My only close friend is a very unwell person

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Lionesseye

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Hello.

Back in 2016 i started going out with a guy i worked with. He was a bit strange and would be hot and cold until he realised he could be more than a friend.

When we got together i was at the top of my game. I was happy with my job, i was fit and healthy and i was ticking boxes getting over self esteem and anxiety issues particularly with being social.

(My history has been sexually abused 14 with bf = went into recluse as i tried to finish school. Became a recluse after school. Got agoraphobia for awhile with social phobia, anxiety and depression. Stayed home, studied. Met man online, traveled in plane to see him whilst overcoming agoraphobia and fear of men and many other fears, was emotionally and physically abused by him and develop eating disorder and bdd and ptsd. Overcome those things after lengthy years of replays in my head. Study more, exit study due to anxiety social phobia, then finally was pushed i to a job i ended up loving. Sadly they downsized and im not there anymore).

He was an unusual guy and there were major really major red flags with him. Not abusive or anything like that. He was a guy on my level or below my level (that sounds really bad 😳 ). So he had schizophrenia. I read up on it more and thought i knew what it was. But with him boy i did not know a thing.

So for him, schizophrenia is dramatic. But its not just that, he is a drug addict too. (ive been a vegan for 22 yrs, obsessed with diet and health, cant even drink wine cause the chemicals burn my face lol). I never had drugs, i dont smoke.

Over the past 3 years he has had psychosis and even severe episodes where ive had to be the one to help him out and its burnt me out and been quite traumatic. He is addicted to crystal meth (a drug i had never even known existed till i met him). And he has paranoid schizophrenia. He is into heavy metal music and horror films ( im kinda into not so much).
When i first met him he wasnt as ill. But as hes had lots of meth over the years and nearly overdosed on the stuff, he has dramatically changed into a mentally challenged person. He wears black all the time now, everyday and smells because he doesnt change his clothes often. Although he has lots of showers everyday.

The things he does plays on my anxiety and stress often. From the little social tnings to the countless self absorbed reckless behaviour that he does all the time.

He goes on social media sites and has so many accounts. He puts thousands of photos of himself on there in one day, everyday of just him in the mirror looking serious and write weird aggressive things like “ all i like is myself so get over me” or “ you will never meet me in person”. Just weird and excessive stuff. At the same time he still thinks he is my boyfriend and i just agree to it because he has issues with other peoples emotions and can get frazzled by it and end the friendship or not even listen to me and basically ignore me which telling him, or get upset.

His behaviour socially towards me is usually schizo symptoms meaning he struggles to be able to talk and have a conversation, be able to concentrate and appear very self absorbed in his own world. Not all the time he is like this but most of the time. He tries his best to talk but its mainly being silly like a kid or just asking questions on the spot. He has issues with planning. Quite severe actually. its as if his ability to be able to know he will need a jumper when its cold going out or think about saving money for the rest of the week, those sort of basic things he struggles with. For example, he rings me up but cant really make a conversation so i have to talk for him every night just about and it gets exhausting and worst thing is that its like he uses me like a radio and just does other things like talk to his sister or mum whilst im on the phone and talking to him, or doing social media or even vaccumn!

With his drug addiction ,he brings his sister into it who is also schizophrenic and she gets very ill. Shes been in hospital with psychosis many times too, mainly both of them because of the drugs.
He cannot place responsibility on himself. He is unaware of his actions and how they affect others.
A few years ago he took $20,000 from his superannuation and him and his sister spent most of that money on drugs ans shopping sprees in the course of 2 months.
They are both on disability pension and spend all their money every week on cigarettes, drugs and shopping for knick knacks. They live with their mum and do help pay rent but basically both think once they have money they go spend it for something to do and then, basically have no money to live on and ask thier mum everyday for money.

Back in 2020 during lockdowns, he got so messed up and nearly overdosed. He came round here at my window at night once to apologise for some weird thing ( not violent he was just high) and it scared me so much that i had panic attacks about him outside my window.

Recently I booked to go to a concert and he said he wanted to go too. He has been with me to see this performer twice b4 and the first time owed me $100 for the ticket and didnt pay me back till 3 years later! (& also gaslit me because i didnt bring it up years b4).
So i said to him if he wanted to go, then he needs to pay me asp. I even made a date and a deal with him. He pays me half and then tells me the next fortnight hell pay me the rest. On that week he ravels on excited that hes getting a serial killer tattoo on his arm and that he cannot wait. And ask him about my money and he tells me hes already booked the tattoo. Next thing, im on social media and theres a photo of him with $1400 plus in notes in his hand sitting in his car.
I confront him on the photo and he tells me he spent all that money ( his pension and a government loan he will have to pay back in his next pays) on his tattoo and a heap on drugs. He literally had no money left To love on once again.

Why did i trust him? He is like an unwell r rated child.

When i first met him and went put with him i had to pay for everything. I ended up broke!
cinema, meals, driving u name it a shock to find he expected me to pay. Back then his father restricted his money so he only had $20 a day in an attempt to stop him getting drugs.

My relationship with him is pretty much fully scaled back at this point in time. Yet he gets so bored all the time since im not there to fill him up with things to do like i used to be there years ago. We (well i) basically talk to him in attempt to make conversations and get very little out of it and when he has been able to have conversations ( when hes been on meth) its shocking his frame of mind and how ill he actually is and can make u feel ill.

But after all this dribble rant about him, he is still my friend even tho its hard for him to be And even though he really plays on my mental health and i shouldve and should have him out of my life ( note not because of his illness but because of his addictions and reckless selfish behaviours over the years) but when you are so lonely and desperate and have an avoidance social phobia, u kind of get what u can get , plus he is as codependent as me.

Well ended up a very long rant. Reading this i see i am placing impossible needs of mine onto someone as ill as him and get upset about it all the time. From time to time i kick myself of how much i let his behaviour and illness make me into a binge eating overweight stressed out burnt out individual with more lost years because of doing so.
But most of the time im just trying to move forward and two paces back.
 
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Wow! I'm so sorry you had / have to deal with all of that. I can totally understand your need to have someone, anyone, in your life. Please don't be so hard on yourself though. You are a human with human needs. I've been alone for more then a decade. While I've learned to be content alone and keep myself busy, I would, atleast I think I would, like to have a compatible woman in my life. But, I really don't see that ever happening. So, I don't consider that a possibility any more. That has made things easier for me.

The obvious thing to say is to stay away from someone that is in as bad of shape as your friend. Meth is in control of him and will make him do all kinds of crazy / possible violent things. I can only see him dragging you down with him. But, you still care about the person. That's a tough situation especially given your situation. I wish you well.
 

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