New Guy

[gollim]

Howdy folks.....i just found yalls site....looks interesting so thought i may give it a go. I try not to think about my situation much,but as I get older I realize that the more i go thru life the worst off im becoming.

An FYI on me......im 32 yr old male been married for 9 yrs.....have 3 children.....none of which are from me and my wife together......she had a son and a daughter when i met her......I had a son. I adopted her 2 very early in the married,nothing that i would ever regret.....but just adds in on my situation i guess.

Im a very affectionate person,always have been,my wife is the complete oppisate. As the years have gone by and job promotions and lifestyle changes it has become a shell of a relationship.....very sugar coated on the outside.

I have tried to talk to her about this for over the last year or so.....she tells me if i dont like the way things are that i should go.....that shes not changing for anyone,that shes very content with her life. I moved down here to lousiaiana on a job in 1998 met her and stayed. All her family is here with her friends........i get so lonely most days i cry......yes sad i know......I wont leave my children so i suck it up.....but meing so alone all the time sucks,nevermind not having any sort of sensual type interaction in oh god i dont know how long.

I turned my life to video games....online types.....at least some social interactions that i can partake in......that also being sad.

well im sorry for the rant guys being new and all i should have just said "hi" but its been a long bad day and just felt like typing.....thnx again in advance if u read this.....ill be sure to stop by often.....as i have no one else to talk to anyway

 

[Blue Sky]

Hi Gollim and welcome to the forum, I hope that you will find some new friends here.

 

[jjam]

Let me get this straight.
She feels you should leave if you're unhappy, although you shared your concerns with her out of hopes that you and her can co-work towards reaching a happier state as a couple?

You know, I'd start to feel unloved on that basis. Based on what you've said, I get the impression she's the indifferent one. I know I can have some crazy ideas, but indifference doesn't sound like love to me. If the woman I loved felt there was something I or we could do to improve OUR relationship, then I'd be a fool to be closed or indifferent to accommodating her. That sounds like a major ingredient to losing her.

So yeah, give it a few more shots, but if she continues to show indifference , I'd say leave. Go and find happiness with someone who actually wants happiness with you, even if it takes work/adjustments.

 

[teach]

Hi Gollim,

Welcome. Really sorry about what's going on. I agree with Jjam about her being indifferent. I also understand your point of the kids. You've been together a long time. Fortunately, you've adopted the children, so you'd still have rights. It would be much harder if you hadn't adopted, then you may never see them. How does her family react to you?

Oh, since you used this as an intro, I'm going to slide it over to the new-members forum.

 

[Whoaisme]

I would want to ask how long you two were together before you got married and did you both get together originally out of desperation?

It's sounds to me like your relationship only exists for the comfort of having a relationship or for the children, but that's it. Do you know her well enough to know she's not cheating?

 

[gollim]

We were together awhile.......and due to the way our schedules are cheating really isnt an option for her......we have just grown apart i guess......the other nite when i wrote my intro (rough one) lol I was very upset,while it all holds true i really try to stay a passive type person,I just hate feeling so lonely all the time even with all these ppl around.... no genuine friendships.....probably my own fault.......I suclude myself from others becuz of trust/abandonment/whatever else to the point that I am alone.......I came up with this thought yesturday......I am making myself miserable i guess.....but i have done it my whole life and even though I know the problem idk if i can fix it.

 

[Whoaisme]

You can always fix it... the first step is to get yourself out of seclusion. You know by being in seclusion you may be, in a way, ignoring your own children. I'm guessing that your children are in their teens or preteens (at the latest) and although you may think they can take care of themselves, they can't.

You need to try to get out of the house if you can... either with your kids or if you have your own hobby.

 

[hiding]

Hi gollim!

I'm new too, joined just yesterday, but for what it's worth I thought I could help. I agree with whoaisme. And I've been in a similar relationship (tho no kids). I really understand what you're saying about trying to stay a passive type person (I'm good at that too...), and I know exactly how it feels to be left "dangling" next to a partner who has a complete support system of family and friends and just doesn't get, or want to get, that you are miserable.

But gollim, I think it only prolongs the pain to be passive. What has worked for me is to join a sports club. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but if you have ever played a sport, you could join a local Park & Rec team, softball or volleyball or whatever. If you don't like sports then you could try arts&crafts lessons or a fishing club or the like. But I found sports worked really because of the physical stimulation, which helps when you aren't getting cuddles at home. (yeah sorry, it even hurts to write that )

I also found it made me feel better to be able to go out and unplug from the hurt and frustration and be "normal" with people who didn't yet know me personally. And I think when I got my own "thing" separate from my boyfriend he actually started to pay more attention to me (sometimes) -- I was not just there all the time like a piece of furniture.

Also, maybe your wife is sort of calling your bluff with her refusing to change. Maybe she does still care for you and wants you to stay, but takes you for granted, figures she can tell you "like it or leave it" because she knows you won't leave.... So she can end the conversation right there, you know? If you get friends/acquaintances she doesn't know, which happens automatically when you play a sport regularly or take classes of some sort, she might start thinking differently. Might start thinking you could actually go on without her, and then she might be more willing to try and understand what you are missing in the relationship.

Of course I could be wrong. But I think you can and should go out and get the human contact that we all need -- and DESERVE.

Hope you feel better soon, and let us know how it's going, ok?