On The Edge

[shawn81]

Today was a hard day for me. A year ago today my sister died, an overdose. After a long day and a lot of thinking I noticed it's not hard for everyone to see just how down and out I am.

Over the past year I lost my mother and my sister, became homeless and started bumming at a friends house. I don't have a great job and make very little money and when I'm not at work I have my college classes. I'm very unhappy with myself for a huge number of reasons. And to pull it all together I can't seem to get out of this slump.

My whole life has pretty much been the same circle of terrible life event or long lasting depression, then I dwell on it, I push through and push it back and swallow the pain to move on. But now I just can't. I have no family left. I have no home. I barley have anything to call my own. I don't have time to meet women at all, and when I do I've always been rejected or not even noticed.

I just feel like I want to quit trying go off and be a hermit or something. Be alone the way I was meant to be. And I guess the only thing keeping me moving working and going to class is I have no safety net. I only have a few more months I can stay here, I have no family to go to. All I can do for a place to stay is beg my friends to let me sleep on their coach for a little bit of money, and that just makes me feel low, real low.

I try to talk to women, just for conversation, because I just like the company sometimes I know some girls don't want to date they just want I a friend, and me too at this point in time. However, I get nothing. I tried online sites, school groups, small parties (I get anxious at big parties) and people through friends but the most I get is maybe 3 to 4 texts at most.

I'm not the kind of person to consider suicide, but I am close to just giving up. It's a huge load to carry and I'm carrying it all alone.

Thanks for reading a lonely man rant at 3 am at work.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello Shawn81-you have gone through a series of absolutely heart breaking events and you are doing so well to keep going at all. I am so sorry that your sister died a year ago-anniverseries of this sort are always so painful and difficult to go through. And to have lost your mum as well and to be homeless-life is certainly being highly unfair towards you and I admire you for your courage.
Like you I have no safety net either and so have to keep going because there is no family to catch me. So I can understand how lonely and frightening it is to live under such circumstances. I am glad to be getting older as there is less time to go.
Will your college classes lead towards a better job so that you could afford to rent a place of your own? Or maybe you could move into a shared place so that the rent would cost less and you would have some company?
And don't give upon meeting women. It is hard to meet people who you click with, but if you persevere, hopefully you will one day be lucky enough to find someone.

 

[QuesT]

If you can find a way to endure this trial I'm sure your luck will change somewhere down the line. We just gotta believe.

 

[shawn81]

Yeah its true luck hasn't really been on my side. I believe that to QuesT it's just the right now is so tough.

 

[h3donist]

Sorry to hear of your situation, that must be unbearably hard.

Reading your post, I get the impression you are trying to do too many things at once. You say you are homeless but are putting your efforts into finding a girl rather than a stable home. surely that's your first move. I'm sure there are people who can help with this, even if it's a shared flat or social housing - you need your own space first. Once you have that then maybe it's worth looking at bereavement counselling as you might be carrying a lot of baggage that you've pushed to the back of your mind because you're too busy working and studying. Maybe then when you have a place to call your own and peace of mind you can start dating again?

I wish you all the very best for your future

 

[PenDragon]

It's toughest when it's nearing the end. Hang in there, man. It's a difficult fight to go through but you have to If you want to see bright things in your life. As they say many times...Just a little more. Don't quit, not yet, not just yet. Keep pushing through it. You will make it, just believe in yourself just the way you have done it so far.

 

[Despicable Me]

If you can find a way to endure this trial I'm sure your luck will change somewhere down the line. We just gotta believe.

Yeah its true luck hasn't really been on my side. I believe that to QuesT it's just the right now is so tough.

I don't want to be mean, but relying on "luck" is like relying on magic. It isn't real. "Luck" does not just change down the line. You have to be the one to change things.

If "luck" really existed, I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. I do not have luck. "Bad luck" seems to follow me around. But I don't believe in magic, so I don't worry about luckiness. I create my own luck.

I think h3donist's advice was best, even if it is a tremendous amount of work for someone going through so much. You should focus on trying to get a stable place to live, no matter how you go about doing that. Friends and relationships are hard to come by when you are homeless. It's a bad situation to be in, and no one should ever have to face it.

 

[QuesT]

Luck might just be a word we use to indicate that we aren't always the ones in control.

QuesT

 

[HoodedMonk]

You are going through so much. In fact, it seems normal to struggle so much at the moment faced with what you are dealing with. Focus first on finishing college, build yourself your own safety net through education and job experience. You have a lot to face right now, and no wonder you are lonely. Talking to a counselor might help.

 

[shawn81]

I appreciate all the help and advice. I feel that most of you have all point towards the same thing I have been going towards. I have plans and have set them in motion and will get where I need to go. I have been that way for awhile. However, there are times when the world weighs on me and I get so down I doubt all my progress, I feel as if I'm going no where with all my work. Also when I get down like this it's hard to pull myself up, but once I do I get back on the horse and keep pushing. Thank you all, sometimes you just need to hear from others to figure out what to do next.

 

[benj]

You're doing very well to keep going at all. Think a lot of people have that feeling of wanting to go away somewhere when things are difficult, but if you've managed to go through all that you have an you're still at college and working you're obviously capable of getting by in society .

Dunno if you've got any delayed reaction grief in there anywhere.

I agree with all the practical suggestions, a shared house might be good yeah for the cheaper rent and companionship. Your college will probably have a counsellor or student helper person kinda thing, if youre wanting someone to help you think of what to do next they can probably help. A lot of the time if you go to see people like that they just tell you what to do to sort things out, which can be helpful when you've been through a lot and can't think straight.

 

[maudie k]

First of believe in yourself and don't ever lose hope. Believe me hard times pass very quickly , all you need to do is to keep your attitude positive, work hard and stay hopeful. These hardships shouldn't let you down but make you a better and stronger person.Believe in yourself that you can do and achieve anything in the world with the hard work and determination.

 

[mickey]

From what you've said in your post, I see you totally differently from how you say you see yourself.

You are still within the window when most people grieve for the loss of a close loved one, and you have no home of your own, yet you still manage to hold down a job--and what sounds like an unsatisfying job at that, which is even tougher--AND you manage to attend college as well. That's more courage than I've ever had. That's more courage than MOST people have.

I admire you and wish you the best.