never had a girlfriend

[AngryLoner]

Hmm I saw this post and knowing the subject I guess I just assumed I had already posted lol... but I guess not

anyways, I too am in this club. I'm 21, and I've never had a girlfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a girl I wasn't related to.

but noone I've ever known has ever asked me if I was gay though lol... I guess they just know I'm socially awkward...

 

[zeneida]

ive never had a girlfriend, and frankly, it has not really bothered me, until of late.
I always thought that, if you had good friends, you could last.

Same with me bear, I've never had a bf either and that fact never bothered me too much either (unless of course those instances where I find myself comforting the troubled woes of another single GF of mine) but recently it has been in my thoughts more naggingly. I always figured, as you did, that friendship was more importandt, and if you had but one real friend (the word here is REAL), who needs a bf or a gf? Now, the dilemma, what if you don't have any friends at all? Never had one and never will? I guess we all know the root of this 'singleness' concern of ours.

But now im out of touch with my friends, and feeling the need for a compatible partner, and i havent the faintest idea what to do?

I'm better at giving others advice than helping myself out of such situations. It seems that although you may not have the support of the friendship you once had, the fact that YOU HAD FRIENDS, says that you are capable of creating and nourishing new ones. I don't think you have to go around and look for that special person just yet, let yourself adjust to your new situation and environment. Create friendships, join clubs or groups that interests you, socialize in areas you're most comfortable with. In time, once you've adjusted to the place and the people, take a chance, go on dates. Going on a date does not necessitate than you open up completely, it merely helps you to get comfortable with the situation as you did with friendships and the environment. Perhaps your new friends can help set you up? Perhaps the dating scene goes badly but in this case 'practice makes perfect'. The more dates you go out with (try casual dating), the easier it is to socialize and estimate or gauge yourself as well as your date. From then on, it's really up to you and luck.

I do believe that its whats inside a human's soul that matters, as opposed to the body, and that i would make a decent partner, but ill admit that im not the most good looking of boys a girl could ever wish for, but im not open enough for other people to see the type of person i am.

What should i do?

You may take your looks lightly but trust me, the insight you have given us makes you 'the ideal guy'. Many girls go ga ga over the handsome & attractive guys but first impressions (even seconds or thirds) only get you so far. In the end, all a girl wants is a partner who understands them, who sees what's in their soul. The fact that you hold this highly, sets you far apart from most guys. Basically, in other words, others maybe DATING potential guys but you are a MARRIAGE-COMMITMENT kind of guy, whether you have those defenses up or not. Just follow my advice, it's difficult to get those defenses down when the environment and the people make you feel alienated. So the first thing you should do is get rid of these obstacles, make this new place of yours a second home, from then on, you can work on the intimacy/opening-up issue.

I'll admit that I'm one of the most good looking of girl's a guy could ever wish for (kinda arrogant no? Well, let me rephrase that, I'm not too dreadful to look at), but lookee here, I'm 27 and never had a bf! Yikes! So, like I said, looks can only take you so far, but character, that's something else! Like you, I don't open up easily or when I do, it's at an inopportune moment or I shut down completely. So you have it way better than I'll ever have it. Consider yourself Prince Charming!

 

[zeneida]

You don't sound like a moron, you're just being harsh on yourself.
Your marks are probably low because of depression.

I guess it could be true, but I've been called stupid, a moron, a retard and many other harsh names like that by people many times. I try my hardest in school, but I still can't seem to get decent marks, nevermind actually pass math this year.

I agree with mimizu BrokenDreams, most of my young life (from kindergarten until highschool) were reflected by extremely poor grades, no matter how hard I tried. Now that I recall, my young life was marked by poor grades, poor social life and almost everything else! Depression does that to you. At that time, I never thought much of myself intellectually because the fact was, I did very poorly academically. I thought I was the dumbest and most clueless person then and people were just too obliging to confirm my beliefs. But, college was the turning point for me, I decided "hmmm...new college, new image, new environment - why not?", things improved rather dramatically, socially as well as academically. I think that perhaps your current environment is not very nourishing to your self-esteem because truthfully, your posts indicate that you are cerebral enough. You have what it takes to put Shakespeare or the guy friend of yours in his place but you just haven't found your groove yet. You just need to find a something to stimulate your confidence and get out of that spunk.

 

[zeneida]

Also, speaking of schools... If I was in charge of a school, I would make sure no kids feel excluded. I would develop a special program for "social adjustment"... there would be clubs on various interests (that the students choose themselves), and lonely/friendless children would be aggressively saught for and attached into clubs with other friendly children, and guided to make friends... there would even be a program to make sure those kids visit each other and spend some time together after school... some people are just socially "slack"... like I used to be.

I wasn't bullied, but I didn't make any effort to know people... as a result I ended up being completely isolated because I made 0 friends in school and I have a very small family, just mom and dad. No uncles, no cousins, no visits to other families.

I wish somebody would have helped me back when I was 10... and already began to be socially isolated.

I think... Just like education is mandatory, because otherwise most people would be illiterate, social education should be mandatory too...

Schools exist to make children develop the skills necessary to survive in society.. aren't social skills also needed?

Maybe it might do more bad than good, I don't know.. but I think such a program would have helped me as a child...

It would definitely be nice if no one felt excluded but I don't think that can ever be possible. Humans, at least current ones, have always had a tendency to band together and exclude others. I do agree that "social adjustment" should be given a lot more concern than school administration (or society for that matter) would care to, as I honestly believe 'social education' is more important and vital than any other form of education. People live in society (in cities, in bands or small towns or whatnot), and one cannot get anywhere or achieve anything fulfilling (and I mean this literally) without the intrinsic knowledge of interrelationships. As for how to achieve this? I have no idea really, but I know this, I think the focus should be more on individual support rather than social adjustment. A person can learn to interact and be more trustful of people if they learn early on that there are people we can depend on. One person or supportive person is more than enough to make someone feel needed, more confident and more trustful of others but this nurturer should be around during the most imperative years (childhood-adolescence) or else it may be but too late. Having a more confident and well-rounded attitude allows a person to adapt more easily to the laws and understanding of social interaction.

I too wish that I had more aptitude (early on as well as currently) in social inter-relations, life would definitely have been less traumatic.

 

[zeneida]

I just have a question. Is it really necessary to "love" (whatever that is) and be loved in this world? I've made an effort to supress my emotions as best as I can due to the fact that I was ignored and generally excluded from most social groups throughout my school years (still don't really have any friends in University). I've never asked a girl out, and consequently none have ever shown interest in me. This is understandable, I don't really deserve a girlfriend seeing as how I'm way too shy. But I'm wondering if it's possible to supress your emotions to the point that you become an empty shell.....that would help me a great deal seeing as how the only emotion I still feel is anger towards myself for my social situation. If I could eliminate the problem of my emotions, I would no longer feel lonely!

Yes it is necessary to be loved and to love, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, it can be fraternal or familial. Personally, I believe you can find your soul mate in your friend, father/mother, brother/sister, 'gf/bf/wife/husband or in anyone really, it doesn't have to be romantic love. Given that, it's still difficult to find that 'someone' you can connect with, I'm still on the look-out for one but I doubt I can find this 'connection' with anyone at all (I forgot my dad, I think on some level I connect with him and only him, but he's rarely home as he's based on another country, as such, I can't really tell him my problems - he has enough to deal with already). Suppressing your emotions will only get you so far, eventually you'll break emotionally and mentally and you might not be able to patch yourself up again. So, yes it is better to feel and be hurt than to feel altogether numb (except for anger). Besides, if you do find someone who can love you, you'll only end up neglecting or hurting them if you're incapable of returning their love, you might not even recognize this soul mate of yours which would be really sad. That's the problem I have with my mom, I don't think she's capable of loving anyone but herself (she had a pretty bad childhood). The problem now is, I'm completely dependent on her for emotional support as I don't have anyone really but now that I'm older I can see through her facade more clearly (facade of 'love'). So now that I don't have anyone, I feel more alone because of this abandonment (by her) that I can't help but feel, her numbness definitely has destroyed my life.

I understand what you're going through, I often wish I could be just as numb, life may seem to get better but it doesn't, you'll only end up hurting others the way you were hurt by others.

 

[zeneida]

Hmm I saw this post and knowing the subject I guess I just asusmed I ahd already posted lol... but I guess not

anyways, I too am in this club. I'm 21, and I've never had a girlfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a girl I wasn't related to.

but noone I've ever known has ever asked me if I was gay though lol... I guess they just know I'm socially awkward...

I'm the same AngryLoner, I started talking to guys in college but only because it was necessary, not as friends or anything. I've never had a guy friend either. Recently, I was beginning to have a close friendly relationship with a guy, I saw him as a father figure as my dad's away from home but alas he had other agendas. He's in his 40s and married but tried to hide that fact from me, as if I'd be interested in a guy so much older than me who's already married and tried to hide it even! Nonetheless, I felt betrayed so now I'm back to square one I've never had a boyfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a guy I wasn't related to.

I guess, most of us are in the same boat huh? Somehow, I know it's wrong, but it comforts me that I'm not the only one with the same predicament!:shy:

 

[AngryLoner]

Hmm I saw this post and knowing the subject I guess I just asusmed I ahd already posted lol... but I guess not

anyways, I too am in this club. I'm 21, and I've never had a girlfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a girl I wasn't related to.

but noone I've ever known has ever asked me if I was gay though lol... I guess they just know I'm socially awkward...

I'm the same AngryLoner, I started talking to guys in college but only because it was necessary, not as friends or anything. I've never had a guy friend either. Recently, I was beginning to have a close friendly relationship with a guy, I saw him as a father figure as my dad's away from home but alas he had other agendas. He's in his 40s and married but tried to hide that fact from me, as if I'd be interested in a guy so much older than me who's already married and tried to hide it even! Nonetheless, I felt betrayed so now I'm back to square one I've never had a boyfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a guy I wasn't related to.

I guess, most of us are in the same boat huh? Somehow, I know it's wrong, but it comforts me that I'm not the only one with the same predicament!:shy:

that feeling of comfort will pass (go downers). It has for me at least. I mean knowing there are other people out there is all good I guess but it doesn't really change anything. Ya don't know why I felt the need to point that out lol. Guess I'm just feeling melodramatic today...

Those types of guys really creep me out to be honest... I can't imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for you lol. Anywho, feel free to pm me if you feel you need more friends...

 

[zeneida]

Hmm I saw this post and knowing the subject I guess I just asusmed I ahd already posted lol... but I guess not

anyways, I too am in this club. I'm 21, and I've never had a girlfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a girl I wasn't related to.

but noone I've ever known has ever asked me if I was gay though lol... I guess they just know I'm socially awkward...

I'm the same AngryLoner, I started talking to guys in college but only because it was necessary, not as friends or anything. I've never had a guy friend either. Recently, I was beginning to have a close friendly relationship with a guy, I saw him as a father figure as my dad's away from home but alas he had other agendas. He's in his 40s and married but tried to hide that fact from me, as if I'd be interested in a guy so much older than me who's already married and tried to hide it even! Nonetheless, I felt betrayed so now I'm back to square one I've never had a boyfriend, kissed or hugged, or even had a conversation with a guy I wasn't related to.

I guess, most of us are in the same boat huh? Somehow, I know it's wrong, but it comforts me that I'm not the only one with the same predicament!:shy:

that feeling of comfort will pass (go downers). It has for me at least. I mean knowing there are other people out there is all good I guess but it doesn't really change anything. Ya don't know why I felt the need to point that out lol. Guess I'm just feeling melodramatic today...

Those types of guys really creep me out to be honest... I can't imagine how uncomfortable that must have been for you lol. Anywho, feel free to pm me if you feel you need more friends...

That's a bit depressing but I get where you're coming from nonetheless. Yes, he was creepy inside and out! Thanks for the friendly invite AngryLoner, I'm new here so at least now I have 1 new friend.

 

[Chris 2]

My mom doesn't want me to have a friend that is a girl, much less a gf...and I'm in college for gosh sake.

 

[zeneida]

My mom doesn't want me to have a friend that is a girl, much less a gf...and I'm in college for gosh sake.

Perhaps you should consider dorming or boarding, your mom must be quite something if she doesn't even want you to have a girl who is a friend! I can perhaps understand her not wanting you to get a girlfriend yet but a girl who is a friend? That's way too controlling, even for my Asian standards!

 

[AngryLoner]

Lol, my mom would probably be ecstatic if I ever told her I met a girl...