my struggle

[reynard_muldrake]

When? Because I've struggled with loneliness all my life. All through schooling, all my jobs, and even on message boards. When I did find one "friend", we drifted apart shortly. It's such a hardship that even depression "support" chats or forums come up short in regards to establishing connections. I'm not even sure what this post will bring, exactly. People often think to say "change things" as if the idea never came to mind.

So, there you have it: almost 30 years on this Earth and I'm still a loner. Somehow I'm to believe this is temporary? Thinking I've found a friend seems to be the only thing that's fleeting. Misery and loneliness always remain.

 

[Dandelion]

I know what you mean, meeting and keeping long term friends is way more difficult than everyone (who already has an established set of friends) makes it out to be. I have a few acquaintances but that's about it. I try to be outgoing and make connections with people but it never goes anywhere.

I m here to chat if you need a friend. I joined this site to make friends who know what its like to be lonely, so we already have one thing in common

 

[boonieghoul]

I've also joined to make, if not friends, then at least some kind of connection with other humans. I have almost no offline connections to other humans. I feel as though I've lost the ability to be anything but alone.

 

[mickey]

The difference between here and other places is that this place is specificially directed at people who are going through something like what you're going through. It's not a friendship market, but it's a place where you'll find lots of understanding.

And I don't believe that loneliness is a condition at all. It's a feeling or a state of mind. A lonely person can be surrounded by dozens of casual friends and still feel lonely, while someone in the wilderness 200 miles from the nearest other person might never feel lonely at all.

 

[HollowMan]

Same here. And my under-developed social skills and lack of experiences makes it harder. It's like I'm not a part of this world, almost like watching a movie instead.

 

[ubermensch47]

Hi there. I'm also 32, and I can very much relate to the difficult of making new friends. I agree that it is somewhat of a state of mind, but I don't believe that's all it is. We all have different needs for connection - some people are quite ok with small talk in a grocery store and some of us are wired to need deeper levels of connection and belonging and if we don't get our exact need met, we may feel lonely and it's okay to feel that way. I do actually have quite a lot of friends, but I honestly do not feel satisfied unless I am in a healthy, loving relationship. Since I'm not in one now, I have tried to get my social needs met through friendships, but since I recently moved back to the area I am originally from, many people have moved on. It was so easy to make friends in my 20s, but the 30s are notorious for being different. Most people are paired off or already have a full friend circle. I do suggest, only because it's what I do, working on yourself, examining the things about your thoughts that might be myths and what is it that you really need out of a good friend. Maybe you're looking in some of the wrong place too?

 

[Aisha]

State of mind. Yes. Some of us are wired this way. Sure. I am wired to want to be alone. And yes, loneliness is subjective, but regardless, it isn't something I want, it's just something I've come to accept and tolerate when it comes to friends. I have no expectations in that area. I do have family, which certainly helps with the loneliness, but I am away from them for most of the year. Circumstances throughout your life do play a definite role in shaping your current or future mental state.
Growing up, I moved homes probably more than was necessary. Losing friends became the norm. I came to understand the transience of most relationships pretty quickly. I went to several different schools, was home schooled for a year and skipped a year at the age of 12. Everyone else was 14, which is a significant difference during adolescence. I was also dealing with adjustment disorder at the time, having moved halfway across the world yet again and my family losing absolutely everything in the move. Since that was a lesson I learnt early on, I tend not to feel it too much if it happens now, which it does considering my circumstances and how the past few years have been. I have friends, people I care about, from various places around the world, but at this point they're widely scattered, so I can readily go months or years without hearing from any of them. And friendships change and fade as people do.
Meeting and making friends isn't so much the problem as keeping them. As you said Reynard, "Thinking I've found a friend seems to be the only thing that's fleeting". But that doesn't have to shape my attitude towards my life in general. Depression was not a choice, it is not a choice anyone makes. Misery on the other hand, definitely is one. I am no longer depressed, I am happy to be alive, and I choose not to be miserable.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

Hi there. I'm also 32, and I can very much relate to the difficult of making new friends. I agree that it is somewhat of a state of mind, but I don't believe that's all it is. We all have different needs for connection - some people are quite ok with small talk in a grocery store and some of us are wired to need deeper levels of connection and belonging and if we don't get our exact need met, we may feel lonely and it's okay to feel that way. I do actually have quite a lot of friends, but I honestly do not feel satisfied unless I am in a healthy, loving relationship. Since I'm not in one now, I have tried to get my social needs met through friendships, but since I recently moved back to the area I am originally from, many people have moved on. It was so easy to make friends in my 20s, but the 30s are notorious for being different. Most people are paired off or already have a full friend circle. I do suggest, only because it's what I do, working on yourself, examining the things about your thoughts that might be myths and what is it that you really need out of a good friend. Maybe you're looking in some of the wrong place too?

Are they good friends, though? Or are these friendships casual? I can certainly understand your feelings of loneliness if these weren't people you could open up to. If they are, though, you have it made socially. And it's always been hard. Teens, 20's... the process of acquiring friends has never been an easy one. I fear I will never find what I want.

You've mentioned the possibility of looking in the wrong places. I've tried assorted apps and forums. Given my interests (of which there are few), I'm not sure where else to look.

 

[ubermensch47]

Hey Renard. They are actually mostly good friends, but they are all so busy themselves, etc (kids, jobs, family, boyfriends, etc.). So, by your standards, I DO HAVE IT MADE! Unfortunately, there are times when none of them are available and I can only take so much time alone.

What is that you are looking for specifically? I say that maybe you're not looking in the best places, because this was something that I was doing. For example, I go to a really snotty university, and I kept trying to find friends there. I kept failing over and over, and so then I tried at an internship, and I failed. Then I tried with people in my building. Failed. But then I started going to tennis meet ups and Buddhist center meetings, and I started to find people who were a bit kinder and less about intellectual pursuit. I also tried several churches even though I am agnostic, and I found many of them to be off-putting. Finally, I found one church that was great. This is what i was referencing, so maybe this would help you, but I'm not sure. I live in a major city, so there are a lot more places to find my tribe. Still not easy though, god, not at all!