This thread originally started out as a question that seemed to be an invitation to vent about the frustrations of online dating. It seems to me to have turned into a debate here on whether a "dateless" person should continue with the efforts of dating while others are saying that that is bad advice. Whether or not they are talking about online dating anymore isn't clear to me. But here is my two cents, or maybe it is a quarter:
I am 31 now and not what one might consider a "dateless" person. I guess I have a guy right now I am dating whom we have never had an official, or any kind really, of discussion of relationship status with. He lives about 40 minutes from me in a major city in my state, while I live in a smaller city in the same state. To be honest, I'm not sure I can say what we are or even if we are even dating anymore, since I haven't seen him in awhile. I will say, though, that I grew up in a very religious culture where "everyone" gets married by the time that they are, I dunno, say, about mid twenties. And that's considered old. I did not date in high school, but when I turned 18 I wanted to be married to someone of my religion, and being that I lived in the Chicago area at the time, which, might as well say it, doesn't have very many Mormons, my options of dating were always limited. There was a point where I decided I did not care to date men of my faith anymore since I was getting towards mid 20s and was not getting any dates, and I did meet many guys on POF, however they did not respect my standards and did stupid things like beg for sex or refuse to take me home until we had sex, so I gave up on the idea of dating men who weren't lds, and so I was dateless for years afterwards. Even when I went to college at BYUI, which was nicknamed "BYU-Ido" at the time because of its reputation of marrying off people. I hated every minute there and despite being very active and joining clubs, I think that when people found out I was over 25 they did not want to date me, and I stopped telling people my age. During that time I felt completely hopeless about dating and getting into a relationship, as seems to be a common feeling here. But what I want to say in regards to this discussion/argument, is that I understand why many of the guys here are angry and bitter about not being able to get in a relationship. I certainly know how that feels. Even with the advantages I know I have, I still feel at times like I want to just go somewhere alone and scream about the anger of it all, and I know that there are those worse off than me. When you are in this state of mind where everything seems hopeless and going to get worse, your brain tends to try and find coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. For me, this seemed to be a numbing effect where I stopped seeing myself as a person and beginning to experience a strange feeling as if being underwater sort of, like nothing around me is real, or I'm somehow detached and not part of what goes on around me. I even take medication to treat this and see a therapist, but I have to say that I really wish that on this site of all sites, a site for self described lonely people, there was a bit more of compassion for the hopeless.
If people do not get what they socially need as human beings, their very minds will start to find coping strategies to handle the situation whether it is a conscious decision or not. This is how mental illnesses begin. This is how terrible tragedies happen, and it is most unfortunate that even here no one can offer more than patronizing condescension with little thought to the diversity of experience that exists here. It is a human need to socialize, willpower be damned. Sure there are extraordinary stories of people that make it a long time in isolation on their own, but they certainly aren't healthy well-adjusted individuals. And there was a comment on here about how paralyzed people can walk with technology. Tell that to someone with cerebral palsy. I can tell you firsthand that some things cannot be "willpowered" and believed away. Someone in a wheelchair will have more limited options for dating than they would had they not had that disability. That is a simple fact. There may be many people who are willing to overlook that, but that does not change the fact that their pool is smaller or perhaps more shallow is a better word, than if they had been completely able-bodied. And so it goes for many things. My dating options are limited because I am crazy. So there's that.
I read a study that when a group of people were asked if they were faced with a choice of making a high enough income to be upper class, but made less than their peers, or make less but be better off than their peers, the would choose the latter. It is human nature to not only need to socialize, but to compare yourself to those around you in similar situations. It is how people figure out where they stand socially, and also what they use as a point of reference so that they can solve their own problems. The thing about this sort of frustration and hopelessness, is that it is a malady that is not likely treated with harsh criticism and angry vitriol, at least in my experience. If a person wants to vent, they should have every right to do so, and I believe that it would be conducive to the discussion and to the improvement of these people's situations if they could at least be heard.
