On the verge of 26 with nothing to speak of

[ImNotThe0nly0ne]

Ok well I'm going to be 26 this year. My only relationship where I called someone a girlfriend was in 9th grade for a week. Silly yes, I barely liked her. I don't count that. In other words, I've never had a girlfriend. I have had many girls that were interested in me and I was interested in, but Like most people that see these posts, they never amounted to anything. I am not overweight, I'm one of those types of guys where I'm super attractive to some and not attractive to others, I don't know how that works but it does. My problem is that I have never had a girlfriend either and it's way too painful to handle sometimes. I grew up free from influences like drugs, porn, sex in your face. I grew up with values and morals. This seems to work against me where I am looked at as sort of a pussy when it comes to objectifying women. I have the utmost respect for women, I think they are beautiful and I have this ability to make a girl, a deserving girl, very lucky. Except there are no women who desire what I have to give.

In the end I have a good amount of friend, I go out to the occasional bar (not my choice, my friends go), I love to do nature things, I have a dog, bicycle, hike, kayak, walk, etc. I have an apartment, I have a job. None of this matters. My whole life I've been lonely on the inside. never being able to look towards anyone for comfort or companionship. Living life solitarily has been taking its tole. This emptiness grows. Only a few people in life can understand what it's like where no matter how much you look, or try, and then how little you look or little you try (some say stop trying it'll just happen) nothing seems to change, year after year. I've learned a lot from when I started to feel this curse when I was turning 20. Boy I thought it was bad then not having had a girlfriend, almost 6 years later it's almost incapacitating.

I don't want anyone to think I show what I'm going through on the outside. No one is the wiser, no one really knows. I don't look like a guy that would never have had anyone. I've been with girls, lost my virginity at 20 only because a girl turned me down for a relationship because of it so I quickly took care of that problem, means nothing to me who cares.

Perhaps I'm too nice, too real, or just too something. I have no lack of confidence, I don't smother, and I don't lose sight of the girl at hand. From what I can tell I am doing everything right, just the translation is lost. I'm the kind of guy that will click with a girl, yet lose her to my friend who's just a big stoner or drunk or bodybuilder or meathead. what I don't understand is why nice women tell me "Oh you're the perfect guy, so nice, polite, gentlemanly exactly what I'm looking for" etc... then turn around and go for the brainless jock/bro/druggie/beach bum shallow ass person. I'm smart, culturally diverse, jack of all trades. I have my confidence but recently over the past few years being stripped away from lack of a real connection with another woman. With me it turns out I think they first think I'm like everyone else, an attractive guy who likes to party, then they find out that I actually have a brain and they lose interest. Do I intimidate them? I don't know. I don't correct them, try to impress them with random useless knowledge or showoff anything. I'm a normal enough guy with my mind and heart in the right place. I don't feel I lack anything or compensate for anything.

Any ideas?

Any insight?

 

[*heretostay*]

It could be you're just hanging out with the wrong crowd. It sounds like you are around young girls that are really immature. This may sound like a strange suggestion but have you considered looking for a girl at a church?

 

[It was Mine]

Sounds like you've met plenty of interesting girls in your life, but non would stick. There is no magic formula in life to win women over. The age of winning a girl over by immediately wining and dining her are over I'd say. Most girls want to just hang out and have fun, nothing serious. I've had only a handful of relationships, but have had my fair share of dates. Not all went well ha. That's only because everyone has different tastes, different styles and not everyone mixes. But my point is what I would do is just hang out, have a coffee. As for conversation let her do the talking, just inquire about very non-personal subjects like basic hobbies, or places they would love to travel, or favourite foods and play into that, It's personal but not too personal. And this may come strange but, don't talk about yourself at all, unless she asks you. Why? the first couple times you see one another as you get to know her, she'll realize slowly she still doesn't know much of you, makes her curious. You get the whole mystery thing going which keeps the interest, stops her from thinking she can read you like a book and moving on.

As for dates try online, sounds like a bad idea right? Sure there may be a large majority of women on there you would never consider, but you could try what i did. I just went and hung out with these people, practiced first meetings, carrying conversation and made some good friends. I've had the unfortunate task of telling some I was not interested in anything but friends but it never hurts to try. They say experience is everything and it takes practice to collect a certain charisma. Mind you I went through much rejection online, women are a little uneasy meeting men for good reason probably. but be prepared for that. Usually took some time to finally meet one in person. But if you meet with no expectations except to have some fun, some good coffee and conversation you're off and running. Never act nervous either, makes them feel uncomfortable. I feel it's a good formula, I always found them asking me to hang out again instead of the opposite. Again if they aren't your type don't sweat it, meet them anyways. You can make good friends and who knows who you could meet through them. There's no loss in friendship and good experiences. Stay positive.

 

[Badjedidude]

It sounds like you have a high opinion of yourself, ImNotTheOnlyOne. I'm not trying to insult you here, but is it possible that women see this in you and see it as arrogance? It could be that you give off the impression that you think you're such a perfect, high-class guy...and it turns them off. No woman likes to be around a guy that thinks he's the hottest honeysuckle to ever hit the planet; and continually reminds them of it. So... that's something to consider, anyway.

Other than that...all I can say is this: There are a LOT of little girls in grown-up bodies out there. What I mean is that a LOT of women never grew up emotionally; due to being pampered by daddy, because they were at the top of the social chain in high school, or because of sexual/emotional abuse when they were young. Such women never had the chance to grow as a person, so they're continually stuck reinforcing their own "reality" by pursuing bad boys or men "like daddy."

Women like that will TELL you that they want a polite, cultured, mannered guy, but they really don't. They want the sort of bad boy or deadbeat that they've known all their lives. That sort of treatment is the only thing they know and understand, so to them it seems "normal," and so they seek it out.

So I guess to deal with this, all you can do is be more careful in the types of women that you go after. Also, it might help if you take a bath of HUMBLE and think about how you may be giving an impression of narcissism to the women around you. Again, I'm not trying to insult you...but that might be the problem. It's something to think about, at least. You could try asking some friendly women how they percieve you, and tell them to be completely honest, even if it's harsh criticism.

I don't have the answers, but I hope that some of what I said helped.

 

[edgecrusher]

im in the same plae as you at 28. except i have almost no friends. i have people that are friends i guess, but not like "best friends" and i dont really have anyone to talk to. nice guys finish last...

 

[lilacs]

hmmm I was drawn to this post because I'm 26 in a few weeks and have nothing to speak of in other ways. Anyways, After reading what you typed I'm trying to figure it all out. I've turned down guys like you many times. All for different reasons. There could be a million things I can think of but I'd have to know you better and how you interact with them to figure it all out. Let's see....do you come off as passive? For me, I've turned down guys that don't have a dominating personality. I think most girls tend to like men that make the decisions. Most girls/women are indecisive. Maybe you try to be polite by asking what they want to do or what they want to eat etc etc....I've turned down men that stress me out by giving me too many things to decide. It seems like maybe that's your problem being that you've had girls you were interested in and they were interested in you but nothing ever happened. If you want it to happen and you want a girl you have to show interest in her, compliment once in a while, and give her attention for her to still remain interested in you. but the trick is to do this in a non desperate way to keep her interest. Maybe you're seen as too serious? lighten things up and play it cool. Maybe you come on too strong and try to force feelings that really arent there. I don't know..I can go on and on..

 

[Alex]

This might sound crazy but are you sure you've always really wanted a girlfriend? If you truly wanted one I feel like you probably would know exactly what to do and would have had one by now, but for some reason do not want a relationship. I am in this situation. I sometimes crave a relationship but when it comes to potentially happening in reality I avoid it.

 

[coricopat]

what I don't understand is why nice women tell me "Oh you're the perfect guy, so nice, polite, gentlemanly exactly what I'm looking for" etc...

This is blunt, but.....they're telling you that b/c they're nice, not b/c it's true. You probably have a rather large and obvious personality flaw, but they're not gonna say that b/c they're being nice.