no relationship when I should have had by now

[Lonesome Crow]

well...I listen to Brain sync. Its suppost to help increase right/left brain syncronize.
Another factor for me is...I'm left handed/right brain. So I'm a bit more into touch
with my emotions. which helps me when communicating with women.
Thats why I get all emotional and wrap up in women..and they like it.
However I tend to loose myself in relationships and make some of my decisions
base on my emotions...not always a good idea.lol
All logic gose out the window when it comes to Renae...

Yes...ignorOne
Ask her just to go hang out or something simple. Be persistent but not over baring.
Even if she dose say "no"..it's not always you. She might have issues of her own.
So dont over think it or internalize it.
it's good practice for you to approch women anyway..just look at this like that.
If she say "yes"..just go on from there...go with the flow.

I'd personally give a woman..3 swings. after the 3 third swing. i pretty much
just let her go...better yet, I'm like your lost not mine..thats just the attitude I carry.

If she say "no"..go with the flow. Move on to the next woman you find attractive.
You'll simply get better as you go,,,just like anything else.

Sometimes...it'll even be like this.
You'll ask 10 -15 chicks out...no bite. but you just keep on moving forward...without going too crazy.lol You'll second guess yourself and wanna be a monk becuase it's not working.lol
Then like a month to 6 weeks later. You get a date..she might even stood you up too.lol
Dont sweat it...just keep on asking...
Then you actaully get a date..so you're like woo hooo all my problems are solved.
But not....4-5 women that you previously asked out will start calling you.lmao
So you're like...oh **** just when i thought I had everything figure out.
So...dont over think it when you get to that piont too.

 

[allanh]

ok... a little bit of update... for the worse.

I and the intern are still on friendly terms. However, I gave her another invitation (well, it's being about a month since I talked to her properly) to a restaurant via SMS.

She replied with "sorry dude got plans on that day. Enjoy your movie though"

I guess I am not overanalyzing things now if I take that as a rejection? I mean, if she is indeed interested or at least not guarded, she should at least say something along the line of "I can't come this day but what about the following day (or another day)?"

Do you guys believe that I should just forget about her and move on?

 

[IgnoredOne]

ok... a little bit of update... for the worse.

I and the intern are still on friendly terms. However, I gave her another invitation (well, it's being about a month since I talked to her properly) to a restaurant via SMS.

She replied with "sorry dude got plans on that day. Enjoy your movie though"

I guess I am not overanalyzing things now if I take that as a rejection? I mean, if she is indeed interested or at least not guarded, she should at least say something along the line of "I can't come this day but what about the following day (or another day)?"

Do you guys believe that I should just forget about her and move on?

I do think that you're setting yourself up for a fail. You're putting a lot of effort into it, and there isn't the emotional connection. I'll say to maintain things friendly.

Did you ask her to a dinner and a movie, though? That takes balls. Kudos.

 

[allanh]

I did ask. Well, when I brought it up a couple of days ago, she seemed to be slightly interested. So I messaged her today to arrange a formal time/date. Well, I guess my lack of experience shows. My problem is that I have never had emotional connection with anyone and it's always being fail and fail. Ouch.

---

oh, is going on a dinner a big deal? I thought plenty of friends do that and I have been to some dinner with female friends (whom I have no romantic interest in ).... seemed to have no problem with those

 

[IgnoredOne]

I did ask. Well, when I brought it up a couple of days ago, she seemed to be slightly interested. So I messaged her today to arrange a formal time/date. Well, I guess my lack of experience shows. My problem is that I have never had emotional connection with anyone and it's always being fail and fail. Ouch.

---

oh, is going on a dinner a big deal? I thought plenty of friends do that and I have been to some dinner with female friends (whom I have no romantic interest in ).... seemed to have no problem with those

---

It really depends on how you express it.

But yes, inviting a girl to a dinner and a movie is a very traditional way of saying, "This is a date", which can indicate romantic interest. I'm surprised that you didn't realize that?

You've never had an emotional connection with friends or family?

 

[allanh]

I did ask. Well, when I brought it up a couple of days ago, she seemed to be slightly interested. So I messaged her today to arrange a formal time/date. Well, I guess my lack of experience shows. My problem is that I have never had emotional connection with anyone and it's always being fail and fail. Ouch.

---

oh, is going on a dinner a big deal? I thought plenty of friends do that and I have been to some dinner with female friends (whom I have no romantic interest in ).... seemed to have no problem with those

---

It really depends on how you express it.

But yes, inviting a girl to a dinner and a movie is a very traditional way of saying, "This is a date", which can indicate romantic interest. I'm surprised that you didn't realize that?

You've never had an emotional connection with friends or family?

---

I have emotional connection with friends/family. But never romantic emotional connection... at least never any mutual ones.

Well, I thought dinner with friends (male or female) is pretty normal? Maybe I am mistaken

 

[IgnoredOne]

Of course, its normal to have dinner with friends. Still, dinner with a female friend alone of a comparable age can easily be seen as a kind of a date - I know of at least one married couple that started off just as friends who went out for dinner a lot, and then realized some 8 months later...

"Hey, haven't we been basically dating all this time?'

And they got married some time after they began 'officially' going out. Its amusing. So, no, it does have a lot to do with context, but it is certainly a context that /can/ be seen as romantic.

As for emotional connection, I don't think that a romantic connection is so utterly unique that it is distinct from any other. The times when I actively pursued to 'get' a girl, I focused on building that particular emotional connection first and foremost. Its not always nice and aboveground, though, so I'm not sure if you're interested in that.

 

[allanh]

I am willing to put in the effort, IgnoredOne. Just don't know how. I mean, one of the main reasons I ask her to dinner was trying to get to know her better and perhaps build up what you have just described "emotional connection". If all we had was occasional coffee breaks once/month or less, there really is no chance.

I am interested in what you have to say about building up the emotional connection... please teach me. Hopefully it will prevent me from this endless theme of failure.

 

[tangerinedream]

The times when I actively pursued to 'get' a girl, I focused on building that particular emotional connection first and foremost. Its not always nice and aboveground, though...

lol I have an image of you treating it as some sort of reconnaissance mission to get to know your enemy.

I am willing to put in the effort, IgnoredOne. Just don't know how. I mean, one of the main reasons I ask her to dinner was trying to get to know her better and perhaps build up what you have just described "emotional connection". If all we had was occasional coffee breaks once/month or less, there really is no chance.

I think your reasoning is sound. I think that these coffee or dinner dates are a great way to see if there already exists the potential for connection.

It's unfortunate that the people we are interested in may not always be in sync with us in this regard.

Keep trying, though.


As for an earlier question about whether or not dinner is a big deal, it usually depends on how many are invited. If it's a bunch of friends together, not a big deal. If it's one-on-one, then there is the expectation that it is more than just a casual, friendly dinner - unless there is an explicit understanding that your relationship is already only platonic.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Lunch is a better place to know someone without the contextual landmines of dating, imo. I'm not sure if that's possible for you, but if you can, that's a very good way of getting to know someone.

People are veritable fountains of information, too. It takes some time to be observant, but notice things about people and it'll become vastly easier to connect with them. I can PM you a lot more, but for example, I began interested in a friend of a friend, J.

I knew almost nothing about her - that she was pretty, very young, a natural blonde and apparently quite sweet was all I knew for sure. A few other things; she wore her hair a bit different and she has sideways smirk of a smile. So I mentioned that she has an unique style, and she immediately liked that, as she prided herself on "being different." At some point, she mentioned 'feeling better', which allowed me to understand that she suffered from chronic illness from most of her life.

Along the way, I could talk to her about things which interested me which I thought she might also like: horses, the countryside, books and various weird stuff. I was building common ground there, yes, but also judging in my own way if it was worth getting to know her better - if she had said that 'oh, books are stupid'(and I have heard that befroe), then I would have been planning on making my departure from her posthaste.

Its not -only- friendship, and I knew to push it away from 'friendzone' eventually so I could push for the more romantic relationship I wanted, but I do think that primarily, you are just building a connection. I honestly think you should try to get to know some girls as friends first, and yes, even get 'friendzoned'. It'll be good experience.

lol I have an image of you treating it as some sort of reconnaissance mission to get to know your enemy.

Dating, the Mil Int way!

 

[allanh]

ah, thanks, IgnoredOne. It's really sound advice.
I think I majorly messed it up (excuse my language, I am in a depressed mood right now) by asking her to a dinner. You are right, I was thinking of lunch initially but then I got greedy and decided to jump into dinner thing.... now it's too late.
Maybe it's never meant to be.
I don't mind being friendzoned, even with this girl. However, I think now that she will be guarded from whatever I asked of her.

Being single is really a lonely road, at my age.... especially when it's involuntary.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Hey, we all fresia up sometimes. Don't worry. The things I've done that I will go back to and think, "stupid! stupid! stupid!"

I so grin.

I don't think dinner is a terrible thing, either. It just has more contextual landmines, but ah well. Live and learn.

 

[allanh]

The times when I actively pursued to 'get' a girl, I focused on building that particular emotional connection first and foremost. Its not always nice and aboveground, though...

lol I have an image of you treating it as some sort of reconnaissance mission to get to know your enemy.

I am willing to put in the effort, IgnoredOne. Just don't know how. I mean, one of the main reasons I ask her to dinner was trying to get to know her better and perhaps build up what you have just described "emotional connection". If all we had was occasional coffee breaks once/month or less, there really is no chance.

I think your reasoning is sound. I think that these coffee or dinner dates are a great way to see if there already exists the potential for connection.

It's unfortunate that the people we are interested in may not always be in sync with us in this regard.

Keep trying, though.


As for an earlier question about whether or not dinner is a big deal, it usually depends on how many are invited. If it's a bunch of friends together, not a big deal. If it's one-on-one, then there is the expectation that it is more than just a casual, friendly dinner - unless there is an explicit understanding that your relationship is already only platonic.

haha, yeah, I have been quite aggressive in my pursuit of female race in the past 2 years.. mainly due to extreme loneliness and the feeling of time is ticking. I do put in effort. However, my main problem is that I always concentrate on 1 at a time which really make me seem obsessive (which is the attitude that I take into my work as well).

In terms of dinner, looking back, you are right. As mentioned in my reply to IgnoredOne, I think I went in too quickly (impatience is one of my main bad personality trait). I always wanted a clear answer/path too quickly, which happened to my oneitis last year (similar story lol). I just don't realise what kind of magnitude a 1:1 dinner is until you guys just told me now......

Too bad she is a lost cause now....... (she is so nice ). Well, there is always next year .....

 

[IgnoredOne]

The times when I actively pursued to 'get' a girl, I focused on building that particular emotional connection first and foremost. Its not always nice and aboveground, though...

lol I have an image of you treating it as some sort of reconnaissance mission to get to know your enemy.

I am willing to put in the effort, IgnoredOne. Just don't know how. I mean, one of the main reasons I ask her to dinner was trying to get to know her better and perhaps build up what you have just described "emotional connection". If all we had was occasional coffee breaks once/month or less, there really is no chance.

I think your reasoning is sound. I think that these coffee or dinner dates are a great way to see if there already exists the potential for connection.

It's unfortunate that the people we are interested in may not always be in sync with us in this regard.

Keep trying, though.


As for an earlier question about whether or not dinner is a big deal, it usually depends on how many are invited. If it's a bunch of friends together, not a big deal. If it's one-on-one, then there is the expectation that it is more than just a casual, friendly dinner - unless there is an explicit understanding that your relationship is already only platonic.

haha, yeah, I have been quite aggressive in my pursuit of female race in the past 2 years.. mainly due to extreme loneliness and the feeling of time is ticking. I do put in effort. However, my main problem is that I always concentrate on 1 at a time which really make me seem obsessive (which is the attitude that I take into my work as well).

In terms of dinner, looking back, you are right. As mentioned in my reply to IgnoredOne, I think I went in too quickly (impatience is one of my main bad personality trait). I always wanted a clear answer/path too quickly, which happened to my oneitis last year (similar story lol). I just don't realise what kind of magnitude a 1:1 dinner is until you guys just told me now......

Too bad she is a lost cause now....... (she is so nice ). Well, there is always next year .....

Time isn't ticking for you, really. You're a guy. Feel lucky for that.

 

[happyman]

Hi,
Cant help but having a say

You said you studied in Aust, by looking at your profile, you are still in Aust. Anyway is this intern girl lady friend an Aussie girl, cause most of them are stuck up. Anyway, she prob has a BF so wouldn't be interested. U should just move on. It may be hard, but in the long term you will be hapier.

 

[allanh]

yeah, she is an Aussie girl. I don't think she has a bf.... at least from what I know of her. Yes, I think I have stuffed this case up and plan to move on..... but it is so hard. I don't know if you ever had a oneitis in the past, but it can literally take months to years to recover.

Thanks for your advice though. I do need to move on, IgnoredOne suggested me a book on social skills, I think I will read it and see if my luck will improve next time

 

[happyman]

I actually had to google oneitis - thought you were talking all medical on me

I can understand where you are coming from - but look, you are not 'that' old. I admit that most people have already done much more with relationships than you, heck, i am 23 and never done anything sexually - and whilst that doesn't bother me that much, in your situation I can understand the need.

Anyway, the best thing is to simply move on. Easier said than done, but heck, put your mind somewhere else.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Hi,
Cant help but having a say

You said you studied in Aust, by looking at your profile, you are still in Aust. Anyway is this intern girl lady friend an Aussie girl, cause most of them are stuck up. Anyway, she prob has a BF so wouldn't be interested. U should just move on. It may be hard, but in the long term you will be hapier.

I knew an adorable Aussie ballerina once

Why do you think that most of them are stuck up, though?

 

[allanh]

I think Aussie girls are lovely (some, not all). But then again, I have hardly met girls from other countries, so what do I know?

Today, I casually asked another co-worker (who is a female) if she wants to see a movie next Tuesday night and she said sure and that she also wants to see it as well...

I don't know- With people whom I have no romantic interest in, things just flow so naturally, easily and smoothly. But with any of the chicks whom I liked, things always start to go awkward quickly and never go very far.

 

[happyman]

Well that is a good start. Good luck and hope you report back to us