this ?? I am very upset about this.

 

[iris]

Thanks, LeaningIntoTheMuse, for showing sympathy to me. It's OK, though.

@whispers

I've never stated experiences like this are something "normal". Reread my posts. I only said some people have the "victim mentality" and they consider themselves to have been the victim in most/many situations: victims of their families, victims of their partners, victims of society, victims of life. They can give all kinds of reasons why they're messed up or why their lives didn't turn out into what they expected to be. Having heard and read a lot of people complaining, I came to the conclusion that their reasonings are often questionable. Attitude is the key. Of course, I'm not denying that life isn't sometimes a *****.

 

[LoneKiller]

"So stop playing the victim that you haven't been."

The above statement of yours is typed in a manner which comes across like you are the final authority on the degree of seriousness that my experience was. If that happened to you. I would never be so arrogant and decide what level of impact you experienced in the way you did with mine. You are making a remark that no human could possibly know with any degree of accuracy. You weren't in my bed that night chief.

 

[whispers]

I beleive everyone is responsible for their own lives, including how they manage an abuse situation. i don't beleive that beeing a victim will solve anything. As long as you are a victim, you are in a powerless situation.

However i don't feel lonekiller is beeing a victim, he has simply shared his experience and the realisation of its affects on him life.

The word ''Normal'' is the word i used to describe how i felt when i read certain comments, i am not english, sometimes i cant find the right words.

 

[LoneKiller]

I beleive everyone is responsible for their own lives, including how they manage an abuse situation. i don't beleive that beeing a victim will solve anything. As long as you are a victim, you are in a powerless situation.

However i don't feel lonekiller is beeing a victim, he has simply shared his experience and the realisation of its affects on him life.

The word ''Normal'' is the word i used to describe how i felt when i read certain comments, i am not english, sometimes i cant find the right words.

Exactly.

 

[Callie]

"So stop playing the victim that you haven't been."

The above statement of yours is typed in a manner which comes across like you are the final authority on the degree of seriousness that my experience was. If that happened to you. I would never be so arrogant and decide what level of impact you experienced in the way you did with mine. You are making a remark that no human could possibly know with any degree of accuracy. You weren't in my bed that night chief.

In all honesty, I had planned to stay out of this thread entirely, but THIS statement right here makes me feel the need to come in.

First, I'll say that Iris is completely entitled to her opinion. She gave her opinion and everyone jumped on her ass. Whether her opinion was "nice" is not the issue. Could she have been nicer, yes, she could have, but the fact remains that she was not all that rude.

Now, the real reason I came into this thread. You have a lot of nerve stating that. Considering what you posted in this thread and considering other threads you posted, you still thought it was YOUR right to sexually harass ME in open forum...more than once. You have no idea what has happened to me in MY life, yet all of a sudden you're crying that no one but you knows how your life went, so they should not make assumptions and "attack" you like that. Does that not make you a hypocrite?

Whether I'm wrong to post this or not, I don't really care. That is my thoughts on the matter, my two cents and I have in NO way insulted you. So, with that, I will leave this thread and not post in it again.