Need advice on how to fit in with a group

[Locke]

I'm supposed to hang out with a group of people next weekend - my girlfriend, her two brothers and their girlfriends. I've met her brothers before and they're nice enough, but they talk.....a lot. You know, like how people who aren't crippled by shyness and anxiety tend to do.

I'm not comfortable talking to even one person half the time, my mind just goes blank. This will be several people who all know each other well. I don't know how to fit into a group like that. I know what's going to happen - they'll all laugh and joke, have conversations and whatever else, and I'll just clam up. I can't carry on a conversation with that many people. I'll find the darkest corner possible and sit there quietly all night, pretending that I'm having fun. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's brothers will probably be wondering why their sister is dating a mute nutcase.

I really don't want to go, but my girlfriend made it clear that she wants me there. So, um.....any advice? Should I just figure out a way to get out of it? Maybe I should drink heavily before going?

Is injuring myself so that I'm in the hospital on that day a good option? Because that actually does sound like it would be less painful.

 

[murmi97]

Yeah, I'd totally want to get to know the brothers better before some big thing like this.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Just try to relax, just be yourself. Don't feel like you have to have to meet expectations. You're a nice person, Locke, I'm sure that's what matters. Let them lead the conversations then, and relax yourself, and respond accordingly. If you don't know what to say, just smile and say "yeah" lol that's what I always do when I can't think of anything to say. :S

I'm probably giving bad advice.. but just don't worry about it. The more you do, the more nerve-wrecking it gets and the more you might stumble on your words.

Have fun!! And good luck.

 

[theglasscell]

Just don't worry about it. Be yourself.

It's none of your business what others think of you.

I am generally not that shy in groups and can come across as a loudmouth. Sometimes I talk about things that put people off. In the end I learned not to care what people think of me.

I temper my personality at work because I'm there to do a job and get paid, but in social situations I couldn't care less what anyone thinks.

For example, I was at a big dinner a few weeks ago. I was having a conversation about the Manson murders and got carried away describing the details of Sharon Tate's death.

8 of the 12 people there were totally into it, but these two uptight couples were really freaked out by what I was saying. I hadn't meant to be rude but they took it that way. Since then they have been cold to me and treat me like I'm some kind of psycho.

The way I see it is that's their deal. I really don't care.

You don't need to get drunk or avoid the dinner.

Just think about what you like to talk about, and what brings you pleasure and find a way to bring that up during the dinner.

A lot of guys like to talk about sports, I hate talking about sports so that can be odd for me, but it is what it is.

Just focus on the positive. You have a girlfriend and a social life.

I would kill to have a girlfriend right now.

 

[PieBeNice]

Drink heavily.

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

Hey Locke.

My "advice" to you would be to take the pressure off yourself to "be something" or to "come off as something" to the brothers and their gals. So in short, just be yourself.

You said you know the brothers already, correct? Then introduce yourself to the girlfriends, say hi and stuff and then just take a backseat and let the chatterboxes do all the talking. But keep listening to what they say though because, you might actually find it funny but even random people talking about seemingly random stuff end up bringing up a topic that we know. So when they stop to take a breather or for an opinion, pitch in and give your opinion.

Or if you don't like talking altogether, just don't. But I don't think it is possible for a person to be in a group and be completely mute so don't worry, it'll come naturally.

Good luck. And let us know what happens...

 

[Runciter]

Listening is more important than talking. If you ask them about stuff they enjoy, you might find they'll do a lot of the talking. Just remember to pay attention to what they're saying, there might be a surprise test at the end...

I remember meeting a girlfriends brother when I was younger. I was pretty nervous about it, especially because he was a year older than me.Hhe turned out to be a dick, constantly trying to get one up on my "I've seen this band, my guitar is better than yours." That kind of petty remark. I kept smiling until my girlfriend went upstairs and just before I followed her I turned to him and whispered "Yeah, but I'm banging your sister," then smiled and walked off. I hadn't even had sex with her but you should have seen the look on his face! I wouldn't recommend this though, looking back I can't believe I had the balls to do it.

When the idea of meeting them is stressing you out, just remember, you have a girlfriend. I'm sure she'll appreciate you for doing it and you might even enjoy yourself. You might even get on with her brothers, who knows? Good luck though and let us know how it goes.

 

[Locke]

I really hate myself. Why is it that other people look forward to things like this, and I dread them? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate being alone, and I hate being around other people. How the f**k am I supposed to keep living like this?

I guess I'll try. If I don't, I risk upsetting the one person who actually wants to be in my life. If I go, I risk saying or doing something stupid. I'm sure the brothers have friends who they could set their little sis up with. Nice, normal guys who don't act like idiots in front of others.

Good idea, murmi. So should I maybe invite the brothers out for a beer this week? I don't drink much, but would that be the best way?

Lady, your advice is always good, and if you hadn't been willing to listen when I needed someone to talk to so often, I would be much worse off than I am. Thank you

theglasscell: I don't have a social life. Having a girlfriend is nice, but they expect you to go places and meet people, and I'm probably going to screw it up eventually and get dumped. What girl would want to be with me, when there are so many normal people to choose from?

I guess it seems like I'm complaining over simple things, and I probably look really stupid now. I shouldn't have made this thread. I'm just scared and I don't have anyone else to talk to. Thank you all for taking the time to talk and the advice.

 

[Runciter]

What girl would want to be with me, when there are so many normal people to choose from?

I don't think you realize how utterly normal your situation is.

Good luck with the meeting, I hope it surprises you and that you actually have some fun.

 

[Locke]

What girl would want to be with me, when there are so many normal people to choose from?

I don't think you realize how utterly normal your situation is.

Good luck with the meeting, I hope it surprises you and that you actually have some fun.

The situation might be normal, I really don't know. But I am not normal. I have panic attacks when I'm surrounded by people, sometimes I even pass out. Nothing about this will be fun or easy for me. Thanks for the luck, though.

 

[Edward W]

I basically agree with the others.

Just be yourself, if you keep meeting up it would be hard to keep up a pretence. Not sure about the drinking advice either, I'd rather someone I care for go out with a quiet person than a drunk!

Just listen and chime in with the conversation whenever you feel comfortable and can.

Good luck, and just relax. You might enjoy it more than you think you will. You'll be with your girlfriend, right?

 

[Locke]

I basically agree with the others.

Just be yourself, if you keep meeting up it would be hard to keep up a pretence. Not sure about the drinking advice either, I'd rather someone I care for go out with a quiet person than a drunk!

Just listen and chime in with the conversation whenever you feel comfortable and can.

Good luck, and just relax. You might enjoy it more than you think you will. You'll be with your girlfriend, right?

Thanks Edward. I'm probably just worrying too much. My girlfriend will be there, and she likes me. That should be enough. Who cares what anyone else thinks, I'm not dating them. I still don't think I'll have fun, but what everyone here has been telling me is finally starting to sink in.

 

[Runciter]

Thanks Edward. I'm probably just worrying too much. My girlfriend will be there, and she likes me. That should be enough. Who cares what anyone else thinks, I'm not dating them. I still don't think I'll have fun, but what everyone here has been telling me is finally starting to sink in.

Well said, I'm glad you're starting to see it that way. You're right about not caring about what they think. Remember, you're there for your girlfriend, not to impress some strange guys. Be respectful but don't be scared to disagree with them on something if you feel the need. you'll earn their respect by sticking to your beliefs and treating their sister right, not by sharing the same views and opinions as them.

When are you meeting them? I'm looking forward to finding out how it all turns out and again, I hope it all goes well.

Edit: Locke, I would +rep you for this but I've run out of points for the day... I'll owe you one

 

[Locke]

Well said, I'm glad you're starting to see it that way. You're right about not caring about what they think. Remember, you're there for your girlfriend, not to impress some strange guys. Be respectful but don't be scared to disagree with them on something if you feel the need. you'll earn their respect by sticking to your beliefs and treating their sister right, not by sharing the same views and opinions as them.

When are you meeting them? I'm looking forward to finding out how it all turns out and again, I hope it all goes well.

You're right. I'm doing this for her, not them. If she likes me enough that she wants me to spend time with her family, then I should be grateful for that and respect her enough to do it. The get together isn't until Saturday, and this thread might be buried by then. If I don't bump the thread, do you mind if I PM you on that day? I probably will need someone to talk to about it.

 

[Runciter]

You're right. I'm doing this for her, not them. If she likes me enough that she wants me to spend time with her family, then I should be grateful for that and respect her enough to do it. The get together isn't until Saturday, and this thread might be buried by then. If I don't bump the thread, do you mind if I PM you on that day? I probably will need someone to talk to about it.

I'd be more than happy to provide moral support, feel free to PM me whenever for whatever reason. I'll try to talk to you on friday if you're around to give you some words of encouragement. I now recommend that you listen to good, positive music to help keep your mood up and maintain your current mindset.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I now recommend that you listen to good, positive music to help keep your mood up and maintain your current mindset.

This.

Let us know how it goes. Good luck!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Here is a suggestion, being an introvert who mostly has extroverted friends.

Be a good listener, and let people talk about themselves.

People who are extroverted love to talk about themselves. They love to be the center of attention. I've learned that it's not necessarily how much you speak, but when you speak. Listen and respond when appropriate, but let them talk about themselves. They'll love it, and everybody appreciates a good listener.

 

[Felix]

Take it easy, listen and try to keep up with the conversation like Muse suggests, ask a few questions (2-3 tops, it can get annoying fast among young people). Groups can be intimidating, I know. But I'm sure it's gonna be fine, is not that hard... Everyone's gonna be with their respective gf chillin... Should be no biggie.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Oh, believe me, I hate groups too. But Felix is right, you can be the quiet listener type. If someone questions that, it's their problem.

 

[Locke]

Sounds like good advice, Muse. But with social anxiety and panic attacks, nothing is ever simple (You probably know at least partly what I mean). Even thinking of responses can be difficult sometimes. In truth, I've accepted that I will never have friends, except for maybe one or two people online. I'm quiet, weird and emotional, and that is not attractive to most people.

But still, it is good advice. I might be able to become a good listener, and this gathering might be good practice.

Thanks, Felix. You're right, everyone will just be chilling. Most people would find it fun. I really do hate myself because I can't. At least its not a wedding or something big like that.

Sorry guys, I'm depressed tonight. I try and stay positive on this forum and among people, but when I get home from work every night, the reality of how lonely and screwed up I am sits in. I'm just so tired of pretending that I can be normal, its exhausting.