peaches and cream
Member
Edit: I re-read what I wrote, and i think it sounds so dramatic, and that's not how I wanted it to be, my first instinct was to delete this thread, but I wasn't able to, so I decided just to edit and delete those parts that were not that necessary...
Making new friends was never difficult for me, or at least at school. I live in a small city, where if you go to the right junior high, you'll get to know enough people so that in high school you'll be with some of those people, and meet some more and it's like some sort of spider web because those people introduce you to their friends and so on, it is also like that when you get to the university. that's why they say that everybody knows everybody here, well... I don't. My problem is that I had no problem to stop talking to people, I was at the right junior high, and ended up in a high school were I knew nobody, you see my mom was so worried from my sister partying so much, not going to school and stuff like that, so instead of trying to control my sister, she controlled me. She made me go to a strict private catholic school (we're not even catholic!!). I knew none of my new classmates and they knew nobody outside of the school, by the end of the first week I had friends. I stopped talking to my junior high friends, because they rarely called me to talk or to ask me out and when they did I wasn't aloud to, but I didn't really care I had new friends and everything was ok... I was still depressed but i think no one really knew; I was just this funny girl that always had a boyfriend whether she liked them or not so much... I think that I just needed a male figure in my life...
So university came. At this point for several reasons and a lot of stuff that was going on at home, I got really really depressed. I've been struggling with depression since I was 11 one year after my dad's death, and it was hard for my mom to accept it, so she neglected how I felt. During my first semester at the University, and in the middle of my depression, I gained A LOT of weight therefore guys stopped asking me out...so no more boyfriends for me!, but I did make two wonderful friends, they were my best friends, one of them lives 3 blocks from my house and the other one 6 blocks, we were together at school, so I would see them everyday all day, we're in a new BA for our university, I only have 13 other classmates and we're hidden in the language center, so there's not much opportunity to meet new/more people, i was ok with that... because of my work I became less available for my friends, and they didn't like it... so I tried my best to be as available as possible for them, if i had the opportunity to go out with some old friends, i wouldn't! my life was school->work(that consists in being in front of a computer and my only interaction with the outside world is by radio with my boss who is in a different city, so no chances in meeting people here!)-> and my two friends. During this summer vacations, my friends were busy doing other stuff... and in the process they met a lot of people... they never called me I tried calling them but they were always busy, i left several facebook messages that weren't answered, they moved on with their life...
During this period of time my mom was trying (and still is) to fix some mistakes she did when my sister and I were young, now she wants me to deal with my issues and my depression, my God!! Im 20!! its been 9 years since I asked for help, and NOW she cares, by now I don't even know if I want not to be depressed... My first reaction was to call my friends because I needed someone I could trust, and thank God they answered. I went for an ice cream with one of them a few days ago, he didn't even let me talk, he kept on going about his wonderful vacations and he told me that it was so great to start going out with different people, that he thinks this is more healthy because we spend so much time together at school, that it was better to see other people outside of it, I called my other friend she didn't even let me talk, she was too busy talking about her new boyfriend and also saying how much better it was to go out with different people... I wanted to cry! I understand that it is healthier, but... how can you do this when I devoted my days to you? when I stopped my life for you?, I didn't go out with someone else because they got all crazy when I did accusing me of leaving them alone, and not caring for them... and now they moved on, but... I'm stuck, I have no one! not even someone who cares what I think or how I feel... they didn't even asked about my vacations, what I did... nothing....
It's not that I feel alone, I'm okay with being alone, I'm comfortable being alone, but I feel lonely, I've never felt like this before, I've been sad... but lonely is just worse...
btw.. I'm really sorry if it was difficult to understand because of syntax or grammar mistakes, but I'm still learning english :$
Making new friends was never difficult for me, or at least at school. I live in a small city, where if you go to the right junior high, you'll get to know enough people so that in high school you'll be with some of those people, and meet some more and it's like some sort of spider web because those people introduce you to their friends and so on, it is also like that when you get to the university. that's why they say that everybody knows everybody here, well... I don't. My problem is that I had no problem to stop talking to people, I was at the right junior high, and ended up in a high school were I knew nobody, you see my mom was so worried from my sister partying so much, not going to school and stuff like that, so instead of trying to control my sister, she controlled me. She made me go to a strict private catholic school (we're not even catholic!!). I knew none of my new classmates and they knew nobody outside of the school, by the end of the first week I had friends. I stopped talking to my junior high friends, because they rarely called me to talk or to ask me out and when they did I wasn't aloud to, but I didn't really care I had new friends and everything was ok... I was still depressed but i think no one really knew; I was just this funny girl that always had a boyfriend whether she liked them or not so much... I think that I just needed a male figure in my life...
So university came. At this point for several reasons and a lot of stuff that was going on at home, I got really really depressed. I've been struggling with depression since I was 11 one year after my dad's death, and it was hard for my mom to accept it, so she neglected how I felt. During my first semester at the University, and in the middle of my depression, I gained A LOT of weight therefore guys stopped asking me out...so no more boyfriends for me!, but I did make two wonderful friends, they were my best friends, one of them lives 3 blocks from my house and the other one 6 blocks, we were together at school, so I would see them everyday all day, we're in a new BA for our university, I only have 13 other classmates and we're hidden in the language center, so there's not much opportunity to meet new/more people, i was ok with that... because of my work I became less available for my friends, and they didn't like it... so I tried my best to be as available as possible for them, if i had the opportunity to go out with some old friends, i wouldn't! my life was school->work(that consists in being in front of a computer and my only interaction with the outside world is by radio with my boss who is in a different city, so no chances in meeting people here!)-> and my two friends. During this summer vacations, my friends were busy doing other stuff... and in the process they met a lot of people... they never called me I tried calling them but they were always busy, i left several facebook messages that weren't answered, they moved on with their life...
During this period of time my mom was trying (and still is) to fix some mistakes she did when my sister and I were young, now she wants me to deal with my issues and my depression, my God!! Im 20!! its been 9 years since I asked for help, and NOW she cares, by now I don't even know if I want not to be depressed... My first reaction was to call my friends because I needed someone I could trust, and thank God they answered. I went for an ice cream with one of them a few days ago, he didn't even let me talk, he kept on going about his wonderful vacations and he told me that it was so great to start going out with different people, that he thinks this is more healthy because we spend so much time together at school, that it was better to see other people outside of it, I called my other friend she didn't even let me talk, she was too busy talking about her new boyfriend and also saying how much better it was to go out with different people... I wanted to cry! I understand that it is healthier, but... how can you do this when I devoted my days to you? when I stopped my life for you?, I didn't go out with someone else because they got all crazy when I did accusing me of leaving them alone, and not caring for them... and now they moved on, but... I'm stuck, I have no one! not even someone who cares what I think or how I feel... they didn't even asked about my vacations, what I did... nothing....
It's not that I feel alone, I'm okay with being alone, I'm comfortable being alone, but I feel lonely, I've never felt like this before, I've been sad... but lonely is just worse...
btw.. I'm really sorry if it was difficult to understand because of syntax or grammar mistakes, but I'm still learning english :$
