New here, and how does it work?

[Batman55]

I just thought I would say hello quickly, and skimp on the personal details as much as possible, I prefer not to write a detailed introduction as I tend to provide more information if/when I feel that I belong.

Just lurking for a few days and reading posts of interest here and there, I have noticed some things that could make-it-or-break-it in terms deciding to stay. I thought I would ask how things work, and whether the trends I've noticed are for real, or perhaps infrequent and unimportant as I'm hoping.

1) I've seen some posts, in particular from men who've shared frustration about "gettin' a girl," where the responses were essentially pessimistic. I would think this is a forum for support, not a place where it is encouraged that someone in pain should accept their problems and forget about hope.

2) I have also seen a lot of posts where the poster makes it a point about how accomplished he/she is. I'm not sure if that's because people like to counteract the negative perception of loneliness with the "but I'm so darn good in other ways!" or it's just this forum is full of accomplished people, or what. More to the point, I'm not accomplished in any way, and I wonder if that's acceptable. The very fact of my incredibly low productivity may be one of the biggest reasons for loneliness, among other issues caused by it.

All in all, many of the topics here--and the things I plan to discuss--are naturally difficult. I worry if there is some sort of "pecking order" in place that dictates who can dish "tough love" and who cannot. I think the best way to avoid the problems I have mentioned is for a supportive attitude to be in place, and I'm just not yet convinced that this is the operational rule here. I'm aware that the inherent crappiness of life means unpleasant things are said anyway, but by the same token, I'll admit I'm sensitive to criticism. I'm not sure this is the place for such a person.

Anyone?

 

[Locke]

1) I've seen some posts, in particular from men who've shared frustration about "gettin' a girl," where the responses were essentially pessimistic. I would think this is a forum for support, not a place where it is encouraged that someone in pain should accept their problems and forget about hope.

Loneliness can cause pessimism, among other things. I have not seen very many people encourage others to forget about hope. There are quite a few positive and friendly people on this site. However, just like any other forum there are negative posts sometimes.

2) I have also seen a lot of posts where the poster makes it a point about how accomplished he/she is. I'm not sure if that's because people like to counteract the negative perception of loneliness with the "but I'm so darn good in other ways!" or it's just this forum is full of accomplished people, or what. More to the point, I'm not accomplished in any way, and I wonder if that's acceptable. The very fact of my incredibly low productivity may be one of the biggest reasons for loneliness, among other issues caused by it.

People talk about their lives here and their accomplishments. I'm not sure why you would view this as a bad thing. You are welcome here no matter where you are in life or what you have accomplished.

All in all, many of the topics here--and the things I plan to discuss--are naturally difficult. I worry if there is some sort of "pecking order" in place that dictates who can dish "tough love" and who cannot. I think the best way to avoid the problems I have mentioned is for a supportive attitude to be in place, and I'm just not yet convinced that this is the operational rule here. I'm aware that the inherent crappiness of life means unpleasant things are said anyway, but by the same token, I'll admit I'm sensitive to criticism. I'm not sure this is the place for such a person.

There is no pecking order. Post what you want within the rules of the forum, and if a mod tells you something or warns you, listen to them. There are supportive people here. Not everyone is going to be supportive or critical, we're really just like everyone else. If you're looking for a online support group where everyone is always positive and never critical, this might not be what you're looking for. But if you want a nice forum where you can make some friends and participate in interesting conversations, than you are in the right place.

Some of what I have said in this post is my opinion, and others may see things differently. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Welcome to the forum, Batman.

 

[Edward W]

Hi and welcome.

I have found the site to be very supportive, however if you start a discussion 'All girls are stupid because I can't get a girlfriend', don't be surprised if the response is negative.

Generally you will get back what you give, if you are supportive, or have genuine discussions then you'll receive support and genuine responses, not all of which you may agree with. This is a diverse group of individuals after all.

Personally I think this is a good place, so I truly hope you find what you are looking for here.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Welcome to the forum, and pretty much what the two above said. Just think before you post and try to put yourself in the other persons shoes before clicking that reply button.

 

[Runciter]

Welcome to the forum.

I think we're going to get on just fine, you and I. I agree that some of the stuff people here are going through is tough, but wallowing in self pity isn't going to help anyone.

As for the pecking order, just get stuck in and feel free to deal out the truth to people wherever you want. As long as your somewhat sensitive to peoples problems you're good.

 

[9006]

Welcome to the site.

 

[Batman55]

I appreciate the responses, but let it be said that I *do* detect a high degree of "snark" in threads where someone is either asking for sympathy or support, or simply wallowing in self-pity (and therefore looking for compassion.) Which, actually, should comprise a lot of threads in a place like this.

I have been in many different forums that discuss personal problems, and I can say there are definitely posts here that would have been deleted elsewhere. This is after all not a hobbyist forum or for stamp collectors, this is a place where people with real-life difficulties are coming for support and not cynical responses that run the gamut of "give up, man, that's what works" to "get over it and grow up" to even juvenile humor about female bodily functions. This is not tough love, this is the result of a group mentality, or simply a modding style that believes you should not delete posts.

I saw all these things in about 10 threads at the most. I come as someone who will admit to being sensitive to criticism, and it comes as a surprise that shy people are being subjected to this level of insensitivity and cynicism. I would think many shy or lonely people became that way due to fear of criticism.

It all seems a bit illogical to me. I've come across snarky responses in other places, but it's not the norm, it's the exception. If there is indeed another forum that supports shy people who do not want to be ridiculed (unless, of course, they are simply begging for it), I'd like to be directed to it.

My apologies if anyone is offended by this, I did not intend it to come off that way. I think everyone has a style of therapy that works for them, it's just I'm not seeing it here, not as yet.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Welcome. In my experience this site is just a place for lonely people. I like that about it. You get lots of different people here for lots of different reasons, people stay and some go for many different reasons. It's not like a designated help group, it's not about getting therapy or self help, to me it just is, exactly what it says, a lonely life.

All different kinds of folks here.

Welcome again and feel free to check out the chat. Lots of good folks here.

 

[Runciter]

I for one am glad that these forums aren't heavily moderated, free-speech is a hard thing to come by these days and I'm thankful for it.

I understand that you're sensitive to criticism but have you ever considered that this sensitivity might make it look as though a post is 'snarky,' when it is completely well intended?

People who come here to wallow in self-pity will not get that behavior reinforced from me. I will happily point out the flaws in people in a respectful way because I believe this should be a place where people can learn to improve themselves and get advice from people who have been through the same. By just providing compassion without criticism we would be just reinforcing their behavior even more. But when I offer criticism to someone in need, I am always compassionate about their feelings.

As for: "cynical responses that run the gamut of "give up, man, that's what works" to "get over it and grow up" to even juvenile humor about female bodily functions." Just because this is a forum for the lonely doesn't mean we can't have fun! In the same way that just because I'm a fully grown adult, doesn't mean I can't enjoy childish bodily function jokes. As for the cynicism, i can't say I've really noticed any, but then I have a thick skin for this kind of thing. What I will say though, is if you can't take those criticisms on an anonymous forum then you're going to need to deal with that sooner or later, or life is going to be very tough indeed.

Just my opinions about what I've seen here. Though I'd like to add that you can only learn so much about the people here by reading, why don't you join in on some of the threads and express your opinion there?

 

[Locke]

I agree with TropicalStarfish: This is not a support group, it is a forum for lonely people to talk. I thought I made that clear in my earlier post. If you want to be directed to a support group, maybe try dailystrength.org?

You are still completely welcome here as far as I'm concerned, but personally I'd appreciate it if you didn't judge an entire forum full of people based off of reading 10 threads and your own pre-conceived notions of what this site should be.

I have recieved quite a bit of kindness and support since I started posting here, and I would take this site over any online support group I've ever been to. No one has ever told me "give up, man," and I have never seen anyone say that in a serious manner. I have no idea why you believe we are all like that, especially considering that thus far, we have been welcoming and polite to you.

I would be lost without the friendships I've found here. I truly hope you find something similar someday. My advice is to not be so quick to judge people.

Again, you are welcome here. Whether you stay or not, I wish you luck.

 

[Batman55]

Well I don't think I was clear as I could have been in the last post.

First of all I don't mean to make you think I'm some important person who you would be "missing out" on, were I to leave. I'm simply trying to figure out what the deal is here.

Secondly about looking for therapy, no I wouldn't say that's the aim. But I am looking for some support and optimism, and I expect others are as well. That doesn't mean I expect that biting criticism won't happen--but I'm thinking if it does happen, it should be justified.

Ideally this place would be a haven for not just the lonely, but also the shy, socially anxious, mildly autistic folks who have secondary causes in the background. If this is not an inclusive place, then it's not for me. If the idea of political correctness is foreign here, it's not for me.

About offensive humor, I understand some people have a large appetite for expressing themselves that way. But if someone is looking for support, I'd say derailing their thread with vulgar humor is in poor taste.

 

[Runciter]

Well I don't think I was clear as I could have been in the last post.

First of all I don't mean to make you think I'm some important person who you would be "missing out" on, were I to leave. I'm simply trying to figure out what the deal is here.

Secondly about looking for therapy, no I wouldn't say that's the aim. But I am looking for some support and optimism, and I expect others are as well. That doesn't mean I expect that biting criticism won't happen--but I'm thinking if it does happen, it should be justified.

Ideally this place would be a haven for not just the lonely, but also the shy, socially anxious, mildly autistic folks who have secondary causes in the background. If this is not an inclusive place, then it's not for me. If the idea of political correctness is foreign here, it's not for me.

About offensive humor, I understand some people have a large appetite for expressing themselves that way. But if someone is looking for support, I'd say derailing their thread with vulgar humor is in poor taste.

Whether you stay or go I'm sure makes no difference to anyone here, but the fact that we're happy to answer your questions before you decide whether you want to stay should tell you something.

But there's only so much you can accuse us of having poor taste when all you've done is read other peoples discussions. I'm against the idea of both inclusiveness and political correctness but that doesn't mean I want everyone else to think the same as I do. I like this place because of it's diversity. If you're looking for a place where everyone is like you, this isn't it.

Look, you can ask as many questions as you like but the only way you'll really know if this place is right for you is by joining in. You don't have to give us your life history to be able to get stuck into the conversations. Why not just try it out, if you're offended by something feel free to point it out and you're free to leave whenever you want.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey Batman, welcome to the forum.

I saw all these things in about 10 threads at the most. I come as someone who will admit to being sensitive to criticism, and it comes as a surprise that shy people are being subjected to this level of insensitivity and cynicism. I would think many shy or lonely people became that way due to fear of criticism.

It all seems a bit illogical to me. I've come across snarky responses in other places, but it's not the norm, it's the exception. If there is indeed another forum that supports shy people who do not want to be ridiculed (unless, of course, they are simply begging for it), I'd like to be directed to it.

Believe me, I know what you mean here. Sometimes I do see it too around here, there have been serious or jokable banters be it appropriate or not in different threads, but for the length of time I've been here, I can vouch for the fact that there are a lot of wonderful supportive people on this forum who dotry to help where they can. It's amazing the number of awesome people I've met just from this forum. I think that's what counts really.

 

[Batman55]

Well then I have to ask why you would be against the idea of inclusiveness in terms of a forum designed to help, and not denigrate, the shy, lonely, put-upon people who want to feel like they belong. Just like yourself, I assume, since you're here?

Political correctness may not be for everyone, and it has a broad definition; in general, though, for me it boils down to those hot and heavy moments where you're reacting to someone. It's the difference between calling someone retarded and assuming they're tough enough to take it, which is no excuse really, or using less controversial terms and dropping the issue. Again I don't see why this attitude would be permitted here: so let's just make shy people and low-confidence folks feel more unwelcome, that's the idea right?

I would suggest an elitist attitude in a place like this would be a strange fit, at the least.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Well then I have to ask why you would be against the idea of inclusiveness in terms of a forum designed to help, and not denigrate, the shy, lonely, put-upon people who want to feel like they belong. Just like yourself, I assume, since you're here?

Everyone reacts to another person according to their own judgement / opinion. I can't make other people change, but I can be there to help where I can. Different people are here for different reasons. Mine is just to help whoever needs it, where I can or am capable to. And there are my down days too, when I just need a place for distraction - this is it.

Again I don't see why this attitude would be permitted here: so let's just make shy people and low-confidence folks feel more unwelcome, that's the idea right?

I don't think that sort of behaviour is generally accepted here. You can't have it all perfectly the way it should be. There will always be some clashing in opinions and comments. Most, or majority of the members here I know do try to help the shy, low and lonely peeps.

 

[Runciter]

I would argue that a demographic of inclusiveness to the shy and socially anxious would breed a culture of reinforcing each others negative behaviors. I see no point of tiptoeing around the truth to try to prevent the possibility of hurting somebody's feelings. If someone is so deeply offended by the comments of some stranger online then their problems will have to be faced in one way or another if that person is to make it in the big, cruel world.

Your views on political correctness are your own to make up. Frankly I'm offended by the idea that you seem to think this is a place where bullying is accepted. Like I said before, perhaps you are interpreting comments that were intended in good faith to be offensive due to your sensitivity but if that is the case then I see no better way to learn how to deal with that issue than to put yourself in a position where you have to deal with it.

Personally, I'm not here for sympathy, nor to feel as though I fit in with a group of people who are just like me. I'm here to address my own issues and all I want from people is truth and honesty.

Frankly, I'm not sure why you're still here. You seem to be making it clear that you don't like this place due to your use of comments such as: "elitist attitude," as well as sarcastic remarks like: "so let's just make shy people and low-confidence folks feel more unwelcome, that's the idea right?" But I still think you're being far to quick to judge us here considering you still haven't made a post outside this thread.
You might find some of our attitudes offensive but have you considered that perhaps you might be causing offense by coming here and basically testing and judging us to see whether we meet your high standards? I'm still not even sure why you feel the need to make a thread like this, surely a better way of knowing if these forums are for you is to just get involved in the conversations instead of just watching from the sidelines? This is the third time I've mentioned this now but you seem to be ignoring me.

I hope to see you around in the forums but I will not be treating you with any special attention just because you have social anxiety. Surely that's what all socially anxious people want? To be treated like every other member of society and not be given special treatment?

 

[Locke]

Well said, Runciter. Batman, I find it a bit odd that you come here complaining that we are rude and critical: We have been welcoming to you and done our best to answer your concerns. Meanwhile, you have been rude and overly critical towards us. Do you really not see the irony in your actions?

And yes, that was a criticism. If you continue to focus on the negative and judge people unfairly, you will never get anywhere solving your own issues (whatever they may be).

If my honest criticism or advice that was meant to help has hurt your feelings, fear not: I am done with this thread. Your unfair and unfounded criticisms has worn my patience out.

Good luck to you.