Sounds not good, Jafo. But strangely close to how I feel and did lately. House is nearly empty by now. Getting rid of a burden, in a way.
You did not die in your sleep because it was not yet your time to go, I guess. As it was not yet mine. I think, there is still this "hope thing" that keeps us going, no? And why not? In one point I'm better off as you: I like my job, albeit I have to give it up soon. Can't you find something else to earn your life? I know, you don't care anymore. But since nothing seems to matter anymore it could be worth to try a new start, could it not?
Without regret, you write. That is a good thing. Why regret to have given things away. It is done and over and gives place to other "things". Not necessarily stuff. I don't like my life either and would like to have a new one. But a new one seems to be impossible to obtain. So even if it is a schlepp I just try to make an effort to do some rebuilding on the old one. Well, I try.
Can't you try the same? Some systematically rebuilding? Yes...I know, you don't care anymore. But you are here and you write and you express yourself. So you do still care a little bit. You want to be heard. And strangely enough: you are