need advice on ex-gf wanting to be friends again

[SighX99]

So, I'm in a dilemma here. and could really use some advice.

Me and this girl started going out in the beginning of last summer. everything was great. We loved each other. She tried to break up with me once over text, but a day later we made up and everything was fine. A month after that, and we have been going out steadily for five months, she met up with me and said she wanted to be single again.

I was incredibly heartbroken. And right after she broke up with me, she changed her relationship status on fb. and posted a happy picture of her just by herself. I got pissed and deleted and blocked her. Day after that, she wanted her things back, and over the course of that day, I got really mad at her over text, said that she was terrible gf, used me, betrayed me and never loved me genuinely and that she is a messed up person. She got mad at me as well, deleted me and blocked me. I called her and said sorry, but she was really mad at me and said its over.

Two months later, i found out she unblocked me and found a new bf and showing him off on her fb, i got really sad and blocked her again.

fastforward to today, which is another two months after that, i decided to unblock her and check her out. turns out she unblocked me as well. shes single again. (idk if she ever found out that I knew about her new exbf.) I messaged her and telling her that I was really sorry, that I cherished every moment that we were together (like that time and that time etc etc. and that i never meant those angry words, and that she is perfect and that I cant find anyone quite like her, and shes special to me. Also, I wanted to have a positive closure "on this whole thing"

She replied back, saying she forgave me months ago, and that she needed time to be separated and rethink. She appreciates the "positive closure" She said that she thinks about our moments a lot as well. and shes asked me if I wanted to be friends.

What should I do? Does she want to be just friends or something more? I'm still in love with her, but idk if I can just be her friends. Or maybe she wants to restart again and be more than friends slowly. Should I be on guard? she did say she thinks about us a lot.

What do yall think? Thanks for reading.

 

[rudechaos]

If she wants to be friends, then settle for it. Don't expect something more at the moment. Love patiently accepts all things. Your renewed friendship could be the beginning of something more, just let it happen when it happens.

 

[edamame721]

If you're still in love with her, I'd suggest keeping some distance first. Or, if you decide to be friends, you need to carefully monitor your own feelings and figure out if you can get over them. Right now, she's single and it may seem easy to be her friend, but can you really wish her well if she starts dating again? Also, do you believe she can only see you as a friend?

(I'm asking these questions because I became friends with someone who rejected me and I carefully had to change my feelings into platonic ones. In they end, they didn't make the same efforts and got desperate enough for some action that they came on to me because I was around. Needless to say, we are no longer friends.)

 

[Sci-Fi]

^That.

Tread very carefully in those waters, very, very carefully.

 

[nerdygirl]

Personally, I wouldn't even bother trying to be friends. If she just wants to be friends, and you want more, it's going to cause you some grief, which could easily end up turning into resentment. Before you know it, you'd be back to being mean to each other, deleting, and blocking.

 

[9006]

If you're over her than being friends with your ex is fine, but I would not start a friendship with an ex in the hope of getting back together. Though to be honest she seems like she doesn't know what she wants and is unpredictable, she seems one of those people who 'goes with the flow' but then abandons it when she gets bored or changes her mind.

 

[SofiasMami]

Personally, I wouldn't even bother trying to be friends. If she just wants to be friends, and you want more, it's going to cause you some grief, which could easily end up turning into resentment. Before you know it, you'd be back to being mean to each other, deleting, and blocking.

Hi,
I agree. In my personal experience, getting back together with an ex is always a bad idea. Always.
Getting back together is usually born of desperation and fear of being alone and both you and her have likely glossed over the bad parts of your relationship.
I understand the effects of sadness & missing someone that you cared about, I've been there too. But don't do it, man! She dumped you once, don't give her another chance to reject you.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do

-Teresa

 

[MrE1986]

Personally I don't think being friends with an ex you were in love with can work.

 

[Dr. Strangelove]

I think there are certain situations where getting back, or being friends, with your ex is fine. It all depends on how and why you broke up. What kind of person they are etc. However, after reading what you describe I wouldn't touch that with a 30ft pole. Cut your losses. If you are afraid of being alone ask yourself what is worse; loneliness or heartbreak, dispair, jealously, anger and all the emotions that come from a breaking relationship.

 

[Okiedokes]

The fact that you are still in love with her could put you at risk for being let down, especially if she only wants to be friends. She also broke up with you once meaning she had enough thought to think it over awhile ago. It's a good chance she'd do it again. Just be really careful if you decide to try and be friends and limit the time spent together.

 

[lostatsea]

Not possible to friends with an ex when you don't think of her just as friends. It's like everything you want being rubbed in your face and you'll never have it. Self-torture.

 

[Case]

What should I do? Does she want to be just friends or something more? I'm still in love with her, but idk if I can just be her friends. Or maybe she wants to restart again and be more than friends slowly. Should I be on guard? she did say she thinks about us a lot.

What do yall think? Thanks for reading.

I have personal experience with this. A woman dumped me when I still had deep feelings for her. Six months after we broke up, I was finally over her but I wanted to be her friend. I offered her my friendship and she happily agreed. The only thing that helped me cope with any lingering feelings of love or infatuation was thinking of her as my sister. This brought a halt to any feelings I had for her, and transferred them to feelings of fondness and familial love. We've now been friends now for almost 10 years. We've been witness to each other's relationships, and I've become a sort of adopted member of her family.

How does this relate to you? I don't think you can be her friend right now because you're still in love with her. The danger is that if she doesn't want to "start things over," you will be in more unnecessary pain and you may be vulnerable to another angry outburst.

The solution? Be honest. Tell her you want her back eventually, and gauge her response. If she seems receptive to the possibility, proceed accordingly. But you must be transparent about your feelings. If she doesn't want anything more than friendship from you (like my friend,) you need to know NOW before you waste any of your time or hers.

 

[9006]

Personally I don't think being friends with an ex you were in love with can work.

I was friends with an ex for a while. We became friends after around 4/5 years after we split up, I really liked being round her but sometimes I still saw her in that way, I was still attracted to her but I knew nothing would come of it, it was quite sad and didn't feel good.

 

[Chris516]

Don't waste you time with her. She is playing with you heart strings.

My (ex)wife is the same way. I divorced her in 2000. Last year, when our son graduated from high school, I had not seen my ex-wife in several years. When she first saw me, she ran up to me, giving me a big hug. I just wanted to vomit.

 

[neuromai]

From my experience, it's better to move on and forget about an ex. But is some cases being friends are okay, but the expectation of getting back together should be a no no.

 

[Life Reaper]

Not possible to friends with an ex when you don't think of her just as friends. It's like everything you want being rubbed in your face and you'll never have it. Self-torture.

Agreed Im currently going through this it sucks but you only get stronger one day at a time

 

[benj]

V diff to stay friends especially when one of you meets someone else.
Hope it works out for you. I kissed my ex on Friday. Worst move ever cos were not getting back together and I feel all messed up. Staying friends is very hard emotionally especially if u still love each other but it just doesn't work long term. Much empathy. Some his a hug as well!

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Being around an ex, even if you get along, can be murder. I'm dealing with it right now- when you've had a relationship with someone, ended it, then have circumstances that put you back in frequent contact it makes moving forward (or having any other kind of relationship) pretty damned brutal.

 

[SighX99]

Update:

So, we have been friends again since beginning of Feb. now. I guess I still have feelings for her. She calls me sometimes to have dinner and thats about it. BUT it makes me feel a little bit better that we can see each other by accident on campus and still say hi instead of giving each other the hate eyes. but thats about it. she calls me once in a while (every week or two) to hangout, we help each other in terms of talking about future and questions regarding school. we have dinner and drink. thats about it. sometimes I go out of line and do stupid crap like trying to kiss her...(that can be dangerous but sometimes i cant help it, shes gotten in shape since then and looks so good sometimes.) she has stated she never dates exes, but she did dump me for one day and we got back together for a month before she dumped me again.

Valentines day.... I decided to write a cute card in Chinese, telling her how much I love her unconditionally, classy delicious cookies and candy. she accepted happily, but still nothing romantically from her. She is still cold to me.

We are only friends now, and mostly, like 76%, I'm happy that I still get to see her. but sometimes late at night, when I'm by myself I do bum about the whole thing. she complains to me that no one would be able to help her move, store things for the summer as shes leaving either to china or NV(where shes from) whereas before I was the one doing all that. Now I'm torn whether or not if I should help her do all those things as a friend. I don't really want to.

I'm not as sad and depressed as when she first really dumped me, the wound has healed mostly. it can still hurt sometimes.

 

[jaguarundi]

I think you are still hoping for something from her that you are never going to get. I don't believe that it's possible for you to just be friends with her when you still have feelings for her. If she can do that - be friends, then she does not have feelings for you, not in the way you want. Do not let yourself think otherwise.

As for helping her move..... Don't be a doormat! She has told you she will never date you again. Why let yourself be used? If you do all this for her, you are ...sorry to say it ... a complete idiot. And don't come back on here in a month or two moaning that she is seeing someone else and you had helped her move and stored her stuff etc. Because that is what will happen - and what's more, you know it in your heart. Otherwise you wouldn't be dithering about whether to help the little madam or not.