My love life is made of fail...

[LazzarusB]

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...

1) Everything is great, he seems really into me, we hang out heaps, and then all of a sudden communication on his end shuts down and I get chucked for some other girl.

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

3) Everything is great, he seems a little too into me... and then he starts texting me all day every day, wants to hang out every day, doesn't like me talking to/hanging out with my male friends and basically turns into a psycho stalker.

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken.

I just can't seem to win at this relationship thing. Everyone always says "Don't worry about it, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone". But I can't even find a decent (or even sane) guy, let alone "Mr Right". What makes it worse is that some of my friends are already settling down, getting engaged, having kids... I just feel so behind.

It's not just me, right?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...



2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken

I've had number two happen to me. lol :/, Number 4 too now that I think about it

 

[Ribozyme]

No, it's not just you, hon... If it's any consolation to you, in my whole life I had only one situation with "relationships" and it could be matched to your No.4 More concrete, I'm desperately in love with my best friend, who is straight and is in a relationship with my female best friend for 2 years... First time I actually fall for someone, it HAS to me my best straight, not-single friend??? I've been living with it for the past SIX months and there are no indications it will end soon... Part of me loves him despite everything, part of me wants to forget him, and part of me is in constant pain because it can't decide which of the other two parts to follow...

Phrases such "You're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone" annoy me SO MUCH, I could strangle anyone saying them to me. They are usually said by people who were in a few nice relationships before settling down with Mr./Mrs. Right... All of my close friends are in a long lasting relationships, talking about marriage, kids... My first cousin is getting married on Saturday, and she's two years younger than me! She's "only 21", and I will be 23 soon...

Ah, well, I suppose there isn't an infinite amount of "relationshipness" going around... Some people have it more than others, which leaves the rest of us slightly short on the stuff.. Hehehe, just kiddin', of course...

 

[AndrewM]

Hi LazzarusB,

Yes men are pathetic, and I'm one so I should know. Here's what I think the problem is, from a male perspective:

1) we can't handle mixed signals,
2) we can't handle girls who play hard to get,
3) we can't handle a friendship with a girl when we are lonely and desperate,
4) we... actually, this is not our problem!

So I think the trick is to be as straightforward about what your expectations are for the relationship. If you want a slow courtship, make it clear. If you just want to be friends, make it clear. If you want to get married, make it clear. If you want to have sex, well then usually you don't have to do anything. If they can't understand this even after you've written it down for them in big letters, tell them to get lost.

In my experience, it is very rare to find a girl who will simply be up front about what she wants from you. A relationship doesn't stand a chance if both partners aren't sure what the other wants.

 

[Luna]

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

That's my "dating" (If I can call it that) life right there.

Sex is brought up...I tell them I'm not ready/ want a committed relationship, and that is the last I ever hear from them.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

You're not the only one.

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...

1) Everything is great, he seems really into me, we hang out heaps, and then all of a sudden communication on his end shuts down and I get chucked for some other girl.

Check. One guy dumped me so he could chase 20 year-old tail, but when that didn't pan out (oddly enough the vast majority of 20 year-old chicks weren't hot for his paunchy 40 year-old ass), he tried to come crawling back to me.

What a great feeling, being Second Choice. I told him to shove it. Then I blocked him from my email, IM and Facebook.

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

Double-check. Apparently some guys think that a 40-something divorced mom = cougar just out for sex.

3) Everything is great, he seems a little too into me... and then he starts texting me all day every day, wants to hang out every day, doesn't like me talking to/hanging out with my male friends and basically turns into a psycho stalker.

Triple-check. My friends and I nicknamed him StalkerBoy. He was a 6'4", 250 pound pain in my ass who liked to drive by my house, take note of the cars in my driveway and threaten to have a buddy of his in the Sherrif's Dept run the plates so he could prove that I was a cheating whore.

Indeed, cheating with my sister? Dude, even I am not that twisted-kinky.

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken.

Honey, if I had a dollar for every time one of my taken guy friends said, "If I were single, I'd be all over you like a dog on a ham sandwich... blah blah blah" yeah stfu. Cheap words because they don't have to put up or shut up.

 

[LazzarusB]

Ribozyme - Wow... that really sucks I've been in a similar sort of situation before, only we did end up together for a while, but it all ended badly (story of my life). I hope your situation turns out well for you, whichever way you choose to deal with it

AndrewM - I should've made it clear in my original post, 1, 2 and 3 are all situations where I've actually been dating the guy. Mixed signals and playing hard to get are definitely not what I was going for.

Cheaptrickfan - Wow, I've had some crazies but yours definitely tops all of mine! Cheating with your sister? Wow, if that's the kind of conclusion his mind comes to then he definitely has serious mental issues.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Cheaptrickfan - Wow, I've had some crazies but yours definitely tops all of mine! Cheating with your sister? Wow, if that's the kind of conclusion his mind comes to then he definitely has serious mental issues.

lol No. My point was, the only cars that were ever in my driveway were my sister's or my ex-husband's. If he had run the plates, he would have found out that those cars belonged to them and not some random men.

But he did have some issues.

---

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...

1) Everything is great, he seems really into me, we hang out heaps, and then all of a sudden communication on his end shuts down and I get chucked for some other girl.

1) we can't handle mixed signals,

How is a guy dumping a girl for another girl a result of mixed signals? Couldn't it just be that the guy sees a hotter chick and decides he'd rather try to bang her instead?

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

2) we can't handle girls who play hard to get,

This conclusion makes no sense at all. So a girl should settle for a relatively meaningless sexual relationship of convenience because it's what the guy wants out of the relationship?

And if she wants something a bit more meaningful, then that means that she's playing hard to get? What are you even trying to say with that comment?

3) Everything is great, he seems a little too into me... and then he starts texting me all day every day, wants to hang out every day, doesn't like me talking to/hanging out with my male friends and basically turns into a psycho stalker.

3) we can't handle a friendship with a girl when we are lonely and desperate,

So, guys will turn to stalker-type behavior because they are lonely and desperate?

WTH?

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

So, guys will turn to stalker-type behavior because they are lonely and desperate?

WTH?

only when it's a full moon. so...plan ahead

 

[cheaptrickfan]

So, guys will turn to stalker-type behavior because they are lonely and desperate?

WTH?

only when it's a full moon. so...plan ahead

I may give my cat some attack cat training.

 

[edgecrusher]

its not just you. im 28 and people give me the same "dont worry your young..." speech. except with me i am too shy for my own good and have never even been in a relationship or with anyone.

 

[Brian]

What makes it worse is that some of my friends are already settling down, getting engaged, having kids... I just feel so behind.

And in 1-4 years they'll probably be single and trying to take care of their kids on their own. Seriously, if they're the same age you are, THEY DON'T NEED TO BE GETTING MARRIED, much less having kids. From my observations, that actually works out well about 8% of the time. Those aren't very good odds. It's a bad idea.

Besides, the planet's overpopulated.


At any rate. Any females looking for a more mature, less clingy, reliable, not-scared-of-commitment gentleman are free to relocate to beautiful Priest River, Idaho. Or send me a check and I'll come move in with you. Either is fine.

 

[Spare]

At any rate. Any females looking for a more mature, less clingy, reliable, not-scared-of-commitment gentleman are free to relocate to beautiful Priest River, Idaho.

If Idaho's just a bit too far, feel free to stop in western Montana....

 

[kelbo]

Hi LazzarusB,

Yes men are pathetic, and I'm one so I should know. Here's what I think the problem is, from a male perspective:

1) we can't handle mixed signals,
2) we can't handle girls who play hard to get,
3) we can't handle a friendship with a girl when we are lonely and desperate,
4) we... actually, this is not our problem!

So I think the trick is to be as straightforward about what your expectations are for the relationship. If you want a slow courtship, make it clear. If you just want to be friends, make it clear. If you want to get married, make it clear. If you want to have sex, well then usually you don't have to do anything. If they can't understand this even after you've written it down for them in big letters, tell them to get lost.

In my experience, it is very rare to find a girl who will simply be up front about what she wants from you. A relationship doesn't stand a chance if both partners aren't sure what the other wants.

I think it is a bit harsh to just state "men are pathetic" - not all men are.

And I think you give great advice in the fact you say be straight forward, I think most people should be in all aspects of life; it makes things a lot easier. But your reasons behind the numbers aren't reasons, more cop-outs or excuses.

---

1) Everything is great, he seems really into me, we hang out heaps, and then all of a sudden communication on his end shuts down and I get chucked for some other girl.

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

3) Everything is great, he seems a little too into me... and then he starts texting me all day every day, wants to hang out every day, doesn't like me talking to/hanging out with my male friends and basically turns into a psycho stalker.

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken.

I just can't seem to win at this relationship thing. Everyone always says "Don't worry about it, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone". But I can't even find a decent (or even sane) guy, let alone "Mr Right". What makes it worse is that some of my friends are already settling down, getting engaged, having kids... I just feel so behind.

It's not just me, right?

I think relationships are just tricky in general, for both genders. If the person is too keen then it makes us run, however if they aren't keen enough then we'll worry. Life is chaotic, we meet and see new people all of the time too, so trying to find somebody who you are attracted to, and trying to make it work, without losing interest or seeing another person you could perhaps like even better is really hard. I know that sounds harsh, and people aren't that impressionable to cheat all of the time or even act on their impulses - but I know with me, it has to be right, everything has to work - the right amount of distance from them but the right amount of closeness too - otherwise I find it hard to stay there and see it go towards relationship status.

As AndrewM stated I think being honest and upfront about what you want is good (but in a way that isn't so blunt to say "I am realllly wanting a relationship" sorta way because that might scare somebody away, because of pressure or commitment issues perhaps)

Either way, nobody has perfect relationships. It is part of life, your experiences all count towards something. The way I see it - the more useless dates I manage to go on, the more I'll know what I definitely don't want in a partner. Better to look at things positively I guess. Eventually one will stick and you'll click, and shabam, happiness will be. Until then, keep plodding along and keep your chin up.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

At any rate. Any females looking for a more mature, less clingy, reliable, not-scared-of-commitment gentleman are free to relocate to beautiful Priest River, Idaho.

If Idaho's just a bit too far, feel free to stop in western Montana....

I have always wanted to check out the Rockies more thoroughly...

 

[AndrewM]

This conclusion makes no sense at all. So a girl should settle for a relatively meaningless sexual relationship of convenience because it's what the guy wants out of the relationship?

The "men are pathetic" line I started with should have given it away - I was not very seriously listing the limitations of the male species. Of course women shouldn't give themselves away sexually if that's not what they want. But I was reacting to the OP's suggestion that it's always the man's fault that her relationships turn out badly.

Now, I'm sure LazzarusB is a wonderful person and deserves better, but I really find it hard to believe that nothing she does contributes to the outcome. So what I'm saying, without irony, is that guys are NOT pathetic (for the most part), but rather have certain expectations which rightly or wrongly may not be satisfied by a girl, even one they are dating. It may turn out she is not compatible with them in some way, or not wanting to have sex is a turn off, or whatever. O.K. in that case the guy isn't for you. Note that girls leave guys for the same reasons all the time. Kelbo puts this point pretty well. If there are dynamics in the relationship which tend to repeat themselves, you have to ask yourself whether you're contributing to it in some way.

The stalking thing is clearly an issue on the guy's side, and it probably stems from a number of factors. You don't want to get into a relationship with these guys. If possible, you want to get them some professional help.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lmao...when chicks stalks me..it's called.....

" I'm good, I'm really that good...yes I Am"
Next time bring your sister too.lol

Oh BTW...didn't you know I was married?
No...the tan line isn't from a ban aid.
Yes of course I'm taken..She's totally hawt and beautiful.
Well duh..of course I'm a great guy..why esle would a totally awesume babe like that married me
What??? you're currious...
What?..you're have a lot more to offer than her.
What??...I can do better?

Well...isn't a relationship base on friendship first?
Oh...you feel lonely and empty inside sometimes...
Yeah...it's hard sometimes.

oh sorry about that. I suck at multitasking. Didn't mean to make you feel like I was ignoring ya.
Oh her....she's just a freind.
So...I called you last weekend. you didn't returned my call. I wanted to go do something together or just hang out.
Oh....you were bussied. I get ya.

------------------------------------------------------------

life is too unpredictable such as a relationship. We all can make an educated guess of what we deem to be a perfect model of a healthy relationship and try to strive for it.
What makes it difficult is that...we don't really know what's going on in our partner. How they think, feel, percieve or process life.
You can find and be with someone that you deem it the perfect person for you. Even then, wheather by fate or act of god. They died, fall to some un planed illness,
suffered from accidents or many other miss fortunes in life..which will alter the relationship forever.
I guess the difference is making a plan and making a commitment.
neve the less...life changes wheather we agree with it or not...such as a relationship.

I spoke to an old HS friend not too long ago. He's married and settle down. Has a good career. A nice home.
He burried his son last year. His son passed away on Chirstmas day after battling cancer for a long time.
His wife is devistated and can't seem to pull out of her depression of lossing her child.
He's trying to be as stronge as he can throught it all...but a divorce is being consider...becuase he can't bare to live
like that anymore. He's very devistated. He lost his son and his wife. She's not the same. Life is not the same. He's not the same.

My HS GF reached out to me. She needed to make peace with me. She has a brain tumor and has to go for another
operation. She has a 50/50 chance of dying. She making peace with everyone that was a part of her life while she's
still alive or remembers anything. She needed to know that..whatever she did or whatever hurted she might have cuased
me (visa versa)...that I was okay and that she was okay. She thank me for being a part of her life and our relastionship wasn't all bad.
We had a lot of great times together. I'm grateful for that...I'm grateful she hasn't given this...becuase
I never had a change to say goodbye or say what i needed to say to Jenni before she died, which left me with a lot of regrets.

As bad as I think I might have it or experinced...I know life didn't single me out at life sucking ass a lot or being unpredictable.

 

[LazzarusB]

Now, I'm sure LazzarusB is a wonderful person and deserves better, but I really find it hard to believe that nothing she does contributes to the outcome.

I'm not saying I'm not at fault in any of this. And I'm not whinging because I think I'm such a catch that guys are stupid to throw me away. I accept it when it looks like things aren't working out, or we don't click or whatever. And I break it off.

But then I'm one of those people who tortures themselves over failed relationships. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? etc etc.

Everybody has different ideas of what dating is. Personally I only date one guy at a time, call me old fashioned but that's just how I roll. I have no problem if a guy I'm dating is also dating other people, and I make that clear when we start dating.

What I don't like is when they lie about it and/or stop talking to me when they decide they're more into someone else. If a guy doesn't want to date me any more, fine, but they could at least tell me and actually break it off rather than just cut off all communication and pretend nothing ever happened. That's not too much to ask is it?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

That's not too much to ask is it?

Unfortunately....Yes, it's too much to ask for.
People never failed to amaze me.
I've ask myself this very same question, "is this too much to ask for?"...
for the simpliest and most common things.
Whatever my expectations are...even at the smallest expectations.

I guess in a way, it's kind of like getting stood up. I've been stood up
many times. It totally fucks me or I think people are fucken retarded
in general. Just tell me "NO" straight up. I can handle that.

It's kind of like getting led on. When you open up yourself to someone
or finally say...ok, I'll try to trust again , now. You get hope, then it
just truns into fualts hopes.

After a person gose throught this serveral times...while dating
or in a committed relationship...I tend to think fucken all women
are retarded or pyscho bitches in general.

I dislike the dating games and all the crap come alone with the territory
at the sametime...I also dislike some the BS that comes alone with being
in a committed relationship.

Idk...when you figure the answer to this problem..please inform me..
becuase I really want to know ...what the fresia is it that I'm doing wrong
so that I may make corrections, myself.

But half of the time when I look at the situation or evauate it ...It's not
me...so what fresia??? Why do I attract these poeple into my life.

I know...I ma get me a magnet a size of a quarter.
Then a drill a hole on top of it..so that I may run a chain through it.
To make a necklace. Then I ma stamp "psycho bitches" on it.
This way..it can hang over my heart.

I mean it's not even all the stuff in relationships. it's other stuff too.
I'm currently employed...but it still effects me.
You know a couple of years ago people were going ape honeysuckle becuase the USA's national unemployment
rate was climbing over 7%..then to 8%. Then people elected a dude that made promises to resolved that
or correct that. Well...ya know it's been over 10% since that dude took office..So somewhere in the back of my fucken
mind I'm thinking alone the line of lies and empty promises. Don't belive a god **** word what anyone say.

I remember watching AIG commercial before the honeysuckle hit the fan...
Well..I also recalled watching a bunch of commercail by BP...woo hooo clean energy. hahahaaaaa

I get sametype of feelings when dating...It's like people are a bunch of politicians or selling a commecail to me.

 

[AndrewM]

I have no problem if a guy I'm dating is also dating other people, and I make that clear when we start dating.

Is that a good idea? Personally I'd have thought allowing that kind of latitude would attract the wrong kind of guy. It might also make them think that you're not very serious about the relationship, even if you are.

I think that if you're prepared to remain monogamous while dating someone, you have every right to expect the same of the person you're dating. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned in this respect.